Yesterday started off rough, with me crying in bed and not wanting to get up. Rob talked me through it, and reminded me of everything I’ve got going for me. We didn’t have the appointment I had hoped and prayed for when we traveled six hours for some hope, and it can take the breath out of you.

It was also a choice that I had to make. I couldn’t change what was happening but I could change how I reacted…

so we got up and started to prepare to do all we can for the outcome we want, not the outcome we were told.

We walked to the post office, then decided to keep walking to breakfast. We ordered a healthy breakfast and I saw a friend who gets it because she is in the arena with her husband. As we hugged another friend we both know sent me the name of a doctor who does a hepatic liver implant that directly puts chemo into the liver.

Wouldn’t you know, I was sent her name later in the day by a totally different person in the arena.

The messages I got yesterday helped.

People who went to Madame Swoosh and validated all of my beliefs and feelings that she is a true vessel and is gifted with the spiritual gift of healing.

I got messages from old friends who thanked me for being so open because it has helped them understand what a loved one is going through as well. I got messages of other people with similar diagnosis who found the right treatment, and whose doctors spoke of hope, and managing it like a chronic condition. I was sent clinical trials, and other energy healers.

One message in particular helped me sleep last night. I’ve gone to see this one medium/reiki energy worker three times. Jennifer Williamson. She has always been spot on with me. She has always been firm that she sees me as a Grandmother, surrounded by grandchildren. She has become a friend, and a touchstone to bring me back to hope. She did it again yesterday.

We discussed the Medical Medium Anthony Williams and his new book “Liver Rescue”. She likes it for me and it turns out I just ordered it two days ago. She said as she meditated over me that it came to her that I need to sit and be still in love for me. Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself as much as you love others. But what is crazy is I had just ten minutes earlier read another healer write the same exact thing and it resonated with me. We got a last minute invite to go somewhere late yesterday but decide to stay home and just be with the children, surrounding ourselves with our love. It was the right choice, and she validated it for us. She also said every time she prays for me, she received back confidence messages, and still has the seven years vision followed by a “cleared declaration”.

She also keeps seeing me win the lottery, but I think that may be symbolic for the lottery of life. I don’t want millions, just forty years. She reminded me that we are in retrograde and things come up that need healing. I’m going to see her Tuesday for some energy and reiki work. The thing I love about her is how humble she is. True healers are humble, and if you looked at them you would never know. Same with Odyle. She simply looks like a grandma.

That’s why God sent himself to us as Jesus.

He looked like us.

I’ve been reading a lot of books on Jesus and healing. We each have the Holy Spirit in us. We ALL have the gifts and power. Man tells us we don’t, but the Bible says we do. You can find it right in the Bible. WE ALL CAN HEAL. When we seek Him out, we step into the light and open ourselves up. That’s why He sent Jesus to us, to show us His power and love in a form we can recognize. Once we believe that Jesus truly was the son of God, sent to walk among us to teach us, to be an example of God’s perfect love, and show us how we can live forever, your own spiritual gifts and love become stronger. You can fall back into faith and help it move you.

If it sounds crazy to you, you may need to open yourself up more. If you need proof, the fact that I was moving yesterday and not under the covers all day after the appointment I had should be proof enough that the Spirit can move you.

That’s what happened yesterday.

He moved me through the day.

I went to see my friend Chaga Debbie at the Farmers market and she is one who is in the spiritual gifts. I saw another friend kerri and asked about another friend named Keri. When we went to go food shopping, who did I see? The other friend Keri I just asked about.

As we walked though the aisles, Barry Manilows “Its a Miracle” song came on, followed by “I Will Survive”. What are the chances?

We came home and my kids were dropped off. They spent the day with their cousins at my sister in laws house making a Christmas craft. They were kept busy and we are so happy they had a good weekend. They asked how Boston was, and we just said it was cold, and we didn’t get much new information.

Then we all hunkered down on the couch with blankets and watched a new Netflix movie called “The Christmas Chronicles”. Of course, one of the parents has died, because nothing says Christmas like sad kids missing their parent. Quinn even said in the first two minutes “Wait, is this a Disney movie?” Other than that, it was cute and will probably be watched again and again.

Quinn slept with us last night for the first time in weeks. He senses something is up. They all do.

It’s hard to look at clinical trials where it all says liver metastasis are quick to take you. For every trial I read I then have to find Hope stories.

Today we will go to church and finally try to decorate. I downloaded a picture of a healthy liver and it is my screensaver on my phone. I’ll keep picturing a healthy liver in my body right now.

Jesus made the body

Jesus can heal the body

I am healed

I am healed

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

People are going to SAY they are thankful for things today.

Here’s the thing.

People need to BE thankful for EVERYTHING every…single…day.

You woke up today? Boom. You just won the lottery of life.

You slept in a bed? In a house?

Even luckier.

You get to take a warm shower with unlimited water? Make it cold for five seconds…. then you’ll see how thankful you really are for warm water.

Brushing your teeth today? Well, if you can turn on a tap and not worry about the water being tainted and giving your kids sickness like those people in Flint Michigan…. you’re even more blessed than you realize.

Do you have clean clothes in your closet? Be thankful for them, as some have to leave their house to clean their clothes, and some only have the clothes on their backs.

Opening up your fridge to get some food to prep for today? It means you’ve got electricity, a kitchen, a stove that works, and money for food. There is a housing project in NYC I read about yesterday that hasn’t had gas for months, and the landlord gave them each one little round hot pot to make thanksgiving dinner. I’m sure if it was a wealthy building it wouldn’t have lasted a day. Be thankful for what you have, and be aware of disparity, work to fix it, and help those with less.

You’ve got family coming today? Be thankful you’re not alone. We have Yahtzee to play, so we can make memories and play at the same time.

You have friends? Text them and tell them how thankful you are for their friendship.

See what I’m doing here?

That’s what cancer does.

It gives you magical glasses that help you see all of your blessings every day, no matter how small.

As for me, it has also brought me to a special book and person.

Jesus and the Bible.

The stories in there are full of blessings, hope, and things to be thankful for….especially the man whose birthday season kicks off today.

Because of Him, I hold onto hope.

Because of Him, I keep my faith.

Because of Him, I am loved and give love.

Because of Him, I am healed.

Because of Him, I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, who give precious time each day to read my updates, write comments, and send me love and prayers. I am thankful for each one of you, some of whom I’ve never met, yet love deeply.

May we all see our blessings today and every day.

I am healed

I am healed

I am healed

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I thank God every day for my stamina. It was another long day, with teaching in the morning, parent conferences in the afternoon, getting a call that he top specialist in Dana Farber wants to see me Friday at five pm in Boston, then driving to see Madame Swoosh, Odyle.

This time was very different.

The energy between us changed and I felt it as soon as I walked in. I used to be nervous and in awe, but now?

She feels like an old friend, or family member, or even odder, as a peer.

We both discussed how we can’t believe the biopsy results. She asked how I felt and I stated I don’t feel like there is cancer in me, even when my neck and back hurt. She said my eyes don’t look like I have disease. She is confused.

I laid down and she got right to work.

Even as she worked she said she still doesn’t understand what is going on. She said she still didn’t feel the cancer. She said she felt the very strong medicine (tamoxifen), and in fact it made her nose run and itch. It was the strangest thing, so much so that her daughter asked if she needed a Kleenex but she said no, it was the strong medicine she felt affecting her body, and when we finished her nose completely stopped running.She said she was giving me all her energy and in fact, overloaded me with energy, like there was a mattress of energy is surrounding me.

As she swooshed, she said she wanted to tell me a beautiful story of the last time she was here. She asked if I believed that anything was possible. I said yes, and that’s why I came to her. She said a woman came to her who needed a liver transplant and was very very sick. After seeing Odyle she went to her doctor and was told a miracle happened, she didn’t need the transplant anymore and her husband called them sobbing. He said it was because of her. Then she looked me into the eye and said that stories like that is what made her want to give all of her energy to me last night.

Swoooooosh.

As she began to work on my breast, I told her I’ve been getting sharp stabbing pains in the left breast the last two days. It takes my breath away sometimes. She said the medicine I’m on now is very powerful and has a powerful effect on me. I said it is meant to block estrogen and the initial biopsy came back as 90% estrogen driven. Maybe it is killing all of the dead tumor left in my breast and when they take another scan, there won’t be any sign left if it. She said that it may be working, but I need to watch my kidneys, drink a lot of water, and it will affect the joints on me, so be prepared. I told her about yoga and she said yes, do it.

When she got to the top of my left leg, suddenly I felt tingling in my left foot. It got stronger and stronger as she swooshed down my leg, and when she got to my foot, she pressed and it was like she swooshed it out. As she went to my right leg, it started again on my right foot. I told her what was happening and she said it’s because I was electrically charged.

Swoosh.

She asked me how old I wanted to live and I said 86. She was shocked and asked why. I said because I know that then I will have lived had a full life. She said not her, she is tired. I said I hope she lives a long time because of her swooshing and she laughed. She said her mom lived to see 93 years old and it was perfect.

Swoosh.

I’ve gone to her several times now, and have never had an experience like yesterday. I literally felt her giving me all of the energy through her hands into each part of my body, piece by piece, and she spent time on my brain as well. It was warm and comforting yet powerful.

When she finished we had the debrief. Again, she is confused and didn’t feel the cancer like last time. Then she did something she never did before.

She asked if she could take a picture of my liver. I laid back down, pulled up my shirt, she framed her hands on my body where the liver is, and her daughter Maryne took a picture on her iPad. Then Odyle told Maryne to stand at me feet and take a picture of my whole body, then again stand by my head and take another. I flipped over and they took another set of pictures.

She told me to call her after my appointment with Dana Farber on Friday, and also again when the Caris results come back. She said to contact her by email after she goes back and to continue to let her know what is happening. She said she will continue to work on me even when she goes back home. I asked if I should come back again and she said not this trip, but in May when she is back in the states.

She said to not get scared if I feel things in my body, because it will be her sending me energy.

That’s how you know a true healer. She didn’t ask me to come back again and again to get money, and isn’t asking for money for this distant healing work.

I then decided I was going to ask her a question that I knew sounded crazy, but that’s kind of my life now.

I said I know things now. I can know of things happening and not even be there. I can also sense pain and sickness in some people. I saw my friend last week and told her that I felt her energy was down and I said she wasn’t taking care of herself. I gave her my juice, nuts, berries, and my yogurt. When I made my thermos of soup Monday morning I had her name come into my head and I knew I had to make an extra soup thermos for her. When I got to work, she was sick, and I gave her the soup. I had felt her sickness coming in last week.

Another friend came to my mind Monday and I wanted to text her but then a parent walked in. So I texted her yesterday and asked how she was. She was on her way home from surgery and said I always seem to check in on her when things happen.

I asked Odyle what was happening. She said I already know.

She said she told me the first time she met me, remember? She said I am directly connected to God and am a healer, and will heal many people.

I asked how she learned to swoosh, and if that’s what is happening to me.

She said after her stage four cancer, it just came to her. She didn’t learn it, she just knew. She said to not think about what type of healing, it will come. I asked if I could use it on myself, and she said no. She can’t use her energy swooshing on herself, only others. But that is the gift. She said she felt my energy and her energy are very powerful together, and then my energy when combined with others will be powerful.

I can feel that sometimes, and even yesterday I laid hands on someone who had hip surgery and she said she felt it.

I told her my children loved her and she lit up and said she loves them so much. I told her Maddie was thrown off by her energy, and was nervous when she went to tell Maddie something as she said goodbye but stopped herself. She remembered and said she was going to tell her that if she wanted to be a professional athlete, she had it in her, but knew Maddie was nervous and sometimes you don’t tell someone everything. She said to give them hugs and kisses from her.

She said I need to continue to keep the strong belief in my mind that no cancer is there. She knows it is hard, especially when around doctors. But to keep living above the cancer matrix.

I thanked her for seeing all of the people I am sending her, as she saw one friend Sunday and will see two more Friday, with more calling this week.

I am keeping her busy.

Maybe that’s the healing, sharing knowledge and healing and faith and Jesus.

Rob and I went to dinner, then food shopping at 8:00. We decided on Sunday morning we would be having a small thanksgiving at my house and finalized it last night. Just his parents and my parents, as all of the siblings are hosting as well.

Today will be a day of cleaning, and hair cuts with Raquel and Ashley at Gabriel Loren Salon, which means lots of laughs.

I also have to get together all of my medical records for my trip to Boston Friday to see their top specialists. I was upset to lose my full four day weekend of rest, but thankful I don’t have to take off of work to go, and glad I can get it over with quickly. I’ll be seeing their specialist at 5:00 pm Friday, and am glad I have all of the extra swoosh energy in me to help me when I have to hear doctors tell me terminal and depressing words.

Swooooooooooooosh.

Today may I get all the paperwork I need, clean my house, have my hair shaped so I dont look like Mr Heat Miser anymore, and maybe decorate for Christmas. May the energy continue to heal, and may Jesus continue fill my body with healed cells and DNA.

I am healed

I am healed

I am healed

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Twelve and a half hours.

That’s what I worked yesterday.

Even though it’s an incredibly long day, I always come home exhausted yet happy. I’m able to tell the parents their child is safe, happy, loved, plays, has friends, and knows more than they did three months ago.

That’s what report cards in kindergarten should look like.

It’s also a time where I’m given new information and things become clearer. It’s a privilege to be told things and an honor to try and help.

It ended up being one big love fest, and it usually ended in hugs. I’m so lucky.

I have just a few more today, then I’m off to see Madame Swoosh again. I’m still waiting for the CARIS report, but we’ve gotten a definitive cancer diagnosis so I’ll go get swooshed and have energy blocks removed.

I got three new books in the mail about Jesus and healing. I read yesterday in Matthew 15 a story I dont ever remember hearing before. Jesus was resting, and a woman who was gentile came and asked for healing for her daughter. Because of who she was, coming from a people who were the arch enemies of Israel, the disciples said to send her away. She was desperate and continued to ask Jesus for healing. He responded that He was only sent for the children of Israel, and it is not right to take the leftover scraps from the children and toss it to the dogs.

I was like…”Whoa… was Jesus a jerk? Did He compare this woman with a sick daughter to a dog? All because of her faith being different and where she came from?”

But I read on, as the mother pressed on. She didn’t give up. Any mother fighting for her child never gives up. She pressed on, humbly, tenaciously and with sagacity. She called Him Lord, and even though He referred to her as a dog, she continued to remind Him that He is the Son of David, and we keep requesting what we need until it comes. She asked three times for help, and Jesus then gives it.

No matter where you come from, if you go to Him, He will listen and give you what you need… even if it takes a lifetime.

He told her she had great faith, and He went on to be open to everyone.

That’s the Jesus I know and love.

Tomorrow we are all getting our hair cut, even me. It’s still falling out, but I look like Mr Heat Miser, so perhaps a shaping will help.

We are having a quiet thanksgiving at home, and then maybe will hop in the car for dessert visits. I’m thankful for so much in my life, and Thanksgiving Always helps put the focus back on the blessings.

Today, may the rest of the conferences be as loving, the healing continue, and the swooshes be miraculous.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Yesterday was a day that brought back “pre cancer” mom to my kids.

We started the day by picking up Morgan from her first friend sleepover ever. She was over the moon and so happy. I had wanted to get an early start to the day, but Morgan didn’t want to get a zero for her confirmation class and church attendance. I had a discussion with my Pastor that I told Morgan I don’t care about her church grades, and I believe Jesus doesn’t care either. He only cares that she is learning the Word and leading with love. Pastor talked to her and said to go and miss class. So off we went and got the early start.

We took the kids to the Empire State Building on Madison Avenue. It’s where rob took me on our first date and we had our first kiss on the escalator there. That’s how Madison got her name. (Morgan tells everyone she is named after the Captain…).

It was awe inspiring to see what mans hands can build, and looking at the pictures in the museum made you appreciate the effort of those men all those years ago. It wasn’t windy or cold, and we saw the beautiful skyline all around us. The kids loved it.

Afterwards we walked to Bryant Park. Maddie and Quinn got pocket watches at the Empire State Building, but Morgan remembered a little shop at Bryant park that had handmade leather journals. We found it, and she got the perfect one. I also got one, which had the same fish on the cover that my brother texted me a picture of one week ago that he found when he was cutting wood.

We headed off to Rockefeller center, and decided to check on tickets for the radio city spectacular. We were handed a fifty percent off coupon, and managed to get five cheap seats in the very top at half price. While waiting for the show time, we saw the big tree, walked through the American Girl Store and LEGO Store, then went into St Patrick’s cathedral. I feel such peace there every time and am always drawn to one specific place to pray. It’s inside a wall, with a Saint I’ve never heard of before. It gives me peace.

We went to the show, and it was the best one ever. The kids were so happy, and rob and I whispered to each other and he said he can’t wait to bring our grandchildren to see it with me.

I love him so much.

After the show we went to dinner, then walked almost twenty blocks to the car. I said to rob who would have thought I finished chemo two weeks ago and had a liver biopsy last week.

Today is parent teacher conference day, and I’ll be working for twelve hours straight. If you see a primary teacher, give them a hug. It’s a long day.

I kept praying all day yesterday,

“Thank you for healing me.” I follow a metastatic breast cancer advocate, Kelli Davis. She put up a 118 pictures on Saturday of women who have died from MBC to represent the 118 deaths a day. But then she put up a post and asked for 118 pictures in the comments of 118 Radical responders. I shared it on my page. I kept looking at it all day. That post is everything. It’s full of women who have been through multiple treatments, moments of hopelessness and despair and joy and fear and hope, and helps me breathe. You really should look through it and see what someone with metastatic cancer goes through. It will make you realize why research is so important to us.

Today may more research bring more breakthrough treatments, more healing, easy conferences, and a quick day.

I am healed

I am healed

I am healed

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

The preliminary report came back. It stated that it’s the same cancer that was in the breast that is in the liver and bones. Which doesn’t make sense since the heavy chemo knocked it out of the breast and lymph nodes.

So now we wait for the more detailed Caris report.

I’ve been in a whirlwind of people sending me opinions of what to do, who to see for second opinions, to change hospitals, to go to Mexico or Switzerland for other therapies.

I’m now on tamoxifen as a holding pattern drug until we get more results.

I also had my birthday.

And had a Kindergarten Feast where we cooked everything.

It’s been a week.

Here is my Facebook post from today.

It’s official.

Two years ago today I was walking my class to art when my cell phone rang. My assistant dropped them off and went back to class.

Then I heard the words.

“The biopsy came back. It’s positive for cancer.”

Eight words that changed my life.

Eight words that changed me.

I’ve dreaded this day, yet prayed for it.

I was told I had two years….if I was lucky. How can that be lucky when I wanted forty more?

And once I got to the two years, is it now borrowed time?

But in the two years since those eight words, I’ve changed.

I’ve grown.

I’ve learned so much.

I’ve opened up more than maybe is good, or considered acceptable. However, if you could see the messages I get every day from people saying how something I shared helped them… you would understand.

You know that saying about the person who was walking on a beach throwing starfish back in the water one by one, and when told they couldn’t help them

All, the person replied, “At least I helped that one” while throwing another back in the water.

That’s what I hope I’m doing.

I’m throwing us back in the water every damn day so we keep swimming, sometimes being tossed about it the rough waves, sometimes floating peacefully and looking up at the clouds or stars, sometimes feeling like we are drowning but coming up for air and learning to breathe underwater.

Just keep swimming.

I’ve learned how to be in the moment. It’s when I think about the future and the possibility that I won’t be here to see my children or rob that I can’t breathe. So I write a different story of me at their graduations, dancing with rob at their weddings, holding grandchildren, and the simple things like waking up next to him as we grow old.

I’ve become a better teacher, and love my students even more fiercely and focus on their emotional health over academic. We dance and play and I sing I love you every day. Then? The learning becomes easy.

I’ve learned and am still learning that not everyone likes me, and thats ok. Not everyone likes peaches either. Focus on those who love and support me, and wish those who don’t a good life without me. I’ll stick with my peach loving peeps.

I’ve had amazing people come into my life. The giving room, peaceful scorpion, Ali Katz kitchen, meetinghouse deli… the nurses and doctors and front desk people… people who do their jobs but make my days brighter.

I’ve taken a leap and started yoga teacher training. Why not plan for something to keep me busy after I retire in nine years?

I’m on my fourth treatment in two years. I’ve had a breast biopsy, spinal biopsy, hospitalized for appendicitis, a laparoscopic appendectomy, an appendix biopsy, a gene test that would scare the crap out of anyone yet I still breathe, a complete remission, a recurrence, a trial, more growth, heavy IV chemo, lost my hair and shaved my head, lost forty pounds and gained it all back, joint pain, metastatic spread, liver biopsy, shots in the stomach and ass (fazzy in the Assy), met other women who have become my soul sisters, sobbed over the loss of some of them as their time here on earth ended, cheered when some proved doctors wrong and continue to inspire, taken herbs that look like brown mud, swallowed fifty to seventy pills a day for months, met healers, went to basements and parking lots to connect with them, and continue to wait for my fifth treatment plan in two years.

I’ve gotten over the stigma of CBD oil and have found it to be a godsend. I find comfort that the brand I use is called Charlottes Web, also one of my favorite children’s books. Listen, we all have endocannabinoids, which are neurotransmitters that bond to cannabinoids in your nervous system. The CBD impacts the receptor activity and reduces inflammation. It shows promise for pain, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, anxiety, depression, sleep, cancer, brain function. No THC, which is what gets you high. Totally legal, but looked down upon by the public which has been misinformed because of some rich families in the early 1900’s not wanting hemp to take over their profit margins. God forbid people get better naturally through a plant because of a stigma and profit greed. So I’m letting you know, it’s legal, and it’s ok.

Lesson over.

This new diagnosis of metastasis in the liver and more on the bones has thrown me for a loop. Tamoxifen has some pretty horrid side effects, including secondary cancer. So now I’m emailing to see if I should just take out those organs juuuuuust in case.

Crazy.

I had a lovely birthday and even got an email that I’ve been selected for a grant from the Mederi center to help pay for the pills. I’ll find out on December how much I’ll receive. Every bit helps.

I’ve been swamped with information and suggestions, and some contradict each other.

Which is why I’m thankful that my

Relationship with God has become so strong, and my love for Jesus runs deep. My signs from Holy Spirit comfort me, and now I breathe and regroup and wait for the Caris test results.

Science is important.

Research is important.

So is clean eating, exercise, meditation, breathing.

Dancing and laughing is important.

Finding and connecting to others who are in the arena with you is important so you know you’re not alone.

Faith is important.

Friends and family who are there for you is important.

Love is important.

So today,

Two years later…

I’m still here.

Thank you for every “like”, comment, you give me. It seems trivial, but it means so much. It’s support.

Support holds things up.

I’ve knocked it out of the breast and lymph nodes twice, my bones once.

Now I’ll knock it out of the liver and bones again.

Third times the charm.

I am healed

I am healed

I am healed

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I wanted to be “in the veil” three times yesterday.

Yesterday was 11/11/11. If you take 2018, and add up 2,0,1,8 you get 11.

It’s a number that has been powerful for me, and a sign that God is with me.

The first place I wanted to be was church. I skipped the morning of yoga teacher training so I could be in church and pray with my family. Due to a mixup in communication, we missed the first service. I was so upset. We still went to bible study and it started off rough with talk of evil and a horrible story about two young girls and a school massacre that was thwarted. Not the way I wanted to start the day. But soon it changed to gifts of the spirit, and I was pointed out as having the teaching gift. I asked if there was a gift of healing, and we had a discussion on how true healers don’t advertise, or benefit, but simply heal. At the end, the entire study group came and laid hands on me and prayed as I sobbed. Then they hugged me.

I was in the veil and surrounded by love, which was exactly what I had wanted, and it came to pass.

Then I went to the Giving Room. I didnt want to interrupt the class going on so I watched for a few minutes as some of my fellow teachers practiced. They looked full of peace and they breathed and moved in a synchronized flow, and I was in awe. I went into the juice bar to grab a juice as I ended my 18 hour fast.

Andrea made me a green juice and then a coffee smoothie with extra almond butter and a half dropper of hemp oil. It was delicious. A mother walked in with her two sons and said, “Keri! Im so glad your here! I want my sons to meet you because we pray for you every night!” I wracked my Brain because I had no idea who she was. Paula later told me I never met her, but she comes into the juice bar and tells paula how she follows my story and uses it to teach her sons about life and then they pray for me.

I’m so humbled and honored. What a gift to have strangers pray for you.

Then I went in and the entire class mediated for 11 minutes and 11 seconds until 11:11:11 on 11/11/11. It is a day for manifestations and miracles. I set my intention and prayed over and over during those eleven minutes to Jesus, thanking Him for my healing, my life and the people in my world. I stayed for lunch and then part of the afternoon training. We learned how to lead people through poses and it’s harder than it looks. I spent some time with my friend Jan, and we spoke about her son who lost his house in the California wildfires. I told her about how gold is purified in the fire, about the fourth man in the fire story and how God doesn’t take you out of the fire but puts Jesus in it with you, and that I know her son is leveling up and will rise like a phoenix from the ashes. She gasped a little and said he lived on the Phoenix ranch.

May it be so.

I got home and the kids packed up for the long ride to Madame Swoosh. They stayed in the car with snacks and things to keep them busy.

I updated Odyle and her daughter Maryne translated for me. I then laid down on the table and she began to swoosh. She said the biopsy was painful, yes? Yes. Then she swooshed and swooshed around my breasts, and then stopped over my liver. It was like she made a frame around it with her hands and was looking inside of my body. I felt it as she looked and looked and looked. She pushed a little, flicked some things away then looked more. Then she shook her head and said to maryne she didn’t see the black mark, and didn’t understand. I said I dont either and didn’t feel like there was cancer in me at that moment there. She said she didn’t see any. Then she kept swooshing.

She turned me over and spent time on my neck, my hips, but also the middle of my back. She finished and said , “Phew…. PHEW!!! I am happy. I am happy!”

She then explained to me that she is just as confused about the liver cancer as the doctor, and I am quite the case, because she doesn’t see cancer there. I said that it doesn’t make sense as the markers were so low and the liver function was good, and I am not showing signs of infection either. She said she did see cancer in four spots on the bones, which is one more than what the pet scan picked up. She saw one in the middle of the spine that was extra, but she said they were light and wasn’t worried. She told me she wants me to call her as soon as I get results. I said maybe if there is no cancer in the liver they will then do a bone biopsy. She said wait until liver comes back. I asked if I should come back again while she is here and she said to wait. I told her it was one year and one day since I first met her when she said I would be cured and then help many many people. She said it’s still true. I told her about how I’m getting feelings of people and their pain and I dont know how it happens. She said that’s how it works. I told her how the other healer said I have healing hands but need to use them on me. She said that’s true. I explained how one day at yoga teacher training while meditating and visualization I saw purple circles with spinning moving dots floating away into a white light over and over, and when I came home I told rob that it was the last of the breast cancer in the breast and it was finally all gone. She said that is what happened. I asked what I should do now and she said nothing. Keep doing what I’m doing, stay connected to God, and keep visualizing healthy cells. I dont even have to lay hands on myself, I just have to be connected to God.

Then I asked if my children could meet her, as I want them to see the beautiful parts of this journey and meet people who are being used by God to heal me. Odyle laughed when I told her we call her Madame Swoosh and said she liked it.

My kids came in and she hugged them, and when she hugged Maddie, she became startled and gasped then exclaimed, “Oh!!! You’re an athlete! Do you want to be professional?” We were all startled. I never told her anything about my children. Maddie said she did just win divisions with her cross country team and Odyle kept looking at her and saying, “Oui, oui…”. Then she hugged Quinn again and asked if he was a musician.

He said he was in fourth grade chorus and gets to pick and instrument this year and may do percussion. When she hugged Morgan, she melted a bit and said how cute she was. I said she is our sunshine. Then she gently hugged her again and put her head against Morgan’s and said that she takes care of others all the time and needs to take care of herself a little more.

When she went to hug Maddie again, she went to say something but stopped and said, “Nothing… it’s nothing.” Then she said they are beautiful children and blessings. We hugged, we said we loved each other and I promised to call with results.

We went to Dicks to get kids winter jackets and snow boots, and rob laughed when I said we will have snow this weekend. I always say, “But Scott Smith says…”. He is a colleague of mine who is our own district meteorologist and always spot on.

We went to dinner across the street at Bertuccis, and as soon as we walked in I flash backed to two years ago when we ate there after my Chinese herbalist said to not worry. I’ll be ok. And here I was, two years later… and a Frenchwoman said the same thing. Quinn loves to play with the dough, and he made a pretend birthday cake for my nephew whose birthday was yesterday. We took a picture and texted it to him. I realized that once again big moments happen on holidays or birthdays.

Then?

I saw the same waitress who waited on us that night two years ago. I went up to her as we left and she remembered me. We took a picture and hugged.

When we got home, maddie said it was weird because Madame swoosh gave full hugs and she is a side hug girl. She said she knows Swoosh has the gift of prophecy, and she doesn’t know how to handle that. I think Odyle sensed that which is why she didn’t say more to Maddie at the end. Morgan said she felt love when she hugged her and it was like she knew who morgan was without ever meeting her. Quinn said he knows why I feel so happy after I see her, she is really nice, he likes her a lot and he would like to hug her again.

She smells and feels like pure love, like you are in the presence of all encompassing love, and she smells heavenly. It’s the only way to describe her. And her daughter Maryne is just as beautiful of a soul.

I’m up, and can’t go back to sleep. I’m praying today we get the biopsy results and they are negative for cancer and a miracle has occurred. I’ll deal with the bone later. Even Odyle said what my oncologist said, that the liver is the important thing now.

My spot where they went in for the biopsy was bleeding a little yesterday as rob changed the dressing. It’s right by my ribs, and it reminded me of where Jesus was pierced by the spear as he died on the cross. It made me even more grateful for all he did to save us all.

Today may the phone call come and miracles and prayers be answered. And no matter what, I’m going to be ok.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I am so scared.

I went from feeling so positive and good on Wednesday morning to having death whisper in my ear all night long that he is coming for me and quickly, and looking at my children and husband and crying and thinking I’m not going to see them next Christmas.

How is this my life?

I know my cells are listening to my thoughts. I know I have to change the shitty story I’m telling myself.

It’s hard when I’m in pain… and I am in pain.

I got up yesterday and washed my sheets so I had a clean bed to come home to, as well as vacuumed and did laundry and loaded the dishwasher. I kept thinking how I just finished four months of chemo one week ago, and I thanked God I was able to get all of that done before the biopsy.

We got to the hospital and I had some of the same nurses I had when my port was put in. It gave me a sense of peace to see them. They somehow remembered me, and were so kind. They were able to access the port, and they quickly got me into the procedure room. It was supposed to be done under a CAT scan, but because I cant have radiation it was all on sonogram. Craig was the radiologist and he was so kind. We discussed recovery and he jokingly asked if i okay any contact sports. I replied rugby, and we laughed. I told him i did just play in a professional basketball game against the Harlem Wizards the night before and he couldn’t believe it. I said they had to put two men on me because I was so good. We laughed again.

My nurse was Carol and God put her with me for a reason. I discussed with Craig and carol my concerns that I was wide awake for the port placement and also felt everything with 19ccs of lidocaine with the core needle breast biopsy. Their eyes widened a bit and said that 19 ccs was a lot. Carol took my blood pressure and it was in the high 140’s so I told her to wait and I could bring it to the 120s with my breath in a few seconds. She looked me right in the eyes and said, “If I’m understanding you, you’re going to be the type of patient who we won’t be able to pick up if you’re in pain through the normal ways, you’ll be quiet and breathing… and I should ask you often if you’re Ok?” In that moment I knew I was in good hands with her.

As she turned to walk away, something came over me and I blurted out, “Are you ok? Are you in pain in your back?” She stopped dead in her tracks and asked me what I said. I repeated it and she asked how I knew. She said she has hip and back pain. I told her I felt she had inflammation and should look into chaga mushroom for its inflammation properties, that it’s easy and safe and natural. I told her I know about hipa privacy, but I give her permission to contact chaga island and tell them my name and she was my nurse. She came back to my bedside and held my hand and asked me to repeat the name again.

I told her she had good energy and I was so glad she was my nurse.

She then said usually the doctor who would be with me was whoever finished the procedure before me first. She instead went and found the one who was more generous with the pain medication. He came in, heard my story, and said we would start at where the chart said they finished with during my port and breast biopsy.

I love Carol.

The doctor was kind and listened to everything I said. Dr Maleson talked to me the whole time, pulled up my liver and I saw the mass he was going to biopsy.

It’s big.

I put my hand up on the screen and he asked if I was ok.

I said I was praying over it and they all got quiet.

Then we began.

I didnt realize the liver was so high and up under my ribs on the right side. I felt the needle as I watched it go into the liver, and pain when he pulled the trigger to extract a part of the mass. He upped the meds again.

He took six samples and I breathed. I did hit a sleep state for a few minutes, and came back for the last two biopsies. He got six in all.

They wheeled me out and rob was right there outside the door. They put him in the room next to me to wait, and I was glad he was near. When Carol brought me back to recovery she told my recovery nurse they used double what they usually do for pain.

I had severe shoulder pain and they said it is connected to the liver. They pushed IV Tylenol and it helped. They let me go after about an hour or so. My last blood pressure reading was 111/55 and pulse was 77… all double numbers for me.

My brother sent me a text that he was praying and splitting wood and found a special log and sent me a picture. I was in such a pain state I didnt see what he meant at first and blew up the picture on my phone. I showed rob and said I saw the angel wings on the top of the picture, and he looked at me and said , “Keri, it’s the sign for Jesus”. The fish symbol.

Amazing.

(And goes to show how much pain I was in…)

I came home and got right on the couch. …along with Kasha. Dogs are amazing and know when things aren’t right. She may make us crazy, but she is curled up against me now on the bed and it gives me comfort.

Quinn came home and saw me quick then went to tennis with rob. Morgan and maddie came home and Morgan was so excited she made the middle school volleyball team. There are two teams, a blue and a white, only thirty spots, and over seventy girls tried out. She was so happy, and I was proud. We also sent love to the girls who didn’t make the team.

I watched Christmas movies on hallmark and lifetime. The Christmas movie on lifetime had my assistant principals best friend in it. Shanola came to our school last year and everyone lost their minds. She is on some show and her character name is “V”. I just have known her as the best friend of someone who prays with me and hugs me when I cry at school. It made me feel peace to see her, and I sent a picture screenshot of the show to my friend and said it was us.

Morgan got me more Tylenol when it was time, and Maddie kept asking me if i was ok. Quinn kept kissing my head.

I’m so lucky to have these three souls in my life, yet so sad their roles have switched to caretaker at times.

I went to bed and cried to rob that here I am praying the biopsy comes back as a miracle clean… and if it doesn’t, should I hope it’s a mutated breast cancer or a new primary liver? Which one will give me more time?

I slept on and off last night. I’m taking more Tylenol now for the pain.

I received a message from yet another friend who went to see Odyle, Madame swoosh, year’s ago. She also said she was a powerful energy worker. I also heard from others who live in Boston and have offered to meet with me or let us stay with them when we go. My network of blessings is large.

Today is yoga teacher training and I’m so sad I’m missing it. Restorative healing yoga was the theme for this weekend.

Today I’ll pray for less pain and quick recovery, and pray in thanksgiving in advance for good news when the biopsy comes back, and for another forty years of life as a testimony for God’s love and healing and miracles.

May it be so.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I was in shock yesterday.

I was feeling so confident because the breast felt softer and the ca125 numbers were so low.

So confident that I packed my remission accomplished shirt to wear home.

When we were brought into the exam room, it was early. But once 10:30 hit, then 10:40… I knew it was going to be bad.

When 11:00 hit and the doctor still wasn’t in…

I knew it was really bad. I knew she was looking at my scans and trying to figure out a new plan.

I played Christian songs as we waited and prayed out loud. I cried and rob held me.

Then the doctor walked in with her intern and assistant and my heart dropped at their faces.

She said she spoke to the radiologist and it doesn’t make sense. The breast and lymph nodes responded completely, but the liver?

Not only were the spots that were there now having FDG uptick indicative of cancer, but now there are more and bigger. There are also three bone lesions.

I remember crying out to Jesus.

Rob was quick on his feet and asked questions. Could it be something else like a false positive? Very slim chance, like an infection, but I’m not exhibiting any signs. How could the breast and lymph nodes be clear and it grow elsewhere during hard chemo for four months? Because of this gene issue I was diagnosed with, it could be a new primary… liver cancer. It also mutates cancer quicker and flips the cancer pathways and blows through therapies quicker. So it could be a totally new subtype of breast cancer, where the main site was one type, and the type that is the offspring changed, meaning there are two types of breast cancer in the body. Why was the marker so low, even the ca-15 we monitored? She doesn’t know.

She was just as shocked as we were.

It was explained that we have to do a liver biopsy ASAP. It will be sent away for genetic testing to see which genes are driving it, and which treatment would be most effective. However, I’m not on any treatment now, and that is concerning. The biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, but she is pushing for Monday or every tomorrow. It takes two to three weeks for results, and I’ll be off treatment as it grows.

They discussed the bleeding risk of the biopsy, the 48/72 hour recovery, and the pain as they will try to get more than one sample possibly. She feels the bone mets are connected. I asked if surgery is now off the table for the breast and she said yes.

I asked if it is two types of breast cancer can the one in the breast wake up again? She said yes.

I said I’m now playing whack a mole to save my life.

She said yes, and we have to keep whacking as it pops up. I asked about the bones and she said it’s the liver that is the big issue here.

It’s not good.

I asked about my liver function we monitored throughout the summer and it was fine. I’m not jaundiced and not in pain.

It’s very rare and confusing.

Of course it is.

The intern and assistant hugged me and held my hand. Another nurse friend came in and held me as i fell apart and gave me lavender oil to breathe.

I kept thinking about my kids.

This great big epic story i told myself about surgery in two weeks and then no more treatment because i was oligometastatic disappeared.

I asked my doctor if there are treatments available and she said she was optimistic and when she isn’t, that’s when we worry. I also saw my former trial coordinator and she said she will look into clinical trials.

Then I had to go get blood taken for the biopsy, as well as an Xgeva shot in the stomach for the bones. I also had to get a neupogen shot in the stomach for the white blood cell count to prepare for the biopsy.

I called my mom and texted the family.

I called my principals and cried, told them i plan on working a long as I can, and may have to miss either the one field trip a year we planned for next week, or the thanksgiving feast.

I contacted Dana Farber Cancer Center in Boston to see one of their specialists and possibly add to my team. My oncologist is willing to work with more specialists.

We picked up Quinn and Madison and told them. We started with the positive news about the breast and lymph being clear. Quinn became exited and said it’s all gone??? We then we kept it light that the liver spots lit up as there are some new ones on the bone. That mommy has to do another biopsy, I’ll be on the couch a few days, and then we move on to a new treatment. We told them I may travel to Boston. Maddie said she is looking at it as a “win” because I got rid of fifty percent of the cancer in four months. We discussed with her how she looked up stage four two years ago and it scared her. We told her not to look up any of this, because it will scare her again and those statistics are not mom, and they didn’t have Dr Snuffleuffugus or Donnie Yance or a French woman who swooshes or the faith or nutrition or juices.

I went to reflexology and Paula met me in the parking lot. We walked in and I cried as I told danielle and Paula about everything. They have total faith that I’ll get through this. Then Daniele did reiki and reflexology and hot stones and hugs. I needed it after the day I had.

I went to pick up Morgan and told her. She was quiet and I told her not to look anything up either.

None of my kids cried, but they were quiet and strong and my heroes and oh my god I want to see them grow up so badly.

I emailed Dr Snuffleuffugus and he will be changing the formula to address the liver and bone mets.

I emailed Donnie Yance and his assistant said he is away but will be glad about the Caris testing and she is praying for me.

Madame swoosh just arrived from France and I am seeing her Sunday at 5 pm.

Rob and I discussed and we are hitting it hardcore with diet. I’ll be doing 13 hour fasts every day, only organic, only plant, no processed, no dairy. I relaxed a little during chemo to get through the nausea and raise my counts.

Some of my friends in the arena contacted me with liver hope stories. One told me of her daughters false positive uptick on the liver. One told me of a woman living for twelve years with liver mets.

The scary thing is that everyone is different, and some last for years, and some go very quickly.

I’m praying for decades.

Alycia texted me and said the comeback is always bigger than the setback, and Leila texted me that her grandma reminded her that the liver regenerates.

I’m going to work today, then playing in the school district union fundraiser Harlem Wizard game.

I’ll keep busy and try not to go down the rabbit hole of what if’s.

I’ll pray that the liver was a false positive and the biopsy will prove it.

I’ll pray the Chinese herbs and Donnie pills will clear up whatever is there.

I’ll pray Odyle will swoosh it out.

I’ll pray for Jesus to heal me.

I’ll pray for strength for rob and the kids.

I dont know why I chose the Bible verse shirt I did yesterday.

“Keep pressing forward” Phillipians 3:19.

But that’s what I’ll do.

Because I love my husband and children and life.

Don’t take anything for granted.

Stop complaining and look at your blessings. Especially if you have your health.

I’m in Groundhog Day, as two years ago this month I had the breast biopsy then had to wait for the bone biopsy.

Last year this month I had to wait for the appendix biopsy.

I find myself this year this month waiting for a liver biopsy.

I used to love November. It’s my birthday month.

Not so much anymore.

May today bring news of a biopsy sooner than Wednesday, and healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

*this is my nurse friend with me right before I found out. She held me and gave me lavender. God sends nurses when we need them most.

I went for my scans yesterday.

I have to keep telling myself that no matter what I hear today, I will still come home and be with my family tonight.

Today is such a big day for us getting these results. No matter what I’m told, I still have hurdles to jump over and roads to travel.

Yesterday was a long day.

I prayed for peace and I received it.

My friend eileen told me to imagine that when I was in the tube, strapped in and the mask over my head wig warring and beeping and whizzing and banging…

To imagine that I was instead in Mary’s womb, a child of God, that Jesus was with me, and the constant beating I heard was Mary’s heartbeat. That I was safe and protected and never alone in there.

It worked.

I had the same man who always puts in the IV for the radioactive dye. We had a hard time last time, and I told him about the warm packs, but he said he didn’t want to admit defeat immediately. He managed to get it in first try (couldn’t use the port for these tests.). I became emotional when it was taped down, and I thanked him. He said he had the easy job, and mine was much harder. So true.

I had the same tech for the tests, and I told him we were 1-2 for results. One remission, two recurrences. He offered to get someone else to do it because we haven’t gotten good results the last two times together, but I told him that this time we would even the score.

I told him I actually complained about the painting at the foot of the machine, and how it is upside down the whole test with the mirror. He then did something very kind for me, but I promised to keep it quiet. It’s something that I’m going to one day try and get all hospitals to do, as it helped me immensely.

The first test was the full body one. That took over an hour.

When it was done, he pulled me out and unstrapped me and allowed me to stand and stretch for a moment. He said I could have headphones with music for the next test, as they were only looking at my abdomen and not my brain for the second round. He was surprised when I asked for the Nat King Cole Christmas station, but I said it made me happy.

He strapped me back down and in the tube I went.

The first song I heard?

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas”. The song I referred to all the time when I was first diagnosed and reminds me of my Nanny.

Then?

“Oh Holy night”, my grandmothers favorite song.

Not only was Jesus in the tube with me, but so were my grandmothers. It was hard not to cry because my head was strapped down in a mask and my arms were strapped to my sides and I couldn’t wipe my tears.

I became nervous when he had to take a couple of scans over and over. I kept telling myself it was to get an even clearer picture of the liver to show it’s clean and clear.

He pulled me out and said it’s done, and I said “Merry Christmas.” He told me I was the happiest calmest patient he thinks he ever had.

Christmas music will do that to me.

I started the testing process at 9:30, and walked out at 12.

I went to work and ended up having to redo all of my report card comments that apparently went missing. I cursed a little, then rolled up my sleeves and did them all over again. I’m good at moving on.

I went to a wake last night for my former school nurse’s husband. We held hands and she talked about God’s grace and beauty at the end. We spoke about how it may seem like forever now until she sees him again in Heaven, but truly it is the blink of an eye compared to the eternity they will spend together. We also talked about how and when do you tell your spouse everything that needs to be said before goodbye.

When rob and I got to the parking lot, I did my thirty second cry as he hugged me and I asked if he knew everything that needed to be said from me.

He does.

We came home and everyone was in bed by 8:30.

I meet with my doctor today at 10:30.

Im visualizing her coming in and saying, “Great Scans Keri. Now on to the tumor board.”

Thank you for all of your comments of support. It helps more than you know.

I’m hoping to share some good news around 11:30…

Or 11:11.

May today bring remission again, and a clear path ahead.

Not today, cancer. Today…

I will hear the four months of hard chemo worked. All cancer is gone. The tumor board will accept to hear my case. Long term remission is in my hands.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri