Space.

The universe.

The planets, moon and stars.

When you think about the big picture, it’s pretty amazing.

Yesterday, I grew an immense understanding, appreciation and respect for the universe.

Ask any teacher, nurse, or police officer if they can tell there is a full moon without even looking outside, and they can immediately. People act crazy during full moons.

Think about the tide of the ocean. The moon makes the tide go in and out, higher or lower.

Those that know about the word “retrograde” have an understanding of why things seem to go wrong during certain times of the year.

Then, there are people who have studied planets, stars, houses, and can get your birthdate, time of birth, location of your birth, and then make a chart with the information and blow your mind.

Right about now, there are probably people reading this who are like, “Keri is pissing off God and straying into sketchy territory.”

Totally false.

God created everything, even the planets. He knows every star in the sky, and even the wise men saw and followed a star to lead them to Jesus. I’m not worshiping astrology or making planets idols, but understanding even more how God not only wrote the Bible, but also tells stories in the flowers , in the moon and stars in the sky.

Yesterday I went back to Juli, from Knead and Seed in Sag Harbor. If you want to know about planets and houses and how they can affect your life, she is the one to go to.

She spent two and a half hours with me explaining how the planets influenced certain areas of my life, and was spot on. That of course I’m a teacher, because one planet was in a certain position and that represents a love for children. That rob is a perfect fit for me because of his sign. She discussed again how Scorpio’s are the most powerful sign, as we have three representations…snake, which is a ground dweller and sheds its skin as it transforms and grows over and over, the Eagle that flies above and sees the truth easily, and the Phoenix which rises from the ashes over and over.

We focused on the medical astrology portion and she said the chart showed that when I was diagnosed, it was fast and intense, and that there was an emotional kick off point to it which made me a wounded healer. It was all exactly correct. She said that it showed I have strong willpower, but I need to tap into it again right now, and have a tendency for addiction to either drugs, alcohol, or food.

Again, spot on.

I’m not a drug user, but did like to drink my wine. However, the moment I was diagnosed, I gave up all alcohol cold turkey.

The food however?

That’s a daily struggle.

I’m a sugar addict. When I was first diagnosed, I had the willpower to cut out all sugar, carbs, meat. I barely ate, juices like crazy, and salads and soups were my mainstay.

But here’s the thing with food addiction. It’s unlike drug addiction or alcohol, in that when an addict is like,” I just want one little line of coke”, or “God, I just want one sip of wine…” everyone around him or her would be like…”NO! You’ve worked so hard, don’t blow it.”

But a food addict who loves sugar?

“God, I just want one piece of cake.”

“Go ahead, live a little, life is for living, it’s not going to kill you.”

See?

Plus, food is EVERYWHERE.

I know I have I go back to hardcore nutrition , and it’s hard. Yesterday was validating for me that I just have to do it. It’s not enough to take eighty something pills a day and say that it is enough. I also need to put into my body healthy food which is medicine.

Juli also mentioned that my lungs are weak. For all of the meditation I write about, I find myself at many times during the day shallow breathing. She said I HAVE to exercise. I HAVE to improve my lungs RIGHT NOW. Which is another whisper I’ve been getting, and recently started walking a mile every day before school.

I explained how exhausted I am by the end of the day, and she said perhaps it’s time to leave teaching and focus one hundred percent on my health.

That produced an anger feeling inside my body and a “Hell no!” Reaction.

We had talked about that.

How I need to listen to my body and learn the signs of how it communicates to me. From now on, there is no doing anything unless it tells me “Hell yes!”

So quitting my job or taking a leave of absence is off the table, since I get much more joy out of it and I feel it keeps me healthy.

So we discussed ways to preserve my energy and I’ll be working on that.

She also said I need to learn to rest. That I am in “Fight AND flight” mode all… of…the…time.

She asked what I do to relax and realized I dont.

She asked if I read for pleasure, and I realized im currently reading eight books, all of which are related to healing and cancer.

Social media? Others use it as an escape, I use it for cancer.

I used to be the harlequin romance, fifty shades, Harry Potter, twilight girl. Juli said it’s time to find ways to relax.

Read a book that has nothing to do with healing, or better yet, get a book on tape and go for a walk outside.

That’s another thing.

I have nothing in my earth space, so she said I need to get outside more. Grounding, forest bathing, exercise outside.

The planet Jupiter has my back, even though it can also make things bigger. She said as a whole, the chart showed strength, which is what Odyle mentioned. How strong I am inside, even with all of the cancer. Juli also said that looking at me, you couldn’t tell anything was going on inside the body.

She also released me from being “Cancer Keri”. She said to remove that name from my life, that feeling that I have to save the world from cancer. That right now is the critical time to save ME. She said there will be some planetary things going on in January 2020, so now is the time to prepare my body to make it strong. She also said a year and a half from now will be a big transition or change.

Now is the time.

Willpower, diet and exercise. She said tai chi or yoga would be beneficial. Maybe even kundalini.

I taped the conversation so I can go back and relisten, as so much of it went over my head. But man, she is brilliant and cool and amazing.

God knows the plans He has for us, and it’s written in the stars.

I have so much more appreciation for the sky, and I’ll be sure to look up more .

We all should.

It makes you realize the miracle that you are in the grand scheme of things. God created the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets…

Then He created you.

He continues to create moment to moment. He only wants the best for us, and once we finally truly get that, our lives will be changed.

For me, once I truly grasp that there is no room for fear or anxiety about the cancer, that healing is mine, everything will change.

I still have work to do.

I have emotional cords to cut, situations to remove my energy from, addiction to food to conquer, and exercise to do every day.

May it all happen effortlessly, quickly and bring total healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

its been a while. I know.

I’m on a new treatment, as the everolimus failed and the cancer went up the spine as well as the liver continued to spread. I went to Florida for the Annie Appleseed conference, started verzenio and lost a dear friend to this disease. I’ve been grieving. I’ve been healing. I decided to share today’s Facebook post.

I hope it helps someone, somewhere.

Today is “Madame Swoosh” day. I’ll be driving about an hour to meet my French energy worker, Odyle Beauvelaine and her daughter Maryne. I love these women now, as they have become my friends. When I spoke to Maryne to make the appointment, she thanked me for all of the emails I’ve been sending to keep her mom informed. She said her mom has continued to work on me every day.

Jesus is my healer.

But He also gave his disciples the power to heal others through the Holy Spirit. Odyle had stage four cancer at thirty three and was healed. She is now seventy and said she was given this gift from God. She has also said I am directly connected, and that when we are together her energy is affected.

I’m hoping she can help my back pain today. I also feel pain in my breast pain and I think that breast tumor feels bigger.

Swoosh.

Swoosh.

Swoosh it away.

My kids are coming with me, as they’ve met her before and they told me her hugs feel like heaven.

They truly do.

We spent the day yesterday cleaning, and my floors were finally mopped for the first time in months. We also set up for Easter, and I felt good about that.

I watched the story of Jesus as I cleaned, then watched the Brene Brown Netflix special.

Man, she is amazing.

Alycia has been in my heart a lot, and I cried a little by myself in the bathroom so the kids wouldn’t see. We were in the arena together, and unless you’re in this crazy cancerland, you won’t understand. She always did, and always calmed me down, and I calmed her down as well. We spoke about Theodore Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena”, and that was our poem.

So it was fitting that the Brene Brown special debuted yesterday on a day I missed her, and she spoke about the arena.

She also spoke about vulnerability and the story we tell ourselves, and how it takes great courage to be vulnerable. I’ve made myself extremely vulnerable here.

I’ve opened up my life, my cancerland journey, my time in the arena, my fears, my joys. I’ve been criticized, ostracized at times. I’ve wanted to stop after those moments.

But here’s the thing.

A friend contacted me Friday, and her mom was in the hospital for an illness. During a scan, they found a lump, and suddenly words like “cancer”, “malignant”, and “biopsy” entered their world. She said she didn’t know what to do, and knew she had to contact me.

During a frightening time, this friend reached out to me, because she knew I’ve been in the arena and have done all I can to make myself an expert in this arena.

And all the while, I’ve been vulnerable and somehow courageous enough to share it all through the stories I’ve been telling myself and learning from others.

Brene also talked about boundaries. I’ve been getting better.

There are people who will criticize those of us in the arena. They are all in the cheap seats. Think about sports games. The players are sweaty, putting in the work, sore, sometimes bleeding, bruised, and out of breath. The people watching in the cheap seats are yelling what the players should do, or worse, obscenities. Some are offering encouragement.

For those of us in the arena, we’ve got to learn how to step over the crap hurled our way and tune out the cheap seats, and listen to the coaches and people who love us even when we are losing, and continue to cheer us on.

Learn boundaries.

Set boundaries.

Have boundaries like a motherf*cker, but still keep softness and love.

Then I went to church for Good Friday, and we exited the church in total darkness and silence all the way to our cars to symbolize the grief, anguish and pain of those who loved Jesus after He was crucified.

How was this possible that the man who raised people from the dead and healed the sick and gave sight to blind could have died? But according to God’s plan, Jesus has to die so He could be raised up three days later. His disciples didn’t know the plan though. The grief and sorrow must have been breathtaking.

Their Saturday was a long day.

I’ve been in my own personal “Saturday” since diagnosis. I dont know His plan for me, and won’t until death. So I’ll continue to pray that His plan is to keep me here in this arena for many more years, offering hope to others here and there. I never chose this life. It’s the life I’ve been given.

It’s been made easier by looking for joy.

I get joy every day from my job, and the children in my class who live in my heart.

I get joy from my friends who are not in the cheap seats, but in the front rows cheering me on and throwing me organic food and juices and massages and reflexology and love and texts and likes on posts and comments.

I get joy from my nurses who cry and laugh with me through painful treatments.

I get joy and hope from my oncologist and herbalist and specialist.

I get joy from my children, who are my whole world and make this world a beautiful place. I could not have imagined the deep love and admiration and joy I for from Madison, Morgan and Quinn.

I get joy from my family who have given me nieces and nephews (one who turns 13 today…. wooo Hunter!), and are my children’s best friends and sprites.

I get joy from my parents who talk to me every day on the phone and have given me a life full of love and support and strength.

I get joy from my husband, who is my rock. Who stands beside me in this arena. Who works tirelessly for our family. Who loves me even with the extra weight from the medications, the different phases of hair, the crying and sweaty long nights.

I went to bed and watched a movie about a girl who fell into a tree and was miraculously healed from a terminal illness. The mother said she didn’t know why God chose to heal her daughter and not other children.

That’s an answer I would like to know as well.

My Saturday has been long.

But there’s a Sunday coming.

For some, they are lucky that they don’t feel the long Saturday that lasts for years.

But for those of you who have been living the Saturday longer than the 24 hours, waiting for your own Eater Sunday miracle….

I see you.

I send you joy, peace, comfort and love.

May our Sunday come soon.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxox

Keri