“Allergy Shots”

Good morning.

Its been nice having a break and not feeling the pressure to write every day. Today is a day I need prayers, so I am writing.

I’ve been playing a game in my head this past week. You see, my breast, side, armpit, shoulder, arm and lower back are all hurting.

All the time.

Usually that’s not good.

It’s like I have all these little fires going on that I’m tying to put out, in my body, in my mind, and trying to teach and be a mom and wife.

So the game I’m playing is “Turn that stinking thinking around”, and pretending that the pain is from the cancer cells breaking away from the tumors and trying to find a way out.

Quinn has also been in my bed still. He climbed onto my lap in the car yesterday before school and asked me to just hold him. His belly hurt again.

He ended up going home and spending the day on nanny’s couch.

I had a talk with the girls and asked them to try and play even more with him, as he is only nine and doesn’t know how to get his feelings out.

They agreed and were sweet with him.

I have to go to the hospital today.

That always seems to trigger his belly aches.

Today I have more vials and vials of blood taken, see the oncologist, have two nurses simultaneously inject the very painful shots into my muscles right above my ass, and for extra fun, they want me to have an EKG because you know…. the medicine that’s supposed to prolong my life can cause heart damage.

I’ll check my white blood cell count and hopefully be able to tell if I’m in the placebo group or chemo group.

I truly have no clue.

Some days I can stand and do things until 6:30 or 7 pm and then I turn into a frog and lay on a log and try not to croak… and other days I come Home and head straight to the log by 4.

Today I’m playing a new game.

The anticipation of these needles can make a girl crazy, so I’ve decided to call them “allergy shots”.

I mean, I AM allergic to cancer.

The moment as they count down to injection feels like forever… then the time the needles are in feels like forever times three.

But I’m playing to win, and I’ll keep doing whatever I have to do.

I know it’s not if you win or lose but how you play the game, but man, I really hope I get to play this painful game for many years to come.

I’m also hoping that somehow all of these appointments and procedures which begin at two o’clock go quickly.

Quinn worked so hard on a science project and tonight is the fair.

Morgan also has a dance.

I’m praying I can gingerly get to the fair tonight with Quinn and help Morgan do her hair.

I’m teaching all morning, and that will help me keep my mind off of the allergy shots.

Taking the break from writing also helped me disconnect from Facebook a bit, and I realized how much people use it as a tool to hurt others.

Sometimes when you step back you see a bigger picture.

Be nice.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…send good thoughts instead and be thankful you’re not playing the games I am.

My friend Alycia is also starting a new round of therapy today. Please hold her in your prayers as well.

My other friend Megan is doing well, as is Leila.

If a girl has to be dropped into the arena for the games, I’ve got some amazing teammates.

Today may my doctor feel my breast and say the tumors are softer and smaller, the pain is a good thing, my heart is strong, the needles are quick, and I get to live my long life.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

“Don’t be a Raisin… Be a Grape.”

I spent the day yesterday in an energy workshop. Through all of my research, I’ve learned that there are multiple ways of healing…traditional medicine, emotional, spiritual, nutritional, and energetic. This post is going to be long, but you’re going to learn a lot. Get a cup of coffee and get ready…

Before I start, I’m going to acknowledge that some Christians are very uncomfortable with some of this talk. Dharma, chakras, spirit… I believe that Jesus is my ultimate healer. When they talked about spirit, I thought of the Holy spirit. It was all based on love and light, and the Bible is a living breathing story about how we are supposed to be stewards of love and light.

Vessels.

So I was comfortable there.

One of the first exercises we did was resetting our energy channels. Everyone may have heard about your chakras. When energy gets stuck in one of the chakras, dis-ease builds up. They say when women have pain or feel hurt or give too much and don’t care for themselves, it hurts their heart. What is over their heart?

Breasts.

Breast cancer grew over my left breast.

The teacher showed us our meridians and where our chakras were, and then how to clear them. We were shown how to go in a counterclockwise movement and pull out bad energy and throw it to the earth, then close the chakra in a clockwise motion. We reset at night when we sleep, but this is a great way to clear yourself of bad energy whenever you need it. Maybe you had a bad day at work. When you get outside, reset.

It hit me when she started demonstrating and swooshing over her body…I had this done before.

Madame Voila Swooosh, in the basement before the appendix surgery. She was so intuitive to reading energy, she knew exactly where there were tumors without me telling her, feelings that I had that were hurting me, warned me about trying to help others by taking their pain and in turn hurting myself with the burden, and how connected to God I had become. Yesterday’s teacher said that we can do it whenever we want, and how even better it is to do it outside.

Lots of connection to nature and trees and water and sky and fire.

Then we learned about our own energy field. Our energy goes one arm length all around our body. I learned about the eight and ninth chakras as well. When we are outside we can push our energy and it goes a little further. We learned about how to pull it down over us and protect ourselves, as well as how to enclose someone else in it.

(Always with permission…

Or else that’s sorcery and a whole different issue and intention. Intention is everything.)

We practiced on partners and my partner told me that when she was in my protective bubble, something changed.

She felt white light and warmth and safe, and she also felt when I lifted it off of her. When she placed me in hers, it felt similar, but not as strong as she described to me. It was pretty amazing.

We switched partners again and practiced feeling feelings, then touching our partner on the shoulder.

The three feelings were…

“I want to help you. How can I help you?”

“I’m so sad for you. It’s so horrible.

I’m so so so sorry.”

“How can I be of service?”

I was “touched” first, and the help touch was warm.

The sad and pity touch made everything feel sad and dark, and the service touch felt like white light.

When it was my time to touch, my partner realized I didnt really do the pity touch and understood.

You see, when I was diagnosed, the pity and sad looks crushed me.

Crushed…me.

I kept telling people to stop saying they were sorry. Even yesterday, after spending all day trying to protect my energy, I ran into someone I haven’t seen since the diagnosis. She meant well, but started tearing up and said how sorry she was and was so sad for me. I felt the darkness and sadness coming and quick brought down my bubble of light. You all know it and feel it. When you are around angry people, you become angry. Look at our society.

The angry mob affect.

Then go to church.

The peace affect.

That’s all energy.

Then we switched and did another powerful exercise. I’m glad I had paula as my partner for that one. We learned how to disrupt someone’s energy flow in their body. It was wild. I’m not telling you how to do it, but it’s scientifically and energetically possible. Some say it’s witchcraft-like. Magic. If you use it for evil, yes.

But it was important to learn how to build up the strength back. And you were definitely stronger when you finished getting energy and meridians fortified.

The last exercise was resetting our fight or flight mechanism.

We as a society are in an almost constant panic mode. The news, jobs, stress. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. Fight or flight was meant for us to know how to outrun danger. In nature, a gazelle will be chased by a cheetah,

and bound across the water.

The cheetah doesn’t like water so it stops the chase and paces across the riverbank. The gazelle will shake violently for a moment, essentially shaking off the fear, then calmly graze in the meadow at the rivers edge while the cheetah still paces in its view.

The danger may still be in sight, but not a danger in the moment.

Us?

We have the news and technology and even jobs getting us into constant fight or flight.

Even in school, lockdowns, intruder drills, walkouts. The safe space has been taken from our children.

When we unplug and go to the beach or the woods, our body resets and gets calmer.

Scientific fact.

Yesterday I learned how to reset a heart to the state of calm. I’ve been given permission to practice on others. It’s actually quite lovely.

When it was done to me, I didn’t even realize my partner had lifted her hands off of me.

I sat with the teacher during the lunch break and showed her a book my mom had given me. She said she wanted to talk to me.

She said that when I told her the night before that I wanted to get rid of the tumors when I prayed and put the stick into the fire, I needed to learn something first.

The tumors came to teach.

What was not right in my life?

I told her I knew that, and have become a very different person than I was two years ago. I told her about the first oncologist and how I remember floating out of my body, hearing a whizzing and my whole energy field was vibrating hard. I remembered I left and started to float above my body, then realized my mom and dad behind me and saw Robs shocked face next to me. I said to myself I had to go back into my body and show them that the story the doctor just told wasn’t going to be my story. The teacher said that my out of body moment was a beautiful gift my mind and soul gave me. I was able to leave my body when it was being given a death sentence, and then come back with a new downloaded story. A story where I told myself the things the doctor was telling me wasn’t my story, and mine was going to be different.

And it was a gift.

The teacher shocked me next.

She said some people call what she does Witchery or sorcery, those who don’t understand it.

But some doctors?

They practice white coat witchcraft. People will feel perfectly healthy walking into an appointment, have a few words spoken over them…then walk out feeling sick, and become sicker.

It’s true.

I’ve seen it.

That’s why some people are told they have stage four cancer when they feel healthy and then suddenly become sicker and sicker and go home to die… and some people are told they have stage four and say…”That’s not my story.

I dont like the story you are writing about my life.

I’m throwing it out.”

I told the teacher about the mouse dream I had before I was told the cancer was awake again. The mice in the snow cave wall waking up and moving and digging. I knew that meant it was awake, and when the PET scan came back a month later, I wasn’t surprised. She said that I was right, but also said that mice and rats are amazing. They can get into tiny little spaces and when they do, they dig and scratch and claw out all the crap. If you ever look at the space where mice live,

It’s neat and is clean. The mice were white in my dream.

White blood cells.

The mice were working and clawing out the cancer cells. I told her how I had tried to learn to accept that my oncologist said the tumors may stay there and never disappear. She said that’s “stinking thinking”, and I was buying into the oncological story for me, the map doctors had for my life. Throw that out.

Maybe it came back because I needed to keep digging to see what I had to fix even more in my life, and then rid myself of all the tumors and circulating stem cancer cells, then live a long life.

That’s the story I’m writing.

So why did I name this post “Don’t be a Raisin, be a grape?”

She explained to us how important it is to drink water. The only difference between a Raisin and a grape is hydration.

If you’ve ever tried to put a grape into a fork, it’s hard. You try to stick it, but it rolls around.

A raisin however, is easy.

You can stick a fork into it easily, bend it in half, mold it however you want.

That’s how energy affects us.

When we fill our bodies with water, we feel better and are healthier. I’m going to add that when we fill our souls with faith and joy and love and light, nothing can penetrate us.

Don’t be a raisin.

Be a grape.

We ended with the teacher telling us that the moment we think we can help someone with a specific issue, back away.

That’s not our job.

Back up, and instead of trying to fix the thing that needs fixing, just send out love and light everywhere and to everything.

Isn’t that perfect?

Isn’t that what the Bible tells us our one job is while here on earth?

Love one another.

It’s not your job to judge, that’s your ego.

Just… be… love.

Be the vessel and allow His light and love to shine through you.

Totally empty yourself to Him, so He can fill you up so much with His light and love that there is no room for anything else.

I’m exhausted, as are the kids. We are going to stay home today and pray over a quiet breakfast. I need to rest and refill myself… then maybe take off my shoes and hug a tree.

And drink lots of water.

Today…Don’t be a raisin, all shriveled up, dark, easily squeezed.

Be a big, plump, juicy, bright grape, impenetrable to anyone trying to pierce your soul.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Whew.

Xoxo

Keri

I woke up yesterday and got the kids ready to go to my brothers house. Then I opened up a book and it had a Robert Frost poem. It reminded me of the drawing my friend Paula had somebody make for me from the Steam Rorschach blob on my wall. Two paths diverging and me at a crossroads. Kind of like the two arms of the trial.

If there was a way to explain how it feels to be in a trial, it would be the VIP treatment… Very Important Patient.

My trial coordinator Pushpa was waiting for me by the doors of the cancer center. She has a big binder with my name on it and all these numbers. She had an updated agreement for me to sign, as they’ve added MORE side effects. Im glad I did all the exercises that Speed Reader taught me when I was eight and used to watch “The Great Space Coaster”. I was able to leave my body for the few minutes while my eyeballs scanned the pages of side effects. If I don’t really read them, they won’t happen, right?

Then she came with me for my oncological physical exam. My oncologist measured the tumors and they didn’t shrink like I thought. I also felt it when she felt the tumor in the armpit from the lymph nodes. But I explained to her my plan of them dissolving and going away in three months, and that oddly enough, I felt calm about it. I said I felt panic the last three months at the unknown feeling of thinking it was awake and growing, but now that I know what I’m dealing with, I’m calm. She gave me a score of 100% on the positive outcome scale. She gave herself an 80%, so we have a 90% average together. It was nice to hear.

She said how crazy it is that they won’t tell her if I get the chemo because she will know from my blood counts. I said me too, as I’ve become pretty good at reading my blood, but my blood is going to help them cure cancer, so we’re all good. I explained to her about all the leafy greens I’m doing and zero sugar, not even fructose. She likes the diet change.

Then we went for bloodwork. It took two tries to get a vein, and they filled up eight vials. Pushpa wrote down the exact time they took the blood. We walked out of the room at 11:11. I kid you not.

Then they brought me to another room and called for an extra nurse. They explained they would both inject the needles and push in the medicine at the same time. Then?

“Ok, pull your pants down, bend over, relax your knees a little, try to breathe though it, and hold on…3…2..1…now.”

Holy hell.

The needles had to go into my muscles right above my burr, and the pain, pressure and burning was intense. One side hurt really bad and then the other caught up to it. Rob held my hand which held the cross as I gripped the chair. I think I did the silent scream face from that famous painting.

Then it was over and they wrote down the time. 11:16. That’s my birthday. I took it as a sign.

Then Pushpa went to get the pills from the pharmacy. It struck me that the placebo pills are sugar pills. Sugar feeds cancer. How crazy is that? It should be turmeric pills. I have to take three ginormous pills a day at the same time and record the time, as well as any side effects I feel. I may write some extra prayers on the page for motivation, as well as little holistic alternative things and ideas for the scientists to read when they go over my work. Covert education and ministry.

My friend Cathy told me she had a friend who worked there, and wouldn’t you know, I met the friend yesterday. Heather gave me a hug before my exam and a hug as we were making all of the follow up appointments. She prayed over me and it was a lovely moment.

Rob went to make sure something else was taken care of, and an elderly woman and her daughter sat by me. This woman said she just got two shots in the butt, and I said I did too. She looked shocked when I told her my diagnosis. She told me she was told she had just a little time left to live…twenty two years ago.

Then she asked me…”Are you afraid today?”

I took a pause… then replied honestly.

“No, I’m not. I cant explain it, but the last few days I’ve been filled with peace. I prayed for peace and healing, and He is giving it to me.”

Her eyes lit up, and she said that’s the secret. She said everyone else can worry, but she gives it all to Jesus. She said isn’t it wonderful to not have to worry anymore?

And it is.

Yes, I was in physical pain. But I’ll take the physical pain over the emotional and spiritual and mental pain any day.

We went to get a quick salad as I had been fasting for eighteen or so hours, and that’s when I got the call to bring Maddie for her first job interview.

I brought her home from my brothers house, had her change, she typed up a letter with her accomplishments, and off we went. After her interview she had to interact with campers and the director talked to me. She said Madison is very different, and she hadn’t met any kids like her. We discussed how she doesn’t have any social media, and I truly feel that has made her more confident. She doesn’t do things for “likes”, she does things because she cares about what SHE thinks, not others. She was hired on the spot, and was excited.

Then we came home and she went to work on some homework and then a book she has been writing for over a year.

We were going to take Maddie out for dinner, but I was in too much pain. Quinn has a bad cold and cough, so I cancelled a sleepover we had planned for them at my brothers and they came home.

We all snuggled, and then went to bed.

I’ve decided I’m going to get my hair done today. I read one of the side effects is more hair thinning, but I figured if I’ve got it now, I might as well do what I can with it. Raquel checked and it doesn’t have the bad carcinogens ingredients so I’m excited to go sit gingerly in a chair.

I have to work tomorrow and Friday.

I wish I could stay home and rest more, but being at work gives me purpose. I’ll take it as easy as I can while surrounded with twenty two five year olds.

Today may all the medication in my body work synergistically with my herbs, food, prayers, and meditations to heal my body, and make me one of the radical responders, and if not, one of the new generation of chronic thrivers of stage four cancer.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Last night my brother sent me a text wishing me luck. He wrote, “I’m surprised it wants it’s ass kicked again.”

Made me laugh.

I actually laughed a lot yesterday. I watched the new reboot of Roseanne, and was surprised. She even has the same pill box I do. I laughed out loud at some parts. It was real. And as hard and crazy and surreal life can be, if you keep your sense of humor, you’ll make it through.

I had a house full of kids. Maddie had a bunch of kids, and I had a bunch of cousins over for the other two. At one point I had two tables full of games being played, no technology, kids laughing, and I kept thinking how surreal it was that all the time I’m waiting for a call to let me know that I can go to the hospital in 24 hours and begin a new trial to save my life.

Surreal reality.

Rob called me and told me I was starting the trial while I was sitting with all the kids, and I had to keep my poker face and not cry.

Then I quickly texted my family, rob came home, and I went to reflexology with Danielle.

Talk about perfect timing.

When we finished, she said I felt good. And I did.

I’m ready.

I told her that if they can find what will work and cure cancer from me, then everything I’ve been through will have been worth it.

I came home, fed fifteen kids, and kept playing.

Then everyone left, and I went to bed.

I’m up now, about to get ready.

I am grateful my oncologist is coming in on her day when she doesn’t see patients to start me. This way I have today and tomorrow to deal with side effects, if any.

I’ve tried my best to be nonchalant about the two big needles that will get injected into my ass, and slowly push the medicine in for about ninety seconds. But there’s nothing fun about pain.

I’ll sign more paperwork, and then get either the drugs or the placebo. Even my oncologist won’t know. I’ve felt like the tumor may be shrinking on its own, and hope that when my doctor feels it, she feels the same. Size matters, but as my friend Leila wrote to me, it’s not so much the cancer we can feel, it’s the cancer we can’t feel and monitor that’s scary. But she said maybe we are meant to be the pioneers, the first women who become the lifelong thrivers, the chronic condition patients who, although always in treatment, are alive and living and getting to see grandchildren someday.

I’ll take it.

So today, I become the very first patient at the hospital in this trial. Phase two of the trial.

My second line of treatment.

Starting on the third, the third day after Easter.

I’m declaring remission by June.

I did it in five months the first time, I’ll do it in three months this time.

May it be so.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri