I went to school and taught in the morning. We have moved onto learning about penguins. This bird has wings but doesn’t fly. Imagine that. The kids loved learning that there is a penguin called the macaroni penguin and we all laughed and laughed. There will be lots of waddling in the next few days.
I also put Donnie cream all over my hands and feet because I lost the whole layer of skin on the bottom of my right foot. You know how people are obsessed with that pimple popper doctor? And there is a new show about feet doctors? I was like, these gross fetish people would pay money to see this, as I dealt with this side effect. The thoughts we have…
I wore white gloves yesterday so the cream wouldn’t get over anything.
The kids asked why I had on gloves, so I told them I had some dry hands and want to make them smooth, and I’m also a magician. I said I could make a room full of children quiet when I waved my hands… and proceeded to wiggle my fingers and they were so quiet watching me you could hear a pin drop. “See? It worked!” I also said they help me perform the magic trick of helping children learn to read, and besides, I like looking like Mary Poppins.
I left at lunch and rob and I drove in to the hospital. He has a cold now, so he wore a mask the whole time. We listened to the Oprah Winfrey podcast with Joel osteen. It reminded me to watch my words, and the power of “I am”. When I was first diagnosed I wrote “I am healed” on every morning update. I need to get back to that. He said our body hears our talk. “I am so fat”, “I cant lose weight”, “I just can’t keep the house clean”, “I never win”… all self fulfilling prophecy talk.
Oprah said every morning when she wakes up, she opens her eyes and says, “Thank you”. If that’s the only prayer you ever say, that’s enough.
Joel said it’s important to say your positive “I am” statement out loud, so the words come back into your ears and you HEAR the words.
Say what you want to be in five years.
“I am beautiful.
I am worthy of love.
I am strong.
I am blessed.
I am surrounded by those who only want me to succeed and want the best for me.
I am healthy.
I am successful at all I do.
I am grateful for my loving family and friends.
I am healed.
I am living my best life.”
It was good to hear on the way in.
I saw so many of my nurse friends and got lots of hugs. It makes it so much easier.
The port gave us some trouble but I started the cough and raising my arms and legs trick and it started the get blood return. The nurse was new to me and said I was a pro at knowing what to do.
We say my doctor and her nurse assistant and they were pleased with how I looked. She said my labs looked great and we discussed the plan should things go south again with this infusion. The tumor markers weren’t back and she said they could go up because it’s been five weeks without chemo. My heart sank, but I remembered Joel’s words in the car.
“I am healed”.
We went up for the infusion and I learned I can watch movies. I chose Dr Strange, a superhero who uses his mind and harnesses all of his powers that way. I figured it would be a good way to pass the time.
They pushed IV fluids for an hour, and some steroids. Then it was decided instead of one quick push of the Benadryl, it would be a slower drip. It still affected me the same, but not with one big hit.
We started the doxil drip after that, and although I felt like I had about six shots of vodka and had that drunk feeling, I had to stay awake. Rob put the frozen peas in ziploc bags on my feet and hands and covered them with socks, then gave me a frozen smoothie and spoon fed me ice to keep my mouth cold. He had to take it all off when I had to go to the bathroom and I had a nurse help me walk with the pole. I totally would have failed a sobriety test. Rob put it all back on again and we got blankets because I was shivering and freezing.
As much as I wanted to sleep, I knew in the long run it would help me with side effects and mouth sores, so i forced myself to stay awake and freeze. Jean came and sat with us and we talked about being proactive, and about the tumor markers.
One went up again.
But two dropped… when we were expecting a rise. So maybe those two are even lower.
The rest of my labs are fantastic.
I looked up more things to make me laugh on Instagram on the page called “TheCancer Patient”. Dark humor but when you get it, and live it… you have to laugh or else you cry.
We finished, packed up the peas and socks, got “deported” with my port, and grabbed dinner. I’ve been fasting, and we had a discussion about no warm food again. Salads, smoothies, juices… any warm dinners I’ll have to have go cold, and then eat. Suck on ice as keep hands and feet in ice.
“I am healed.
I am healthy.”
I’ll keep saying it.
We came home but I was out of it. I hate that the kids see me like that.
I’m up now since three a.m..
Steroids. Good times.
“I am sleepy.”
Today I’ll go to work, then Madison has her navy ball. I’m excited to see her all glammed up. She is a beautiful girl who makes no effort every day when she goes to school. No Makeup, glasses, sweatpants and sweatshirt, hair in a ponytail. I can’t wait to see her with her hair done and in her dress.
“I am grateful to be here to see this day, and can’t wait to see her at her wedding.”
“I am excited for my life and my future. My best days are ahead of me.”
Thank you, Joel.
I’ll try to get an hour or so more of sleep.
“I am sleepy”
“I am grateful”
“I am healthy”
“I am healed”
In Jesus’s name, amen.