It was a long day yesterday. I got up early, cleaned myself all up, got only best yoga pants and tank top, brushed out my wig and teased it up, fixed my eyebrows, and got ready for my 7 am inspection. The young doctor came in and his first words were, “Wow! You look good!” I had a good feeling after that.
Rob came early to back me up…
At ten the oncologist on call came and was a dream. She was my kind of doctor and said she wanted me to get another dose in the afternoon of steroids but i could go home that evening. HUZZAH!!
I had my last cold meal of tuna sandwich, prayed over my roommate one last time, and was wheeled out later that day.
We all crashed on the couch.
One would think i would have had the best night sleep ever, right?
Instead of vitals at 4:00 am…
We got a call from Quinn at 3:30 am.
His tent collapsed, he was scared, and he had to go sleep in a new tent.
Going back to sleep was easier in the hospital than after getting Quinn’s call.
Rob is already up and at camp help the troop break down and pack up. If anyone needs a vacation, it’s my husband.
It’s good to be home, but also unsettling.
I had a few panic attacks when I got home.
The worst first thing to be told is you have cancer.
The next worst thing to be told is it has spread and is fatal.
The next worst thing is to be told is treatment isn’t working and it is spreading.
I’ve heard all of those.
There is only one thing left to hear.
“We are out of options”.
And it’s pretty clear that after all of this, the fact we are still going to try to stick with a chemo that put me in the hospital with the worst side effects they’ve ever seen means we have to hold on tight to every single option so I dont hear the final horrible thing.
I have to work very hard to stay in each moment.
I have to work very hard to be grateful for every single thing.
My roommate helped me with that.
You see, she was an 83 old woman who cried and called out to Jesus all the time. She was also bedridden and her arthritis was so bad, she couldn’t move her arms. So she had to be fed. She had to have someone wipe her face and arms from crying so much. She couldn’t get up to use the bathroom. She didn’t have visitors all day and night so the tv was her friend. People kept suggesting I switch rooms.
God put me in that room for a reason.
It helped me stay grateful.
I had all of you.
I had my family coming and sitting with me.
I had my family taking care of my children.
For me to use the bathroom, I simply had to slowly stand up, unplug my IV pole from the wall, make sure my port tube wasn’t in danger of getting caught on anything, and roll right in.
I could feed myself, and even though it was all cold food, I was still allowed to eat solid food.
I couldn’t take hot showers, but I could use the packages of wipes and clean myself without needing help.
And her constant talking to Jesus?
Reminded me to keep my faith.
What if she was scared and in pain and couldn’t do anything and was calling out to Jesus at 3:00 am when nurses couldn’t get any blood out of her painful arms, she had a roommate who grumbled and was not nice? I would talk to her through our curtains when she would ask God why, and remind her it’s not for us to know why, but to know He is with us in this room. That He has plans for us. Good plans. And she is a testimony at 83 years old.
I prayed over her as I was wheeled out yesterday, and prayed for her at 3:30 am after Quinn’s call.
So keep Joyce in your prayers today.
Keep Quinn in your prayers. Today is the first day he gets to see me since Wednesday. We didn’t bring the kids to the hospital until I was in shape to see them. Which means he didn’t get to see me at all.
Keep my friend Karen in prayer as she continues to recover from hip surgery. I’m so lucky that the women I work with are like family. We get each other through some hard times, and last year? What a year. Let’s just say 2020 hasn’t been too good for us yet with the hospital. Here’s to a healing February.
I love that I can laugh with my friends, even when in so much pain. I sent them my picture of my thigh with my biopsy scar. It looks like a little asshole, and we laughed and laughed. Even little assholes can cause a world of pain. I’m including the picture so you can laugh too. Be kind about the dragon scales though. That’s a prayer that they go away and I don’t have scars on the outside from all of this… as we all know I’ll be scarred on the inside from this past week for a long time.
Keep rob in prayer. He has been holding it all together with my family. I just love him.
May today be a quiet and healing day.
In Jesus’s name, amen.