Love never dies…

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

No matter the pain, isn’t the love and friendship worth every tear, and the greater the tears, the greater the love?

I spent yesterday hugging and talking to someone I love who is mourning deeply. Even while mourning, there was laughter and smiles. To me, if those you love can find smiles in heartbreak when talking about your life, then your life was well lived.

It can be hard to find words to say when around others whose worlds feel like they are falling apart. Just being in the same space, catching the pieces as they fall apart, can sometimes be enough. It may take time to put the pieces back together, but when you love someone, you will stay and hold the falling pieces in your heart and arms as long as you have to. The pieces never go back together again the same way, but they eventually find a new spot to rest. The cracks remind you of how you used to be and pain you’ve felt, but the love is the glue that holds you back together and brings you back to shape.

I would rather be cracked, imperfect, and held together by love than smooth, polished, perfect, and alone.

Even when those we love transition out of their human form, they still send us love. Their memories become our glue. I believe their light and love stays with us. That’s how we are able to move on. If you are quiet, and sit with the pain, they sit with you in your heart.

Love never dies.

It may switch forms, but the light is always there.

Khalil Gibran was a Lebanese poet, and I found this writing.

May his words bring comfort…

“Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

By his gravestone, are these words…

“A word I want to see written on my grave: I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you”.

The field of kindness doesn’t die. Summon it.

Your strength is deeper than you know.

Today is the day before break, and we are all exhausted from all of the excitement that seems to come in February. It’s also been an emotional month for many.

I spent Valentine’s Day teaching, then driving back and forth picking up my kids, then to the clinic with rob and Morgan . They both have strep throat. Rob then headed back to work, I grabbed the kids a pizza, and we spent the night on the couch. Rob got home around 8:15 and went to bed while I stayed up taking pills and potions.

I kept saying, “I’ll be here next year for Valentine’s Day. This can’t be my last. We will celebrate with romance next year.”

But we all have been reminded that nothing is promised. So if you didn’t have the day you wanted yesterday, make today the day you want. And If that doesn’t happen, try again the next day.

If you are waking up… you get a do over. Make it count.

I also received word my insurance company has approved the PETMRI for the whole body to check the liver, bones, breast, and now neck. March 4 is so far away yet so close.

So now I will sit and wait, talk to all of my loved ones here on earth and those in my heart. I will summon kindness, and sit with the strength you all give to me, and we all give to each other.

May we all be the glue, the light and the love.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Signs, Wonders, Miracles and Storytelling

We have to tell our stories. I think that’s why so many use social media.

We want to stand up and be counted, be seen… and who doesn’t love a good story?

Storytelling has gone on for as long as time. It’s in our stories we find hope and faith.

I went to a women’s faith event yesterday. I went by myself, and met my friend Eileen and her daughter Johanna. The room was full of catholic women… with one priest and one male keyboardist. The love in the room was palpable. I met one woman and admitted I was a Lutheran. I felt a bit like an outsider, but that I felt called to go to this event when I received the invitation. Mother Mary has been calling to me, and it’s been confusing and hard. It’s been made very clear to me that we don’t pray to or worship Mary, that Jesus is the only one whom we give our prayers.

But Mary keeps pressing on my heart. I asked rob to teach me the Hail Mary one night, as I felt I had to learn it. The next day? Paula gave me a rosary and said she had gotten it a while ago and felt in her heart that it was time for me

to receive it. Dr Snuffleuffugus said out of the blue I should pray to Mary as well, which was odd considering he is a Buddhist.

I tell myself that it’s ok to love Mary, and ask her to pray for me as well, as I ask all of my friends to pray for me. Who better than Jesus’s mother? I mean, even God needed Mary in order to bring love down.

I heard a speaker tell her story yesterday, and she had quite a story. In 1988 she was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease and was told she would be blind. Her priest sent her to a Pentecostal healing event, and when she got there, the speaker asked “Who wants gold teeth?” She was questioning it all, and was like, “No gold teeth, just my eyesight, thank you very much…”. When she and her friends went back to their hotel room, they looked in each other’s mouths and laughed at how silly it all was. A few days later?

They all had three or four gold teeth appear in their mouths.

The woman said she was upset. “I asked for healing of my eyes, not for gold teeth!” She eventually spoke with a friend who was Jewish who told her that if he had gotten gold teeth from the creator of the universe, he would be on his face giving thanks.

She continued to pray for healing, and eight or so years later, she was at another event, got called up, was touched by the Holy Spirit, and went home. Her sight was fully restored to 20/20, and continues to have perfect sight to this day.

She now goes around telling her story.

If you think back to the Bible with Jesus and the healings he performed, people receive the miracles and then? They told the story. They gave their testimony and testified to what happened. The woman who bled for twelve years, she had heard the story of His healings, believed it could happen, expected to be healed if only she could touch His cloak, and when she did, Jesus told her that her faith had made her well.

She didn’t go home and keep it quiet. She told others, and they told others, and her story is still being told to this day.

Believe, expect, receive, then tell!

The wonderful thing is that Jesus will meet you where you are. He never asked in the Bible why you did what you did, or do things to make up for it before forgiveness comes. He is forgiveness. He takes you by the hand and you don’t look back, you move forward in love.

The speaker discussed signs and wonders and miracles. Some people get caught up in only looking for signs. If you travel on a road, you see signs everywhere, but they have a purpose. They point towards a destination. You don’t continue driving just looking for signs, you keep driving with a destination in mind. The signs just let you know you are on the right road.

Receive the signs and look towards God.

I went up to the speaker and told her my story. She asked if she could pray over me, and then called the priest and another woman. Three people.

They prayed fervently, and then even in tongues. The priest said at the end that whenever I feel scared, say out loud the word “Jesus”. Just saying His name out loud will bring power. The speaker said that sometimes the healing is happening even if the physical scans don’t show it yet, but she felt I was going to be ok.

It was some morning.

I came home and rob and I had a big talk about faith. He said that when people talk in tongues, it’s the language and presence of the Holy Spirit.

I then got some news about a dear friend that I spent the rest of the day praying and crying over. I’m not giving up on her. God put me in that meeting in the morning to remind me of miracles. I’m asking for miracles for me and my friend alycia.

When we get them, our testimony will be so great.

It already is.

We are healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Smiles and heartbreak

Today is Valentines Day. People will get cards and flowers and tokens of love. They’ll say “I love you” a little bit more than usual.

There are many people in my town who are grieving today. The loss of a life is always so hard. But this one seems harder.

A police officer.

A friend.

A son.

A husband.

A local.

Someone who lived up to his nickname….”Smiles”.

I’ve read in the past this particular saying that keeps coming to my mind.

“Grief is just love with no place to go.”

The amount of pain and grief is palpable in my town, on Facebook, in texts and phone calls.

It shows how loved he is.

Not was… but is.

The transition of life from here to heaven doesn’t stop the love.

Living with stage four cancer has cleared my vision. Things become cut and dry eventually in many aspects of life.

You see what’s important.

Who shows up.

Your circle becomes clear, and you appreciate those who decided to stay.


You love those people fiercely and deeply.

It doesn’t mean you don’t send love to everyone, but those in the circle feel it every day… not just on a holiday with red hearts and flowers.

Perhaps though, the holiday is a good reminder to love a little louder, a deeper, a little stronger, a little softer.

To not wait until it’s too late.

To hold those who show up a little closer, and focus on their love.

To be generous with your love and kindness everyday.

To remember a love you had, and know that love never dies. The physical form may be shed, but the light is eternal.

On this Valentine’s Day, I send you all love. Thank you for showing up here every day and sending me your love back.

I feel it… truly.

I love you.

May we all be healed.

May we all find peace.

May we all be surrounded in love.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

The Big Bag of Karma and handstands.

I went to the oncologist this week. There is a new lump in the neck, so a scan is being planned in three weeks. I also got multiple injections.

The next day?

I taught all day, and then went to yoga teacher training.

I was there until nine o’clock Friday. Then from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm yesterday. I’m heading back today for another full day.

I had a lot of enlightened moments, and wrote this today on my personal Facebook page.

I think it’s worthy of a blog post… so here it goes…

As a Christian who is going to yoga teacher training, but is also spending hours of research and also doing an online course in physics and energy work…

I was able to piece so much together yesterday.

Yoga teacher training this weekend has brought about a shift in me, and many others in the class. As a teacher, we plan out our lessons for our children, gather materials, and then do the lesson. Only after years and years of teaching do we feel confident to let go of the manuals and textbooks and programs and their rigidity and scripts and truly teach from the heart.

Friday night we were given a task to pick a three to five minute song and prepare a sequence to teach immediately to a small group, then to the whole class. I thought…”This is it. I’ve been feeling like a fake this whole time and now everyone will see.”

But then?

Everyone shined.

Even me.

Fake it till you make it, and in yoga, no matter what you do, if it’s right for you, it’s perfect.

The feelings carried over to yesterday, and there was whimsy and magic and laughter almost all day. I always end up crying sometime during the weekend, and yesterday it happened when my teacher Heidi assisted me as I did a ninety degree angle with my feet on the wall and my torso in a handstand position. As I was upside down, I was shocked I did it, I laughed, everyone clapped, and then I came down and hugged her knees and cried. I dried my face and did it again, alone, without an assist.

I even kicked up to a handstand with cathy. (We both giggled on the car ride home…”Can you BELIEVE we did HANDSTANDS???”)

We also spent a lot of time in the morning listening to dharma talks by each other on the yoga sutras. It’s like the ten commandments, but there are a lot more, and they move through loving kindness.

I chose sutra 1.23, “Ishvara Pranidhanat va”, or surrendering one’s self /ego completely to God. People say “Give it to God” as a tool for when hard times come to your life. But instead of a tool, make it a state of being. Surrender is not failure. Instead, it’s a release of all that does not serve you, and makes room for infinite love.

It’s hard, and takes time and practice to give up the ego, “self”. But when you do, it’s like trading your grain of sand and receiving the universe.

We also talked about staying in the moment. You can never get past the “now”, as “now” is always the moment you are in. It’s when we project the future we become mired in worry or fear. That’s how I was able to do almost ten hours of yoga the past two days, after getting multiple injections and an oncologists concerning look about a new lump in the neck. I stayed in the “now”, and realized had it not been for the cancer, I would not have met Paula or Heidi or attended this training or met these beautiful people

I am spending all of this time with learning and laughing.

We also discussed Karma. Many times people use it for evil people and evil thoughts. “They’ll get theirs”… “I cant wait until Karma hits them in the face.” Everyone has had these thoughts.

But people also use it on themselves…”Why is all of this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? I am a good person…”

This is where the Christian and energy researcher with a bit of Buddhist comes out in me.

Someone said at times they feel like they are carrying a big bag of Karma around, all the negative things that keep happening. Like it’s a penance, almost. As a Christian, I know God wants the best for me. As someone who knows Jesus is my savior and already cleansed me of all sin, Karma isn’t real. As an energy researcher, I’ve learned that nothing is solid, even us. We are all energy, and the speed of our molecules make our physical form. Nothing is real yet everything is real. As a Buddhism inquisitor, I’ve learned that non attachment to feelings brings a greater sense of peace.

Be a mountain.

Name the feeling or upsetting event, make it a cloud, and let it float away.

So as we discussed the big bag of Karma of bad things that have happened to us that we tend to carry around, I said we have another choice.

We can put down the bag.

Step away from the karma sack.

We can acknowledge that there are things that have happened, but don’t carry it. Instead, move forth and stop looking for all the negative things to add to the karma sack. Look for the blessings. Become a blessing and do good. See the light in others and make it brighter. Will bad things still happen? Probably. When they do, bring it to the bag, place it in, you may even sit with the bag for a moment or two, but then keep going.

As you look for the good, do more good and spread more love, you will raise your energy vibration.

High vibrations attract positive emotions and actions and results.

Remember that saying, “Who do you think you are?”

It’s often said in a negative tone.

Remove the tone and ask yourself.

“Who are you? Who do you want to be?”


Just be.

Eventually, the “Karma bag” gets smaller and smaller if you choose to be light. As you surrender to the lightness, more light comes in. Then?

You become the light.

Pretty deep, right?

I guess standing on my hand and seeing the world upside down can change perspective.

When I told the class I dreamed of a baby and was so happy, I realized that babies always make people smile. They gravitate towards babies.

Perhaps it’s because they were just with God, and are still full of his light and love. Innocent.

We all started that way. Then life happened and in many cases our light is dimmed. But when we see a baby?

Our inner light sees and remembers the love of the higher power, universe, source… or as I believe…


We hold the baby and deep inside, our light remembers.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night, and have been in a detox bath since 4:15 am. No baby dreams. Just itchy skin, hot flashes and jaw/mouth/ear/neck pain.

But I choose to not ask…”Why me? Haven’t I enough to deal with?”

Instead, I’m up sharing in hopes that the light in you may shine a little brighter today after reading this, and in turn my light will shine even brighter as well.

I’ll be praying on my mat today. I received a letter yesterday in the mail from a woman who is looking for help. If I told you how many people ask me for advice or help or guidance in a day, your head would spin.

I dont really help anyone.

I reply, but I think instead of wanting me to tell them what I did, they want something else.

The light.

I think instead, they see how I’ve managed to put down the karma bag and walk free, with light and peace and stillness and love and laughter.

To be in the now.

To know that they are not alone.

That that we are never alone.

And perhaps, knowing that someone sees them, knows what they feel, and still manages to live life…

Perhaps that will help them put down their heavy load, if even for a moment.

Moment by moment…in the now…

That’s how we sometimes need to be.

Let go, let God.

See the light, be the light.

God is within.

We all have the light.

We are all one.

May we all raise our energy vibration,

Ask yourself, “Who do you think you are? Who do you want to be?”

Then be that person.

I know who I am.

I am free.

I am learning to be the light.

I am the daughter of a king, a child of God, a mountain who cannot let clouds cover my light.

I am love.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Which Street Will You Live On?

It’s finally February. January felt like an entire year. I’ve got an oncology appointment this week along with shots. It was nice to not have to go back for a few weeks, but also nerve wracking as this is a new treatment plan and the last appointment was left with…”Your lymph node may be growing…let’s check it again next appointment.”

I am reading a new book, “How to Starve Cancer”. It’s by Jane MacLellan and she discusses using off label repurposed medications, as well as the ketogenic diet. It’s something I’m considering now, as eating anything has become a test of the mind. Will this feed the cancer or starve it? It’s a hard way to live.

I posted on my Facebook today something that I wanted to share.

I hope it helps others.

Here it goes…

“I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. She is in so much pain, and I love her so much. I thought about her all night. Everyone has pain, and some are masters at keeping their lives together on the outside while on the inside?

It’s hard to keep breathing.

Anger can make you feel like you’re going to die.

When you get angry, it’s actually a different emotion.


All anger stems from hurt.

So when we get hurt by someone, it’s like a grenade goes off when it’s thrown at us, usually by someone we love or trust, but sometimes by strangers.

We feel like our life has exploded, and there is damage everywhere.

Of course we are angry/hurt at the person who threw the bomb at us.

But then there are all the other people around you. Some see your situation and rush to help. Some of those people you don’t even know, but they show up and see you.

Then there are the people around you who continue on as if nothing has happened. They don’t acknowledge that your world has just been blown up, that you are hurt, that you are trying to breathe. “Let’s just move on, shall we? Talking about it won’t help anything, what’s done is done. Carry on!”

That when you have a choice.

As you stand there in the devastation…

do you keep screaming, “Look at me ,

Damnit! At least acknowledge what has happened!”

Or do you take the hands of the people who reach out to you and say,”I see you. Come with me. I’ve got warm blankets and hugs and will listen to your heart and I will hold you when you cry… until the sun shines again, because it will.”

If you take the hand of those who see you and go to another street where it’s peaceful and calm, you may find yourself suddenly dropped back on the old street. The hurt and anger and disbelief at being invisible will come rushing back, but now you know…

There is place where you can go. You can tell yourself, “I choose who matters to me. Make it the people who see me and understand me and acknowledge my pain.”

It’s human nature to go back again and again because you question yourself…”Is it possible that these

People just don’t see me? They just don’t care about my hurt?”


It’s possible.

And eventually you accept it, and refocus on the people who do see you, and offer you hugs and warm blankets and shoulders to cry on.

You may go back to that place again and again… and you wonder when you will stop going back.

You don’t go back there until you don’t.

Eventually the hurt fades, and you realize that those people are still in that place where the grenade went off, walking around pretending to not see the truth…. and you are somewhere else, surrounded by peace.

It takes time.

The hurt will fade.

Don’t judge yourself when you find yourself back on the old street. Perhaps you need more lessons to learn about yourself, and eventually, you learn them.

You also learn that your feelings are your feelings, no one can tell you to let it go.

That’s the trick.

Don’t let it go.

Sit with it, and then?

Let it be.

You can’t rush your healing, dear heart.

Eventually you’ll stop looking at the faces of those who look right through your pain, and instead look into the eyes of those who see you right back.

It will happen.

I was going to send this privately, but realized we are all more alike and others may need to hear this.

So here you go.

And know this…

I see you.

I’ve got warm tea and blankets and hugs and a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold and prayers for peace.

I see you.

You can’t rush your healing.

Let it be.

You’ve got time, and time is such a wonderful gift.

I love you, friend…❤️

In Jesus’s name, amen.”



“A Caring Friend”

I’m going to be clear here about something….especially for Bible people who send anonymous messages and have others send messages to stage four cancer patients about yoga.

Yoga means to yoke or Union.

Unless you are in my brain, you don’t know who I am joining myself to. It isn’t a religion, it’s a philosophy.

It now has scientific studies to help cancer patients.

Science is also finally catching up to what the ancient yogis knew-that nothing is solid and everything is moving.


It’s also breath-work. I’ve had it work when I’ve had to have my blood pressure taken over because it was high. I’ve used the techniques I’ve learned and it lowered.

So please.

All you bible twisters who use it to scare people, especially stage four cancer patients just trying to find ways to get through the day…


Stop using the Bible as a weapon of fear.

Stop judging and “being a good Christian” and maybe read up on what you are twisting.

I know my God.

I know my Jesus.

So stop.

You see…

My ear hurts, I didn’t sleep, and I got another message yesterday on my blog from someone hiding behind the moniker “a caring friend”. My lymph node hurts and my armpit is itchy.

I got another message this week that some people should be blocked because apparently they are judging me, talking about me with friends, and Facebook.

I opened myself up on here to control the rumor mill beast, and maybe also help a person or two.

Some days I really regret it.

Other days I get messages or comments from people thanking me for helping them, or find new research that gives hope.

I’m on a see saw while playing whack a mole over a graveyard.

So I’m throwing this out there.

Don’t unfollow me.

Defriend me please.

Don’t judge me or discuss me.

Maybe look at your own life and see what you should do to change, maybe become someone who doesn’t judge a woman with a terminal illness trying to stay alive.

Don’t tell me yoga will anger God and imply I wont get into heaven, or have my prayers to be healed heard. Keep your scary twisty versions to yourself, thank you very much.

That’s it.

I’m posting this to my blog as well, because yesterday I got a twisted ignorant message.

I’ll pray you, “a caring friend”.


THAT is what a good Christian does.

May my ear stop hurting, my lymph clear up, and all cancer be gone.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Dharma Talk

In Yoga Teacher Training, each of us had to give a Dharma Talk. We were to weave some of the yoga principals into a talk that was personal to us. I chose the theme of “Surrender”. This was my talk….

“Surrender, Clouds, Leave it on the Mat but take it all with you”Niyama (personal Observance)

I chose Isvara pranidhani because the past two years I have been learning to surrender to God. I’m still working on that, as I still want what I want….Complete healing from breast cancer, and forty more years to watch my children grow up.

When I was first diagosed, I was graspng, in a state of panic. Eat organic? Give me all the kale. Do the Gerson therapy? Bring me to the Giving Room for all the juices. Fasting? I wont eat for days if I have to. Exercise? I’ll get a rebounder and do yoga and qi gong, and walk a 5k. I was doing everything…and what I needed most to do was nothing.

Be still and breathe.

The cancer diagnosis was a huge cloud that made it hard for me to see. I went to a meditation class and the teacher explained we are mountains, and everything else is clouds. Notice the cloud, name it for what it is…fear, anxiety, anger, sadness…then let it float away. Just let it be, and be. I prayed and truly learned what “Thy will be done” really means…

Isvara pranidhani.

Isvara pranidhani-Celebration of the spiritual-“Lay all your actions at the feet of God” It is the contemplation on God “Isvara”, in order to become attuned to God and God’s Will. Ishvara pranidhana focuses not on ego but on the sacred ground of being, it reunites us with our true Self. As Indian yoga master B. K. S. Iyengar states in his Light on the Yoga Sutras, “Through surrender the aspirant’s ego is effaced, and…grace…pours down upon him like a torrential rain.”

Ishvara pranidhana provides a pathway through the obstacles of our ego …the clouds we try desperately to blow away….and it sends us toward our divine nature—grace, peace, unconditional love, clarity, and freedom.

As humans, we carry with us an expectation of something in return for our dedication. I ate the kale, I drank the juice, I did the yoga, I breathed, I forgave…Why do I still have cancer? But it is not for me to know the answer to my why’s, for the act or surrender to the why’s is what will me wise.

Yet I still I want results. So I come to my yoga mat and breathe. I want peace and joy and love. I want to be a better human being. I want to be healed. How many of us can say we would keep returning to the cushion or mat if we hadn’t at least once felt our bodies opening and our hearts responding? We find peace and surrender at our mat, and faith that as we surrender, so shall we be saved.

I believe it is this unshakable faith and devotion that ishvara pranidhana, the final of the five Niyamas, wants us to cultivate. It can be translated as “devoting oneself entirely to the Divine,” and Patanjali mentions it more than any other Yama or Niyama.

The gentle voice in the Yoga Sutras that began with ahimsa, saying—Let go of who you think you are, and become who you truly are—becomes a roar.

We have to surrender from the “I” and return to love.

Because love is all there is.

When we surrender we see through the eyes of love, we start to accept life in its crazy, beautiful entirety, and in doing so we free ourselves up to do what makes our heart sing. We begin to let the divine spark inside us express itself. Life becomes an adventure.

But the challenge is we have to trust the outcome. When we are fully surrendering, we have no expectations.

I am not looking for peace. I am peace.

I am not looking to be made perfect. I am perfect.

I am not looking to be healed. I am healed.

I am not looking to be made whole. I am whole.

I am not looking for love. I am love.

I practice yoga for the love of yoga, not because I want to be a better person or think yoga is necessary. I practice yoga so I can live in the present, and become wholly open to what is, and devoted to love for love’s sake.

It’s difficult to surrender when times are hard, clouds cover you in your mountain, and it becomes so dark. Yet I have learned things in the dark that I could have never learned in the light. Things that saved my life over and over again. There is only one logical conclusion…I need the dark as much as I need the light. Healing is a process, it ebbs and flows, like the phases of the moon. “All in all, the moon is a truer reflection for my soul than the sun that looks the same way every day. “_Barbara Brown Taylor.

So I will continue to dance under the moon in the dark, surrendering to the push and pull on my soul. When you surrender and let go…love flows gently in. I am learning to leave all of my ego and expectations on the mat, and take all of the love I get in return with me when I leave.

May it be so.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.