Inward… Onward.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post.

I’m still here.

I’m stepping away to heal.

Here is my Facebook post I wrote to my friends.

It explains it all.

““Going Inward”

This is going to be my last morning post for a while. You’ll see pictures from my life and articles shared, but I’m not going to post every morning about cancer anymore.

Let me explain.

I went to Madame Swoosh yesterday.

As we left town, I began to listen to a meditation Alycia sent me. The moment I pressed play, the phone rang. It was Maryne, Madame Swoosh’s daughter making sure I was coming. As I listened to the meditation, i cried. I became filled with such gratitude to God for allowing me to come to this world and live this life with the blessings He has given me. I thanked Him for Rob, my children, my mom and dad and siblings, friends. I looked at the sky and the trees and just cried at how beautiful this world can be, even when it’s so very hard.

We arrived and hugged and kissed and began.

We discussed some things as we began that I didn’t understand the last time. Clarified things. I’m someone who wants everyone to like me, and when I feel energy coming off of people that I take as negative, it affects me. She said people have the right to not like others. But we also have to accept it and not let it take away our own energy. When people upset you, so what? Move on.

We also discussed how obsessed I’ve become with food. Will it heal me? Hurt me? Will I eat today? If I eat something that has sugar, the guilt has been horrible. That guilt is worse than the sugar. Live life. Now, don’t go eating everything in sight, but make smart choices and when you have an occasional indulgence, enjoy it.

Then she started swooshing.

She spent a lot of time on my breast and armpit. But then?

She went to my upper abdomen and worked and worked. I became scared. The oncologist said that the cancer I have is tricky and sneaky, and likes to go to organs like the stomach. I’ve been having pain in my abdomen. She said she saw a problem.

She said I need to put all of my focus on my gut. But for a different reason that I thought. She said that she can feel that I know things. Things come to me and I just know things…. but then my head questions and I cut the feeling my gut tells me because the head says it doesn’t seem possible.


She worked on my head a lot, and had me turn over. As she worked down toward my sacrum, she said to prepare myself and she was going to do something that hurt. She did it twice.

Then she explained why she did what she did and it made total sense.

She finished and it was time to debrief.

She was very serious, and talked so fast her daughter had a hard time translating everything. She even became very stern.

I asked if the cancer was still there, and she gave me the look. She said i know things and to trust my gut. I still feel it inside of me, and said she still felt it without any hesitation. I asked if it spread, and she said no without any hesitation.

She said she feels it’s all I think about it, and as hard as it is, I have to stop. I told her I’ve felt whispers in my soul about a cancer matrix. How I’m living in the cancer matrix and need to rise above this level of living, if that makes sense. She and her daughter became very animated and said that was exactly it. That once I do that, I will be “very big lady”, so tall.

She said I keep fighting it. I need to accept it. It’s a part of me. It’s my story. I said it has been feeling like I need to just be with it, be still, learn from it, walk along and listen. She said yes.

And once I do… it will go.

She said only then I will be cured.

She said cured.

But I have so much work to do.

We discussed Oregon.

She referenced my gut again. She said I already know if I should go. It is so expensive. That’s been in my head. But my gut says I need to go. I had the benefit last year and know that we haven’t touched the money because it was meant for this moment in time. She said I will go and know immediately if it is part of my story.

She said again I have to accept the cancer, then?

Forget about it. That there will be people who will come again and again and say they have things that are expensive and will help me, but to remember, I am the cure.

It is inside of me.

And I flashed to the moment in the car on the ride in. I got it.

God is everywhere. He made every single cell in my body. His hands formed me, and His spirit and light is in me. I just need to use it.

My head just said not to write that, because people will say I have a God complex now. But that’s not what I mean.

I need to trust in Him and heal, but by being still when making decisions and listening to my gut. My God whispers. Not my head or outside world, worrying about what others think. I need to make whatever decision comes by listening to the answer that comes first and being still. Than I need to move on and stop second guessing. I cant do that when I’m thinking about it all the time.

Madame told me that she had cancer in the exact same place at age 33 and doctors gave her six months to live. She went to Sedona with the woman whose son she helped last week for her seventieth birthday. She said she lived her life after she was told the six month prognosis and just went “swoosh”. My dad also said he acted like every cancer he got was just a cold.

She said she knows it’s so hard, but kept saying how important it was.

I sobbed like a baby in her arms.

She held me and kept rubbing my back and I knew she was feeling my energy. Her daughter said it was good, let it go.

They spoke with rob and he said again how he just knows I’m going to beat it.

She said she does too.

She believes.

But I have to believe as well.

I thanked her for helping friends I have sent and am sending to her. She said she is squeezing more in before she goes back to France this week. She will be back again in the fall.

When I hug her and her daughter, I feel so much love. I’ll miss them.

We left, and I was exhausted.

I missed a baby shower, but the healing and solitude after this was needed. So much was said and I still don’t think I caught all of it.

I was Drained, but I know the shower I missed will forgive me because she knows what I’m talking about.

I sent messages to people that I knew I had to send messages to. They came to me fast and furious yesterday so I listened to my gut instead of my head saying people will think I’m crazy and sent the messages.

I received affirmation that the messages were received, and I’m not crazy.

I know what I have to do.

I am going to Oregon. Will I follow their protocol? I dont know. It depends on what my gut tells me.

But first I will do the PETMRI and accept whatever the results are.

It’s my story.

A story that’s already been written.

In the meantime, I will be still, meditate, pray, listen. I will add walking and yoga. I will continue to eat organic because the chemicals and pesticides will kill you. I’ll also have an occasional indulgence because life is for living.

I will begin each day not with writing about cancer, but by thanking God for my life, asking Jesus for whatever I need, and listening the Holy Spirit inside of me.

The Trinity.

I’ll send love to everyone.

I’ll check my messages but then?

I’ll live my life.

I’ll still post pictures, but I will put Keri first.

For too long I’ve put my illness above me.

Cancer came first.

Not anymore.

I kept looking for the answers outside of myself, when I’ve had the answer all along.

Just like Dorothy clicking the red shoes.

Starting now, I live my life.

MY life, not the life that I think the cancer has given me, but the life given to me by God.

Cancer can steal all of your power and light and life and faith if you let it.

No more.

Even as it lives inside of me, it’s a part of me. I need to send love to me. All parts of me. If we don’t love ourselves, how can we fully love others?

Jesus said to love one another, but we need to be compassionate to ourselves as well. We need to know we are worth it. We have been loved since before we were born. Once we stop doubting ourselves, start believing in ourselves that we are worthy, we stop worrying about what others think.

I’m no longer going outward for validation and opinions.

I’m going inward.

My faith is strong.

My light shines bright.

I’m free to live.

It’s a beautiful life.

In Jesus’s name, amen.”



You are the Star


It’s been a while.

I’m in a trial study now. Things are status quo with injections, praying, healing modalities, nutrition.

I’ve been absent from the blog, but still writing to my Facebook friends. I realized of the followers here may be concerned, so here is my update from this weekend.

“You are the Star”


Rob and I walked into the basement and saw Madame Voila Swoosh and her daughter, Maryne. I quickly filled them in on how the appendix was completely healed after I saw them last, but the cancer woke up again after the surgery.

Then I got on the table and she began to rapidly swoosh her fingers all around my body.

She asked if I was in pain when she was near my breast and arm, and asked if they were going to do surgery. She asked if I was scared. I said yes, a little.

She asked if I was angry. I said I just had love, as anger feeds the cells.

She asked if i slept well, and when I said no, and told her it was because of hot flashes and a nine year old boy, she knew why the nine year old boy was sleeping with me.

She asked if I got pleasure when I ate. I replied some, as I dont eat anything that used to give me pleasure and I have no sugar.

Then she said she felt there was a big difference in my thinking and my living.

She said my head says one thing but she feels something different in my body.

She said I have permission to feel sad, and I need to let it out.

That’s when I began to release and cry.

I told her I stay strong all the time for my husband, my children, my students, my parents, my family. She said she feels all the pain, physical and emotional, and that I said I was so sad it came back.

She said don’t fight the pain. Allow it to go where it wants to go. It’s the energy and to not fight it. It’s very important.

She said, “You are the Star.”

She said I was the main person and need to take care of myself.

As I cried more, suddenly she said she felt the energy moving better already and it was flowing to where it needed to be.

She asked how long I would be on the trial.

Then she worked for a long time on my head. I became scared again that she felt cancer there, but instead she gave me extra energy because she sensed my lithium energy was low, which caused the sadness, and she was “giving me the sun”.

When she finished she said I need to look at this all another way. The trial is something else for me to do. The situation is complicated and hard, but nothing is lost.

Everything is possible.

Just feel your emotions. The energy has to travel. She looked at rob and asked how he treated me.

I said he was wonderful.

She said of course, because I am wonderful and deserve to be surrounded by wonderful people.

She said I am going to be ok.

But she wants me back in three or four weeks so she can add extra energy again and reinforce the work she did.

Then we hugged and kissed and said we love each other.

I also told her I call her Madame voila swoosh. She said I can give her name.

She is called…”Healing Odile”.

Odile B.

I am sending a dear friend today to see her. She is wonderful too.

We went to get Maddie at her track meet and then came home . I quick took my herbs and went to the Giving Room for the breathwork class.

Somehow, God put these two events on the same day for a reason.

At first I thought it was just going to be about breathing through anxiety.

Man, was I wrong.

The teacher, Ashley, had us all warm up then lay down and cover with blankets. Paula gave me an eye pillow. We had to breathe with our mouths open and make noise breathing in and breathing out. I felt uncomfortable at first. I knew some people in the room and couldn’t let go. Ashley and her assistant would come around and bend down and breathe hard and loud into our ear as well as push on certain parts of our body. At first I thought it was because I was breathing wrong.

Then it changed.

Every time they came and breathed with me, I felt more aware and powerful as we breathed new unison. The music got louder, the breathing got louder in the room, the tempo picked up, and Ashley kept telling us to allow ourselves to go deeper. I heard someone crying and then it happened.

I released.

I found myself sobbing and letting go all of the anger I had about the cancer, about my husband having a with a wife with this illness, the sadness and fear that my children have in them and I can sense, the worry my parents have, my family and friends…

I cried for me.

Then I cried some more.

I’m crying now as i write, and it’s ok.

Because it’s okay to cry.

It helps the energy go and leave so more healing can come.

Then my body began to vibrate. My eye and throat pulse point began to vibrate. I felt like a hummingbird it was going so fast. Then I actually felt every cell in my body. My legs were shaking as were my arms and hands.

It sounds crazy, but I felt like a superhero would when gathering energy up.

I imagined a white ball of light or fire in my hands and I held one hand over my breast and one up to heaven to connect with God.

I couldnt stop the tingling and vibrating and crying, even when we were told to stop.

When I finally removed the eye pillow, I couldnt see. All i saw was white light,

And it took a while to focus.

I got up and was shaky and went to the bathroom to check myself. I had mascara all over my face.

Healing ain’t pretty.

When I came out, paula checked on me and was concerned. I had her hold her palms up and feel my hands. I think she felt it still.

We all shared what happened and I wasn’t too far off from other people’s experience. One girl said she felt Jesus. She knows me and thanked me for bringing Him with me. I said He is always with us.

Then I did a wheat grass shot and came home.

I’m exhausted.

I’m going to church then to food shopping, then to the giving room for another breathwork class.

Ashley said it’s not called “breath spa”,

It’s “breath work”, and it was.

May and June are crazy months as a teacher and a parent. When I wasn’t dealing with cancer I wanted to cry.

But now?

If you see me and I’m crying, it’s because I’m allowed to cry. I’m moving my energy and healing.

Our society needs to tell boys and men they can cry. Why are so many people angry? Because they aren’t allowed to feel, and then it causes blockage, which causes disease.

Today I’m praying for my friend who is seeing Odile. I’ll call her Madame Voila Swoosh in my head still. I’ll work on moving my energy so when I go back to her in four weeks like she asked, she says, “Cherie, bon! C’est magnifique!

Voila! “

I’m praying for more healing in this class today.

Radical remission is my goal.

May I achieve it with grace and kindness and love, and more laughter than tears.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Allergy Shots

“Allergy Shots”

Good morning.

Its been nice having a break and not feeling the pressure to write every day. Today is a day I need prayers, so I am writing.

I’ve been playing a game in my head this past week. You see, my breast, side, armpit, shoulder, arm and lower back are all hurting.

All the time.

Usually that’s not good.

It’s like I have all these little fires going on that I’m tying to put out, in my body, in my mind, and trying to teach and be a mom and wife.

So the game I’m playing is “Turn that stinking thinking around”, and pretending that the pain is from the cancer cells breaking away from the tumors and trying to find a way out.

Quinn has also been in my bed still. He climbed onto my lap in the car yesterday before school and asked me to just hold him. His belly hurt again.

He ended up going home and spending the day on nanny’s couch.

I had a talk with the girls and asked them to try and play even more with him, as he is only nine and doesn’t know how to get his feelings out.

They agreed and were sweet with him.

I have to go to the hospital today.

That always seems to trigger his belly aches.

Today I have more vials and vials of blood taken, see the oncologist, have two nurses simultaneously inject the very painful shots into my muscles right above my ass, and for extra fun, they want me to have an EKG because you know…. the medicine that’s supposed to prolong my life can cause heart damage.

I’ll check my white blood cell count and hopefully be able to tell if I’m in the placebo group or chemo group.

I truly have no clue.

Some days I can stand and do things until 6:30 or 7 pm and then I turn into a frog and lay on a log and try not to croak… and other days I come Home and head straight to the log by 4.

Today I’m playing a new game.

The anticipation of these needles can make a girl crazy, so I’ve decided to call them “allergy shots”.

I mean, I AM allergic to cancer.

The moment as they count down to injection feels like forever… then the time the needles are in feels like forever times three.

But I’m playing to win, and I’ll keep doing whatever I have to do.

I know it’s not if you win or lose but how you play the game, but man, I really hope I get to play this painful game for many years to come.

I’m also hoping that somehow all of these appointments and procedures which begin at two o’clock go quickly.

Quinn worked so hard on a science project and tonight is the fair.

Morgan also has a dance.

I’m praying I can gingerly get to the fair tonight with Quinn and help Morgan do her hair.

I’m teaching all morning, and that will help me keep my mind off of the allergy shots.

Taking the break from writing also helped me disconnect from Facebook a bit, and I realized how much people use it as a tool to hurt others.

Sometimes when you step back you see a bigger picture.

Be nice.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…send good thoughts instead and be thankful you’re not playing the games I am.

My friend Alycia is also starting a new round of therapy today. Please hold her in your prayers as well.

My other friend Megan is doing well, as is Leila.

If a girl has to be dropped into the arena for the games, I’ve got some amazing teammates.

Today may my doctor feel my breast and say the tumors are softer and smaller, the pain is a good thing, my heart is strong, the needles are quick, and I get to live my long life.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Don’t be a Raisin, be a Grape.

“Don’t be a Raisin… Be a Grape.”

I spent the day yesterday in an energy workshop. Through all of my research, I’ve learned that there are multiple ways of healing…traditional medicine, emotional, spiritual, nutritional, and energetic. This post is going to be long, but you’re going to learn a lot. Get a cup of coffee and get ready…

Before I start, I’m going to acknowledge that some Christians are very uncomfortable with some of this talk. Dharma, chakras, spirit… I believe that Jesus is my ultimate healer. When they talked about spirit, I thought of the Holy spirit. It was all based on love and light, and the Bible is a living breathing story about how we are supposed to be stewards of love and light.


So I was comfortable there.

One of the first exercises we did was resetting our energy channels. Everyone may have heard about your chakras. When energy gets stuck in one of the chakras, dis-ease builds up. They say when women have pain or feel hurt or give too much and don’t care for themselves, it hurts their heart. What is over their heart?


Breast cancer grew over my left breast.

The teacher showed us our meridians and where our chakras were, and then how to clear them. We were shown how to go in a counterclockwise movement and pull out bad energy and throw it to the earth, then close the chakra in a clockwise motion. We reset at night when we sleep, but this is a great way to clear yourself of bad energy whenever you need it. Maybe you had a bad day at work. When you get outside, reset.

It hit me when she started demonstrating and swooshing over her body…I had this done before.

Madame Voila Swooosh, in the basement before the appendix surgery. She was so intuitive to reading energy, she knew exactly where there were tumors without me telling her, feelings that I had that were hurting me, warned me about trying to help others by taking their pain and in turn hurting myself with the burden, and how connected to God I had become. Yesterday’s teacher said that we can do it whenever we want, and how even better it is to do it outside.

Lots of connection to nature and trees and water and sky and fire.

Then we learned about our own energy field. Our energy goes one arm length all around our body. I learned about the eight and ninth chakras as well. When we are outside we can push our energy and it goes a little further. We learned about how to pull it down over us and protect ourselves, as well as how to enclose someone else in it.

(Always with permission…

Or else that’s sorcery and a whole different issue and intention. Intention is everything.)

We practiced on partners and my partner told me that when she was in my protective bubble, something changed.

She felt white light and warmth and safe, and she also felt when I lifted it off of her. When she placed me in hers, it felt similar, but not as strong as she described to me. It was pretty amazing.

We switched partners again and practiced feeling feelings, then touching our partner on the shoulder.

The three feelings were…

“I want to help you. How can I help you?”

“I’m so sad for you. It’s so horrible.

I’m so so so sorry.”

“How can I be of service?”

I was “touched” first, and the help touch was warm.

The sad and pity touch made everything feel sad and dark, and the service touch felt like white light.

When it was my time to touch, my partner realized I didnt really do the pity touch and understood.

You see, when I was diagnosed, the pity and sad looks crushed me.


I kept telling people to stop saying they were sorry. Even yesterday, after spending all day trying to protect my energy, I ran into someone I haven’t seen since the diagnosis. She meant well, but started tearing up and said how sorry she was and was so sad for me. I felt the darkness and sadness coming and quick brought down my bubble of light. You all know it and feel it. When you are around angry people, you become angry. Look at our society.

The angry mob affect.

Then go to church.

The peace affect.

That’s all energy.

Then we switched and did another powerful exercise. I’m glad I had paula as my partner for that one. We learned how to disrupt someone’s energy flow in their body. It was wild. I’m not telling you how to do it, but it’s scientifically and energetically possible. Some say it’s witchcraft-like. Magic. If you use it for evil, yes.

But it was important to learn how to build up the strength back. And you were definitely stronger when you finished getting energy and meridians fortified.

The last exercise was resetting our fight or flight mechanism.

We as a society are in an almost constant panic mode. The news, jobs, stress. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. Fight or flight was meant for us to know how to outrun danger. In nature, a gazelle will be chased by a cheetah,

and bound across the water.

The cheetah doesn’t like water so it stops the chase and paces across the riverbank. The gazelle will shake violently for a moment, essentially shaking off the fear, then calmly graze in the meadow at the rivers edge while the cheetah still paces in its view.

The danger may still be in sight, but not a danger in the moment.


We have the news and technology and even jobs getting us into constant fight or flight.

Even in school, lockdowns, intruder drills, walkouts. The safe space has been taken from our children.

When we unplug and go to the beach or the woods, our body resets and gets calmer.

Scientific fact.

Yesterday I learned how to reset a heart to the state of calm. I’ve been given permission to practice on others. It’s actually quite lovely.

When it was done to me, I didn’t even realize my partner had lifted her hands off of me.

I sat with the teacher during the lunch break and showed her a book my mom had given me. She said she wanted to talk to me.

She said that when I told her the night before that I wanted to get rid of the tumors when I prayed and put the stick into the fire, I needed to learn something first.

The tumors came to teach.

What was not right in my life?

I told her I knew that, and have become a very different person than I was two years ago. I told her about the first oncologist and how I remember floating out of my body, hearing a whizzing and my whole energy field was vibrating hard. I remembered I left and started to float above my body, then realized my mom and dad behind me and saw Robs shocked face next to me. I said to myself I had to go back into my body and show them that the story the doctor just told wasn’t going to be my story. The teacher said that my out of body moment was a beautiful gift my mind and soul gave me. I was able to leave my body when it was being given a death sentence, and then come back with a new downloaded story. A story where I told myself the things the doctor was telling me wasn’t my story, and mine was going to be different.

And it was a gift.

The teacher shocked me next.

She said some people call what she does Witchery or sorcery, those who don’t understand it.

But some doctors?

They practice white coat witchcraft. People will feel perfectly healthy walking into an appointment, have a few words spoken over them…then walk out feeling sick, and become sicker.

It’s true.

I’ve seen it.

That’s why some people are told they have stage four cancer when they feel healthy and then suddenly become sicker and sicker and go home to die… and some people are told they have stage four and say…”That’s not my story.

I dont like the story you are writing about my life.

I’m throwing it out.”

I told the teacher about the mouse dream I had before I was told the cancer was awake again. The mice in the snow cave wall waking up and moving and digging. I knew that meant it was awake, and when the PET scan came back a month later, I wasn’t surprised. She said that I was right, but also said that mice and rats are amazing. They can get into tiny little spaces and when they do, they dig and scratch and claw out all the crap. If you ever look at the space where mice live,

It’s neat and is clean. The mice were white in my dream.

White blood cells.

The mice were working and clawing out the cancer cells. I told her how I had tried to learn to accept that my oncologist said the tumors may stay there and never disappear. She said that’s “stinking thinking”, and I was buying into the oncological story for me, the map doctors had for my life. Throw that out.

Maybe it came back because I needed to keep digging to see what I had to fix even more in my life, and then rid myself of all the tumors and circulating stem cancer cells, then live a long life.

That’s the story I’m writing.

So why did I name this post “Don’t be a Raisin, be a grape?”

She explained to us how important it is to drink water. The only difference between a Raisin and a grape is hydration.

If you’ve ever tried to put a grape into a fork, it’s hard. You try to stick it, but it rolls around.

A raisin however, is easy.

You can stick a fork into it easily, bend it in half, mold it however you want.

That’s how energy affects us.

When we fill our bodies with water, we feel better and are healthier. I’m going to add that when we fill our souls with faith and joy and love and light, nothing can penetrate us.

Don’t be a raisin.

Be a grape.

We ended with the teacher telling us that the moment we think we can help someone with a specific issue, back away.

That’s not our job.

Back up, and instead of trying to fix the thing that needs fixing, just send out love and light everywhere and to everything.

Isn’t that perfect?

Isn’t that what the Bible tells us our one job is while here on earth?

Love one another.

It’s not your job to judge, that’s your ego.

Just… be… love.

Be the vessel and allow His light and love to shine through you.

Totally empty yourself to Him, so He can fill you up so much with His light and love that there is no room for anything else.

I’m exhausted, as are the kids. We are going to stay home today and pray over a quiet breakfast. I need to rest and refill myself… then maybe take off my shoes and hug a tree.

And drink lots of water.

Today…Don’t be a raisin, all shriveled up, dark, easily squeezed.

Be a big, plump, juicy, bright grape, impenetrable to anyone trying to pierce your soul.

In Jesus’s name, amen.





I woke up yesterday and got the kids ready to go to my brothers house. Then I opened up a book and it had a Robert Frost poem. It reminded me of the drawing my friend Paula had somebody make for me from the Steam Rorschach blob on my wall. Two paths diverging and me at a crossroads. Kind of like the two arms of the trial.

If there was a way to explain how it feels to be in a trial, it would be the VIP treatment… Very Important Patient.

My trial coordinator Pushpa was waiting for me by the doors of the cancer center. She has a big binder with my name on it and all these numbers. She had an updated agreement for me to sign, as they’ve added MORE side effects. Im glad I did all the exercises that Speed Reader taught me when I was eight and used to watch “The Great Space Coaster”. I was able to leave my body for the few minutes while my eyeballs scanned the pages of side effects. If I don’t really read them, they won’t happen, right?

Then she came with me for my oncological physical exam. My oncologist measured the tumors and they didn’t shrink like I thought. I also felt it when she felt the tumor in the armpit from the lymph nodes. But I explained to her my plan of them dissolving and going away in three months, and that oddly enough, I felt calm about it. I said I felt panic the last three months at the unknown feeling of thinking it was awake and growing, but now that I know what I’m dealing with, I’m calm. She gave me a score of 100% on the positive outcome scale. She gave herself an 80%, so we have a 90% average together. It was nice to hear.

She said how crazy it is that they won’t tell her if I get the chemo because she will know from my blood counts. I said me too, as I’ve become pretty good at reading my blood, but my blood is going to help them cure cancer, so we’re all good. I explained to her about all the leafy greens I’m doing and zero sugar, not even fructose. She likes the diet change.

Then we went for bloodwork. It took two tries to get a vein, and they filled up eight vials. Pushpa wrote down the exact time they took the blood. We walked out of the room at 11:11. I kid you not.

Then they brought me to another room and called for an extra nurse. They explained they would both inject the needles and push in the medicine at the same time. Then?

“Ok, pull your pants down, bend over, relax your knees a little, try to breathe though it, and hold on…3…2..1…now.”

Holy hell.

The needles had to go into my muscles right above my burr, and the pain, pressure and burning was intense. One side hurt really bad and then the other caught up to it. Rob held my hand which held the cross as I gripped the chair. I think I did the silent scream face from that famous painting.

Then it was over and they wrote down the time. 11:16. That’s my birthday. I took it as a sign.

Then Pushpa went to get the pills from the pharmacy. It struck me that the placebo pills are sugar pills. Sugar feeds cancer. How crazy is that? It should be turmeric pills. I have to take three ginormous pills a day at the same time and record the time, as well as any side effects I feel. I may write some extra prayers on the page for motivation, as well as little holistic alternative things and ideas for the scientists to read when they go over my work. Covert education and ministry.

My friend Cathy told me she had a friend who worked there, and wouldn’t you know, I met the friend yesterday. Heather gave me a hug before my exam and a hug as we were making all of the follow up appointments. She prayed over me and it was a lovely moment.

Rob went to make sure something else was taken care of, and an elderly woman and her daughter sat by me. This woman said she just got two shots in the butt, and I said I did too. She looked shocked when I told her my diagnosis. She told me she was told she had just a little time left to live…twenty two years ago.

Then she asked me…”Are you afraid today?”

I took a pause… then replied honestly.

“No, I’m not. I cant explain it, but the last few days I’ve been filled with peace. I prayed for peace and healing, and He is giving it to me.”

Her eyes lit up, and she said that’s the secret. She said everyone else can worry, but she gives it all to Jesus. She said isn’t it wonderful to not have to worry anymore?

And it is.

Yes, I was in physical pain. But I’ll take the physical pain over the emotional and spiritual and mental pain any day.

We went to get a quick salad as I had been fasting for eighteen or so hours, and that’s when I got the call to bring Maddie for her first job interview.

I brought her home from my brothers house, had her change, she typed up a letter with her accomplishments, and off we went. After her interview she had to interact with campers and the director talked to me. She said Madison is very different, and she hadn’t met any kids like her. We discussed how she doesn’t have any social media, and I truly feel that has made her more confident. She doesn’t do things for “likes”, she does things because she cares about what SHE thinks, not others. She was hired on the spot, and was excited.

Then we came home and she went to work on some homework and then a book she has been writing for over a year.

We were going to take Maddie out for dinner, but I was in too much pain. Quinn has a bad cold and cough, so I cancelled a sleepover we had planned for them at my brothers and they came home.

We all snuggled, and then went to bed.

I’ve decided I’m going to get my hair done today. I read one of the side effects is more hair thinning, but I figured if I’ve got it now, I might as well do what I can with it. Raquel checked and it doesn’t have the bad carcinogens ingredients so I’m excited to go sit gingerly in a chair.

I have to work tomorrow and Friday.

I wish I could stay home and rest more, but being at work gives me purpose. I’ll take it as easy as I can while surrounded with twenty two five year olds.

Today may all the medication in my body work synergistically with my herbs, food, prayers, and meditations to heal my body, and make me one of the radical responders, and if not, one of the new generation of chronic thrivers of stage four cancer.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Round Two

Last night my brother sent me a text wishing me luck. He wrote, “I’m surprised it wants it’s ass kicked again.”

Made me laugh.

I actually laughed a lot yesterday. I watched the new reboot of Roseanne, and was surprised. She even has the same pill box I do. I laughed out loud at some parts. It was real. And as hard and crazy and surreal life can be, if you keep your sense of humor, you’ll make it through.

I had a house full of kids. Maddie had a bunch of kids, and I had a bunch of cousins over for the other two. At one point I had two tables full of games being played, no technology, kids laughing, and I kept thinking how surreal it was that all the time I’m waiting for a call to let me know that I can go to the hospital in 24 hours and begin a new trial to save my life.

Surreal reality.

Rob called me and told me I was starting the trial while I was sitting with all the kids, and I had to keep my poker face and not cry.

Then I quickly texted my family, rob came home, and I went to reflexology with Danielle.

Talk about perfect timing.

When we finished, she said I felt good. And I did.

I’m ready.

I told her that if they can find what will work and cure cancer from me, then everything I’ve been through will have been worth it.

I came home, fed fifteen kids, and kept playing.

Then everyone left, and I went to bed.

I’m up now, about to get ready.

I am grateful my oncologist is coming in on her day when she doesn’t see patients to start me. This way I have today and tomorrow to deal with side effects, if any.

I’ve tried my best to be nonchalant about the two big needles that will get injected into my ass, and slowly push the medicine in for about ninety seconds. But there’s nothing fun about pain.

I’ll sign more paperwork, and then get either the drugs or the placebo. Even my oncologist won’t know. I’ve felt like the tumor may be shrinking on its own, and hope that when my doctor feels it, she feels the same. Size matters, but as my friend Leila wrote to me, it’s not so much the cancer we can feel, it’s the cancer we can’t feel and monitor that’s scary. But she said maybe we are meant to be the pioneers, the first women who become the lifelong thrivers, the chronic condition patients who, although always in treatment, are alive and living and getting to see grandchildren someday.

I’ll take it.

So today, I become the very first patient at the hospital in this trial. Phase two of the trial.

My second line of treatment.

Starting on the third, the third day after Easter.

I’m declaring remission by June.

I did it in five months the first time, I’ll do it in three months this time.

May it be so.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Jumping Hurdles at the Oncological Olympic Trials

I went yesterday to give the blood for the trial. It’s like the semi-finals or qualification round for the Olympics. It took Dorothy a while to find a good vein. She is the vein whisperer though, and got one eventually. I asked to pray over it, then took a picture so all of my friends could pray over it too.

Then we went to breakfast at a new place that was unbelievable. The man who worked there and the state trooper encouraged me to try the goat cheese omelette, and I am so glad I did. I felt like we were at Epcot in Disney in one of the countries. Perfect and organic.

I came home to find a woman named Diane planting flowers in pots on my stoop. Someone anonymously sent spring to my doorstep. I love it. We had a beautiful long talk and I smelled the potting soil and healed even more.

I picked up the kids and took them to the Shrine. My grandparents always went there, and I’ve heard so much about it. You couldn’t believe the traffic and tour buses. We found a spot right by the entrance, “I always get the best parking spots”, and headed to the chapel where our friend Eileen was singing. She has a beautiful voice and I’m so glad I was able to hear her sing. Quinn wanted to buy a candle to light and pray over, because the priest said it would last five days. We also put my name in an envelope for special prayers for healing. Eileen asked Father Hugh to bless me, and before I knew it, I was crying in the church with my eyes closed and body tingling while he held me and then drew a cross on my forehead. I also felt a sharp pain in my breast.

Healing pain.

Cancer cells popping away from the tumor and being swooshed away by my blood.

“Pop pop swoosh”

Then we went to the gift shop and saw my friend George and Cathy. Cathy has been such a steadfast rock for me, and wants me to go to Israel with her one day to walk where Jesus walked.

I just might.

She said she wanted to bring me into the chapel and get blessed by someone very special to her… Father Hugh, the man who had just blessed me.

Cathy and Eileen are two of the kindest, faith-full women I know, and now they know each other. I’m so glad. They both took me to the rock and I gasped when I saw it. Remember when I wrote about the veil? I felt Him there. It’s a thin space.

Then cathy went back to volunteering and we met Eileen’s daughter Johanna, her friend, and Eileen’s Husband steve. We walked the stations of the cross, and prayed at each one. We asked for mercy for us and for the whole world. You’re all good.

I loved that my children saw people from all walks of life and cultures, heard prayers and songs in other languages. I also loved that my girls saw statues of women being honored. Women are important. God used women in the Bible for important jobs. Mary had the most important. She was the ultimate vessel to bring Jesus into the world.

We ended up at the gift shop, and my kids wanted rosaries and crosses. Lutherans don’t pray the rosary, and only pray to Jesus. But their dad is catholic, and we all end up at the same place.

We came home, had dinner and then went to my church. It’s a solemn service, with black covering the cross and candles, and we walk out silently and complete darkness to signify how the disciples and women felt when they left the day Jesus died.

The disciples scattered, but not the women who loved Him. In fact, Jesus first appeared to a woman after resurrection. Mary Magdalene.

Because Eve sinned, the first woman who was pure was then a sinner, and she was told from then on she would lose her voice, be less equal than man. But then Jesus reversed the curse, so to speak, and took Mary Magdalene, a sinner, and gave her authority to not only be a witness but to preach the gospel. To be an equal with men.

I love that.

Easter is a time when everyone is invited to the table to eat and drink and believe, but not everybody comes. Man has made it too cloudy and judgmental and distorted the message.

Women will work harder to spread it.

The good news is love.

I had a miracle happen last night. I was told yesterday that I had more hurdles to clear before the trial can start. I have to take a pregnancy test. That brought on some very interesting conversations with the kids. “Mom, you can be the new Virgin Mary!”

“Mom, whats a virgin? Am I a virgin?” I also had to get Dr Snuffleuffugus to give me the ingredients for the scientists to check before the study begins.

My heart sank with that one. I had a better chance of being told I was pregnant. We asked once before and he dismissed the question.

I woke up this morning to an email… with the ingredients. Don’t ask me to share. I wont. He didn’t include portions and measurement.

I’m hoping it’s enough for the trial scientists to say… “Oh! Its just some asparagus and other stuff… She is good to go!”

So, I’m laying here with Quinn on my arm, breathing on my face, my dog laying on top of my legs, holding the ingredients in my hand that are passed down from generations of master herbalists, feeling like Hermione Granger as I whisper them to rob, and prayed that I’m not pregnant.

This is my life.

I’ll take it.

I’m going to walk this morning at Indian Island, take a pregnancy test, clean and go food shopping for Easter tomorrow. I’m hosting in the morning then going to my brothers in the afternoon. Then I’ll go to the Giving Room tonight for a full moon meditation and then pray at the beach.

I’ll pray and give thanks for all of my blessings.

Today, may the cells continue to pop and swoosh away, may the pregnancy test be negative, and may everyone realize they can come to the table.


In Jesus’s name, amen.

(And if the pregnancy test isn’t negative, boy oh boy, will my post be a good one tomorrow!)