I’ve been getting angry inside again.
At little things.
And I’m not really angry at those things.
I’m angry about the cancer.
I’m angry that I’ve got steroid “moon face” and my face is a big round circle.
I’m angry that I’m forty pounds heavier than is healthy, but the medicines keep the weight on, no matter what I do.
I’m angry I’m still wearing wigs, and the new hair is coming in black and has a widows peak on my forehead. Which means I have to wear the wig lower down and now it looks fake.
I’m angry the skin is peeling off my hands now.
I’m angry I cant sleep more than a few hours a night again.
I’m angry that I’m a good person, and horrible people are out there NOT dealing with cancer.
I’m angry I took down my Christmas tree yesterday and kept thinking how sad my kids and rob would be next year if I die and am not here next Christmas.
I’m angry that the government isn’t doing enough for stage four research.
I’m angry at all the pink, and women ringing bells and making cancer seem like a party. Because this isn’t a party.
I’m angry that now I am back to every two weeks of getting chemo through a tube stuck into my chest, and have to get medicine that makes me want to crawl out of my body as they push it in.
I’m angry I think about dying about a hundred times a day, when four years ago I took for granted that I would grow old with rob and meet my grandchildren.
I’m angry we are finally finishing up my quiet place room and keep thinking I may not be here long to enjoy it.
I’m angry that little children are going through this too.
I’m angry that Quinn wants to go skiing on a day trip and I cant go. It’s right when chemo hits me and a day full of driving, sitting and standing in the cold, and then driving home would be too much.
I’m angry I cant take my detox baths anymore because the heat would bring the chemo to the skin and make it worse. I also miss warm showers.
I’m angry I look like a cancer patient on the outside now.
I’m angry seeing other people go on vacations and not have a care in the world, and I have to watch all of our money because the cancer is in charge of my finances now.
I’m angry it’s been three years of appointments and pills and chemo and not feeling normal.
I’m angry we don’t have college savings for our kids, and have to rely on scholarships of they are to go anywhere other than community college or trade school.
I’m angry that I’m fighting for my kids education and it means more to me than other parents. It means more because I may not be here to fight for them in a year, and I dont care who I piss off now.
Get…out… of …my …way.
But you wouldn’t know how angry I am if you look at me.
I’m still teaching kindergarten full time and using my “teacher voice”. I’m still smiling at people. I’m still having play dates with my kid’s friends and soaking up every giggle and laugh I hear. I’m still driving my kids around everywhere and thankful I get to do it.
I’m still breathing.
I’m still here.
I got an email from my oncologist last night asking how I was and if I thought I would be ready to have chemo this Thursday.
I said yes.
It’s a weird place to be…
Angry, sad, grateful, fighting for your life and trying to stay calm.
I never thought this would be my life.
I look at other moms going about their lives and think…”That was me. I wonder what they would do if they got stage four cancer out of the blue?”
It’s Dr Martin Luther King Jr day. I spent all week teaching my kindergarten children about him and about equality.
How everyone should be treated the same.
Death is the greatest equalizer. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, rich or poor, religious or atheist, beautiful, young, old.
It comes for you.
It comes for all of us.
Some have it appear out of the blue and take them away without warning.
Some have Death send it’s henchman named cancer, and it follows that person around all day long, whispering how it will take you…someday. But first it’s going to scare the crap out of you and make you suffer.
You think you will live forever…
Until you know you won’t.
So today, I’m going to breathe and read and go on a walk. Morgan had a friend sleepover last night and today Quinn and Maddie have friends coming over. I’ll work hard on releasing the anger again.
It’s a cycle and ebbs and flows.
December and January were hard months.
Physically, emotionally, mentally.
It’s time for things to turn around.
I’m hoping the much lower dose of chemo is a dose my body can handle, yet is still effective on killing the cancer but not my organs. I’m hoping my herbs and supplements and diet kills the stem cells and switches genes back to where they recognize cancer and kicks it out.
That’s not too much to ask for, right?
Here’s to releasing anger, accepting peace, and my moon face going away.
In Jesus’s name, amen.