Its been nice having a break and not feeling the pressure to write every day. Today is a day I need prayers, so I am writing.
I’ve been playing a game in my head this past week. You see, my breast, side, armpit, shoulder, arm and lower back are all hurting.
All the time.
Usually that’s not good.
It’s like I have all these little fires going on that I’m tying to put out, in my body, in my mind, and trying to teach and be a mom and wife.
So the game I’m playing is “Turn that stinking thinking around”, and pretending that the pain is from the cancer cells breaking away from the tumors and trying to find a way out.
Quinn has also been in my bed still. He climbed onto my lap in the car yesterday before school and asked me to just hold him. His belly hurt again.
He ended up going home and spending the day on nanny’s couch.
I had a talk with the girls and asked them to try and play even more with him, as he is only nine and doesn’t know how to get his feelings out.
They agreed and were sweet with him.
I have to go to the hospital today.
That always seems to trigger his belly aches.
Today I have more vials and vials of blood taken, see the oncologist, have two nurses simultaneously inject the very painful shots into my muscles right above my ass, and for extra fun, they want me to have an EKG because you know…. the medicine that’s supposed to prolong my life can cause heart damage.
I’ll check my white blood cell count and hopefully be able to tell if I’m in the placebo group or chemo group.
I truly have no clue.
Some days I can stand and do things until 6:30 or 7 pm and then I turn into a frog and lay on a log and try not to croak… and other days I come Home and head straight to the log by 4.
Today I’m playing a new game.
The anticipation of these needles can make a girl crazy, so I’ve decided to call them “allergy shots”.
I mean, I AM allergic to cancer.
The moment as they count down to injection feels like forever… then the time the needles are in feels like forever times three.
But I’m playing to win, and I’ll keep doing whatever I have to do.
I know it’s not if you win or lose but how you play the game, but man, I really hope I get to play this painful game for many years to come.
I’m also hoping that somehow all of these appointments and procedures which begin at two o’clock go quickly.
Quinn worked so hard on a science project and tonight is the fair.
Morgan also has a dance.
I’m praying I can gingerly get to the fair tonight with Quinn and help Morgan do her hair.
I’m teaching all morning, and that will help me keep my mind off of the allergy shots.
Taking the break from writing also helped me disconnect from Facebook a bit, and I realized how much people use it as a tool to hurt others.
Sometimes when you step back you see a bigger picture.
If you don’t have anything nice to say…send good thoughts instead and be thankful you’re not playing the games I am.
My friend Alycia is also starting a new round of therapy today. Please hold her in your prayers as well.
My other friend Megan is doing well, as is Leila.
If a girl has to be dropped into the arena for the games, I’ve got some amazing teammates.
Today may my doctor feel my breast and say the tumors are softer and smaller, the pain is a good thing, my heart is strong, the needles are quick, and I get to live my long life.
In Jesus’s name, amen.