Whack A Mole

I was in shock yesterday.

I was feeling so confident because the breast felt softer and the ca125 numbers were so low.

So confident that I packed my remission accomplished shirt to wear home.

When we were brought into the exam room, it was early. But once 10:30 hit, then 10:40… I knew it was going to be bad.

When 11:00 hit and the doctor still wasn’t in…

I knew it was really bad. I knew she was looking at my scans and trying to figure out a new plan.

I played Christian songs as we waited and prayed out loud. I cried and rob held me.

Then the doctor walked in with her intern and assistant and my heart dropped at their faces.

She said she spoke to the radiologist and it doesn’t make sense. The breast and lymph nodes responded completely, but the liver?

Not only were the spots that were there now having FDG uptick indicative of cancer, but now there are more and bigger. There are also three bone lesions.

I remember crying out to Jesus.

Rob was quick on his feet and asked questions. Could it be something else like a false positive? Very slim chance, like an infection, but I’m not exhibiting any signs. How could the breast and lymph nodes be clear and it grow elsewhere during hard chemo for four months? Because of this gene issue I was diagnosed with, it could be a new primary… liver cancer. It also mutates cancer quicker and flips the cancer pathways and blows through therapies quicker. So it could be a totally new subtype of breast cancer, where the main site was one type, and the type that is the offspring changed, meaning there are two types of breast cancer in the body. Why was the marker so low, even the ca-15 we monitored? She doesn’t know.

She was just as shocked as we were.

It was explained that we have to do a liver biopsy ASAP. It will be sent away for genetic testing to see which genes are driving it, and which treatment would be most effective. However, I’m not on any treatment now, and that is concerning. The biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday, but she is pushing for Monday or every tomorrow. It takes two to three weeks for results, and I’ll be off treatment as it grows.

They discussed the bleeding risk of the biopsy, the 48/72 hour recovery, and the pain as they will try to get more than one sample possibly. She feels the bone mets are connected. I asked if surgery is now off the table for the breast and she said yes.

I asked if it is two types of breast cancer can the one in the breast wake up again? She said yes.

I said I’m now playing whack a mole to save my life.

She said yes, and we have to keep whacking as it pops up. I asked about the bones and she said it’s the liver that is the big issue here.

It’s not good.

I asked about my liver function we monitored throughout the summer and it was fine. I’m not jaundiced and not in pain.

It’s very rare and confusing.

Of course it is.

The intern and assistant hugged me and held my hand. Another nurse friend came in and held me as i fell apart and gave me lavender oil to breathe.

I kept thinking about my kids.

This great big epic story i told myself about surgery in two weeks and then no more treatment because i was oligometastatic disappeared.

I asked my doctor if there are treatments available and she said she was optimistic and when she isn’t, that’s when we worry. I also saw my former trial coordinator and she said she will look into clinical trials.

Then I had to go get blood taken for the biopsy, as well as an Xgeva shot in the stomach for the bones. I also had to get a neupogen shot in the stomach for the white blood cell count to prepare for the biopsy.

I called my mom and texted the family.

I called my principals and cried, told them i plan on working a long as I can, and may have to miss either the one field trip a year we planned for next week, or the thanksgiving feast.

I contacted Dana Farber Cancer Center in Boston to see one of their specialists and possibly add to my team. My oncologist is willing to work with more specialists.

We picked up Quinn and Madison and told them. We started with the positive news about the breast and lymph being clear. Quinn became exited and said it’s all gone??? We then we kept it light that the liver spots lit up as there are some new ones on the bone. That mommy has to do another biopsy, I’ll be on the couch a few days, and then we move on to a new treatment. We told them I may travel to Boston. Maddie said she is looking at it as a “win” because I got rid of fifty percent of the cancer in four months. We discussed with her how she looked up stage four two years ago and it scared her. We told her not to look up any of this, because it will scare her again and those statistics are not mom, and they didn’t have Dr Snuffleuffugus or Donnie Yance or a French woman who swooshes or the faith or nutrition or juices.

I went to reflexology and Paula met me in the parking lot. We walked in and I cried as I told danielle and Paula about everything. They have total faith that I’ll get through this. Then Daniele did reiki and reflexology and hot stones and hugs. I needed it after the day I had.

I went to pick up Morgan and told her. She was quiet and I told her not to look anything up either.

None of my kids cried, but they were quiet and strong and my heroes and oh my god I want to see them grow up so badly.

I emailed Dr Snuffleuffugus and he will be changing the formula to address the liver and bone mets.

I emailed Donnie Yance and his assistant said he is away but will be glad about the Caris testing and she is praying for me.

Madame swoosh just arrived from France and I am seeing her Sunday at 5 pm.

Rob and I discussed and we are hitting it hardcore with diet. I’ll be doing 13 hour fasts every day, only organic, only plant, no processed, no dairy. I relaxed a little during chemo to get through the nausea and raise my counts.

Some of my friends in the arena contacted me with liver hope stories. One told me of her daughters false positive uptick on the liver. One told me of a woman living for twelve years with liver mets.

The scary thing is that everyone is different, and some last for years, and some go very quickly.

I’m praying for decades.

Alycia texted me and said the comeback is always bigger than the setback, and Leila texted me that her grandma reminded her that the liver regenerates.

I’m going to work today, then playing in the school district union fundraiser Harlem Wizard game.

I’ll keep busy and try not to go down the rabbit hole of what if’s.

I’ll pray that the liver was a false positive and the biopsy will prove it.

I’ll pray the Chinese herbs and Donnie pills will clear up whatever is there.

I’ll pray Odyle will swoosh it out.

I’ll pray for Jesus to heal me.

I’ll pray for strength for rob and the kids.

I dont know why I chose the Bible verse shirt I did yesterday.

“Keep pressing forward” Phillipians 3:19.

But that’s what I’ll do.

Because I love my husband and children and life.

Don’t take anything for granted.

Stop complaining and look at your blessings. Especially if you have your health.

I’m in Groundhog Day, as two years ago this month I had the breast biopsy then had to wait for the bone biopsy.

Last year this month I had to wait for the appendix biopsy.

I find myself this year this month waiting for a liver biopsy.

I used to love November. It’s my birthday month.

Not so much anymore.

May today bring news of a biopsy sooner than Wednesday, and healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

*this is my nurse friend with me right before I found out. She held me and gave me lavender. God sends nurses when we need them most.

3 thoughts on “Whack A Mole

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