I am so scared.

I went from feeling so positive and good on Wednesday morning to having death whisper in my ear all night long that he is coming for me and quickly, and looking at my children and husband and crying and thinking I’m not going to see them next Christmas.

How is this my life?

I know my cells are listening to my thoughts. I know I have to change the shitty story I’m telling myself.

It’s hard when I’m in pain… and I am in pain.

I got up yesterday and washed my sheets so I had a clean bed to come home to, as well as vacuumed and did laundry and loaded the dishwasher. I kept thinking how I just finished four months of chemo one week ago, and I thanked God I was able to get all of that done before the biopsy.

We got to the hospital and I had some of the same nurses I had when my port was put in. It gave me a sense of peace to see them. They somehow remembered me, and were so kind. They were able to access the port, and they quickly got me into the procedure room. It was supposed to be done under a CAT scan, but because I cant have radiation it was all on sonogram. Craig was the radiologist and he was so kind. We discussed recovery and he jokingly asked if i okay any contact sports. I replied rugby, and we laughed. I told him i did just play in a professional basketball game against the Harlem Wizards the night before and he couldn’t believe it. I said they had to put two men on me because I was so good. We laughed again.

My nurse was Carol and God put her with me for a reason. I discussed with Craig and carol my concerns that I was wide awake for the port placement and also felt everything with 19ccs of lidocaine with the core needle breast biopsy. Their eyes widened a bit and said that 19 ccs was a lot. Carol took my blood pressure and it was in the high 140’s so I told her to wait and I could bring it to the 120s with my breath in a few seconds. She looked me right in the eyes and said, “If I’m understanding you, you’re going to be the type of patient who we won’t be able to pick up if you’re in pain through the normal ways, you’ll be quiet and breathing… and I should ask you often if you’re Ok?” In that moment I knew I was in good hands with her.

As she turned to walk away, something came over me and I blurted out, “Are you ok? Are you in pain in your back?” She stopped dead in her tracks and asked me what I said. I repeated it and she asked how I knew. She said she has hip and back pain. I told her I felt she had inflammation and should look into chaga mushroom for its inflammation properties, that it’s easy and safe and natural. I told her I know about hipa privacy, but I give her permission to contact chaga island and tell them my name and she was my nurse. She came back to my bedside and held my hand and asked me to repeat the name again.

I told her she had good energy and I was so glad she was my nurse.

She then said usually the doctor who would be with me was whoever finished the procedure before me first. She instead went and found the one who was more generous with the pain medication. He came in, heard my story, and said we would start at where the chart said they finished with during my port and breast biopsy.

I love Carol.

The doctor was kind and listened to everything I said. Dr Maleson talked to me the whole time, pulled up my liver and I saw the mass he was going to biopsy.

It’s big.

I put my hand up on the screen and he asked if I was ok.

I said I was praying over it and they all got quiet.

Then we began.

I didnt realize the liver was so high and up under my ribs on the right side. I felt the needle as I watched it go into the liver, and pain when he pulled the trigger to extract a part of the mass. He upped the meds again.

He took six samples and I breathed. I did hit a sleep state for a few minutes, and came back for the last two biopsies. He got six in all.

They wheeled me out and rob was right there outside the door. They put him in the room next to me to wait, and I was glad he was near. When Carol brought me back to recovery she told my recovery nurse they used double what they usually do for pain.

I had severe shoulder pain and they said it is connected to the liver. They pushed IV Tylenol and it helped. They let me go after about an hour or so. My last blood pressure reading was 111/55 and pulse was 77… all double numbers for me.

My brother sent me a text that he was praying and splitting wood and found a special log and sent me a picture. I was in such a pain state I didnt see what he meant at first and blew up the picture on my phone. I showed rob and said I saw the angel wings on the top of the picture, and he looked at me and said , “Keri, it’s the sign for Jesus”. The fish symbol.

Amazing.

(And goes to show how much pain I was in…)

I came home and got right on the couch. …along with Kasha. Dogs are amazing and know when things aren’t right. She may make us crazy, but she is curled up against me now on the bed and it gives me comfort.

Quinn came home and saw me quick then went to tennis with rob. Morgan and maddie came home and Morgan was so excited she made the middle school volleyball team. There are two teams, a blue and a white, only thirty spots, and over seventy girls tried out. She was so happy, and I was proud. We also sent love to the girls who didn’t make the team.

I watched Christmas movies on hallmark and lifetime. The Christmas movie on lifetime had my assistant principals best friend in it. Shanola came to our school last year and everyone lost their minds. She is on some show and her character name is “V”. I just have known her as the best friend of someone who prays with me and hugs me when I cry at school. It made me feel peace to see her, and I sent a picture screenshot of the show to my friend and said it was us.

Morgan got me more Tylenol when it was time, and Maddie kept asking me if i was ok. Quinn kept kissing my head.

I’m so lucky to have these three souls in my life, yet so sad their roles have switched to caretaker at times.

I went to bed and cried to rob that here I am praying the biopsy comes back as a miracle clean… and if it doesn’t, should I hope it’s a mutated breast cancer or a new primary liver? Which one will give me more time?

I slept on and off last night. I’m taking more Tylenol now for the pain.

I received a message from yet another friend who went to see Odyle, Madame swoosh, year’s ago. She also said she was a powerful energy worker. I also heard from others who live in Boston and have offered to meet with me or let us stay with them when we go. My network of blessings is large.

Today is yoga teacher training and I’m so sad I’m missing it. Restorative healing yoga was the theme for this weekend.

Today I’ll pray for less pain and quick recovery, and pray in thanksgiving in advance for good news when the biopsy comes back, and for another forty years of life as a testimony for God’s love and healing and miracles.

May it be so.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri