Coming Back into My Body Now

I went into school dressed as a 100 year old woman for the 100th day of school. The kids all said I looked beautiful. I had sparkly silver shoes with clear plastic heels, glitter gold leggings, a black top, a scarf, and a crown, with pearls and sparkly jewels. My hair was up and had baby powder in it. I explained that I had just won “Glitteriest Grandma”’at the senior center prom. One student asked where my cane was, and I explained I don’t need a cane when I dance.

We marched through the school with our 100th day projects, sang songs, counted to 100, and made a hallway museum.

That was all by 11:30.

Then I dropped them to lunch and headed to the cancer center.

I did run home quick. I wanted to take my herbs, do some wheat grass shots, grab a green juice for the ride, and I decided to change and try to fix my hair. I had a feeling about this appointment.

So here goes.

Ok….my labs stink.

My oncologist has decided to hold off the next round of chemo to give my cells a few extra days to try and regroup. I’m not starting today.

This weekend my body gets two free days to rest.

It starts Monday.

She wants me to stay on the highest level of chemo of 125 mg for at least one more cycle.

Rob ordered it immediately after the appointment and it will be shipped overnight.

I have to go for bloodwork in two weeks to check how my counts are.

We are also scheduling the PET MRI for March.

She said being tired like I am is normal. Listen, I make this look easy.

It’s not.

You know how you feel at the end of a long week?

That’s me… every morning.

We kept talking about bloodwork and the dentist visit I had.

We talked about the next appointment with the oncologist in four weeks and one injection. I’ll get the ginormous one but not the bone one due to possible osteonecrosis. The PETMRI will also include my Brain, and they can check the jaw.

She measured the tumors in the breast. When your oncologist gets out a tape measure two appointments in a row, your heart stops.

Then you ask.

“Has it gotten bigger?”

No, but..

She isn’t happy it hasn’t gotten smaller, and she had hoped by now it would have disappeared.

She mentioned that it’s possible there are dormant cancer cells laying inside the tumors, and wants to check the uptake in the MRIPET.

That’s when you start to write the shitty first draft of the next part of you me story.

You think to yourself, “It has happened. The terrible thing. This is what the terrible thing feels like. I remember from last year”.

I started crying and said I cant believe this is my life.

She stopped staring intently at her screen and looked at me and said, “I know. It’s hard.” Then she went back to looking at all of my former scans and the screen.

Hard is an understatement.


I left my body. I started to float out of it and there was a buzzing in my ears. I looked at rob. He said, “Don’t go there.”

And I knew I had to find some hope before I left the room.

A glimmer.

I actually took a breathe and came back into my body.

I asked about possibly being ogliometastatic, and she said that could still be true.

I asked if it’s possible for someone to live as an ogliometastatic patient for a long time and die with these tumors having just lived there.

She said yes.

Her goal is to still have me live as a chronic disease patient.

But, she said that there are possibly cancer cells lying dormant in the breast, inside the tumor, encapsulated.

In my mind I thought of a ticking time bomb.

I thought that I have to do all I can to keep the beast in the breast asleep.

Somehow, for the next forty five years, I’ll have to sing lullabies to the beast every second of every day, starve it of the sugar and stress and sleep deprivation it wants, and instead tell it stories of Jesus while I breathe and let it taste all the goodness of organic foods as we breathe in unison while

I sleep.

We finished up with my oncologist and I told her to drink pineapple juice for her cough.

Then I texted my family.

Rob went from desk to desk and made all of my appointments and did the phone calls. I sat on a couch, stared out the window towards the hospital, and had a pity party cry.

The shitty first draft started again.

“See that hospital? That’s where you’re going to end up at the end.”

My family kept texting me and pulling me back.

Rob was positive and tends to hear the good things, so he will keep filling my head with the good things, after i get out the good cries.

He spoke of Jesus and how I am his miracle. How two different mediums said I would live a long life, and had a direct connection to God.

I pray for that every second.

I’m tired.

Still trying to catch my breath this morning from when she took out the tape measure again yesterday.

It’s going to be a long month.

Please pray for another good PETMRI.

I need it.

We went out to get something to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. I get the Mexican salad, no cheesecake.

I looked at all people around us and thought how they are taking their lives for granted.

As if the shooting in Wednesday didn’t make them realize. I was still so sad that instead of bedtime stories I’m talking to Madison about what to do if someone tries to shoot her in school.

It’s been a crushing and exhausting week.

Suddenly I got one of my feelings and knew I had to go next door to the book store. I actually walked around Barnes and Nobles with my hand out in front of bookshelves until my had felt I found the book I was supposed to get.

“Trade your Cares for Calm” by Max Lucado.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I also got messages other ways.

My e-friend Onyx sent me some hope on a new therapy.

Paula went to the beach to video the sunset.

Rob and I watched it in the middle of a busy restaurant. Everyone had a view of a mall parking lot.

We had a sunset to watch.

Suddenly, there were three seals in the water.

One on one rock, and two on another.

Three seals.


Then we went home, I hugged my kids and tried hard to not cry.

My hero, Ann Fonfa, had an interview released with another hero of mine, Chris Wark.

On the night I needed hope.

It’s an amazing interview.

You should all watch it.

Today is Chinese New Year,

Year of the Dog.

I’ll try to find something appropriate to wear, and try to keep the kids calm before we begin the weeklong break.

My mom and dad told me I’m doing too much and to rest over the break.

I feel like a woman on fire and want to clean and catch up in the housework and make memories with my kids.

I’ll have to find a balance.

Today, may the beast in breast continue to sleep.


In Jesus’s name, amen.



One year ago on the 100th Day…

Throwback post on the way to my oncologist appointment.

“100 Days”

Today is the 100th day of school. It was supposed to be Monday, but you know…


Myself and the rest of my 26 kinders will dress up like we are 100 years old.

Oh, I will be quite a sight.

100 school days ago I was angry and frustrated. We had school choice hit our district, and it hit our school hard. We had two building given the option of sending their kids to us, with no extra funds give by the state. I suddenly went from 21 to 26 kindergarteners in a matter of three days… right before school started.


I’m still exhausted when I get home, and it takes me longer to get through everything. But, I also got more hugs and have bigger dance parties.

100 school days ago I would rush out of the building, grab my kids, then drive almost an hour for swim practice. I would sit for three hours, then drive home exhausted. I would eat Panera or whatever crap I could pack to eat, do homework in the car. Now?

I come home and have an organic whole food plant based dinner. I’ll snuggle on the couch or take a bath. I miss my swim family terribly, and will always feel bad Morgan no longer does what she loved and excelled at. But morgan loves being home and snuggling, and Quinn is happy playing with kasha.

100 school days ago we were planning a super secret trip to Disney in October. Then a hurricane hit so we rescheduled to Christmas. Then cancer hit, and it’s postponed indefinitely.

100 school days ago…

I didn’t know I had cancer. Oh, I had it, but I didn’t know. Instead, I was worried my husband had cancer, and my daughter had alopecia. Morgans hair is back, Rob’s biopsy came back clear, then boom.

I was diagnosed stage four out of the blue.

I wouldn’t wish to go back 100 school days, because back then it was growing without me trying to stop it.

Instead, I’ll wish to make it to 100 years old, along with rob.

So today, as I dress up like a 100 year old woman, I’ll give rob a preview of what’s to come.

These 100 days of school have truly been life changing…

but I try to focus more on the good changes than the bad. It’s not always easy, but I have my family, friends and all of you to remind me about the good.

Here’s to the 100th day of school…

And being a cured 100 year old cancer free mom/teacher/friend/hot wife.

I am cured.

I am cured.

I am cured.


In Jesus’s name, amen.



Thoughts and Prayers… and Action.

I had planned out my post for today on last Sunday. I was going to talk about how it’s the 100th of school and how we are all going to dress like we are 100 years old, then I have to go to my oncologist appointment and pray my labwork is good. I’ll also have to explain why I look like I aged fifty five years since the last visit.

I was also going to wish Marguerite a very happy 92nd birthday. I love this lady. I left church for a short while this year, and she brought me back. We now sit with her every Sunday. She reminds me of my own Nan. Strong, feisty, classy, full of grace and love. She means more to me than she knows.

I never plan on my posts, ever. I wake up and they come to me.

I should have know better.

After teaching kindergarten all day, having an epic faculty breakfast and lunch, organizing for a “juicenado” and having 47 juices delivered, I came home exhausted.

And that’s the thing.

I came home.

In Florida, there are too many people who went to school that didn’t get to come home.

Another school mass murder.

I wish the media would stop saying mass shooting, because it takes the focus off the murder part and makes it a trigger for politics.

Right away people became separated.

“It’s the NRA’s fault!!! They elect people through funding!”

“It’s Obama’s fault and thank God we now have Trump!”

“Screw Trump! He is a racist and I hate him!”

“It’s the republican congress fault!”

“Screw the thoughts and prayers people!”

“Less guns!”

“More guns!”

Meanwhile, my heart is breaking as I tell Maddie to always be vigilant, explain how to use a book bag as a shield, to throw things at a shooter if cornered, and to run in a zig zag if being chased.

Yes, it’s a gun issue. There is no reason for semi automatic guns to be out there. But I also support the right to bear arms.

I’m one of the good guys. I don’t have a gun, but I know as the daughter and sister of police officers, I’ve always felt safe when good guys have guns to protect us from the bad guys.

And there are bad guys.

There is so much more to this than just a nineteen year old getting a gun. He had been suspended. He had posted on social media. I’m sure if you ask former teachers there would be some who say they always thought he would be the type to do this.

Simply suspending kids doesn’t work. They end up somewhere.

We need to do more.

Get to the bottom.

Make mandatory counseling for the student and the family. I dont know how you can make someone go to counseling, or attend parenting classes. But I wish we could.

Ban all social media for teens.

If you aren’t deemed responsible enough to vote until you are 18, or register for a gun until 18… why on Earth do these kids have Snapchat and social media?

Those sites are weapons.

I heard of a child who tried to kill him self because of something posted on social media. This child was under the age of 13. The kid who posted the thing that was so hurtful? Got back his phone and continued posting the next day.

These children have lost their sensitivity chips. They play violent video games and become immune to the violence. Someone posted a Snapchat video from inside an actual classroom yesterday.

All I is saw was a girl crouched, the legs of another student lying down, and then screaming. Multiple shots being fired into their room.

It was real.

Instead of covering their head, a child decided to film it.

While a reporter was interviewing a student, an eleven year old, the camera went to his mom, he suddenly smiled and held up his fingers while a friend came over and they goofed for the camera.

It is always “Look at me” for these kids now.

Instead of looking inside at themselves, they are always looking at others and judging the others while comparing themselves.

Then there are the family units.

I know people whose kids have social media pages. I don’t think they’ve checked their kids pages recently, and if they have, and they are ok with what their kids are posting, or what other kids are saying and writing to their kids…

It’s enough to make a kid question themselves and snap.

If your kid is under 18, shame on you for letting them have social media accounts.


I said it.

People are afraid to say hard things.

Your kid may just be posting pictures of animals and flowers, but they have opened up the gate to see what other kids post and write.

Ask amy teacher in a middle school or high school, or an administrator, and they will tell you about social media.

But parents care more about their kid not being left out than the safety and well being.

Don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong.

NO kid needs Snapchat. Their life won’t end without it. Try and think of what possible reason your kid needs it that doesn’t make them sound like a narcissist human.

Guns are bad when in the wrong hands.

So is social media.

Families have stopped spending time together as well. How many families go to church together regularly? If you celebrate Easter and Christmas, you should at least be reading the Bible. Get to know the guy you’re celebrating twice a year. Going to church. Teaching your child to pay more attention to being a good Christian more so than being the most liked poster on snapchat.

If anything I wrote here made you angry, fine.

Anger causes action.

Don’t write your anger on my page, though.

Because if you’re angry at me for what I wrote and have time to write a response about Obama, Trump, NRA, Republicans, Democrats, Snapchat, social media, not my kid… save it.


Talk to your kids.

Write to your local officials and ask what is the plan.

Not national.

They haven’t done squat.


Big changes start in little places.

This is more than guns. It’s breakdown of society and families.

Unfortunately, schools are the target.

Now we have to worry about when a fire drill is pulled? I can’t even.

I am a teacher.

Diagnosed with stage four cancer a year ago and have an oncology appointment today to make another full body scan.

I am planning on beating all the odds and seeing my children grow up and hold my grandchildren.

I am also planning on seeing one day this nation stop pointing fingers and yelling at other people and instead come together to fix this crisis.

It’s the 100th day of school.

May all children who go to school today feel safe. May all staff members feel safe. May all parents feel safe.

May we all find a way to come together to be parents instead of friends to our kids. Make hard decisions. Help children who need mental health help get counseling. Help parents learn how to raise kind children.

And may my appointment be a good one with good labs.

Oh, and happy birthday to Marguerite. We love you so…

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Ps. This is a painting my daughter painted last night. I thought I would add some beauty to this post.

Love and Ashes

Let me begin by wishing you all a Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you. Even if I’ve never met you in person. You being here has helped me start my day, every day, for the last fifteen months.

Thank you.

I’m still trying to figure out if Quinn is going to school. He slept with me last night, and has been more clingy. I’m noticing that happens whenever I have oncology appointments or when I spend more time on the couch.He may be a nine year old boy, but he is dealing with some pretty big stuff for a tiny human.

We all are, actually.

For some, today is all about romantic dinners, flowers, cards, and love.

For some, it’s a painful day of broken promises relived, loved ones lost, and lonely nights that feel even lonelier.

Which is why I am so glad that it’s Ash Wednesday.

Hear me out…

I used to think it was weird to get black stuff smeared in your head. I would see people with the black smudge and want to wipe it off.

I didn’t realize how much it meant.

The ashes are so important. They are made from the palms from Palm Sunday the year before.

When we are babies and get baptized, we have the sign of the cross out onto our heads with water.

Water is invisible.

It’s an invisible branding that we belong to Jesus.

Today, millions of Christians will get a visible mark on their head to show everyone that they belong to Jesus.

Ashes are also a reminder of death. As God told Adam in Genesis, “Remember that you are of dust, and to dust you will return”.

Not that I need any more reminders of death, but I think some people need to remember that one day, their body will become dust again, and their soul will be in Heaven.

There was something I read that struck me this morning.

Jesus have a sermon where he spoke about secrets.

One had to do with alms giving. Don’t let your right hand know what the left hand is doing. Do good deeds, but don’t blurt it out so everyone can see what you did. That’s doing it for the fame, not the faith.

Fasting too. A little less food for you, maybe more for others. But do we complain about it, or do it in secret.

Prayer as well. Some people feel we are truly heard best in churches. Even Martin Luther prayed by a window to make sure God could hear him better.

But Jesus spoke of doing these in secret.

Wait, what?

This is the selfie Snapchat generation!

Why do anything if others can’t see how good I am?

Thats like the old saying, “If a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound?”

But it’s near the end of Jesus’s sermon where it hits home.

“Your father, who sees in secret…”

The works are done in secret.

And the father sees in secret.

Which means, he sees you from wherever you are.

He is in the secret places of your soul, your mind, and your heart.

He sees it all, and rewards you with something that can’t be seen, like a secret.

With grace and mercy.

A promise of everlasting life.

So today, you may have public admirers on this Valentines Day.

Go ahead and love them deeply.


You may feel lonely.

Know you are loved deeply.

We all have a secret admirer who is the best kept secret that is shouted and praised and spoken about.


Today, we are all loved.

Happy Valentines Day.

Happy Ash Wednesday.

Be love.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Fat Tuesday

Growing up, Fat Tuesday was a day when I would see on the news pictures of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. People would eat and drink in excess, lots of drunken revelry, parades, music, and women would be encouraged to lift their shirts to get beads.

This whole Lenten season has snuck up on me this year, and as what happens when life altering things come into one’s life, perceptions change. It’s so much more than beads and beer.

I’m also learning a lot about Lutherans, Catholics, Christians, the Bible, and history.

I looked up Fat Tuesday and found out it’s also called Shrove Day, or pancake day. People used to use up all of their rich foods like eggs, butter and milk before fasting, and what better to make than pancakes? Some even make doughnuts. In certain places, they have pancake races, and tell a story of a woman who was late to church and when she heard the bell ringing, ran out of the house still flipping pancakes.

True story.

Or not.

That’s the thing. They didn’t have technology back then to know.

But we do have the Bible.

In some faiths, Fat Tuesday was made up for people to eat as much as they can of the things and food they were giving up for the next forty days of Lent. They felt that by fasting, they would be forgiven.

Some Lutherans have started taking part in it, but I think most don’t. Lutherans believe we are already forgiven. We are saved by faith alone in Christ. Doing things that men have added and said to do in the years since doesn’t make you get to Heaven faster.

(It’s also a little strange to say your going to give something up, but first let me eat twenty pancakes, drink a lot of beer, and hey! I’ll give you some beads if you show me some boob.., I don’t think any of the disciples wrote that in the New Testament…)

Yes, Lent is a season to remember the last days of Jesus. How He walked this Earth and suffered so that we could walk in Heaven and celebrate.

But let’s keep the gratefulness in our hearts all year long. Not just for the season.

Every day we breathe we are forgiven.

Our sins have been paid for by His blood.

Spend this season giving more good things to others instead of giving up things you know are bad for you all year long.

Stop smoking.

Stop drinking.

Stop gossiping.

Stop overeating.

Stop blaming yourself and others.

Start forgiving.

Start treating your body like you want it to be around for years and years to come.

Start thinking about how to make your life and other lives better.

Start reading the Bible and read about the greatest love story ever told.

Someone has died for you. He loves you so much, that He died for you before you were even born.

That’s what this season is about.

Spend the next forty days getting to know Him.

His life.

His love.

His forgiveness.

It’s a pretty amazing story.

Today I’ve got work. I’m exhausted from staying out late at a PTO meeting, and reading emails back and forth about chemo between Rob and my doctor. Even one email is hard to read. I still feel like I’m out of body and it’s not really my story. It’s someone else they are discussing on waiting on labwork and deciding doses of chemo and when it starts and going to the cancer center this week.

That’s not me they are taking about.

It’s some other lady.

I talked to a friend last night who had a mammogram and she was telling me how scared she was while the test was happening. She realized that’s my life every day.

I said that’s my life every second when I let it take over.

Someone else said I was quiet the last month whenever she saw me. January was a hard month. February has been too.

But spring is coming.

Last year I felt so much fear about my own diagnosis, as well as pain whenever I thought about Jesus. I came to know Him last year, and truly, deeply love Him.

As much as I love what He did, I feel like I have the pain of His mother in my heart. Mary had to watch her son suffer. The days leading up to Easter are somber and solemn.

I like the part when He surprises everyone and makes the greatest comeback ever.

The original comeback kid.

Today, may we all reflect on how to be better and think about our lives. And if you want to eat a pancake, don’t overdo it.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Unexpected Transformation Sunday

I went to church and sat next to Marguerite, and we all prayed for me for Thursday’s appointment, as well as for her 92nd birthday on Thursday. She has been a blessing and it is an honor to sit next to her each week.

I also learned about Transformation Sunday.

It was when Jesus went up on a mountain and appeared to some of His disciples with Moses and Elijah. I didn’t remember Elijah in the Bible, and vaguely remembered Moses as the guy with the Ten Commandments. I read up a little more, and wondered how the disciples knew it was these other two men who lived centuries before them when they appeared. It’s not like Moses took selfies with the stones and shared them on Snapchat.

I also wondered what they said to Jesus. “Maybe they said, The next few weeks will be hard, but it will be worth it. Trust us.”

That’s not answered in the Bible. But what was made clearer to me was that when God’s voice came down from the sky, he was saying to the disciples to follow only Jesus now.

You see, the disciples wanted to build a temple for all three men. It’s believed that Moses was the law, (the Ten Commandments), and Elijah was a prophet. Now, God was saying that those two men had done their jobs, and now?

Leave it all to Jesus.

He is the one.

The things you learn when you pay attention in church.

Transformation Sunday.

Jesus was transformed and His clothes were white and He was beautiful.

This Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.

It’s also Valentine’s Day. A day of love.


Some people give up things for Lent.


I’m not giving up things, but instead…

I’m working on just giving things.

Giving more love.

Giving more forgiveness.

Giving more of my fear to God.

Giving more faith to myself and my children.

After church I went to The Giving Room with my friend Donna. When I walked in, I saw my friends Thud and Emily. She said she just knew she would see me there. Some may think I live there, but truly, I only make it there once every two to three weeks, but my heart always tries to carry the spirit of the Giving Room with me.

After we left, I delivered juices to some friends, then saw Morgan dance. She was so excited, and could not wait to perform for her family.

There, on the stage of the Living water church, my daughter transformed.

She danced to a song from Swan Lake.

She was covered in white light, and her clothes were all white.

On transformation Sunday.

How perfect.

The whole show was about love.

How perfect.

Today, may we all show more love, and forgiveness.

And may we all transform in our own ways during the coming Lenten season.

Make this time count.

Become better.



And when Easter comes, we are all better versions of ourselves than we are today.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Throwback…”And how are your Children?”

Here is a throwback post from one year ago. Thank you Facebook.

Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come…(and it took me five months instead of two years to hear NED…read on and see…)

This is a picture from that day.

One year ago today.

“And how are your children?”

For a girl who was told she is going to need a brain scan to check for metastasis, I’ve been doing pretty good.

Yesterday I only had one breakdown in the morning, when I spent an hour getting the kids ready to go outside, then called for my contacts and had to schedule another exam because it’s been too long to just reorder.

Another freaking appointment.

This was just after I had to schedule more bloodwork for Monday morning to check my CBC so the doctor can then order and overnight my chemo.

But I did the pity party cry for two minutes, dried off my eyes and then went to take a picture of my kid’s snowman.

“Has it been an hour mom?”

Yup. I told them they had to stay outside an hour because it took me an hour to get them all ready.

They gave me an extra twenty minutes so I could continue to dump and pack up my liquor cabinet.

More crying.

I got flowers, and a bracelet. I felt good.

Then… the phone call.

The social worker from Stonybrook called. I went over my story and thought I sounded brave and strong.

Told her I was going to make Stonybrook look amazing because I planned to only need them for two years max, as God was curing me, through prayer, friends, diet, reiki, reflexology, and magic potion. She is setting us up with financial aid and grants, as she said it will begin to add up quickly with the copays.

It was going great until she asked me the question that makes my heart hurt.

Every time.

“How are your children?”

I told her they know everything. Even the stage four conversation from two weeks ago. She mentioned that the 3 year survival rate on what I call “FU Google . Com” is wrong and scary for anyone to read, especially a 14 year girl. I can’t breathe when I talk to people about my kids. It hurts a lot to think about them and how scared they are, yet try hard to not show me. I think we are handling it ok.

We hung up and I dried off my face. I went back to where the kids were and maddie had on Greys Anatomy. You know, a great show for my future doctor. It was an episode where a woman’s mother just died and now she wants her ovaries and breast removed by elective surgery.

I kid you not.

I just said,”That’s not our story, Mad.”

Then turned off the tv and went to Target.

I used gift cards I’ve gotten from people to get them a little something each. Morgan mentioned we hadn’t been to Target in a long time.

It felt good to be normal again.

Quinn is sleeping in my bedroom again, that’s usually a sign he is scared. Morgan painted her nails over and over yesterday. Maddie asked me what my favorite one cell organism is, then explained why the one I chose is actually really cool. (For all of you wondering, a paramecium has some amazing water expelling function).

Today they have church class, a birthday party, then a sleepover at their cousin’s house.

To answer the question…

I think my kids are doing ok, under the sucky circumstance of their mom being diagnosed stage four out of the blue. I’m so glad God whispered in our ears to keep our Disney trips secret, so they didn’t have the added pain of two cancelled Disney vacations. My family has watched out for them non stop since this started, and have especially been great the past three difficult weeks.

Plus, in two more years, when I finally get the NED statement, we will finally go on a the biggest and best trip ever.

I am Khaleesi, and they are my 3 dragons.

The kids are alright.

They are loved, kind, and know God is with us all the time.

I am cured.

I am cured.

I am cured.


In Jesus’s name, Amen.