We have to tell our stories. I think that’s why so many use social media.

We want to stand up and be counted, be seen… and who doesn’t love a good story?

Storytelling has gone on for as long as time. It’s in our stories we find hope and faith.

I went to a women’s faith event yesterday. I went by myself, and met my friend Eileen and her daughter Johanna. The room was full of catholic women… with one priest and one male keyboardist. The love in the room was palpable. I met one woman and admitted I was a Lutheran. I felt a bit like an outsider, but that I felt called to go to this event when I received the invitation. Mother Mary has been calling to me, and it’s been confusing and hard. It’s been made very clear to me that we don’t pray to or worship Mary, that Jesus is the only one whom we give our prayers.

But Mary keeps pressing on my heart. I asked rob to teach me the Hail Mary one night, as I felt I had to learn it. The next day? Paula gave me a rosary and said she had gotten it a while ago and felt in her heart that it was time for me

to receive it. Dr Snuffleuffugus said out of the blue I should pray to Mary as well, which was odd considering he is a Buddhist.

I tell myself that it’s ok to love Mary, and ask her to pray for me as well, as I ask all of my friends to pray for me. Who better than Jesus’s mother? I mean, even God needed Mary in order to bring love down.

I heard a speaker tell her story yesterday, and she had quite a story. In 1988 she was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease and was told she would be blind. Her priest sent her to a Pentecostal healing event, and when she got there, the speaker asked “Who wants gold teeth?” She was questioning it all, and was like, “No gold teeth, just my eyesight, thank you very much…”. When she and her friends went back to their hotel room, they looked in each other’s mouths and laughed at how silly it all was. A few days later?

They all had three or four gold teeth appear in their mouths.

The woman said she was upset. “I asked for healing of my eyes, not for gold teeth!” She eventually spoke with a friend who was Jewish who told her that if he had gotten gold teeth from the creator of the universe, he would be on his face giving thanks.

She continued to pray for healing, and eight or so years later, she was at another event, got called up, was touched by the Holy Spirit, and went home. Her sight was fully restored to 20/20, and continues to have perfect sight to this day.

She now goes around telling her story.

If you think back to the Bible with Jesus and the healings he performed, people receive the miracles and then? They told the story. They gave their testimony and testified to what happened. The woman who bled for twelve years, she had heard the story of His healings, believed it could happen, expected to be healed if only she could touch His cloak, and when she did, Jesus told her that her faith had made her well.

She didn’t go home and keep it quiet. She told others, and they told others, and her story is still being told to this day.

Believe, expect, receive, then tell!

The wonderful thing is that Jesus will meet you where you are. He never asked in the Bible why you did what you did, or do things to make up for it before forgiveness comes. He is forgiveness. He takes you by the hand and you don’t look back, you move forward in love.

The speaker discussed signs and wonders and miracles. Some people get caught up in only looking for signs. If you travel on a road, you see signs everywhere, but they have a purpose. They point towards a destination. You don’t continue driving just looking for signs, you keep driving with a destination in mind. The signs just let you know you are on the right road.

Receive the signs and look towards God.

I went up to the speaker and told her my story. She asked if she could pray over me, and then called the priest and another woman. Three people.

They prayed fervently, and then even in tongues. The priest said at the end that whenever I feel scared, say out loud the word “Jesus”. Just saying His name out loud will bring power. The speaker said that sometimes the healing is happening even if the physical scans don’t show it yet, but she felt I was going to be ok.

It was some morning.

I came home and rob and I had a big talk about faith. He said that when people talk in tongues, it’s the language and presence of the Holy Spirit.

I then got some news about a dear friend that I spent the rest of the day praying and crying over. I’m not giving up on her. God put me in that meeting in the morning to remind me of miracles. I’m asking for miracles for me and my friend alycia.

When we get them, our testimony will be so great.

It already is.

We are healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is Valentines Day. People will get cards and flowers and tokens of love. They’ll say “I love you” a little bit more than usual.

There are many people in my town who are grieving today. The loss of a life is always so hard. But this one seems harder.

A police officer.

A friend.

A son.

A husband.

A local.

Someone who lived up to his nickname….”Smiles”.

I’ve read in the past this particular saying that keeps coming to my mind.

“Grief is just love with no place to go.”

The amount of pain and grief is palpable in my town, on Facebook, in texts and phone calls.

It shows how loved he is.

Not was… but is.

The transition of life from here to heaven doesn’t stop the love.

Living with stage four cancer has cleared my vision. Things become cut and dry eventually in many aspects of life.

You see what’s important.

Who shows up.

Your circle becomes clear, and you appreciate those who decided to stay.

Then?

You love those people fiercely and deeply.

It doesn’t mean you don’t send love to everyone, but those in the circle feel it every day… not just on a holiday with red hearts and flowers.

Perhaps though, the holiday is a good reminder to love a little louder, a deeper, a little stronger, a little softer.

To not wait until it’s too late.

To hold those who show up a little closer, and focus on their love.

To be generous with your love and kindness everyday.

To remember a love you had, and know that love never dies. The physical form may be shed, but the light is eternal.

On this Valentine’s Day, I send you all love. Thank you for showing up here every day and sending me your love back.

I feel it… truly.

I love you.

May we all be healed.

May we all find peace.

May we all be surrounded in love.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

I went to the oncologist this week. There is a new lump in the neck, so a scan is being planned in three weeks. I also got multiple injections.

The next day?

I taught all day, and then went to yoga teacher training.

I was there until nine o’clock Friday. Then from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm yesterday. I’m heading back today for another full day.

I had a lot of enlightened moments, and wrote this today on my personal Facebook page.

I think it’s worthy of a blog post… so here it goes…

As a Christian who is going to yoga teacher training, but is also spending hours of research and also doing an online course in physics and energy work…

I was able to piece so much together yesterday.

Yoga teacher training this weekend has brought about a shift in me, and many others in the class. As a teacher, we plan out our lessons for our children, gather materials, and then do the lesson. Only after years and years of teaching do we feel confident to let go of the manuals and textbooks and programs and their rigidity and scripts and truly teach from the heart.

Friday night we were given a task to pick a three to five minute song and prepare a sequence to teach immediately to a small group, then to the whole class. I thought…”This is it. I’ve been feeling like a fake this whole time and now everyone will see.”

But then?

Everyone shined.

Even me.

Fake it till you make it, and in yoga, no matter what you do, if it’s right for you, it’s perfect.

The feelings carried over to yesterday, and there was whimsy and magic and laughter almost all day. I always end up crying sometime during the weekend, and yesterday it happened when my teacher Heidi assisted me as I did a ninety degree angle with my feet on the wall and my torso in a handstand position. As I was upside down, I was shocked I did it, I laughed, everyone clapped, and then I came down and hugged her knees and cried. I dried my face and did it again, alone, without an assist.

I even kicked up to a handstand with cathy. (We both giggled on the car ride home…”Can you BELIEVE we did HANDSTANDS???”)

We also spent a lot of time in the morning listening to dharma talks by each other on the yoga sutras. It’s like the ten commandments, but there are a lot more, and they move through loving kindness.

I chose sutra 1.23, “Ishvara Pranidhanat va”, or surrendering one’s self /ego completely to God. People say “Give it to God” as a tool for when hard times come to your life. But instead of a tool, make it a state of being. Surrender is not failure. Instead, it’s a release of all that does not serve you, and makes room for infinite love.

It’s hard, and takes time and practice to give up the ego, “self”. But when you do, it’s like trading your grain of sand and receiving the universe.

We also talked about staying in the moment. You can never get past the “now”, as “now” is always the moment you are in. It’s when we project the future we become mired in worry or fear. That’s how I was able to do almost ten hours of yoga the past two days, after getting multiple injections and an oncologists concerning look about a new lump in the neck. I stayed in the “now”, and realized had it not been for the cancer, I would not have met Paula or Heidi or attended this training or met these beautiful people

I am spending all of this time with learning and laughing.

We also discussed Karma. Many times people use it for evil people and evil thoughts. “They’ll get theirs”… “I cant wait until Karma hits them in the face.” Everyone has had these thoughts.

But people also use it on themselves…”Why is all of this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? I am a good person…”

This is where the Christian and energy researcher with a bit of Buddhist comes out in me.

Someone said at times they feel like they are carrying a big bag of Karma around, all the negative things that keep happening. Like it’s a penance, almost. As a Christian, I know God wants the best for me. As someone who knows Jesus is my savior and already cleansed me of all sin, Karma isn’t real. As an energy researcher, I’ve learned that nothing is solid, even us. We are all energy, and the speed of our molecules make our physical form. Nothing is real yet everything is real. As a Buddhism inquisitor, I’ve learned that non attachment to feelings brings a greater sense of peace.

Be a mountain.

Name the feeling or upsetting event, make it a cloud, and let it float away.

So as we discussed the big bag of Karma of bad things that have happened to us that we tend to carry around, I said we have another choice.

We can put down the bag.

Step away from the karma sack.

We can acknowledge that there are things that have happened, but don’t carry it. Instead, move forth and stop looking for all the negative things to add to the karma sack. Look for the blessings. Become a blessing and do good. See the light in others and make it brighter. Will bad things still happen? Probably. When they do, bring it to the bag, place it in, you may even sit with the bag for a moment or two, but then keep going.

As you look for the good, do more good and spread more love, you will raise your energy vibration.

High vibrations attract positive emotions and actions and results.

Remember that saying, “Who do you think you are?”

It’s often said in a negative tone.

Remove the tone and ask yourself.

“Who are you? Who do you want to be?”

Then?

Just be.

Eventually, the “Karma bag” gets smaller and smaller if you choose to be light. As you surrender to the lightness, more light comes in. Then?

You become the light.

Pretty deep, right?

I guess standing on my hand and seeing the world upside down can change perspective.

When I told the class I dreamed of a baby and was so happy, I realized that babies always make people smile. They gravitate towards babies.

Perhaps it’s because they were just with God, and are still full of his light and love. Innocent.

We all started that way. Then life happened and in many cases our light is dimmed. But when we see a baby?

Our inner light sees and remembers the love of the higher power, universe, source… or as I believe…

God.

We hold the baby and deep inside, our light remembers.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night, and have been in a detox bath since 4:15 am. No baby dreams. Just itchy skin, hot flashes and jaw/mouth/ear/neck pain.

But I choose to not ask…”Why me? Haven’t I enough to deal with?”

Instead, I’m up sharing in hopes that the light in you may shine a little brighter today after reading this, and in turn my light will shine even brighter as well.

I’ll be praying on my mat today. I received a letter yesterday in the mail from a woman who is looking for help. If I told you how many people ask me for advice or help or guidance in a day, your head would spin.

I dont really help anyone.

I reply, but I think instead of wanting me to tell them what I did, they want something else.

The light.

I think instead, they see how I’ve managed to put down the karma bag and walk free, with light and peace and stillness and love and laughter.

To be in the now.

To know that they are not alone.

That that we are never alone.

And perhaps, knowing that someone sees them, knows what they feel, and still manages to live life…

Perhaps that will help them put down their heavy load, if even for a moment.

Moment by moment…in the now…

That’s how we sometimes need to be.

Let go, let God.

See the light, be the light.

God is within.

We all have the light.

We are all one.

May we all raise our energy vibration,

Ask yourself, “Who do you think you are? Who do you want to be?”

Then be that person.

I know who I am.

I am free.

I am learning to be the light.

I am the daughter of a king, a child of God, a mountain who cannot let clouds cover my light.

I am love.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

It’s finally February. January felt like an entire year. I’ve got an oncology appointment this week along with shots. It was nice to not have to go back for a few weeks, but also nerve wracking as this is a new treatment plan and the last appointment was left with…”Your lymph node may be growing…let’s check it again next appointment.”

I am reading a new book, “How to Starve Cancer”. It’s by Jane MacLellan and she discusses using off label repurposed medications, as well as the ketogenic diet. It’s something I’m considering now, as eating anything has become a test of the mind. Will this feed the cancer or starve it? It’s a hard way to live.

I posted on my Facebook today something that I wanted to share.

I hope it helps others.

Here it goes…

“I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. She is in so much pain, and I love her so much. I thought about her all night. Everyone has pain, and some are masters at keeping their lives together on the outside while on the inside?

It’s hard to keep breathing.

Anger can make you feel like you’re going to die.

When you get angry, it’s actually a different emotion.

Hurt.

All anger stems from hurt.

So when we get hurt by someone, it’s like a grenade goes off when it’s thrown at us, usually by someone we love or trust, but sometimes by strangers.

We feel like our life has exploded, and there is damage everywhere.

Of course we are angry/hurt at the person who threw the bomb at us.

But then there are all the other people around you. Some see your situation and rush to help. Some of those people you don’t even know, but they show up and see you.

Then there are the people around you who continue on as if nothing has happened. They don’t acknowledge that your world has just been blown up, that you are hurt, that you are trying to breathe. “Let’s just move on, shall we? Talking about it won’t help anything, what’s done is done. Carry on!”

That when you have a choice.

As you stand there in the devastation…

do you keep screaming, “Look at me ,

Damnit! At least acknowledge what has happened!”

Or do you take the hands of the people who reach out to you and say,”I see you. Come with me. I’ve got warm blankets and hugs and will listen to your heart and I will hold you when you cry… until the sun shines again, because it will.”

If you take the hand of those who see you and go to another street where it’s peaceful and calm, you may find yourself suddenly dropped back on the old street. The hurt and anger and disbelief at being invisible will come rushing back, but now you know…

There is place where you can go. You can tell yourself, “I choose who matters to me. Make it the people who see me and understand me and acknowledge my pain.”

It’s human nature to go back again and again because you question yourself…”Is it possible that these

People just don’t see me? They just don’t care about my hurt?”

Yes.

It’s possible.

And eventually you accept it, and refocus on the people who do see you, and offer you hugs and warm blankets and shoulders to cry on.

You may go back to that place again and again… and you wonder when you will stop going back.

You don’t go back there until you don’t.

Eventually the hurt fades, and you realize that those people are still in that place where the grenade went off, walking around pretending to not see the truth…. and you are somewhere else, surrounded by peace.

It takes time.

The hurt will fade.

Don’t judge yourself when you find yourself back on the old street. Perhaps you need more lessons to learn about yourself, and eventually, you learn them.

You also learn that your feelings are your feelings, no one can tell you to let it go.

That’s the trick.

Don’t let it go.

Sit with it, and then?

Let it be.

You can’t rush your healing, dear heart.

Eventually you’ll stop looking at the faces of those who look right through your pain, and instead look into the eyes of those who see you right back.

It will happen.

I was going to send this privately, but realized we are all more alike and others may need to hear this.

So here you go.

And know this…

I see you.

I’ve got warm tea and blankets and hugs and a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold and prayers for peace.

I see you.

You can’t rush your healing.

Let it be.

You’ve got time, and time is such a wonderful gift.

I love you, friend…❤️

In Jesus’s name, amen.”

Xoxo

Keri

I’m going to be clear here about something….especially for Bible people who send anonymous messages and have others send messages to stage four cancer patients about yoga.

Yoga means to yoke or Union.

Unless you are in my brain, you don’t know who I am joining myself to. It isn’t a religion, it’s a philosophy.

It now has scientific studies to help cancer patients.

Science is also finally catching up to what the ancient yogis knew-that nothing is solid and everything is moving.

Energy.

It’s also breath-work. I’ve had it work when I’ve had to have my blood pressure taken over because it was high. I’ve used the techniques I’ve learned and it lowered.

So please.

All you bible twisters who use it to scare people, especially stage four cancer patients just trying to find ways to get through the day…

Stop.

Stop using the Bible as a weapon of fear.

Stop judging and “being a good Christian” and maybe read up on what you are twisting.

I know my God.

I know my Jesus.

So stop.

You see…

My ear hurts, I didn’t sleep, and I got another message yesterday on my blog from someone hiding behind the moniker “a caring friend”. My lymph node hurts and my armpit is itchy.

I got another message this week that some people should be blocked because apparently they are judging me, talking about me with friends, and Facebook.

I opened myself up on here to control the rumor mill beast, and maybe also help a person or two.

Some days I really regret it.

Other days I get messages or comments from people thanking me for helping them, or find new research that gives hope.

I’m on a see saw while playing whack a mole over a graveyard.

So I’m throwing this out there.

Don’t unfollow me.

Defriend me please.

Don’t judge me or discuss me.

Maybe look at your own life and see what you should do to change, maybe become someone who doesn’t judge a woman with a terminal illness trying to stay alive.

Don’t tell me yoga will anger God and imply I wont get into heaven, or have my prayers to be healed heard. Keep your scary twisty versions to yourself, thank you very much.

That’s it.

I’m posting this to my blog as well, because yesterday I got a twisted ignorant message.

I’ll pray you, “a caring friend”.

See?

THAT is what a good Christian does.

May my ear stop hurting, my lymph clear up, and all cancer be gone.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

In Yoga Teacher Training, each of us had to give a Dharma Talk. We were to weave some of the yoga principals into a talk that was personal to us. I chose the theme of “Surrender”. This was my talk….

“Surrender, Clouds, Leave it on the Mat but take it all with you”Niyama (personal Observance)

I chose Isvara pranidhani because the past two years I have been learning to surrender to God. I’m still working on that, as I still want what I want….Complete healing from breast cancer, and forty more years to watch my children grow up.

When I was first diagosed, I was graspng, in a state of panic. Eat organic? Give me all the kale. Do the Gerson therapy? Bring me to the Giving Room for all the juices. Fasting? I wont eat for days if I have to. Exercise? I’ll get a rebounder and do yoga and qi gong, and walk a 5k. I was doing everything…and what I needed most to do was nothing.

Be still and breathe.

The cancer diagnosis was a huge cloud that made it hard for me to see. I went to a meditation class and the teacher explained we are mountains, and everything else is clouds. Notice the cloud, name it for what it is…fear, anxiety, anger, sadness…then let it float away. Just let it be, and be. I prayed and truly learned what “Thy will be done” really means…

Isvara pranidhani.

Isvara pranidhani-Celebration of the spiritual-“Lay all your actions at the feet of God” It is the contemplation on God “Isvara”, in order to become attuned to God and God’s Will. Ishvara pranidhana focuses not on ego but on the sacred ground of being, it reunites us with our true Self. As Indian yoga master B. K. S. Iyengar states in his Light on the Yoga Sutras, “Through surrender the aspirant’s ego is effaced, and…grace…pours down upon him like a torrential rain.”

Ishvara pranidhana provides a pathway through the obstacles of our ego …the clouds we try desperately to blow away….and it sends us toward our divine nature—grace, peace, unconditional love, clarity, and freedom.

As humans, we carry with us an expectation of something in return for our dedication. I ate the kale, I drank the juice, I did the yoga, I breathed, I forgave…Why do I still have cancer? But it is not for me to know the answer to my why’s, for the act or surrender to the why’s is what will me wise.

Yet I still I want results. So I come to my yoga mat and breathe. I want peace and joy and love. I want to be a better human being. I want to be healed. How many of us can say we would keep returning to the cushion or mat if we hadn’t at least once felt our bodies opening and our hearts responding? We find peace and surrender at our mat, and faith that as we surrender, so shall we be saved.

I believe it is this unshakable faith and devotion that ishvara pranidhana, the final of the five Niyamas, wants us to cultivate. It can be translated as “devoting oneself entirely to the Divine,” and Patanjali mentions it more than any other Yama or Niyama.

The gentle voice in the Yoga Sutras that began with ahimsa, saying—Let go of who you think you are, and become who you truly are—becomes a roar.

We have to surrender from the “I” and return to love.

Because love is all there is.

When we surrender we see through the eyes of love, we start to accept life in its crazy, beautiful entirety, and in doing so we free ourselves up to do what makes our heart sing. We begin to let the divine spark inside us express itself. Life becomes an adventure.

But the challenge is we have to trust the outcome. When we are fully surrendering, we have no expectations.

I am not looking for peace. I am peace.

I am not looking to be made perfect. I am perfect.

I am not looking to be healed. I am healed.

I am not looking to be made whole. I am whole.

I am not looking for love. I am love.

I practice yoga for the love of yoga, not because I want to be a better person or think yoga is necessary. I practice yoga so I can live in the present, and become wholly open to what is, and devoted to love for love’s sake.

It’s difficult to surrender when times are hard, clouds cover you in your mountain, and it becomes so dark. Yet I have learned things in the dark that I could have never learned in the light. Things that saved my life over and over again. There is only one logical conclusion…I need the dark as much as I need the light. Healing is a process, it ebbs and flows, like the phases of the moon. “All in all, the moon is a truer reflection for my soul than the sun that looks the same way every day. “_Barbara Brown Taylor.

So I will continue to dance under the moon in the dark, surrendering to the push and pull on my soul. When you surrender and let go…love flows gently in. I am learning to leave all of my ego and expectations on the mat, and take all of the love I get in return with me when I leave.

May it be so.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

It’s hard to get everything done in the morning, between chemos, supplements, teas, packing for the day, mouthswishing, juicing celery juice, cutting the lemon for the water, adding Manuka honey to the chaga…

I just have to get up earlier.

I’m sore today.

It was an intense weekend at Yoga Teacher Training. Friday night I gave my dharma talk to the class, and that took all of my energy to get through it.

Saturday we did a lot of assists and wrote up practicals, and I arranged for Qi gong after class as an offering to the other teachers. Yesterday I made corn muffins and a crock pot of chili to feed the class.

I think I feel like a fraud sometimes in class, surrounded by others who have so much more time to devote to the practice, and know all of the meanings of the hard to pronounce words for poses and what the koshas, bandhis and sutras are. So I fed everyone chili.

But near the end of class, after I admitted my energy was way off, my friend laura came over and told me that it’s normal. The first time she took teacher training she felt the same way. It made me feel so much better. Then she gave her talk on the sutras and it all clicked.

I’m out of my comfort zone…

But I’m still in the game.

Im grateful to be able to play.

Saturday we did crow pose, where you lift up your body and rest your knees on your elbows. I couldnt get up, and only one foot could come up. It was frustrating.

Yesterday?

I focused, put a blanket in front of my head so I had a cushion when I face planted, (which apparently I’m an expert at), took a deep breath, Rose up on my tiptoes, slowly bent my knees and car down and spread my knees wide, put my hands down shoulder width apart, rested my knees above my elbows, squeezed my arms into my chest, lifted my hips high, lifted my feet off the ground…

And I flew.

I shocked myself and fell over from the shock.

The I did it again.

And again.

At the end of the public class I showed

everyone I finally did it. Paula took a picture for me.

Instead of looking at myself with a critical eye…the wig looked off kilter, I’ve gained weight from the chemos, why the heck did I wear patterned pants?

I saw me.

Flying.

Strong enough to hold the weight of my body up in suspension.

Not giving up.

It felt good.

I may be a crow in kindergarten today.

We will see if my achey body allows.

Today is Monday.

It’s a new day, a new work week.

A new chance to start over.

May we all have a beautiful week full of peace, joy and love…

And healing.

ALL the healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I woke up yesterday and decided to keep rob company as he ran from job to job. Even though I was exhausted from no sleep, pain from all of the injections the day before, liver tenderness and UTI pain, I wanted to just ride in the car with him. We spent the day before in the car driving from the hospital to Queens and it was stressful. I just wanted to hear Christmas music and not cry.

He was able to drop me off at the giving room and I had some organic cinnamon buns and celery juice and a coffee smoothie. I laughed with Paula and Andrea and it felt good after such a long day the day before. I put on my rose gold wig and felt normal.

When we came home, I packed up some of my best cancer books, some inspirational books, and some soup and juices and miso for a new friend.

The bond that forms almost immediately when you meet someone in the arena with you is hard to explain.

You can just look into each other’s eyes and sit with the fear and pain,even if it’s a caregiver.

But you can also use the four letter magic word… hope.

Hope comes from faith.

Faith gives you strength.

Strength helps you love.

Love heals.

We sat for a while and it was one of those “God whisper” moments for me. I knew I had to see her, and felt almost manic until I did. I don’t remember a lot of what I said, sometimes I knew my eyes looked off to the side, words came out, and then I thought…”I hope that was ok to say.”

I left and heard from another friend who I sent to my friend Jennifer Williamson. She had a healing experience and was glad she went.

My friend Amy texted to see if I got my lab results, and when I went to check my email…. there it was.

The email from my oncologist.

The fact that she used THREE exclamation points two times and also used the word great is huge for her. The tumor shrank almost in half.

Listen, I pushed for the MRI for two reasons. One was medical. I wanted a baseline because I hadn’t been in treatment for the liver for a good six weeks and if there had been more lesions, I wanted a true reading to compare again in eight weeks.

The other was a God whisper. I wanted one because Odile had been working so hard energetically and I felt it. I had prayed that we would do the MRI and it would be clean.

A miracle.

I’m so thankful that door number two was the one that opened.

I sent the email to family and friends and Facebook. It’s amazing the support people give. Once again, because of Facebook, it was an amazing day to share great news. I also emailed Donnie and Odile. I’ll email Snuffleuffugus next week when I’m ready for the new batch.

Then I slept on the couch for about an hour. Do I know how to celebrate or what?

I also discussed with Rob going to the Annie Appleseed conference. We went two years ago and it was amazing. The lineup Annie has now for this year?

Huge.

There are people in the cancer world who have gone viral. One is Chris wark. “How Chris Beat Cancer”. He has interviewed many people who have achieved remission. He will be there. I had a God whisper and contacted two other women I’ve come to know who have huge followings. Nalie Augustin and Stephanie Seban. They connected through cancer and have become best friends. They are even writing a book. They also use my herbalist and I had sent them pictures and told them about my meeting. We all messaged back and forth and I’m now trying to connect the dots and find a way to have Nalie fly from Montreal and meet Stephanie at the conference. We four women… Ann, Stephanie, Nalie and myself can all be with him in one place. Nalie has over sixty one thousand followers, and by spreading Ann’s Appleseed foundation, so many more people can be helped.

Fortuitous intersections and placing people in each other’s paths.

I’m praying it all comes together.

I had dinner with the kids and then tackled organizing all of my supplements. It’s overwhelming. This morning I’ll finish filling all of the ziplock bags.

I slept on and off last night. In my groups they say insomnia hits with these medications. I’ll have to work at sleeping better.

I woke up to the news that another friend I’ve made has passed. Sarah Day, thank you for your friendship and love. I’ll miss you.

I’m tired of friends passing away. I’ve now lost count…. yet each one is a mark on my heart.

Today we may try to see a movie. I was supposed to spend the day getting injections at the hospital. Because I emailed and my oncologist is a rock star and knows how mentally draining it can be to visit, she got me everything I needed Wednesday .

I cant believe it’s Friday. My vacation wasn’t much of a vacation, so I’m hoping to salvage it.

Nothing will change for me because of the news yesterday, other than the feeling of fear. I almost emailed the Boston doctor and wrote,”Dubious plan, my ass! Suck it!”

But I didnt.

My oncologist feels it was the tamoxifen, but we added the tamoxifen for the breast, not the liver.

I think it was the celery juice every morning, the hardcore sticking to the pills regime, the meditation, the reconnective energy work with Jennifer Williamson, the energy healing with Odile, the juicing from paula, the organic food, the fasting, the prayer, setting boundaries emotionally, a bit of the tamoxifen, faith in my oncologist and team, Rob holding me up, and Mary and Jesus and God and angels and prayers.

I’ll keep doing it all.

I realized it was my nanny’s birthday when I got the big news. Big things in this journey always happen on holidays or birthdays.

Thank you, Nanny.

I really needed to end the year on a good note. It’s been a while since I had a good scan.

Today may healing continue and the path be easy.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

My Christmas was not at all what I had expected. I was up up all Christmas Eve night with pain and some bleeding. I still managed to get in a quick Christmas snuggle with my three kids and continue our tradition.

Christmas morning I met a friend who was able to test my urine and I had a raging infection. We spent the morning on the phone with the oncologist on call. He checked for an antibiotic that I could take, then we threw the kids in the car in their pajamas and drive forty five minutes away to get the medication.

Then, we got news a stomach bug hit my sisters house, where we were supposed to go. I felt horrible for her and her husband. They had been preparing for days to make it a special Christmas. Instead, we needed up hosting and had a small Christmas here with my mom and dad, my sisters mother in law, au pair from Germany and two of my nieces. It needed up being lovely and calm and peaceful.

The next day I went to the hospital for the MRI. What a way to spend the day after Christmas.

On the way to the hospital I told rob, dad, paula, and sister jill that I thought my doctor would admit me. The pain in the liver was scary, it hurt to bend, and I had the doctors voice from Boston in my head…”Your liver may function now, but it can go very quickly.” Cried on the way in and rob held my hand.

At least I made through Christmas.

That’s how the mind works.

Which is why people with stage four are emotionally exhausted and mentally all…of…the…time.

I prayed to God and He showed up.

My technician Wayne came for me immediately and we picked up our conversation where we left off six weeks ago. The MRI was about 45 minutes, and I listened to Christmas music among the banging and whizzing and beeping. The contrast burned as it went in at the end and I did my best to not cry and move in the tube.

When I finished I had to go get another needlestick for labwork. We had kept the IV in from the MRI hoping to avoid another needle, but couldn’t use it. The tech was new but kind, and as I became overwhelmed and cried because they didn’t have a vein finder, she cried too. And got it in one stick.

Then we got news that my doctor got my email and ordered all of the injections, saving me a trip tomorrow back to the hospital. So off I went to pull down my pants and bend over and two nurses slowly inject the fassy in the assy. I got two warm packs, sat down, pulled my pants low again and got the zolodex. My belly skin gets pinched, the needle is inserted, the trigger gets pulled and coils release a pellet into my stomach. It hurts like hell.

Then the blood tech realized she missed a test, but the IV was still in, and one of my chemo nurses was able to get blood from it. Thank you Jesus.

I was handed a cup and off I went to give another specimen.

Then we left.

I hadnt eaten so we went to the cheesecake factory for breakfast. I had eggs and spinach and mushrooms. When I went to do the mouthwash in the bathroom, I got sick. Panic set in again, with the mind saying, “vomiting is next with liver failure after pain….”

Paula sent me a picture of an angel, and we both gasped. It looks like the other angel pictures I have. I believe in angels around me. It is comforting.

Rob had gotten the car, and when I got in and told him I had gotten sick, he went right into Rob mode. Reminded me the labwork shows liver function is fine, get the Boston doctor out of my head. I think I got sick because of stress and pain. My body just released everything, and I was empty for Snuffleuffugus.

Snuffy called me and asked me to come to his apartment to get him, as his computer and printer are broken as could we bring him to get it fixed.

We pulled up and rob helped him carry his things to the car. I love Snuffy. We went to the diner and they all know him, as he just walks to a table and sets up shop. We got right to business and he took my pulse the traditional Chinese medicine way. He closed his eyes and said my stamina was low. Imagine if it was high?

He looked at my tongue, skin, eyes, breathing, voice, urged me to keep drinking water, and made me eat. I had lentil soup.

He looked over everything. One thing he pointed out was a specific number from the original biopsy that was high, and how it is different on the liver. It’s a question to ask doctor now. He also said he wasn’t worried the pain now is from liver failure. He thinks his tea and the medicine are causing the liver pain. I’ll go with healing over failure any day.

We discussed how he helps many of my friends. In the cancer world, there are people now making a living off of blogging and documenting their lives, writing books. I’m talking thousand of followers. Two of them use him, and he said he doesn’t take many patients anymore, because they all weigh so heavy on his heart. I messaged the two “famous” women to let them know I met him and he loves them. We have a secret snuffy society. Some of you reading know him, and love him too.

He said it’s better there are many small mets instead of a few big tumors. It’s easier to treat. He will add things to ease anxiety and help me sleep, and strengthen stamina. He said my chi is strong. When the organ is strong, cancer won’t spread. That’s the universal truth. I was showing him a picture of my children when paula texted me one word…”amen”.

He saw that and asked what it meant. I told him I had updated her, and that many of my friend pray for me.

That’s when it happened.

He looked at me and told me his wife is a violin teacher, and one time played in Portugal… for the celebration of Fatima.

I gasped and looked at rob and started to cry. He told us his wife saw the Virgin Mary and there was a picture of her that was taken and sent to the bishop. He verified it.

Now his wife prays to Mary three times a day… and is a Buddhist. He told me it is ok to pray to Mary too, she will hear me. Even God needed Mary to complete his work of sending Jesus down.

We stayed for two hours because we could tell he didn’t want to leave. He is lonely, and all of his family is in Hong Kong. He misses them deeply. We drove to staples and rob and I carried in his computer. The girl that worked there initially was aggravated with him, as he is hard to understand due to a stroke and his accent. I wanted to say “Dont you know who he is? He is saving lives! Be gentle!”

He walked away for a minute, and she turned to us and asked how she could help us. We both looked at her and said, “We are with him. He is our friend and we are making sure everything is ok.”

Her demeanor instantly changed toward snuff and became kind and gentle. Amen.

Rob said he wanted to just buy him a new computer and printer. Snuffy doesn’t charge much at all considering what I am paying others. He is a humble man, and lives a very modest life. This is his passion and gift. A true healer.

As we left him, he told me again he has confidence I will be ok. It will be a long journey, always keep bags packed, and it will be bumpy. Keep praying and work with him. Then he hugged me. I said over and over in his ear how I loved him. He said goodbye to rob and gave him a thumbs up.

Then he shuffled away.

We drove home mostly silent.

It had been a day.

Then my friend paula texted me how they discovered carbon monoxide in her home and the fireman said she was almost the story you hear about on the news . She had been falling asleep earlier and her dogs had been bothering her for days. They knew. Thank you God for saving Paula. All of you need to check your CO2 detectors for the new year.

So here I am today.

Sore, exhausted yet can’t sleep, and got an email to start the chemo again.

I plan on mostly staying home unless I run out for something. Yesterday was a hell of a day.

Today will be a healing day.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It’s Christmas Eve.

It feels like only yesterday it was Thanksgiving and we were scrambling to get paperwork together to go to Boston. That trip sucked all of my hope out for weeks. In a way it’s a good thing it was the Christmas season so I was surrounded by the story of love.

Yesterday my kids had the Christmas pageant at church and we even had a real baby Jesus. I have always loved the story of his birth, and hoped seeing the pageant would help me get the spirit. I loved seeing my kids in it, but it didn’t.

Maddie was invited to a friends house, and Morgan and quinn went to another. That gave rob and I enough time to wrap their gifts. There’s not a lot. But they’ll be happy.

They’ve still got me, and two years ago we thought it was my last Christmas. I’ll slap a bow on me tomorrow morning with a forty year warranty.

Morgan never had a birthday party with friends, and with this upcoming week being busy with MRI and injections and such, I told her she could invite a few friends over for a sleepover. So I found myself last night making chocolate chip cookies, Oreo truffles, fudge, and peanut butter kids drop cookies. I finally cleaned up the kitchen and got the girls all tucked in and lights out at 10:30.

Now?

The tamoxifen has me up, heart racing and sweating.

Today I’ll get the girls bagels, then do last minute running around. Robs parents said they will stop by for a quick Christmas Eve dinner so I’m getting what I need.

I think we may go to robs church tonight. I’m hoping hearing the Christmas story on Christmas Eve will bring me the spirit.

I find myself drawn more and more to Mary. I bet she didn’t feel the Christmas spirit either on that first Christmas Eve. She was a teenager who just traveled with her husband, a Virgin pregnant with a baby who she was told would be the Savior.

The King of Kings.

But this king didn’t come with all you would think. No servants to fetch her water or rub her feet or swollen ankles. No caravan to bring her to Bethlehem. Not even a room with a view when it was time to deliver.

She labored, pushed, and probably missed her mom. All she had was her husband, and even he wanted to leave her at first until the angel came to him as well.

Mary didn’t have it easy.

Sure, she lived to see Jesus perform miracles. Raising the dead, restoring sight, healing all sorts of afflictions.

That’s my son! I’m so proud.” I wonder how often she thought that.

We know eventually what happened to that baby, and how his mother had to watch him years after that night in the stable come to be tortured, crucified and die on the cross.

Watching your child die is a pain no one should ever suffer.

Yes, she saw him rise from the dead, but pain, sorrow and grief must have washed over her like a tidal wave for those three days.

The trials of Mary were great.

Her faith was greater.

Rob and I stopped in an antique shop yesterday. I saw an old cracked, dirty religious statue of Mary, holding an orb, which the man said was the Earth.

It was from the early 1900’s, and the moment I saw it I cried. Rob bought it for me as my Christmas gift. I held it like a baby and was filled with love. There were a bunch of elephant statues all over the store, and the man looked at me and gave me a golden elephant. I cried again, and told him how elephants have a P53 mutations and don’t get cancer.

The treasures you find in other peoples trash.

Maybe tonight as rob and I take our children to the church we were married in will be when I get the Christmas spirit. But perhaps I’ve missed the real reason why this time doesn’t feel different.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had the spirit all along.

Just like Dorothy from the wizard of Oz, when Glinda tells her she always had the power to click her heels three times and say “There’s no place like home.”

Perhaps it doesn’t feel different because some people need the season to remember the reason, and I’ve got the reason in my heart every day, no matter the season.

Today may everyone take a moment to read the Christmas story. Take out your bible or google it. Read it to your kids. Not a Santa story of how Santa comes down the chimney, but the story of Jesus, and how love came down from heaven at Christmas. How a teenage girl believed, and her husband soon followed, and together they welcome love into a stable, surrounded by animals. How the heavens opened up and angels sang, and shepherds saw them. How three wise men came bearing gifts and worshiped a little babe.

And how that one birthday is still celebrated all over the world. In a time when there were no cameras, no internet, no GPS, no Alexa or Siri, no social media… a birth of a baby in a stable went viral.

Amazing.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

“No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.”

― George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”- Khalil Gibrand from The Prophet

“One word

Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.”

― Sophocles

Luke 2:1-20

1] And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.

[2] (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

[3] And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

[4] And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

[5] To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

[6] And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

[7] And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

[8] And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

[9] And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

[10] And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

[11] For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

[12] And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

[13] And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

[14] Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

[15] And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

[16] And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

[17] And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

[18] And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

[19] But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

[20] And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Xoxo

Keri