I went to the oncologist this week. There is a new lump in the neck, so a scan is being planned in three weeks. I also got multiple injections.

The next day?

I taught all day, and then went to yoga teacher training.

I was there until nine o’clock Friday. Then from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm yesterday. I’m heading back today for another full day.

I had a lot of enlightened moments, and wrote this today on my personal Facebook page.

I think it’s worthy of a blog post… so here it goes…

As a Christian who is going to yoga teacher training, but is also spending hours of research and also doing an online course in physics and energy work…

I was able to piece so much together yesterday.

Yoga teacher training this weekend has brought about a shift in me, and many others in the class. As a teacher, we plan out our lessons for our children, gather materials, and then do the lesson. Only after years and years of teaching do we feel confident to let go of the manuals and textbooks and programs and their rigidity and scripts and truly teach from the heart.

Friday night we were given a task to pick a three to five minute song and prepare a sequence to teach immediately to a small group, then to the whole class. I thought…”This is it. I’ve been feeling like a fake this whole time and now everyone will see.”

But then?

Everyone shined.

Even me.

Fake it till you make it, and in yoga, no matter what you do, if it’s right for you, it’s perfect.

The feelings carried over to yesterday, and there was whimsy and magic and laughter almost all day. I always end up crying sometime during the weekend, and yesterday it happened when my teacher Heidi assisted me as I did a ninety degree angle with my feet on the wall and my torso in a handstand position. As I was upside down, I was shocked I did it, I laughed, everyone clapped, and then I came down and hugged her knees and cried. I dried my face and did it again, alone, without an assist.

I even kicked up to a handstand with cathy. (We both giggled on the car ride home…”Can you BELIEVE we did HANDSTANDS???”)

We also spent a lot of time in the morning listening to dharma talks by each other on the yoga sutras. It’s like the ten commandments, but there are a lot more, and they move through loving kindness.

I chose sutra 1.23, “Ishvara Pranidhanat va”, or surrendering one’s self /ego completely to God. People say “Give it to God” as a tool for when hard times come to your life. But instead of a tool, make it a state of being. Surrender is not failure. Instead, it’s a release of all that does not serve you, and makes room for infinite love.

It’s hard, and takes time and practice to give up the ego, “self”. But when you do, it’s like trading your grain of sand and receiving the universe.

We also talked about staying in the moment. You can never get past the “now”, as “now” is always the moment you are in. It’s when we project the future we become mired in worry or fear. That’s how I was able to do almost ten hours of yoga the past two days, after getting multiple injections and an oncologists concerning look about a new lump in the neck. I stayed in the “now”, and realized had it not been for the cancer, I would not have met Paula or Heidi or attended this training or met these beautiful people

I am spending all of this time with learning and laughing.

We also discussed Karma. Many times people use it for evil people and evil thoughts. “They’ll get theirs”… “I cant wait until Karma hits them in the face.” Everyone has had these thoughts.

But people also use it on themselves…”Why is all of this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? I am a good person…”

This is where the Christian and energy researcher with a bit of Buddhist comes out in me.

Someone said at times they feel like they are carrying a big bag of Karma around, all the negative things that keep happening. Like it’s a penance, almost. As a Christian, I know God wants the best for me. As someone who knows Jesus is my savior and already cleansed me of all sin, Karma isn’t real. As an energy researcher, I’ve learned that nothing is solid, even us. We are all energy, and the speed of our molecules make our physical form. Nothing is real yet everything is real. As a Buddhism inquisitor, I’ve learned that non attachment to feelings brings a greater sense of peace.

Be a mountain.

Name the feeling or upsetting event, make it a cloud, and let it float away.

So as we discussed the big bag of Karma of bad things that have happened to us that we tend to carry around, I said we have another choice.

We can put down the bag.

Step away from the karma sack.

We can acknowledge that there are things that have happened, but don’t carry it. Instead, move forth and stop looking for all the negative things to add to the karma sack. Look for the blessings. Become a blessing and do good. See the light in others and make it brighter. Will bad things still happen? Probably. When they do, bring it to the bag, place it in, you may even sit with the bag for a moment or two, but then keep going.

As you look for the good, do more good and spread more love, you will raise your energy vibration.

High vibrations attract positive emotions and actions and results.

Remember that saying, “Who do you think you are?”

It’s often said in a negative tone.

Remove the tone and ask yourself.

“Who are you? Who do you want to be?”

Then?

Just be.

Eventually, the “Karma bag” gets smaller and smaller if you choose to be light. As you surrender to the lightness, more light comes in. Then?

You become the light.

Pretty deep, right?

I guess standing on my hand and seeing the world upside down can change perspective.

When I told the class I dreamed of a baby and was so happy, I realized that babies always make people smile. They gravitate towards babies.

Perhaps it’s because they were just with God, and are still full of his light and love. Innocent.

We all started that way. Then life happened and in many cases our light is dimmed. But when we see a baby?

Our inner light sees and remembers the love of the higher power, universe, source… or as I believe…

God.

We hold the baby and deep inside, our light remembers.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night, and have been in a detox bath since 4:15 am. No baby dreams. Just itchy skin, hot flashes and jaw/mouth/ear/neck pain.

But I choose to not ask…”Why me? Haven’t I enough to deal with?”

Instead, I’m up sharing in hopes that the light in you may shine a little brighter today after reading this, and in turn my light will shine even brighter as well.

I’ll be praying on my mat today. I received a letter yesterday in the mail from a woman who is looking for help. If I told you how many people ask me for advice or help or guidance in a day, your head would spin.

I dont really help anyone.

I reply, but I think instead of wanting me to tell them what I did, they want something else.

The light.

I think instead, they see how I’ve managed to put down the karma bag and walk free, with light and peace and stillness and love and laughter.

To be in the now.

To know that they are not alone.

That that we are never alone.

And perhaps, knowing that someone sees them, knows what they feel, and still manages to live life…

Perhaps that will help them put down their heavy load, if even for a moment.

Moment by moment…in the now…

That’s how we sometimes need to be.

Let go, let God.

See the light, be the light.

God is within.

We all have the light.

We are all one.

May we all raise our energy vibration,

Ask yourself, “Who do you think you are? Who do you want to be?”

Then be that person.

I know who I am.

I am free.

I am learning to be the light.

I am the daughter of a king, a child of God, a mountain who cannot let clouds cover my light.

I am love.

I am healed.

In Jesus’s name, amen.