For some reason, I’m having a harder time shaking off the dark thoughts.

The bad story I tell myself.

I touched on Brene Brown yesterday and the Louise Hay quote she mentioned.

How we all tell ourselves stories all day long, and many times, the first story we tell ourselves is a “sh*tty first draft”.

I’ve been crumpling up the sh*tty first drafts non stop for the past two days.

It’s easier to tell yourself bad stories with a bad ending when your body is in pain.

“Your jaw hurts? It’s because the xgeva causes bone death in advanced stage cancer patients. Get ready for crumble jaw and slurping dinner through a straw”.

“That ache in your bones? That’s the cancer spreading to where the xgeva didn’t get to yet.”

“That headache? That’s either the chemo side effect or… it’s spreading to the brain… or brain cancer is starting.”

“Maddie has decided to wear a dress to the ball and you have to go get one today? Better enjoy it. Statistics say you won’t be here for her prom.”

See how sh*tty the first draft can be?

And that’s all my mind telling me the story.

MY OWN MIND!

ME!!!!

Then I furiously write and tell a second and third draft. But the first draft is always the bad one.

We all do it.

We all have to learn to stand up and throw it out.

I got through the day, stood up for myself and children again, and realized I’ve recently stopped letting things go that others let go. If I see something is wrong, I say something. But then I let go of the emotions attached.

We need to all do the right thing, all the time. If people become bystanders, then they become accomplices. I want to be known as the person who stands for what’s right, and speaks up and out against what’s wrong.

We came home yesterday and I went to the couch. I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Rob made a fire because he knows that even when oncology appointments go well, they are hard. I got two beautiful rocks that someone left on my stoop.

Rock on, friends.

I started the Brene Brown book, and the kids started to watch the second Lord of the Rings movie. I put down the book and was transported to middle earth. Quinn snuggled on top of me and I surprisingly stayed awake.

I think it’s because I also had Morgan laying on me and the dog up against me as well.

My tribe surrounds me when it’s hard.

I realized that Gollum, the character everyone knows as the ugly, deformed, evil part of Sméagol, is the writer of my sh*tty first drafts. Gollum is always whispering, abusing, and making Sméagol miserable. Sméagol just wants to be free.

For a time he is.

Then Gollum takes over again.

My inner Sméagol is stronger.

Sometimes Gollum wins, but Sméagol evntualy takes back the pen and writes a better story.

Frodo has been given a task and is surrounded by others to help him. He doesn’t know why he was chosen, but he accepts the task and quest.

He meets a wizard, Gandalf, who also tends to show up when most needed. He imparts wisdom and strength, and when he shows up, you know all will be well, especially when he changes from Grey robes to bright brilliant white robes.

He probably felt like Mary, who instead of a ring, received the task of delivering a King.

There was a new female introduced and she wanted to be a healer. But she was also so strong. I loved her.

Eowyn.🙌🏻

My favorite character is Samwise.

Sam the Brave.

He stays by Frodo’s side, and when things get too hard, he says he will carry Frodo. San can’t complete the task, but he can help Frodo get to where he needs to go.

Rob is my Sam.

It’s an amazing movie with so many quotes. So much heartache and acts of bravery and courage.

Heroes.

Sometimes a girl needs to go to Middle Earth to remember how to move on.

And how to quiet the inner Gollum inside.

Yesterday someone emailed me and asked me to teach her how to pray. I was shocked, felt privileged, and also felt sad that someone felt they needed to be taught how to pray.

There’s no right or wrong way.

Just ask Jesus.

As for me, I am always telling God how much I love Him and how good He is. I ask for things for myself and others, and the thing is, nothing is too big for us to ask Him to do. I mean, He IS God. I thank Him for all of my blessings and even name them. It makes me realize how much I have to be thankful for. Then I end by letting God know that I am asking in Jesus’s name, because Jesus died for me, took my sins, and wants only the best for me.

So today, pray.

Don’t feel like you don’t know how or aren’t worthy.

You ARE worthy.

You ARE loved.

You ARE forgiven.

God, you are so amazing. Thank you for everyone who supports me here on Earth as I follow your will. Please help my friend who asked me to pray and teach her to pray, and be with all of those who seek good health and forgiveness and love. I ask this in Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

PS. Let today be the first of many many many dress shopping experiences with my girls.❤️

When I go to the cancer center, I always try to wear fun socks and an interesting tee shirt. It makes the ladies laugh and remember me. If I have time, I also wear my weave. It’s a Halo, and super easy to put on. I even gave it a name… Blair.

Blair makes me feel better.

I had my blood taken and gave the nurse my blog website. Then it was time to see the oncologist.

She had a young man with her, a fellow who was graduating. We updated her and discussed our concerns about the jaw pain and general joint pain. Apparently, osteonecrosis is a trigger word, and she whipped out a light and began to look in my mouth. Sometimes, the medicine can be worse than the disease. Don’t look it up, there are horrifying statistics and pictures that make your jaw drop…

pun not intended.

As for the infrared sauna we’ve built out part of our basement for, she said no. The relief I have been looking for because my bones feel like an old woman’s bones won’t be coming. You see, there’s been a little side issue of a complication with me that’s really rare and some other scientist told me that not only will breast cancer set up shop, but brain cancer and all sorts of other cancers are planning and preparing to join the party, so I have to limit all radiation.

It hasn’t been the greatest year.

Now I’ve got to call my dentist and have him check me out, but he can’t take X-rays, then maybe head to the oncologist dentist that specializes in ONJ.

The good news is as she was palpating my breasts, I was teaching the young fellow about how to never tell a patient they only have weeks or months left and my oncologist said she was still in shock that was ever said to me. I said that I actually believe I am one of the rare cases, (Because rare is how I roll), of oligometastatic disease, and she agreed. I even asked again if it’s possible, and she said yes. It’s a new term, and not many oncologists will agree to it.

Mine did yesterday.

If you look up that term, and get past the stuff that takes your breath away, they actually say that there is a chance for cure. They discuss metamasectomies, radiation, intense targeted treatments… but write the word cure. I’ll try to not think about the other treatments, look at the word cure, and hold onto that, instead of the pictures of people with disintegrating jaw bones that I also saw in my google travels.

I invited the young fellow to come feel my breasts, and he did. He gave me such a thorough exam he even brought out a tape measure to hold against my breast. I refrained from saying “Now that you’ve measured mine…”

Instead I said he was measuring the cancer carcasses.

My doctor had said last visit she would only do breast scans, but yesterday decided she wants a full body MRI in March.

I told her I knew that was coming, as my energy worker said that would happen, but not to worry, that it would be clear. My oncologist just shook her head.

She said to us that patients who attack this with all different modalities tend to do better.

I’m planning on it.

As we walked out, the ladies at the desk said goodbye. I gave them my blog website too, and told them that what they see all day long isn’t MY story. I told them to look at my blog, I’m writing my own story.

We left, then I cried all the way home.

Confession?

I fake it all the time.

I fake feeling great.

I fake my jaw not hurting.

I wear fake hair when I can.

I stay super busy so I’m not on the couch all day like I want to be.

I fake it so no one gets tired of looking at sad sack Keri who is always exhausted and sore and constantly fighting to stay out of the dark place and hold onto the light.

Fake it till you make it.

Some days it works and I feel better.

Some days it doesn’t, but no one’s the wiser.

A friend sent me this as I was trying to breathe.

I went to my parents and picked up my kids. I took a moment to just be still.

My mom held me on the couch, I laid my head on her lap, she stroked and kissed my head, and I cried and tried to not let the kids see or hear me.

On the way home from the center I played my Jesus music. A song played and I heard it in my head as my mom held me.

“I wanna go back,

To Jesus loves me,

This I know,

For the Bible tells me,

For the Bible tells me so”.

But I cant go back to being a little girl.

So I go forward.

But I know Jesus loves me, because my mom brought me to Sunday school, even when she had to walk through the snow and pull me on a sled.

Thank you, mom. Because you did that, I’ve got Jesus in my heart.

I have to go for more bloodwork in two weeks because they said yesterday it’s like I’ve started from ground zero again in regards to the chemo. Add that and the surgery and that explain the more hair loss.

Another oncology visit in four weeks.

A full body MRI in March, with only one injection, and NOT the one that may be causing my jaw issues.

That’s fine by me.

My Chinese herbalist said he didn’t want me to take it anyway.

I know im sharing a lot.

Here’s the thing.

There’s a lot of people on here going through crap.

You’re not alone.

I’m sharing… oversharing… so you can know that you’re not alone.

We are all in the arena.

We didn’t ask to be in it, but we are.

I laid on the couch and was kept company by Kasha the wonder dog. She stayed by my side all night.

I was sent a video by Paula with Oprah talking to Brene Brown.

She was discussing rising up. She said at one point that we all tell ourselves stories, and that our first draft is a “shitty first draft”.

That’s what I did on my car ride home. The dark place is the shorty first draft where my mind tells me the nightmare story.

Then I throw that one out, keep the touchpoints, rewrite it and fill it with faith, hope, Love, and Jesus.

There’s a reckoning, then a rumble, then a rising.

Yesterday was the reckoning…again. With stage four, there’s lots of reckoning.

Now it’s the rumble.

I’m letting you all see me rumble, so you can see it as it happens. Pick up some tips. Know I’m here with you, and maybe you don’t feel so alone.

I have opened myself up here, and it’s a pretty vulnerable spot to be in, especially when already in a vulnerable and fragile place.

But that’s how we grow.

We get shaken up, recognize it, rumble, get hurt and become vulnerable and uncomfortable, and then?

We rise.

We rejoice.

That’s my plan, anyway.

I’ll head downstairs, take the first pill of the next cycle, put on a smile, and fake it. I’ll pretend my body doesn’t hurt, gently chew my sploosh, stretch, then head to work and dance.

I’ll fake it.

I’ll make it.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I’m SUPPOSED to start round 13 of the targeted chemo this morning.

I have always started on a Thursday.

I have always take it in the morning.

Not today.

For two reasons.

1-The very expensive drug which costs about $11,000 a month for the insurance company isn’t in stock at the local pharmacy. It needs to be called in, then mailed fed ex, and it needs to come in an”Warning! Toxic!” Bag. It also has to be called in every month, and it hasn’t arrived yet.

2-My oncologist wants to see me today. It’s been one month since I restarted it after the “pesky appendix which completely healed but was still removed”. The week I get to take one less pill every cycle can really lower a girl’s white blood cell count. I think she wants to see how I did, and I need to tell her about the jaw pain, (“Just say no to Jaw Necrosis”), entire body pain especially with the weather, and that I think this has all been a mistake, and if it wasn’t, Jesus has taken care of it and I believe we are all good.

I think she enjoys our sessions.

She wanted me to hold off on taking the Ibrance until after the bloodwork today. I’ll teach all morning then head to the hospital.

I’ll make a pit stop at the high school to thank the security guard and the teacher for the hard work in recovering the phone.

Everyone said it was a lost cause.

Not me.

I knew we would get it back.

One of those whispers.

Something that was amazing was how many people questioned the actions of my daughter.

“Why did she have the phone in school?”

“She shouldn’t have forgotten it.”

“Why didn’t she tell right away?”

I did it too.

Then it hit me.

We were all victim shaming.

Only one thing mattered.

Someone stole her phone. There’s no mistake about it, as I am pretty sure she is the only kid in the whole school with our last name, as well as a very expensive EMF protector disk on the back to protect from the cell radiation the phones give our.

The only questions asked should be, “Who stole it?”

“What procedures will we now put in place to prevent this crime from happening again?”

I’m not dropping it.

Yes, we have the phone back.

But we need to stop being complacent about crime, because that makes the perpetrators more emboldened.

If someone steals your kids stuff,

Report it.

Hunt them down and get it back.

It’s not ok.

Period.

(Ok, Liam can go back to bed now).

I’m getting ready for work, then the hospital. I had a mini breakdown this morning, as I still can’t believe this is my life. Sore body, sore jaw, appointments, bloodwork… dark thoughts.

When I came home and discovered that I had apparently seventeen cases or so in a cabinet above the fridge and in assorted spots, i realized I really need to unburden myself of stuff.

Mugs ain’t the only thing I’ve collected apparently.

The good thing is all the vases are gone, donated last night.

My goal is by July to get rid of everything that doesn’t bring me joy.

Including the dark thoughts.

I read some bible study this morning to help me out. There are a lot of accounts of healing in the Bible.

I’ll share a picture or two that I took.

Today, may we all watch our words, be kind, and may my blood be so good that my oncologist says, “It is done. Go forth in peace.”

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I worked late yesterday and left my building at 6:00 pm. It was a ten hour day. I wanted to go home and put my feet up, maybe take a detox bath.

But I ‘m a mom, and have other things to do besides doing all I can to stay in complete remission.

Like go to Target.

Maddie had been to a birthday party Friday, but instead of running and getting a gift before the party, we were at the High School and then Police Station with my inner Liam Nisson planning all sort of vengeance on whoever stole her phone.

Which means we went to Target last night to get the gift, so she could give it to the friend today.

As we pulled in, we played the parking lot game. That’s when you pull into a parking lot and say out loud, “I ALWAYS get the BEST parking spot.”

And guess what?

Yup.

Right next to the carts.🙌🏻

I said we had to get in and out and didn’t have a lot of time, so it needs to be empty.

And guess what?

The only people I saw were employees wearing red shirts and about six customers.

The gift maddie wanted to get was right by the registers, she picked it out, then…

I said we weren’t done.

I said we had to get something else, but I didn’t know what it was.

I said to Maddie, “We just need to walk. I don’t know what I ‘m supposed to get, but there’s something else.”

Anyone else get that feeling?

In Target?

We walked down the long aisle toward the electronics, past the toys, and felt I needed to turn right. I went by the books, and one jumped out at me.

It was called, “100 Days to Brave “.

I picked it up, opened one page somewhere in the middle, and said, “This is it.”

I went to walk away and stopped.

I looked again and there, I felt I had to move a book. Behind it was another book, by a woman I recently heard give a talk about boundaries.

I said, “No, THIS is it”.

I felt I was supposed to have THAT book.

Braving the Wilderness.

It’s about true belonging. There are four practices of true belonging, which doesn’t require us to CHANGE who we are, but requires us to BE who we are.

1. Be vulnerable

2. Get uncomfortable

3. Learn how to be with people without sacrificing who we are.

4. Learn how to be with people without sacrificing what we value.

As we walked toward the register, I said to Madison that someday she is going to tell her children that the cancer made her mom crazy because she walked around Target thinking she was hearing and feeling God.

She replied that she wouldn’t.

Then she saw me scoop up seven bags of Bear Naked granola in my arms at checkout.

I think she might have changed her mind.

There was a short old man who looked a little crazy at the checkout rambling, ranting and raving about the five cents bag law. He was making the young man in front of us uncomfortable as well as the young man ringing us up.

I worked on shining my care bear light at him, but gave him “the mom look” when he started to go off the environment.

Don’t mess with my trees, herbs and mushrooms.

He walked away, and I said to the two young men that he must be a lonely old man with no one to talk to, and keeps warm in Target.

Also, he may have been a South Pole elf.

They laughed, and we all went our way.

I realized that Target got me again.

I went in for one thing, and came out with two books and seven bags of granola.

But it’s all good, because God told me too buy all of it.

(How many husbands are ok with that, I wonder?)

Today I am praying for a dear friend who had surgery yesterday that she has a quick and easy recovery, and for a former students father who is awaiting heart surgery, as well as all of the others who have asked me to pray.

Today may we all speak up when needed. Stop hiding and brave the wilderness with integrity and authenticity, with courage and kindness, and make wherever you are a sacred safe place for everyone, especially yourself.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Yesterday I went to The Giving Room for a class on how to stay healthy and boost your immune system.

It was a one hour master class full of tastings, knowledge, and breathing. When Rob asked me about it and what I learned, I told Him I mostly learned that everything I’ve been doing is right.

Affirmation is a good thing.

Somehow, during the past year, all of the information has come to me.

But I also seek information.

You have to look in order to find.

So here are my cliff notes. If you have questions, use the Internet and find further information. That’s what I do. Plus, I’ll be teaching five year olds all day after a three day weekend with a hint of snow on the way, so I’ll be a little busy.

-Turmeric, garlic, ginger, cumin, curcumin. These all help your immune system and inflammation.

-Inflamation is the root of all evil in your body. Knee pain? Cancer? Inflammation.

-Gut Health. Get yourself a good probiotic. They’ve discovered your gut has its own brain, in a way. Keep it healthy and trust your gut. Switch the brand and the billions every so often to keep your gut on its toes.

-Eat the rainbow. Be sure to eat lots of fruits and vegetables. I do that through juicing. Paula and her staff make an amazing “Flu Shot”. Pineapple, lemon, cayenne pepper, Manuka honey, garlic…

-Manuka Honey. KH16! There are companies realizing how powerful this stuff is and are making honey but without a high enough KH factor. Research it and see why it’s so powerful. I use it in the Budwig protocol along with cinnamon. You can put it in tea with cinnamon or even coffee. Manuka is synergistic with cinnamon and together they are stronger.

-chaga tea. This is a very powerful mushroom that you make tea from. It literally has no taste. I had some moms try some from my crockpot and they were shocked. My kids take it to school now every day. I get mine from Chaga Island.

-wheat grass. We tasted it in test tube shots. Yes. It’s tastes like grass. I even mooed like a cow after. But it’s amazing for you. Oxygenation, people!

-Fermentation. Eat fermented vegetables. Sauerkraut. Good for the gut.

-flaxseed oil. I use it every morning in my sploosh, the Budwig protocol. Paula made it in a vitamix and mixed the berries in with some chocolate protein powder. Wow!

-BLACK SEED OIL!!! This has been found in Cleopatras tomb. I cant even write all the benefits. I take a spoonful mixed with honey. Synergy. I’m working up to two spoons a day, one at night and one in the morning. It tastes bad, you burp motor oil, but it’s beyond amazing.

-Essential Oils. (EO). I use Frankincense topically, as well as on the roof of my mouth. (Blood brain barrier). Bottom of feet is good place. I’m no longer using lavender as it is estrogen based and the cancer fed on estrogen. Thieves is great for boosting immune system. Throw it in your diffuser.

-SLEEP. Look at the video I posted yesterday by the sleep scientist. You need it. European countries have the right idea with siestas.

-Breathing. Look up pranayama breathing. See if you can do a four count in, stay at the top of the breath and float it, don’t hold it, for a two count, then slowly exhale for four and float at the bottom of the breath for two. Try to see if you can do five breaths in one minute.

-Meditation. There is an app. “Insight timer”. Clear your brain and focus only on the breath. If you can do that for one breath, congratulations! You meditated. Do it again. Breathe. Yay! See how easy?

-Stress. Make boundaries. Don’t allow your emotions to change from outside influences. I did and knew I had to get rid of my inner Liam Nisson when someone stole my daughters phone. I’m now breathing again. Cool, calm, and collected. (But I’m also still intent on finding the little motherf… crap. Breathe in. Breathe out.)

-Hydrate. Drink water.

-Detox. Tongue scraping, epsom salt bath, baking soda bath, oil pulling,

-sweat! Exercise! Get that lymph system moving. Look into dry brushing too.

-Love and laughter. Do what you love. Be with people who love you. Give your love freely. Laugh often.

So, that’s it.

Your “Keri’s Cliff Notes”.

I’m no doctor, so look it all up yourself and do what feels right.

Today, may we all boost our immune system, lower our inflammation, use the Internet for information to better ourselves and others, and may the phone turn up, not only for Maddie to see that sometimes people do the right thing, but for the person who stole it. He will learn about forgiveness instead of the wrath of …

gah! Liam!!!!

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

This is me and Paula. Synergistic!

Wonder twin immunity powers activate!

I had a lovely day yesterday. Church was great, and the sermon was all about hearing your call from God, and what happens when you choose to ignore it or follow it.

It can be hard to follow what He wants us to do.

Last weekend, I was exhausted from the now infamous, “Mug incident”. Then I heard the whisper.

“It’s time.”

I felt it in my soul and heart and spirit that He wanted me to start the blog. Put the book aside and write.

I was tired. I mean, did you SEE the mugs?

But I followed Him and his whisper.

As of today, one week in, I’ve had over 4,000 “hits” on my blog, from all over the world.

Which means His word and my testimony are being spread far greater than my voice can carry it.

I’m not doing it for fame or money.

I’m doing it to show people the way.

Hope, faith and love.

I am just a vessel, a reflection, to show and share His message.

Then I hosted Dungeons and Dragons. For over six hours, I had fourteen teenagers, young men and women, all laughing, whooping, cheering, working together, discussing strategy, and NOT on their devises.

Actual conversations in 2018.

A miracle!

I loved hosting and serving them water, Pizza, snacks, desserts, and keeping the fire going. I gave my “Safe Space” talk, and they all listened. Kids like to hear firm rules and boundaries, when it comes from a place of love and with a slice of pizza.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day.

When I was teaching my kindergarten students about him, I learned two new facts.

1- He was born and named Michael, but when he was five, his dad was in Germany and became impressed by the works of the Protestant reformer, Martin Luther. He changed his name and Martin’s name. (Hey! I’m a Lutheran!!🙌🏻)

2-Martin was SO SMART! He skipped the ninth and twelfth grades and entered Morehouse College at the age of fifteen. Imagine if we still had gifted and talented programs? It makes me sad that typically only the rich districts have them, and districts in poverty areas and areas of much diversity don’t. There are a lot of children not getting opportunities because of the their economic status and where they live.

3-I also learned that Martin survived another assassination attempt almost a decade earlier. He was at a book signing when Izola Ware Curry walked up to him, said she had been looking for him for five years, then plunged a seven inch letter opener into his best, narrowly missing his aorta. In true Martin fashion, he continued to affirm his belief in non violence and felt no ill will to Izola.

(Me? My inner Liam Neeson would have come out.)

4-Tragically, his mother died from a gunshot wound as well. While she was in church, a man stood up and shot and killed her. He said he had wanted to kill Martins father, but his mother was closer.

The things you learn when you look.

Today’s bible study in my “Love God Greatly” focused on the book of James. The blog response had this…

“I know when you are going through a trial, it feels like you are the only one who has ever experienced anything this hard, this hurtful…this intense. But let me reassure you…you are in good company! In almost every story in the Bible, whether it’s Ruth struggling to make ends meet, Abraham clinging to God’s promises in the midst of the waiting or Moses trying to lead a group of reluctant followers through the desert, as a daughter to the King of Kings…you, my dear, are part of an amazing lineage of overcomers! “

So, in this day where we celebrate a man with a last name “King”…

And a weekend where I was with my best friend and her family whose last name is also King…

And where I hosted many children and showed them about kindness, conversation, and pretended to be the Queen Mother of the Dragons…

And a weekend where I worked hard to show my daughter how a stolen phone can teach us lessons and I worked hard to tame my inner Liam Neeson who wanted to use violence against the person who I now think stole her phone…

I’m reminded that I am the daughter of a King.

I’ll straighten my crown, go learn about how to strengthen my immunity at the Giving Room at 12, and walk forth in grace, love, light, and peace.

May we all remember we are the children of THE King.

We all have chains that hold us down. Mine was cancer. Self esteem. Worry about what others thought of me. Taking on other’s pain. Holding onto anger. No faith.

Shake off those chains of bondage and let freedom ring.

I’m free at last!!!!

Free at last!!!

Thank God almighty, I’m free at last!!!

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I wrote this post one year ago today.

It was hard to write.

It’s still hard to read.

And I still plan on holding our grandchildren together.

I love you, Rob.

“Rob”

During this whole time, Rob has been amazing. I’m going to tell you the hardest part and time of the last few weeks. I cry even as I think about it.

I wasn’t going to share, but I think it is important for my new friends I have made to know that they aren’t alone. (I have had many new friend requests from women with BC, and I can’t even remember who they all are, it’s that many.)

At night during this weeks without hope, I would lay in bed silently crying. I didn’t want to wake him up. I would look at him and try to figure out how to say something. The doctor told me if it was cancer, I would have weeks, months, maybe a year or two left. What was it that I wanted to say to Rob?

It was that it would be okay for him to move on after I was gone.

He is a good, honest, loving man. I never want him to be alone. Someone to talk about his day, help raise our children, snuggle in bed, sit on the beach and watch the waves crash.

I wanted my children to have a woman to hold them and love them and talk to them and tell them it was okay to not be perfect, but to be kind, to help with their hair in ponytails, and hug them through their life.

I wondered if when we were all in heaven, would Rob still be with me or with her?

But then I thought that it would be the three of us. Because I would watch and love this woman because she loved my family when I wasn’t there.

Now?

It going to be ME that does all those things with him. I’m going to grow old with him.

Whenever I am crying, (and it was just fifteen minutes ago and he rolled over and held me), he calms me down. He talks me through my panic attacks. I just feel better when he is with me.

He has done everything for all of us. From talking to Morgan about swimming again, (she hasn’t swam since this started and we may take her just to hug her coaches and friends this week), to snuggling with Quinn every night, to talking to Madison about math and looking up common core algebra… he has been everything.

MY everything.

He has cooked for me, found my missing pills, prayed, hugged, and loved me even harder.

He has told me that I am his miracle.

HE is mine.

“No matter what” is our saying to each other.

Thank you God, for my life and my love. Rob makes me feel hope and love and courage and strength.

And he will continue to do so for the next fifty years or so.

❤️

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

“No matter what”…

A year ago, I became the poster child for, “It could be worse”.

People would have bad things happen, then say they thought of me and said to themselves…

“It could be worse”.

Which meant…

“Thank God I’m not Keri.”

I got it.

I mean, what’s a trivial little inconvenience compared to a surprise stage four de novo breast cancer diagnosis where you’ve been told times up! Weeks, months, maybe a year or two.

But here’s the thing that I iterally JUST had come to me.

When you look at people who have hard situations and then say to them that their situation made them realize yours is nothing compared to theirs…

That doesn’t help.

It makes the situation the other person is in worse.

You’re literally saying their problem is bigger than your problem.

And it may be.

In my case it probably was.

It reminds me of the card game war.

“I’ve got a seven and the flu and my car broke down.”

“I’ve got a nine and cancer”

“OMG… thank God I had the seven. Here, you get the all the cards”

So, maybe…

I’m healed so now whenever things go bad for people…

Instead of them saying, “It could be worse, I could be like Keri”….

They say..

“I could be like Keri and find out how to make it better!”

It’s a quick post today.

Yesterday’s was long. I still have a little Liam Neeson in me and am still sending threatening texts to the phone in between the, “Make a better choice and you will find forgiveness if you hand it in” texts.

I’m going to church to pray Liam leaves the building.

I also met up with one of my core four, and while taking funny selfies while she tried on my weave, I was laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t breathe.

I realized I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.

Sure my house was a hot mess, I was organizing the dungeons and dragons get together because Maddie had no phone, and I was throwing my father in law a birthday party that night…

But I knew I needed to laugh.

To do something for me.

So I did.

I drove an hour away in the middle of the day and…

After a hard week, I made it better.

Today, may we all stop comparing our burdens and feel better when ours isn’t as bad as others, but instead find a way to lessen our own load, better our own burdens, then go out and make the world better.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I’m going to start to put up some of my “Facebook Memories” posts. This way you can see the journey as it unfolded.

“Metamorphosis”

Last night I had my head on Rob’s chest and said I don’t feel like myself anymore.

I feel like there is a BC and AC Keri.

I was sad for the loss of the old me. The old me who never worried about what she ate and if it fed her tumors. The old me who took for granted every moment.

The old me who didn’t feel like she had to change.

But I did change.

I’ve been changing ever since I found the lump. I told my mom that I wish I could go back to the frightened Keri of those weeks of not knowing and just hug her, and tell her that no matter what, she would be ok.

Now?

I’m swallowing ginormous pills.

Me.

The girl with the gag reflex.

I’m drinking and eating fruits and vegetables.

Me.

The girls whose only vegetable was ketchup.

I’m taking chances and meeting people and drinking things that taste like dirt and smoke and mushrooms.

Me.

The girl who drank fine wine.

I’m praying every day, and talking to God all the time, as well as talking about God to others.

Me.

The original “I’m only going to church on Easter and Christmas”.

I’ve forgiven others and myself.

Me.

The Scorpio who never forgave or forgot.

Last night Madison was having a tough time. Feeling overwhelmed, and was being hard on herself. She asked me if she was the perfect daughter I dreamed of.

I told her that I don’t want a perfect daughter. I want a kind and happy and generous daughter. Generous with her love, her time, her forgiveness, and kindness.

We are all changing.

I was the caterpillar, eating away, slugging along.

Then I was wrapped in my cocoon of fear, not moving, shaking, frozen in time.

Now I am breaking free, spreading my wings, starting to feel lighter. I may be losing some of my hair, but I feel beautiful.

It’s a mint, magical, metastatic metamorphosis.

It’s me.

Let me introduce myself.

Hi, my name is Keri, and I am cured.

❤️

It had been a long week, for a lot of reasons. The last pills of the chemo were taken, a week of indoor recess, a PTO meeting one night, helped at the ENL night another night, stayed at school late to catch up another night…

Friday came and I was all proud of myself I made it and was still breathing.

I even got excited and ready to learn all about this guy James I never knew about who was the brother of Jesus. Inhale peace…

exhale love….

Love and light shining.

Then?

At 3:40 I got a text that my daughter’s phone was stolen.

Exit Deepak Chopra.

Enter Liam Nisson.

I lost my damn mind.

It had been a long hard week.

My girl is a teenage girl taking advanced classes with mid-terms approaching, is in a varsity sport, plays viola in a chamber and regular orchestra, is a commander in ROTC, is extremely kind, and has been dealing with a mom with forced menopausal mood swings due to the stage four cancer diagnosis who is working full time and decided to start a blog that has over three thousand views in four days and is helping other people too.

Neither of us needed this.

I grabbed my nine year old son and became pseudo head of the FBI.

I called my husband.

I called my sister who is a sergeant to tell her to prepare whoever is on duty that I’m coming in.

I texted the teacher who was helping my upset teenager.

I used extremely salty language when I called my dad to ask him to get my other daughter for me.

I looked in the back and my son had tears in his eyes and was breathing heavy. He loves his sister, and was upset for her. I asked if he was ok and his reply?

“I’m trying to meditate.”

That should have been my sign to take a breath, but nope.

Liam Neeson had taken over my body.

I got to school and ran into some other colleagues I know. I told them what happened, and they both said they were so scared of me they wanted to give me their phones.

I was out of the zen zone.

I entered the momma bear zone.

We retraced her steps, and went back to the classroom to wait for the head of security. My son saw someone had written “——- was here” with their name on the board. He went all inspector Gadget on me and declared it may have been whoever wrote their name.

“It was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a candlestick!”

We stayed for over an hour with the teacher, a security guard and the head of security. We know which room it was taken from, and which period. There’s videotape constantly running of hallways, so there is a visual record of the comings and goings.

Twice this week I had Warner Wolf in my head, between the show This is Us and yesterday.

“Let’s go to the videotape”.

We also went to the police station. On top of my sergeant sister, I’ve got a brother in law who is a detective who happened to be by the front desk when we got there. The officer at the front desk is someone I’ve known for over twenty years. My brother is also a police officer. Even with all of the family members, my daughter was still flustered and upset. She was shaking when we left.

I think the hardest thing for her is that someone would do that.

With the paperwork done, I brought maddie to a friends house to try and salvage the day. I then went to my school for movie night, as I had several children tell me over and over they wanted to lay down with me on the floor and watch “Trolls”.

While there, I continued to check the find a Friend app, the iPhone finder, my husband was on the phone with our carrier, and Liam Neeson continued to send text messages to the phone in little sentences.

“I will find you”

“Turn it in before I do.”

“You stole the wrong phone.”

“No charges if it’s handed in”

“If not… you better hope I dont find you.”

“You picked the wrong kid’s phone”.

I did that for oh…

A few hours.

I went back and forth between mom on a revenge mission with Liam as my sidekick, and kindergarten teacher snuggling on a cafeteria floor with my students praying my compromised immune system would hold up as I gulped down my dinner juice.

Even one of the troll characters had a little Liam in her, but she didn’t give up in a good way, not the scary, “I will hunt you down” mode that I was in.

I discovered there is also some drop box at wal mart now where people can drop phones into a kiosk and get $50 immediately, so we called that company and have them checking cameras that snaps pictures of people dropping off phones if the phone ends up there.

Great idea, Wal Mart.

We had a big discussion with my daughter about telling the teachers immediately if something goes missing and being more mindful of her belongings. She felt horrible, and then went to bed.

I’ve got other parents telling their kids to spread the word that the phone better show up. I’ve also got them checking social media that kids use like Snapchat, instagram etc.

I’ve been told to have kids keep an eye out for any accounts that may pop up in her name. (She doesn’t have any, so we will trace those should they pop up.)

Freaking kids.

I checked the phone through the night,

then realized…

It was time for Liam Neeson to go back to Belfast.

The zen creeped in.

I remembered about my BFF, Jesus.

I breathed.

My daughter is off for the day already, headed to another invitational track meet in the Bronx.

Before she left, I hugged her and told her it’s a new day. I also told her that I realized how lucky I was.

Lucky that she is the one whose phone was stolen, instead of the one who steals phones.

Lucky that I spent the night looking for simply a lost phone, instead of being a mom up all night looking for a phone because her daughter was also missing along with the phone.

Today we don’t let the bad thing dim the light, we shine brighter.

Give more love.

Even if sometimes it kicks the crap out of you.

It took me a while, but I found my blessings.

She asked why God let that happen after everything we’ve been through. I explained it’s because not everyone listens to Him, and God was actually with us. He gave us all of the family members who are police officers. He gave us the kind teacher who stayed for over an hour to help us.

He gave us the security team that talked her through it.

We’ve been through much worse, and just because cancer came, we don’t get an immunity to other things happening.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

“Sorry you’ve got cancer, but here’s the immunity idol!”

Instead, we learn and get strength to get through it, and sometimes Liam Neeson comes along for the ride as well.

My daughter had sent out a text to invite all the Dungeons and Dragons kids over this weekend, and now we don’t have a phone for responses. So today, I will clean up and prepare for possibly twenty teens to show up tomorrow afternoon.

Moms, don’t worry.

Liam Neeson will not be in the building.

Today, may we all do our best to keep breathing and stay in the zen zone when faced with issues, and if Liam shows up when trouble comes, be kind.

He will go away when you remember to breathe.

Maybe the Liam from “Love Actually” will show up instead.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri