For some reason, I’m having a harder time shaking off the dark thoughts.

The bad story I tell myself.

I touched on Brene Brown yesterday and the Louise Hay quote she mentioned.

How we all tell ourselves stories all day long, and many times, the first story we tell ourselves is a “sh*tty first draft”.

I’ve been crumpling up the sh*tty first drafts non stop for the past two days.

It’s easier to tell yourself bad stories with a bad ending when your body is in pain.

“Your jaw hurts? It’s because the xgeva causes bone death in advanced stage cancer patients. Get ready for crumble jaw and slurping dinner through a straw”.

“That ache in your bones? That’s the cancer spreading to where the xgeva didn’t get to yet.”

“That headache? That’s either the chemo side effect or… it’s spreading to the brain… or brain cancer is starting.”

“Maddie has decided to wear a dress to the ball and you have to go get one today? Better enjoy it. Statistics say you won’t be here for her prom.”

See how sh*tty the first draft can be?

And that’s all my mind telling me the story.



Then I furiously write and tell a second and third draft. But the first draft is always the bad one.

We all do it.

We all have to learn to stand up and throw it out.

I got through the day, stood up for myself and children again, and realized I’ve recently stopped letting things go that others let go. If I see something is wrong, I say something. But then I let go of the emotions attached.

We need to all do the right thing, all the time. If people become bystanders, then they become accomplices. I want to be known as the person who stands for what’s right, and speaks up and out against what’s wrong.

We came home yesterday and I went to the couch. I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Rob made a fire because he knows that even when oncology appointments go well, they are hard. I got two beautiful rocks that someone left on my stoop.

Rock on, friends.

I started the Brene Brown book, and the kids started to watch the second Lord of the Rings movie. I put down the book and was transported to middle earth. Quinn snuggled on top of me and I surprisingly stayed awake.

I think it’s because I also had Morgan laying on me and the dog up against me as well.

My tribe surrounds me when it’s hard.

I realized that Gollum, the character everyone knows as the ugly, deformed, evil part of Sméagol, is the writer of my sh*tty first drafts. Gollum is always whispering, abusing, and making Sméagol miserable. Sméagol just wants to be free.

For a time he is.

Then Gollum takes over again.

My inner Sméagol is stronger.

Sometimes Gollum wins, but Sméagol evntualy takes back the pen and writes a better story.

Frodo has been given a task and is surrounded by others to help him. He doesn’t know why he was chosen, but he accepts the task and quest.

He meets a wizard, Gandalf, who also tends to show up when most needed. He imparts wisdom and strength, and when he shows up, you know all will be well, especially when he changes from Grey robes to bright brilliant white robes.

He probably felt like Mary, who instead of a ring, received the task of delivering a King.

There was a new female introduced and she wanted to be a healer. But she was also so strong. I loved her.


My favorite character is Samwise.

Sam the Brave.

He stays by Frodo’s side, and when things get too hard, he says he will carry Frodo. San can’t complete the task, but he can help Frodo get to where he needs to go.

Rob is my Sam.

It’s an amazing movie with so many quotes. So much heartache and acts of bravery and courage.


Sometimes a girl needs to go to Middle Earth to remember how to move on.

And how to quiet the inner Gollum inside.

Yesterday someone emailed me and asked me to teach her how to pray. I was shocked, felt privileged, and also felt sad that someone felt they needed to be taught how to pray.

There’s no right or wrong way.

Just ask Jesus.

As for me, I am always telling God how much I love Him and how good He is. I ask for things for myself and others, and the thing is, nothing is too big for us to ask Him to do. I mean, He IS God. I thank Him for all of my blessings and even name them. It makes me realize how much I have to be thankful for. Then I end by letting God know that I am asking in Jesus’s name, because Jesus died for me, took my sins, and wants only the best for me.

So today, pray.

Don’t feel like you don’t know how or aren’t worthy.

You ARE worthy.

You ARE loved.

You ARE forgiven.

God, you are so amazing. Thank you for everyone who supports me here on Earth as I follow your will. Please help my friend who asked me to pray and teach her to pray, and be with all of those who seek good health and forgiveness and love. I ask this in Jesus’s name, amen.



PS. Let today be the first of many many many dress shopping experiences with my girls.❤️

2 thoughts on “Gollum

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