Yesterday showed me something so important.

Your surroundings matter.

I took off yesterday morning so I could vacuum, mop, wash sheets, catch up on laundry, and clean the kitchen.

Then?

I decided to put away all of the Halloween decorations and autumn lights… and set up for Christmas.

I said to myself that if the tumor markers were bad and went up, at least it would look like Christmas. While I’m sick on the couch this weekend, seeing Christmas lights would make me happier. If I had to tell my kids bad news, seeing Christmas when they came home would soften the blow.

Your environment matters.

We went off to Stony Brook and I was anxious. They finally opened their huge new wing in the main hospital. Going for chemo is always stressful, then add on a new place and new procedures…anxiety rises.

But man oh man.

It was fantastic.

They have valet parking for patients. Do you know how amazing it is to have your car called for and waiting for you after sitting in a chair for hours getting chemo?

There is artwork everywhere. The lighting is amazing. It feels like an art gallery or museum.

The security guard welcomed us and walked us to the elevator and pressed the button for us. There were dolphin balloons right where the elevator opened, as the pediatric center is there too. I saw several children with bald heads in wheelchairs, and lifted my palms out toward them quietly and sent them prayers. I’m lucky it came at 43 years of age. Ill never get why it hits children. We need research now to fix this.

The people at the check-in desk now wear uniforms and look like flight attendants. You get a tracker so they monitor your wait time and know where you are. That was great as we were able to leave to get soup and drinks in their new Panera right… down.. stairs. There is a Jamba Juice too! They accessed my port in a nice Spacious room and it worked like a charm. The waiting room has floor to ceiling windows and is beautiful.

I was called in to the infusion area and I couldn’t stop smiling. When I was showed my chair spot?

I couldnt believe it. It was almost as big as a hospital room. My chair had seat warmers!!!Rob even had a little couch! I looked out a huge window instead of staring at a nurses desk.

The paint was a light cream instead of mustard yellow. They had hanging lights. There is even an area with a fireplace for goodness sake!!!

I had a brand new nurse for me this time and I threw her off because I was smiling so wide. We talked about how fancy it was and laughed as we spoke fancy to each other.

The most comforting thing though was the faces. I saw all of my friends. They aren’t my nurses anymore. They are my friends and sisters who I can cry with and get hugs.

Jean kept coming over and checking on me, and she is family now.

Dr Stopeck was away and her assistant was called out on an emergency, so we saw her nurse Mary and discussed a new blood tumor test Donnie really wants me to get. OncoDNA is the name and he feels it will give me a better look at options down the road.

Hermina stopped by, and I also met another patient of Dr Stopeck’s. It was amazing. She is a teacher too, stage four from the get go, started at Sloan and was told to go home and get her affairs in order. She fired them and found Dr Stopeck four and a half years ago. As we talked, I kept feeling like we would have a connection, so I mentioned chinese herbs, Dr Snufflufogus, Donnie Yance, Rick Shapiro, Annie Appleseed, Nalie Augustin, Stephanie Seyban, books and movies…I kept talking because I knew I would say someone.

And then she asked how I met Donnie and Snuffy..

I told her because I taught a boy and his name…

And she said…”Wait, from the Golden Earthworm??? I get my CSA from there and my cousin used to work there!!!”

Hermina and I looked at each other and I said, “There it is! Six degrees of separation!”

After we exchanged contact information, my nurse came over with the tumor markers.

They all…went…down.

I sobbed and sobbed and cried like a baby.

They went to get Jean and we hugged.

Rob and I took our picture and I let my family know, then I texted my nurse squad, then I put it out for all of my prayer warriors on social media. You have no idea what that meant to me.

It means more time.

It means that as I am so sick this weekend and feel like I’m going to die, I know I’m getting more time to live.

Jean and Hermina also discussed my pain. I told them how I cried all night one night and felt like my back was literally breaking. I’m hiding it well, but I’m in constant pain in my back and legs while exhausted and nauseous. Jean had Hermina turn around and she she pointed out on Hermina where my biggest bones are in my body… the sacrum and thigh bones. That’s where the neulasta is hitting the hardest, and forcing the marrow to produce mature white blood cells faster.

It’s not cancer growing.

It’s the body fighting.

We finally finished and as we walked out, Rob and I stopped by the fire place to take a picture.

We gave hugs goodbye, turned in the tracker, met the valet attendant and left.

Then I called my mom and cried.

Rob was hungry so we went to the mall to eat, I pounded more water, and we took a picture by their huge Christmas tree. If I wasnt so tired I would have tracked down Santa in the mall and sat on his lap for a picture.

My dad texted me when he brought the kids home that they were so excited and surprised to walk in and see Christmas set up in the house. They had spent all day knowing their mom was in the hospital and not knowing what the markers would be when they got home, which is traumatic for a child, and came home to a clean house and Christmas. They were thrilled for the good news.

Here’s the thing about yesterday and what it did for me.

You see, our district has put up a bond. Our schools are overcrowded and I believe one building has the same toilets from almost one hundred years ago when the building was built. I’ve gone to Eastport for NYSSMA and I walked around in awe. I’ve gone upstate for swim meets and walked around in awe in those buildings. Then I come back to riverhead and think… “I wish we had that”. But we are land rich and people poor. Politicians have never done their job or done right by us or helped us.The initial proposed bond was pie in the sky and a dream. It’s been cut and cut and cut again to bare bones. Yes, there is a track and some athletic additions. Can they cut that too? Yes.

Here’s the thing.

I went into chemo yesterday and felt so at peace, so happy, so comfortable… because of the care the hospital put into making the surroundings good for the patient.

Imagine if society does the same for children?

I busted my ass and got donations for a courtyard this year while going through chemo, and every time we walk by and look outside we see beautiful and colorful mums, straw bales, corn stalks, scarecrows… and every single child smiles.

Your outside surroundings change your inside makeup. When you are surrounded by chaos, overcrowded, it affects not only your education, but your physical and emotional and mental state. This in turn affects your hormones, your immune system, your inflammation, even your DNA. It literally changes your cells. What are we doing to our children?

If your surroundings show you are important, you are cared for… that you matter…

You can do anything.

There are numbers going around and misconceptions being spread. People need to call the district office and find out their own tax increase. I’m expecting mine to be about $500 or so a year. Is that going to be easy? As a stage four cancer patient whose money goes to treatments? No. But if this bond fails, I shudder to think of what will happen. Split sessions? Cut sports? Music? Clubs? My kids deserve the best. So do yours. I cant afford private school, so that’s out of the realm of options.

Riverhead is all I have.

Riverhead is all I want.

The teachers are like my nurses in the infusion center. They are the heart and make it work no matter what. They are the best. Just look at my kids, thriving through their mothers cancer diagnosis. We couldn’t do this without them.

Your environment matters.

It mattered more than I thought it would yesterday. It made yesterday even better than I dreamed.

We can do the same for our kids.

I’ve been up most of the night. The neulasta machine on my arm is uncomfortable and blinks a green light every few seconds. Morgan had a nightmare and was calling out “Dad!!! Dad!!! I woke up and saw blinking light and thought the police were outside… but it was the neulasta light blinking on my arm by my eyes. You don’t go back to an easy sleep after that…at 10:45 pm.

I’ll go to work today, and keep tissues handy as the sweats began pretty intensity when we left the hospital. Literally dripping down my face into my eyes. Remember the movie airplane? Yup.

The heartburn also began so Prilosec and Claritin for bone pain will begin on top of all the other pills and potions.

It’s purple day, so I’ll wear my purple hair… which will look great as my face gets redder and redder as the day goes on.

I got a message from Erin that Donnie likes the idea of doxil as a possible next step. She also said Donnie’s wife jen saw the movie yesterday and she said it was amazing. They are excited I’ll be at the premier and asked permission to acknowledge me in the program and at the show where it will premiere. I cant wait to meet Donnie and hug him and the staff in person.

Please pray for me today as I enter the next hard few days. My family and friends have all stepped up and offered to keep my kids busy so they don’t have to see me on the couch sick all day. I’m going to head into the detox bath in a bit to begin to try to help lessen side effects while keeping my arm and the naulasta contraption above water.

May we all have a peaceful day.

Stay warm, friends…

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is the fourth round of chemo.

I remember getting the news that I had to do Adriomycin and cyxtoxin. Rob ran to school, I sat in my assistant principals office, we called my oncologist, emailed my herbalist, emailed Donnie, and I sobbed and sobbed as rob told both my principals the news. We had been warned this is the hardest chemo they have. We weren’t sure I would be able to work, as many are too exhausted and nauseus to function. I sobbed over losing my hair again… knowing this time it would all truly go.

But somehow…

I’ve made it through.

I continued to work, and we finally hit our groove in kindergarten. I managed to have an entire garden donated thanks to amazing friends, and we have a beautiful courtyard. There were fundraisers held for my oncologist, and this month we will be giving her a check to help fund her research. I shaved my head with my children and husband, and brought back out the wigs. I was featured in articles and wrote an editorial for stage four awareness. I called out racism and prejudice and sexism in the town and was banned from a group. I wear that as a badge of honor. I received a letter telling me I am no longer allowed communion in the church, was contacted by multiple news organization, and decided to have peace in my life over and exposing the evil that lies in men’s hearts who hijack the teachings of Jesus. People who talk the talk and don’t walk the walk are the worse hypocrites. I taught breathing and meditation and yoga and manifestation to over sixty colleagues. I’ve been vocal over the school bond vote, and continued to fight for our children… all of them.

I’ve learned to try and find the sick twisted humor in all of this.

And now, I’m getting the fourth round.

I’m anxious.

My back has been hurting more and more.

The tumor markers dropped, but today will be the really important one. They need to drop even more. You can’t stay on this chemo, as it damages your heart. We need the markers to drop so we can order just an MRI, then we need to find another chemo to keep it stable… and pray and pray for more research and more drugs to keep me alive.

I’m leaving the hard season and entering a storm.

The time before a scan is dark.

You could get great news, or you can get blindsided. I’ve been blindsided every single time for the last almost two years. Every single chemo they’ve had me in hasn’t even given me the three months breathing time. Maybe I’ll decorate for Christmas to help me breathe.

Today I head to the brand new wing in the hospital. It’s going to be all new today…new doctor office, new infusion center. Im not seeing my oncologist as she is in South Korea giving a talk to their medical oncology association. But I’ll see everyone else.

The last round hit me harder, and I’m expecting this one to be worse. I was supposed to play in the Harlem Wizards game tonight, but the chemo won’t end in time. I decided to take off this morning too, and clean the house. There’s nothing worse than being sick and looking at a messy house and piles of laundry. I’ll get a jump start this morning, then head to the hospital at 12.

Port access and labs are at 1:30.

Then a visit to the oncology assistant.

Then the chemo process begins at 3:00.

They push fluids and anti nausea meds and steroids first, then the syringes of adriomycin, then the bag of Cytoxin. I’ll be drinking tons of water and running to the bathroom. This chemo makes your pee red, and you have to try and flush it out as fast as you can.

I’m hoping to be finished by 5:00 or 5:30.

I’m not ringing the bell this time.

I’m hungry too, as I’ve started the fast. Nothing to eat from Tuesday night until Saturday.

People still get shocked and think I’m going to be done with chemo.

Then they hear we have to figure out a new one.

Stage four means chemo forever… until we run out of options.

Please pray the tumor markers drop drastically, this round of chemo knocks it all out of the body, and it stays gone for years and years and years and years.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It was a good day yesterday.

I always love being around my colleagues, as after having worked in this district for over 22 years, they’ve become family. As my children move up through the grades, I get to know more and more amazing people.

I was shocked when I was called up to the stage to lead the pledge, and had a total mini panic attack on the way up.

The whole time I was thinking…”Crap… how does it start???”

That’s called chemo brain.

I’ve said the pledge every day for over 22 years, but yesterday? For about thirty seconds as I walked up to the stage, I was working on remembering the first three words.

I got it before I got to the microphone.

We had a beautiful moment as a staff when a former graduate of our district came back to give a keynote speech. Shamel Lewis was one of those kids who gave his teachers a run for their money. (He has since changed his name to Antonio Diaz). He was removed from his home from CPS at two years old and sent to live with foster families. He was beaten as a child. He was hungry. He was diagnosed with ADHD. His father was incarcerated and both parents had substance abuse issues. He stole yo-yos at pulaski because he didn’t have any toys at home. He can count on one hand how many christmases he celebrated. He told us how he was beaten once so bad for taking popcorn when he was hungry.

But here is what he also had.

Two teachers who believed in him, fed him, loved him.

Because of the relationships that formed, he was told about the two paths he could take. One was the path of his family, and the other was the path to freedom.

He was steered toward sports, and he joined football, basketball and wrestling. In eleventh grade he joined track… and went on to become undefeated. He broke records and went to states.

THIS is why sports matters.

He said he loved school, and worked hard.

He went off to Syracuse university, got his degrees and is currently working on his doctorate. He has formed his own organization, which teaches young men how to become good husbands and fathers. He speaks to schools on the importance of forming relationships with students. He spoke about how he became a Christian, and as a young man , he only heard the words, “I love you” maybe three times. Once he became Christian, he heard it all the time.

It was great, and I think the district should bring him back to speak to every child from pulaski street up to the high school.

Stories matter.

He has an amazing one.

The rest of the day was filled with everyone choosing classes that they felt would benefit them. I had gotten to school at 7:15 to set up my class and I am so glad I did.

I brought a whole bunch of yoga mats, flowers, tea light candles, my portable speaker, handouts, essential oils, and had practiced my class over and over the night before.

I kept the lights off and as people walked in, the gym was transformed into a sanctuary. I taught two classes. The first one had about twenty six people or so and went smoothly.

The second one had almost forty people.

Here’s the thing.

Almost one week after being told I could no longer get communion in part because of yoga and energy work…

God sent me over sixty people to teach how to breath, do yoga, meditate and manifest miracles in their lives.

I had more people in that gym with me in one day than my former church has had in their pews in years.

That’s called validation.

I also attended a class with kindergarten teachers around the district. We’ve had our hands full with so many issues this year. No one works harder than kindergarten teachers in the beginning of the year.

Period.

We have so many concerns, and being around others who have the same concerns helped us to feel not so alone and not so crazy.

The day ended and I went home, pretty exhausted.

My back is hurting again. Rob said it’s from all the lifting I did of the crates of yoga mats and blankets. I’m praying that’s what it is.

Today I begin fasting, and won’t eat again until Saturday.

It’s so hard, especially as today is usually the day I begin to feel better and normal. Then BOOM! Chemo tomorrow and the cycle begins again.

I’m anxious about the tumor markers tomorrow, especially after having such back pain and pain in my right thigh bone. I’m praying it’s the neulasta.

Today I’ll teach all day then prepare for tomorrow. I’ll clean up the house a bit as this weekend I’ll be on the couch recovering.

Election Day is over, and I hope the elected officials figure out a way to help our school district, instead of just saying to vote no on the bond. They get to make their budget and only have to have their council vote on it. Hopefully they remember how hard they worked for this election and the votes they got and remember we are working even harder for a more noble cause…

The children.

Children like Shamel, who came from such trauma and poverty that he had to steal his teacher’s lunch in order to eat that day. Because voters supported the school back then, he has become an amazing man who is giving back to the society in a huge way.

Paying it forward.

Today may we all find a way to pay it forward, form relationships that help us make the world better, and breathe.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is a big day for two reasons.

The first is Election Day.

I have not been happy with the ugliness and mean spirited spiritedness of the town supervisor race. Supporters and candidates have taken jabs every chance they can. Things are said and you don’t know who to believe. I hope whoever wins decides to work with grace, compassion, and class, and realizes that the school district needs help.

The school district needs the bond to pass.

The school district is the heart of the town.

The town council race, on the other hand, was totally different. I watched all five candidates and wished all five could be elected. They handled themselves with class, knowledge, and they all seemed as if they could hang out at a party and be friends. That’s what we need. People willing to work with anyone and everyone to make this town as great as it can be, instead of sneering and snarling at each other.

No matter who you vote for, make sure you vote. It’s a right and privilege, and every year I’m shocked more people don’t vote. We have become an apathetic society. It’s time to get involved and help make the changes we need.

No matter who wins, hold them accountable.

Raise your voice and stay involved.

It’s also a big day in the school district.

We are having a superintendents conference day and the district is trying something new.

EdCamp.

There are multiple sessions addressing everything possible that an educator could be dealing with today. It’s like a menu, and the district is using its own teachers as well as outside experts to facilitate the conversations and learning.

I’m teaching two sessions.

I chose to discuss what I feel is the biggest threat to educators and students today…

Trauma.

It doesn’t matter what program we choose to teach, or which standards we are told to use…

If the children are coming to us with trauma, they won’t learn.

Imagine you are in the forest, and you see a bear. Your body sends a signal to increase cortisol, adrenaline, your pupils dilate, your heart beats faster, your breath increases, and voila! Your body is now in fight or flight mode. You can fight the bear or run away.

Which is great, if you’re in a forest… and there’s a bear.

But what if the bear is in your house every night, disguised as a parent with a substance abuse problem? Or a parent who abuses you? Or the bear is a parent who is in jail and missing?

Or what if the bear is disguised as a bully, and follows you around in school? Or your family went through hell to escape their homeland where there was danger, and you are now in a new place where you don’t understand the language but know that the people around taunt you and Give you side eye?

Or what if you were born here and are a citizen, but because of how you look those same propel assume you don’t belong and taunt you anyway?

Or what if you don’t follow the societal norms and love you who love, or want to be who you feel you were meant to be?

Or what if your poor and can’t afford the cool

Kids clothes?

Having a bear follow you around all day causes immeasurable trauma. And no one is safe from the bear. I mention childhood trauma and people will think of others from poverty level backgrounds or different cultures. But actually, we all have trauma.

My own children are suffering every day with the bear. Our bear is cancer bear. They live with a bear that every day says their mom is going to die and makes her sick and lose her hair.

Trauma changes you. Emotionally… mentally… and physically. It actually gets under your skin and changes your DNA. It affects your immune system. It causes inflammation.

There was a study done and children with trauma are four times more likely to abuse drugs.

Twelve times more likely to attempt suicide.

Who cares about learning geometry when you don’t want to live?

Our country is great with public health crisis awareness… when it wants to be.

Drug campaigns, HIV/AIDS…

They are now waking up to vaping.

But WHY do kids vape?

It’s because they need to feel or escape from something in their lives.

Which is where my class today comes in.

Meditation, mindfulness, manifesting, yoga, breathwork.

Give the kids and adults some tools they can use to move through trauma.

Tame the bear.

I’m nervous, as it’s always harder to teach in front of colleagues. I’m loading up my car with extra yoga mats and blankets, essential oils, my portable speaker, tea light candles and flowers.

The teachers in my district have had several bears following them around.

We all know how much the bond is needed, and we’ve got people running in politics saying to vote no. They should walk through our halls someday. Bears.

We are dealing with an influx of students and are overcrowded. Bears.

We’ve got children who don’t speak the language and we have to educate them with limited resources. Bears.

We’ve got new programs .. not one.. but two.. to learn and navigate while dealing with overcrowding and language issues. Bears.

We’ve got different cultures and races clashing and we are tasked with bringing them together. Bears.

We’ve got townspeople and the usual commenters bashing the jobs we do, when they couldn’t even last a day if they were to walk in our shoes. Bears.

We’ve got our own lives and children and families and issues we have to leave at the door every day. Bears.

So today, I’m going to play some soft music, hand out lavender oil to rub on their hands and breathe in, and teach them how to relax, restore, breathe and reset their fight or flight so they can help others with the bears that follow them around.

I’ve only got a half hour.

I’m nervous but happy to be of service to these amazing men and women who are helping my own children as they deal with cancer bear.

I hope my class today is a gift they take with them and use every day as they face the bears.

May we all vote today and the best people for our town win. May they work together to make this town the jewel that it can be. May the staff of our district come together and learn and become energized, so they can go back tomorrow and continue to do the amazing work they have been doing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I had such a wide ranging amazing day yesterday.

And it started off with me thinking I wouldnt be able to get out of bed.

I woke up completely exhausted, as most teachers do the days after Halloween. I forced myself to get up, take my herbs and supplements and meds, took a shower, drew on my eyebrows, and then laid down on the couch. I rested for another hour then off I went.

The North Fork Breast Coalition was hosting a spa day for breast cancer patients at the Blue Sage Day Spa. I resist going to any and all “support group” type activities. It’s hard as I tend to absorb the energy of others, and I’m much better talking one to one with others. But I love Melanie, who organized it, as well as Charlene, who owns the spa and has been a dear friend for years. I was surprised as soon as I walked in by two women whom I’ve met them through facebook and one at last year’s gala, so there were familiar faces which was comforting. We all introduced ourselves, and the majority of women were stage four. Two are newly diagnosed, and I sat and realized that I’m the women for them who I looked for when I was first diagnosed… years out from the shitty prognosis, still living my life.

I hoped that by being there those women saw hope as well.

One woman said she had found my blog one day, and she learned more about stage four form my blog than from any oncologist.

And THAT is why I continue to share.

I had a lovely treatment, and then left a little early. It’s too hard for me to be in “Cancerland”, and needed to be in a normal life setting to rebalance myself.

Madison has just ended her SAT after five hours so I went to check on her, then ran to the homecoming game to check on Morgan.

Let me tell you…

Going to the homecoming game was amazing. I got so many hugs from former parents and students. Everyone was on a great mood. Our team, which was moved up to division one and placed on the bottom of the boards, won the game and will be in the playoffs. The school pride was palpable. How I wish we could bottle that up and have everyone see what I see.

I stayed for the band and cheerleaders and cheered them on at halftime, then went home and slept on the couch.

My dad asked if I had checked Facebook and when I did, I was blown away.

You see, years and years ago, MTV had a show called “The Real World”, a show where they put strangers from all walks of life into a house as a social experiment. There was a young man named Kevin powell, who has gone on to become a a well known and respected author, activist, blogger, public speaker. My friend Mark Naison, who is also a well known professor and author, shared my blog with Kevin about the denial of communion from my church..

Kevin decided to write an article and had it published in the national publication called “The Progressive”.

I wad shocked, and humbled.

He wrote eloquently and hit the nail on the head. So thank you, Kevin.

https://progressive.org/dispatches/american-graffiti-church-cancer-hate-faith-powell-191102/

Rob and I took the opportunity of me being semi-well to go out to dinner for a date.

It was lovely, and felt like the days before cancer took over our lives. Then we crashed the Riverhead Class of 89 reunion.

I didn’t even go to riverhead, but having taught here for years, I feel I’m a blue wave. It’s a great group of people in that class year, and we ran in for some quick hugs.

We came home and as we walked up the stairs to bed, rob started laughing. He said, “Keri… it’s 8:30.”

When you took into account the time change, I was in bed and asleep by nine.

Two words….

Rock… star.

Today is Sunday. Many people will be going to church today.

Not me.

I’ll be going to the rotary pancake breakfast early with Morgan and her friend who slept over. Rob used to be so involved in rotary before cancer then had to step back. I’m so grateful they still let him come to events to volunteer and be around them all. It’s a great group of local business people who do amazing things.

Then I’m off to get Maddie from a sleepover and finally my Quinn who slept outside all weekend with the boys scouts. He is tired and cold and hungry, and I cant wait time get him home and snuggle up with him.

I’ll rest this afternoon, as it’s a big week.

I’ll be teaching at our districts Edcamp on Tuesday, have a pop in observation this week, start fasting Wednesday and chemo Thursday. I’m also playing basketball in a fundraiser against the Harlem wizards Thursday, and hope to go to a book release party for a friend on Friday.

I’ve got a lot of life to live this week.

If you’re going to church today, pray for me.

If you’re being given communion, savor every second of the ritual, a ritual that has been done for years and years years.

I’ve been invited to so many churches in the past few days I have lost count.

I’ve been shown the true face of God through all of this, and have had the spirit of Jesus shine through strangers.

May you all be invited to the table, and if not..

Set your own place wherever you may be, and know you are loved.

Take, and eat.

Take, and drink.

The body and blood has been shed for you.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is an incredibly busy day for my little family.

We are scattered like the autumn leaves through town.

Quinn is at a boy scout campout all weekend. I know he is in the best hands possible, but this mom never sleeps well thinking of her little boy in a tent in the woods in the cold. I cant wait for tomorrow to get him back and run him a nice warm bath.

Madison is taking her first SAT today. She said that this is the one where she has to learn how to beat the system and the test, and she will score higher next time. I was a wreck when I took my SAT, but she is calm, cool and collected.

Morgan will be with her best friend, either hanging out or going to homecoming.

Me?

The north fork breast health coalition is hosting a day at the Blue Sage Day Spa for breast cancer patients. There will be light snacks, juices from The Giving Room, and we each get two treatments. I have avoided support groups in person like the plague, and this is my first time being around other patients without protesting funding or at a gala. My friend Charlene owns the business, so I know I’m in good hands. I’m still in some pain so a day of pampering is nice.

God always comes through with His timing.

I went last night back to Spa Belleza, and it was lovely. I had a gentle massage with oils and hot stones and reiki. I felt the heat coming off of my head, and when we finished, Tina confirmed it. She said that was good, as it was the liver detoxing. All of the energy was leaving through the head.

My crown chakra.

Let it all go.

I went to my niece’s birthday as well, and as soon as I walked in, my sister jill gave me bread and a sip of her red wine. For the first time in a long time, I actually had communion from a real Christian.

I was contacted by yet another media outlet to run the story about the church denying me communion in a letter. I actually almost said yes, because the hypocrisy is astounding. But then I realized that God knows what they all did. That’s enough for me. Some people said they want to write letters and call or protest. I say don’t waste your breath. One of the silver linings that has come out of this is that many former members who left have reappeared in my life this past week. Apparently this is a “thing”, and the church family I used to know scattered due to similar instances. It’s a shame, as the families that used to go to this church were amazing. Eventually the elders and pastor will learn that those who judge others and make the church into a jury room will be left alone in their own pew.

You can’t minister to an empty church.

I said to some yesterday I will pray for them, because to them the Bible is used for punishment and sin and is like a jail.

To me?

The Bible set me free. It tells me stories of miracles, friendships, strong women, children who faced giants. A man who loved me so much he died for me before I was even born.

I also realized something yesterday that filled my heart.

People are talking freely about Jesus and God’s love with me all the time. Look over my wall the last two or three days. Four years ago?

Jesus was only mentioned at Christmas and Easter.

Now?

Every single day.

Every…single…day… I have people praying for me, telling me how much He loves me. Quoting scriptures that fill me with peace.

Stopping me in the halls of my school and discussing faith.

It’s beautiful.

I look in the mirror and cry when I see myself with no eyebrows or hair. I said to someone that every morning I think of that magnet man you used to use as a child with a red pen with black magnet pieces to draw eyebrows and hair on this little board.

But maybe I’m more like a newborn.

Stripped clean of everything as the medicine takes all the cancer away. Stripped of all pretenses and former beliefs, and reminded of what is the basic fundamental.

That no matter what you look like, what you do…

You are loved.

You were born with grace, beauty, and His love surrounding you. Every layer we added on as we go through life should add to the beauty, and if it doesn’t…

We can shed it.

I heard yesterday a beautiful quote.

Rather than finding heaven on earth, we need to release heaven on earth.

Imagine that?

I’m off to take some more pain medicine and take a detox bath. It’s homecoming today. I wish the town would show up for other sports and activities and concerts and have a pep rally for all the smart kids who take advanced classes or got to Boces and learn trades.. We need to cheer on EVERYONE.

I’m also crashing the riverhead high school class of 89 reunion.

I crashed their last one and loved it. It’s a great group of people and will be nice to get

More healing hugs.

Today may we all release a little bit of heaven on earth.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Thank God October is OctOVER.

I’m up, and in quite a lot of pain in my back…especially my sacrum which the last scan showed was full of cancer.

So I appreciate all prayers as I try to find a comfortable position and try to not imagine it as cancer spreading more in the bones.

I may have overdone it yesterday.

We all dressed as Max from Where the Wild Things Are, and did a wild rumpus through the halls of the school and in the main office.

A parent sent me a video of it and it was just too cute.

It was almost like their very first play.

Bravo!

We did stations in the class and the kids had a memorable party. My friend Peggie dropped off pumpkins her mom Muriel decorated and every child in my class took one home.

School ended and went to the high school for safe Halloween event and it was amazing to see the whole community come out. I especially love seeing parents all dressed up as well. We never grow up if we keep our inner child in our heart.

Morgan was sad as she didn’t go with friends due to her ankle, so we grabbed my nephew and he and Quinn went from house to house as rob followed in the truck and I walked and supervised. I thought it was a good idea as it got me some exercise, but at 2:00 a.m. I am regretting it dearly.

Although there WAS a moment where Quinn grabbed my hand as we walked alone and he said it was his best Halloween ever.

Be still my heart.

That’s what I’m replaying in my head at 2:30 in the morning as I try not to cry from pain.

Being the youngest child isn’t easy, as the novelty of all of the special holidays and events wears off. I want to keep everything going as long as I can with him.

We came home, went through candy, and crashed.

My chest hurt and back hurt, which meant a night of tears and fears. I just took some Tylenol and hope it will help.

Rob thinks it could be the neulasta shot as well which caused bone pain as it forces immature cells to grow faster.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

I received so much support yesterday and I thank you for each and every message. I was contacted by news outlets, but made a decision.

October was a month full of action and awareness. In one month I raised money for Metavivor, protested against Susan g Komen, raised money for my oncologist, was interviewed for several articles and wrote an editorial on the pinkwashing of stage four, started college visits with Maddie, tried to educate the public about our school bond, worked full time teaching kindergarten, and received the hardest chemo they’ve got.

I’m tired.

Had i received the letter a week ago, I probably would have gone with a media blitz.

But I’ve decided I’m tired.

Today is November 1st, and if October was about action and awareness, then November is about grace, gratitude and giving.

That doesn’t mean I’m ever going to step foot back in that building or meet with the men who decided to be judges of my heart and soul.

Blessed be.

In fact, I received many more Messages from people who used to go to the same church who left because they received similar letters.

I’ve decided I’m going to pray for all the people that are left in the church that the elders and pastor actually realize the truth. That they stop preaching about fear and living in sin and condemnation and open their eyes to what faith and Jesus is really about.

My niece sent me a message late last night.

She said “church is not a museum for good people. It is a hospital for the sick and broken.”

I love that.

I’ve been invited to so many churches, and had leaders of the churches reach out. Not to condemn or punish or withhold…

but to give comfort and peace and love.

THAT is what leaders and followers of faith do.

They don’t just talk the talk.

They walk the walk.

I’ll walk with those who walk with Jesus.

Those who withhold communion are walking with the devil.

No thank you.

Although I appreciate all of the offers to go protest the church or call, it’s not needed. There are some who I love that still go there, and they have to figure this all out. I hope no one goes up for communion in that building this Sunday. I hope the elders and pastor read the Bible and stories of how Jesus tended to the sick, the women, the ones in pain. I hope they look back on all of the good families who made that church what it was as and who ended up being kicked out and ostracized or left.

Soon there will be no one left.

That’s not the Christian way.

Jesus welcomes everyone, and I bet he would offer me communion.

This month, I want peace.

I want healing.

I want a pain free body.

I want good scans.

I want an easier chemo, because yesterday was rough. I was sweating and nauseas all day.

I want to feel like Keri, from three years ago.

Today, if you can walk without pain, talk without feeling sick, breathe without issue…Give thanks.

If you can think about three months down the road and not wonder if you’ll still be here, give thanks.

If your newsfeed is full of day after Halloween memes and Christmas jokes instead of death notices for others who this disease has taken far too soon, give thanks.

Find all the things to be thankful for and be grateful.

Spread your grace.

Don’t take anything for granted…

Be grateful for everything.

And please, pray for me.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I was in shock at first when I opened my mail.

Then?

I got angry.

Apparently, on my daughters seventeenth birthday, the elders of my church decided to send me a letter.

A letter claiming not only that I am a sinner, but am a danger to the congregation. That they have been patient due to pity for my situation but decided that NOW is the time to take action against me.

Then for fun, they added that I am no longer welcome to receive communion.

To anyone else, this would be devastating.

Let’s throw on the stage four cancer diagnosis for added measure, shall we?

I could either cry and wail and gnash my teeth and go back and beg for forgiveness.

Or I could expose this group for what they are…

Bullies with bibles.

You see, two and a half years ago, the pastor kept texting me and telling me he wanted to speak to me. So, on an especially weak day, when I went to him and told him how I was afraid and scared… he decided to take the opportunity to tell me I was walking a slippery slope with the different things I was doing as i struggled with a terminal diagnosis. I remember feeling dirty, angry, sick to my stomach, and then suddenly God was whispering to me to get up and get out. I walked out of our meeting crying while he yelled bible verses at me as I went to my car.

But still, I tried.

Madison was in the middle of a two year confirmation class, and I didnt want to mess that up. So eventually, I went back to church. I also have a woman who I love dearly, named Marguerite. We sit with her and I feel like I’m near my nanny.

I kept going back to church, and continued to go on my pathway of healing. I could have kept everything I do quiet, but the Lord has led me to be open. If I can help anyone with something I do, then it’s worth it.

That has not been easy.

I’ve since received letters and messages from people in the congregation telling me the same thing the pastor did. People who have laid hands on me and prayed over me telling me that others who are not in the church that have laid hands on me and prayed over me are causing me to go to hell.

Irony.

I’ve been harassed by one family in particular. The wife and daughter in law sent me sick and twisted messages. My friend Paula was with me when I got one and she was sick to her stomach. I’ve had to block them, and then see them in church and avoid them while trying to forgive.

The pastor recently ramped up contacting me and texted me again and again asking for a meeting. I continued to say no thank you.

During this time, Morgan has started to go to confirmation classes.

I’m just trying to live my life while going through continuous chemo and keep it all together and live and love while working full time.

Last month, on the day I came home from the emergency room, the day we thought I was dying, I received yet another email from the pastor. It stated that I am not allowing him to fulfill his obligation to minister to me.

Talk about ego.

I’m sorry my struggle with cancer makes you feel inadequate, but maybe you should look inside your own heart. He also sent me screenshots of someone else’s Facebook posts and said the congregation feels I am not only going astray, but leading others astray as well.

I responded yet again, told him he is now harassing me, and enough. He finally gave me a promise to never contact me again about this. Apparently he has decided to have others harass me. Which isn’t breaking his promise I guess. Well played.

I tried to go to church soon after but could not even look at him as I left.

So we decided rob would take Morgan, and I would stay home until my feelings of anger passed.

Which is ironic and shows what a good man Rob is, because at almost every bible study their are digs at Catholics. My poor husband has had to sit through years of hearing how his religion is inferior and wrong, and Lutherans are the best.

It’s been quiet… and then?

I got the letter yesterday.

Written on my daughters birthday.

Sent unsigned…

By the elders of the congregation.

They didn’t even have the courage to sign their names.

Men who call themselves the “watchmen”.

Three men.

Men supposedly of faith who decided to send a woman going through the hardest possible chemo that she is no longer welcome to receive communion until she becomes a good little girl and sits with the pastor and the men and be told how she is wrong by trying to find peace through a terminal diagnosis and has been going to help and bringing others along with her.

The sad part is that this church felt like home when I first went. I actually taught there for two years. My original pastors were awesome and we had a thriving youth group. But then?

We got a new pastor.

People started leaving.

It seemed as if every few years another prominent family would leave. There would be a big blow up. They became more rigid. Rules had to be followed.

Now?

There are very few people left.

Mostly elderly.

I love some of those people. Deeply. It’s going to break my heart to not worship with some of them anymore.

But we made a swift decision last night.

We are never walking into that place again.

Ever.

I showed my mom and dad the letter. My dad wants to have a word or two with pastor and the elders.

My mom got a fire in her eyes and said, “Keri, you were born with the grace and mercy of Jesus in your heart. You don’t need any of them to tell you different.”

My husband is a pretty even guy. Last night he sat at the table and read the letter and couldn’t believe it. He said he has been doing his best to keep the three kids together, me together, his business, his house… and he has a pastor and church pissed off and sending his wife letters and emails? Isn’t church supposed to be a place of comfort?

The fact that they wrote I am no longer welcome to receive communion was the kicker.

What would Jesus do?

Jesus even gave communion to Judas, who He knew was going to betray him.

Only perfect people can get communion?

Are they sending letters to people who were divorced? On birth control? Who took His name in vain that week?

Or just stage four cancer patients?

And churches wonder why they are dying.

How dare they deny communion… especially to a stage four cancer patient.

Sick and twisted power play.

But is where God came through.

On the day I received this letter, I also received a box.

A box of books.

Books written by sister Joan Chittester that I ordered on Sunday.

He knew there would be a letter in my mailbox that would try to rock my faith, so he sent me books by a woman who would keep me grounded.

Am I perfect?

No.

Which is why God sent Jesus to save me.

And no matter how many times I fall, He will always save me.

Do I do yoga? You bet your ass I do. Doctors have suggested it. It’s an exercise, you judgy Christians.

Science.

You should look it up someday.

Do I pray every day for Jesus to heal me? Yes.

Does that mean I shouldnt take any chemo? No.

What if my doctor doesn’t believe in Jesus? Does that mean I’m taking something that won’t work because the belief isn’t there?

No.

It’s what I believe that matters.

Have I gone to energy workers? Yes.

There is more and more scientific evidence about energy work. We are all stardust. Energy. Made by God.

Have I gone to Mediums? Yes. We are all mediums. Do you talk to loved ones who have died? Do you talk to Jesus? We are all capable of hearing the Holy Spirit. Jesus spoke to Moses and Elijah in front of three of His disciples. Elijah and Moses has been dead for years and years. They weren’t in cold storage waiting for the day their spirits were risen. Jesus told His disciples they could ask things of Him and He would continue to do them on the other side of life.

Look up 1 Corinthians 12. Spiritual gifts. God gives us gifts today as He did years ago. Everything is possible.

I’m tired of men ruining faith for people.

Weak men who are afraid of women.

Jesus was a man who welcomed women. They were a part of his band.

He was born of a woman.They walked and traveled with Him. He appeared to women first outside the tomb and told them to tell the disciples He had risen.

Men in church are afraid of women.

But not Jesus.

And I bet he never would tell a stage four cancer patient going through chemo she couldn’t partake in communion.

This feels disgusting and dirty. These men have become obsessed with my healing path. If there was a scarlet letter to place on my chest and a stake to tie me to and watch me burn?

I bet they would.

I considered contacting the highest level of the church and file a formal complaint.

I considered contacting the news.

But I’ve decided to simply write the truth.

Expose the bullies with bibles for what they are.

Many of my friends are disgusted who have already seen the letter. I’ve gotten multiple invites to churches in the past few hours.

This is hard on Morgan, as she is only a few months from confirmation. She has spent Saturdays memorizing bible verses and taking tests. Hours on sundays going to church and bible study.

Rob and I dont want our children anywhere near these men, so we are done.

No matter what is said, we will never set foot in that church again.

We will no longer be harassed.

We will not accept any contact by any male elder or pastor.

That church has been slowly dying for years. I will not be surprised to see it close.

As it should.

Ironically, it’s Halloween as I write this.

A day of witches.

A day before all saints day.

I’m sure the elders and men of the church will read this and say the demons have taken my soul.

Boogity boogity boo.

I know the truth.

Jesus has my heart and soul.

I’ll pray for you, men who condemn and pass judgement on women.

I’ll pray for the women in your lives as well.

I’ll pray for the poor people of the congregation who are held hostage to these men.

I’ll pray they see the light, that the Bible is not to be used as a weapon or to keep people in line with the “mans” thinking.

But the bible is to be used as a guide to show how to love.

We have one job.

Love one another.

It’s ironic that the church sent me a letter essentially saying I’m leading others down the path to hell, while I receive messages constantly of people saying how they have found faith again because of my sharing. People praying again.

People believing.

I’m including the letter for you all to see.

It needs to be seen.

Today I’ll throw a halloween party in my class with my “Wild Things”, speak to Jesus, go trick or treating with my kids and have peace in my heart that I am the daughter of a King, and child of God, and no man will shake my faith.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I love the end of October in kindergarten.

We start to get our groove on. They know the routines, letters are clicking, and there is something beautiful about them watching the leaves and the world outside our windows. They really notice the changing colors on the trees and the beauty.

That’s why even though I was nauseus all day and exhausted, I didn’t mind working.

After work I went to Danielle at the peaceful scorpion. Being nauseus all day kept me tense, but she has magical hands and was able to work out all of my cricks and kinks. I found an article on the benefit of massage therapy for chemo and it’s all true. I am a study of one.

I had enough energy to load the dishwasher and fold the laundry when I came home. The things you take for granted when you’re healthy is boundless. Perhaps today I’ll be able to put it away.

I watched the riverhead local live event with the people running for town council. It was so refreshing to see a clean, respectful discussion. It was sad to see commenters who just want wanted to zing the people who are putting themselves out there to help our town. I actually wished we could elect every one of them. They all displayed passion for the town and its people. They tackled the hard discussion of our school overcrowding and population growth in a civil and kind way. Kudos to the candidates.

(and kudos to Tim Hubbard for coming right out and saying we need the bond for the school. I may have missed anyone else saying that, but he caught my ear when he stated it bluntly and clearly.)

It can’t be easy being a public figure and these people all did a fantastic job. Tonight is the supervisor discussion debate, and I hope it’s as civil and respectful as the council people.

Rob got home around 7:00 pm with the girls. Morgan had chamber orchestra and madison had her county championships for cross country. I’ve been so lucky with the programs the district has offered. The music program has been top notch. The last fine arts director just left, and I’m really hoping the district hands the baton to someone who has proven himself for years as beyond capable and should have been hired for the job years ago. It was a huge mistake not to hire him back then. When you hire from within, you show people you value their worth. Our district is in charge of NYSSMA this year, and I know what an undertaking that entails. We also have many musicians who will be eligible for music competitions and scholarships for college. We can’t let our music kids slip through the cracks. Our town tends to go Gaga over sports. As a parent of musical kids, we need to support these kids just as much.

When madison walked through the door, I asked her how she did and she said her time. I was shocked as it was about five minutes slower than usual. She then told me she was running down the big hill at sunken meadow and heard screaming and crying. She ran over and it was one of her teammates. The thing with cross country is the runners are by themselves in the course that winds through the woods. Maddie didn’t even think. She stopped running the race and ran to the girl. Then? She started to carry her teammate. Another one of her friends, Shannon, one of the kindest kids you’ll ever meet, stopped running as well. She said they carried her out together through the woods and rainy mist to where there was a section where there were spectators. Their coach saw them and came running over, took over and told them they could finish if they wanted.

So she went back into the race, knowing she had no chance of getting any sort of good time.

We’ve been speaking of trying to get scholarships and perhaps running in college. We had just been at college night and discussed track and cross country in college. And the next night?

She made the choice to be a better human than a faster runner.

She was shocked that more kids didn’t stop and help, but I wasn’t. Finding the helpers is a rare thing. Everyone is out for themselves these days, and if there is something happening, odds are people will use their hands to take out their phones and make a nasty or snide comment or videotape it.

Let’s work on raising a new generation of helpers . People who want to make the world better and help others. The people running for town council. The kids helping others when they see people fall.

Service to others can be life changing.

Today, may we all see how we can make someone else’s life better, easier, full of more beauty.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

For the first time in a long time, maybe a year…

I’m taking off the day to rest.

I’ve lucked out that the last two heavy chemo sessions fell during a three day weekend, and my next one will as well.

Yesterday was hard.

I was literally only on the couch all day long.

Just my little black beanie covering my head, under the blankets.

Which was hard on the kids and rob too. Seeing me like that can’t be easy. But they are troopers and kept me company, asking what I needed. Maddie even laid down on the couch next to me and did her reading assignment.

I watched some hallmark Christmas movies, and tried to stay out of the dark place of wondering if this will be my last Christmas. I think that’s why I want to start now, because morbidly if it’s my last, I want it to be longer.

Yup.

That’s how we think on crash days.

October has been a hard month in my support groups. Everyone hates the pink. The save the tatas, instead of save the lives. Some of our leaders have passed or are not doing well. The death bell keeps on ringing.

I emailed my hospital team and sent them a picture of my friend who ran the marathon wearing my shirt for my oncologist, as well as the news I received another donation. My oncologist simply said “Wow”. I said that October was action and awareness month, and November? I’ll celebrate my birthday and three year thrivership with gratitude, grace, giving, and hopefully good scans. We are going to try and set up a media photo for us to take a picture of how much we have raised in three weeks. My goal was $3,000. We’ve blown that away. I want people to realize they can do simple things and small things locally to make a big difference globally. How amazing will it be when her research helps not only me, but countless others now and in the future ?

I also watched an Oprah super soul Sunday and had an aha moment. She was interviewing Sister Joan Chittester, and everything this woman said resonated deep in my soul. I’ve struggled recently with religion. Being told one is better that others. She has a saying that “Beware the religion that turns you against another one. It’s unlikely that it’s really religion at all.”. She said all religions point to the same thing. God is light. God is love. She also said Jesus was a feminist. Let’s think about this.

God could have just sent Jesus down to earth, fully formed. But He chose Mary, a woman, to deliver Him to us. Jesus then had his group of disciples, but he also had women walk and travel with him. Who did He appear to first when he rose from the dead?

I’m sick and tired of religions making women inferior. Only men can be be priests. Only men in church are the elders. No wonder religions are so messed up and people are leaving religion in droves.

Women make up half the world. Who are the oppressed? Women and children. How are the men doing taking care of everyone? Most of the world leaders are men. How is the state of our world? Men are so easily intimated by women, they fall back on the easy hits of making fun of their looks. One man who started a local civic group recently did it by publicly making fun of the eyelashes of our superintendent. Way to get a point across. Go after women’s looks, and your message dies a swift death while you show your true heart. Then Kick out women with opposite opinions from your group and silence them.

That’s the way of world these days.

Show me the people who want to have conversations, listen on their tipptytoes to opposing viewpoint, can speak without being offensive and listen without being defensive, and want to solve problems instead of scream about how other humans are inferior.

Those are my people.

The ones who welcome everyone.

The ones who don’t know what to do, but want to “do something”. So they do.

Anyone is welcome at my table who wants to help others.

People get caught up and say they are good Christians. What does that even mean?

I think people need to look in their hearts and their words and their actions.

Then ask the question again.

Am I kind to myself and others?

Do I spread light and love to all, even to those who I disagree with?

Am I doing something to make this world better, not just for me but for all?

Sister Joan said, “Alone, I am what I am, but in community I have the chance to become everything I can be.”

She is amazing. I’ll share the video again on my wall.

Today I’m hoping for the comeback day. It’s Halloween week and I’ve got a huge class party to throw on Thursday. We are making our own costumes and Penny has been hard at work on the big item for each child. It’s going to be great.

Today, may the comeback be quick, and may we all “do something” as we point to the light.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri