Yesterday was scary…. and so beautiful.

I decided I would get my cry out in the shower and then not cry all day. So I cried and cried and prayed to Jesus. Then?

I played the Gospel song by Kirk Franklin called “Declaration, This is it! “ and the song by hilltop worship “Not Today”. I sang the words as dried my tears and started to get ready. I chose my shirt…”Fighting cancer, taking chemo and still this sexy”, enjoyed every second of drying my hair, threw on some red lipstick in honor of the chemo, then packed my bag.

I packed a blanket my dear friend Joann gave me. It’s has pictures of my family, and I cover my body with it when I’m in the chair. I took out my chalkboard set, where I write what day of chemo it is for my chemo chair picture. I couldn’t believe I packed it away a year ago thinking it would be years before I needed it again. Then I packed mints, and my brand new big bible. Even if I didnt get to do my bible study, I would have it with me.

Rob took the kids to school and I did a dance party in my kitchen to the Kirk Franklin. “Are you going to wait a sign? Your miracle? Stand up fight! THIS IS IT!” I put it in instagram and Facebook stories for the day so anyone who wanted to dance with me could, and I know I didn’t dance alone.

Then rob came and we went to target for the frozen peas and socks…. and I raided the mini erasers for my class.

Always a teacher when at Target.

Then the beauty began.

The prayers on Facebook, the love sent my way. The president of the north fork breast health coalition sent me some humbling news and something to look forward to in March. My daughters track coach sent me a message last night of another event I’m looking forward to and humbled over for October. Total strangers who have been following me sent me messages of hope, as well as advice.

You all have no idea what a like, a heart, a comment, or a meme does for me. I see every… single… one. I still don’t have my fingerprints back on my fingers from the xeloda, so it takes a lot for me to type or respond on the phone, finding the right spot where my finger still works.

But I see you.

And I love you.

I walked into the cancer center and it has become a second home. Yesterday, God sent every single person who has ever helped me to see me.

Heather, the nurse my friend cathy sent to me, gave me a powerful hug. I know she was watching over me all day. My friend amy sent me her friend Monica who works in the infusion lab. My tomcat joe has a sister whose boyfriend’s mother trains all the nurses. She came and hugged me over and over as I sat in the chair. We talked about our love for the Murphy family, and last night I got a message from donors choose that I got a $25 referral credit, so I used it on Tomcat Joe’s sister’s

Classroom project. That family is a blessing. All of the receptionists know me by now and loved my shirt and red lips. I saw my pet scan tech Wayne from Mattituck down the hall as I was getting weighed and yelled I wanted better results next time. We both laughed. My friend from high school, Kerri, has a sister in law who She sent to me the day of my first biopsy, and she walked me through it all. She was there hugging me as well. I saw Pushpa, my clinical trial coordinator and she checked on me with hugs all day. Hermina stopped and we talked and hugged, and she told me some more things. The Adriamycin isn’t usually used in stage four, and it can cause blood cancers later on. But we are in shark infested waters right now, and going for the shark closest to the boat. That’s why research is everything. There may be a trial out now for the shark that’s ten feet away, so if I kill the shark with its jaws open and two feet away, I’ll be ok.

My port access for labs to make sure of the dosing I would get went beautifully, and they left the tubing in since I was getting chemo later. It’s a weird feeling walking around with a tube sticking out of your chest, not gonna lie.

Then we saw Dr Stopeck. I just love this woman. She and her new assistant, Mary, went over everything. When I told then I haven’t eaten anything except liquids since Tuesday, they were a little shocked. But when I explained how fasting would make the chemo more effective by making the healthy cells lay dormant and chemo cells gobble it up, they thought it was interesting and made sense. I emailed her all of the studies and papers I found on it. We also discussed the theory of Adriamycin and my dad, and the p53 specific mutation and how this could possible be a good DNA damaging agent, which is why my dad hasn’t had another cancer in over twenty years after getting FIVE primary cancers in rapid succession. I sent her all of the slides and files Donnie sent me on that as well.

We had a serious discussion about how this chemo is the “Big Gun”. I think it’s the mother of all chemo therapy for breast cancer. Which is scary. This has to work. We discussed how my scalp may really hurt as hair falls out in the next two weeks or so. We discussed nausea meds. I did zofran when I was pregnant and hyperemesis gravidarum all three times. It didn’t work. So we also added compazine. I may stagger the two drugs. One gives headaches and one gives tiredness. We will see. Donnie wants me to have a nauseous edge to keep me in a fasting state.

We also discussed neulasta. Donnie was adamant against it. She said my counts will drop to zero around day 7-9, and without it, i would probably have to delay the chemo next time. We agreed on making a decision each time and perhaps staggering it. Skipping every other dose, depending on my labs. I expect my labs to be great with my herbalists teas and Donnie’s supplements. It will be a challenge to swallow seventy something pills a day while nauseas on an empty stomach, but I’ll do it. Maybe that’s why God pressed the “Lets help Keri take more than one pill at a time” button last week.

She examined me and my breast is harder and the lump got bigger. I told her I wasnt surprised because I felt the pain in my breast. I’m super intuitive as to what is going on inside. She said the major pain issue is probably the liver tumors pressing on a nerve, as well as the diaphragm, which is why breathing is challenging. In a week or so she also agrees I will know if it’s working by the labs and my pain.

She said she felt good about this. She has said that about every other drug too, but she always means it. I’m hopeful too.

Then we had over an hour and a half before my chair time, so we walked to the main hospital center. It has a big addition and we walked through it. It’s beautiful, and doesn’t feel like a hospital. I got a lot of looks with my shirt, red lipstick, and tube sticking out of my chest. I think I was confusing to everyone.

They have a Jamba Juice and a Panera as well as the cafeteria. Of course it’s while I’m fasting. Rob got soup and lunch, and I splurged and had warm liquid veggie broth soup and hot tea.

As we walked back to the hospital, i said maybe this is what Odile, “madame swoosh”, meant. Others who have this much cancer inside look like they are dying, but not me. She can’t explain it, but not me. She is coming back October 10th, and I cant wait to see her.

Walking into the infusion area was painful.

The bell.

The damn bell.

I rang that bell and cried and prayed I wouldn’t ever be back, even knowing as a stage four patient it was likely, and here I am, exactly one year later. They called my name and I immediately got hugs from everyone. It was like coming home.

I love Stony Brook.

My nurse Jean was my first nurse last time I had chemo, and we’ve become friends. I had her granddaughter in first grade years ago, and when another teacher from my building was getting chemo, she wrote to me that I had the granddaughter of her chemo nurse in my class. Years later… I have the nurse I was told about.

She gave me a crown in honor of childhood cancer day. There’s too many damn cancers, and not enough research. I wore it in honor of all the children I’ve come to know through this.

With this chemo, it’s like you have your own personal nurse, as it comes in syringes and they have to push it slowly into the port. Jean knows rob and I so well. We joke and laugh and tell stories. When rob went to the bathroom, she said he really Ioves me, you can tell.

And he does.

He was my rock again all day. Held my hand with every scary moment. I pray for my children and everyone to have a Rob in their life.

It is a process getting chemo. We didn’t have to access the port so that was quicker. The pre med was pushed called Emend and will helpfully hold off nausea for three days. I’ve been told the hit comes around 7 or so, so I’ll watch this cycle then know which day to take off of work. Don’t tell me to stop working. I’m surrounded all day my friends and colleagues who are family to me, and these children have already worked their way into my heart. I’m getting to finally know their quirks and funny little things. The nurses warned me about germs, but I’ll be safe with hand washing and standing up when they hug me. I already did the cover your nose and mouth lesson, as well as if you feel sick, don’t tell me, just go right to the garbage can.

I’ll review it next week. We have off Monday and Tuesday, so that’s good. I got pictures of them playing and it was beautiful. Penny knows I love getting updates and pictures .

When the chemo came, it takes two nurses to check it is right, and comes in a huge yellow caution bag. I took a picture and prayed. I called it the blood of Jesus. It looks candy apple red. It took about fifteen minutes, then cytoxine was hung with my IV bag. I was pushed with a lot of saline to help with liquids. It’s so important I drink a lot and stay hydrated. The thing with Adriomycin is it turns your pee red. I was told if it’s still red after four or five bathroom trips, I’m not drinking enough and need to drink more. I’m not embarrassed to say after three I was all good.

That’s a relief.

Listen, you all know everything about me anyway… and no. I haven’t gone to starbutts yet.

I have no shame.

We finished chemo and went home. My amazing parents had my kids and got dinner for us from sarah and the cooking for friends meal train. Thank you all so much. I had no idea what a blessing it would be. Rob doesn’t haven’t to worry at all some nights and it makes his life a little easier.

Then rob, Morgan and I went to the middle school.

Yup.

Because I can.

Once again, halls were easy to navigate and classes were not at all full. Come on, parents. Get to know your kids teachers. They are great. I had teachers that had Maddie looking out for Morgan. One of her teachers who was a mentor last year has offered to mentor Morgan again. So this morning, Morgan goes to school and spends some time before school with her beloved Benze. We are blessed.

I also got hugs and kisses galore from former parents and friends. Rob was like, come on! We’re not here for hugs and kisses!

But I was.

I totally was.

It filled me up with every person who grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me.

Thank you, RCSD staff and families.

I got home at 9:15 and went into a detox bath.

I’m been in one now again for the last half hour.

Quinn is starting to say he isn’t feeling well, but I know it’s anxiousness about me, as well as camping all weekend. I’m leaving my parents number with them if he needs to get picked up from camping. Morgan is staying with me parents because she can’t wait to snuggle with nanny and watch Rizzoli and isles or some show. They are my mystery girls. We are planning on packing a puke bucket if needed, meds, water, and then head to Boston with Maddie tomorrow. Hopefully Emerson will give us a tour last minute. We will come home Sunday.

Please keep praying that I detox quickly and feel NO side effects, and be completely healed forever.

God can do anything.

Look what He did yesterday?

Amazing.

I love each and every one of you. Those from Valley Stream Central, from riverhead, from cortland, who have all touched my

Life. Those who I’ve never met but have been sent to me. You give me as much love and hope as you say I give you.

It comes down to love.

Love always helps.

May today be a great day, because we are alive.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I love Donnie Yance and the Mederi Center.

For two weeks now, I’ve had a feeling of imminent death in my spirit. I couldn’t shake it. No matter how hard I prayed or researched…

I believed I was dying soon. Like three months left or so. The statistics came roaring back and the original prognosis was on repeat.

It’s a horrible way to live.

Then?

I spoke to Donnie and Erin.

God gave me yesterday, the day before I start this new chemo with horrible nicknames.

I went to school and wore my Disney Dapper Day dress with crinoline and put on red lipstick. As I styled my hair, I cried thinking how it was going to fall out again. The thoughts of this being my last school picture ever was on repeat, and it was hard.

I went into school and was immediately lifted up by seeing how my kinders were dressed. One little girl was wearing a bright pink felt crown with the words “Happy New Year”. I had a feeling her family couldn’t read what the crown said, and I asked in Spanish if her mom knew she was wearing it. She said yes. I asked why she was wearing it, and she said because she is a princess.

I said of course she is. So my class picture has a big felt pink crown in it, and I love it. Who am I to burst the dream and feelings of a five year old?

We had a great morning, and the kids loved the poofy dress.

Wait until they see my wigs.

At lunch my union president came and we had the discussion no one ever wants. I’ve had to have it almost every year, but this time was different and felt more real. We both cried a lot. He is looking out for me, and anyone who bashes unions can kiss my ass. God bless my union. If I were to die without a certain paper filled out, my family would lose out on my retirement. I never filled it out before because I felt if I did, the bad thing would happen. Now? I’m saying it’s my snowblower policy. When you buy a snowblower, it doesn’t snow. When you fill out death paperwork, you don’t die. He pointed out again everyone is going to die and he could get hit by a bus leaving… which as schools teachers, we are facing danger every day if you think about it. I reminded him that yes, it’s true… but I’ve had a bus with my face plastered on the side of it following me and stalking me every day for three years.

Needless to say, I needed a sliver of hope when I spoke to the Mederi center.

I had a whisper about how my dad has all these cancers twenty years ago, they all got cut out, then he had this same powerful drug prophylactically.

Every cancer is different. Science is finding out the cancer is made up of many mutations. I have several and one is very rare and most dangerous. I thought that maybe, this new chemo can affect the mutated cells.

When I mentioned that to Donnie, he referred to his 300 slide research PowerPoint he has on Adriamycin and said that actually….

Yes.

This drug can be powerful on cells with that mutation if they are sensitive to it.

And there we go.

Hope.

I asked about the liver necrosis and he said it could actually be a sign of the tumor dying. This is why detox will be so important to me, as when the tumor dies, I have to get it out of my body as my liver is overtaxed with the tumor burden. Perhaps I will try that grande ass latte. We will see.

He said that the intense pain and issue breathing is being caused by the position of the tumors, and it could be pressing on a nerve. Nerve pain is debilitation, and that’s why we thought I was dying last week. He said that I need to stay away from Percocet, as some studies show that these pain drugs help the cancer. I’m using the pain as my guide this week, as he said the pain should lessen within a few days of starting this chemo. If it does, that’s a sign it’s working. If it doesn’t, we will have to look quickly for a new therapy to try. His big concern is what do we use next. This chemo is one you can’t stay on long because of toxicity, and the issues it causes with the heart, bone marrow and bladder. So his brilliant mind and intuitive soul will be researching, meditating and praying.

He said his protocol should help me get through treatment very well. He said the crash usually comes day 7-9. We will see with me. He said I should be ok to take Maddie to see a college this weekend. So we are going to see how I do and then go live my life. Quinn will be camping all weekend, Morgan wants to spend time with nanny and grandpa. We will all take a break and live.

He mentioned a study he is doing with seventy plus long term cancer survivors and every single one of them had this drug. That also seemed promising.

He said the confusing thing is my labs.

My liver is healthier than most of you. He said the lab results show its functioning perfectly. The tumor markers only rose very little, and are not that reliable, as they are still close to normal range with all this cancer. I’m unique, that’s for sure.

We discussed his big benefit in November the weekend of November 22. He has some Grammy award winning musicians coming and it’s a concert to raise money for Mederi. He said there will be many survivors there and it will be good for me to be there. I told him he is like the wizard of oz, and just meeting Kym during the video shoot, and hearing from Hollie afterwards, was amazing. It’s like I’m Dorothy and now I’ve met the tin man and scarecrow. Others who are on this yellow brick road in cancerland and know what this is like. The journey is always easier to see the wizard with friends.

We discussed the fasting that Rick Shapiro messaged me about and it makes total sense. Cancer cells are like your ravers at a party. They go, go, go, and don’t stop. The healthy cells however, get lethargic when you sleep as when you don’t eat. They don’t get the energy they need. When the chemo is injected, the cancer cells go crazy and gobble it up, while the healthy cells are laying dormant going, “I am starving but have no energy to eat that.” I didn’t eat yesterday and just had tea and water. I won’t eat today or tomorrow either. I’ll slowly add soups and broths and juices. It is so hard, especially for a former stress eater who use to drink wine as well to take the edge off.

But after having the death bus stalk me for three years… I can do all hard things.

We finished the call and hope entered my soul again. I went to Morgan’s field hockey game and sat with my angel friend Amy. We talked and watched our girls play as the sun shined on us and the breeze was gentle. It was nice and needed.

Then I brought morgan home, tried a bite of the dinner that was dropped off so as to not mess up the fast, then went to the high school for open house.

Man.

My daughter is brilliant and I have no idea how she does it. She doesn’t have a lunch and every class is beyond my level of intelligence. Her teachers?

I love every single one. Every…single…one.

Screw what the papers say.

It’s not the teachers that are failing.

It’s the parents.

There were only five to seven parents in each class. It was easy to get through the halls. What does that tell you?

A small percentage of parents are involved. No one says that because it’s politically incorrect. I say bullshit. If you work, you take off for a night like this. If a stage four cancer patient can go the night before starting heavy chemo…

There are whispers of having to go to split sessions. Let me tell you, you don’t want that. I hope the district removes the sports complex and administrative offices from the bond and the town wakes up and passes it while also making sure everyone who goes here lives here. Crack down on the landlords who shove five families in a house. It’s not safe for anyone. Our high school is amazing. It’s also drowning. It’s time for hard conversations and people to come together to solve this crisis.

Our kids are depending on us.

It’s almost five am, I’ve been up sweating and starving. I have a headache and am anxious about chemo today. I’ve got a great nurse ready for me. I’ll see my doctor at 10, then chemo at 1:15. The chemo is red, and instead of “red devil” or “red death”, I’m looking at it as the blood of Jesus being injected to save my life.

I’ll wear red lipstick too.

I’ve said I feel like Job from the Bible, as it’s been trial after trial lately. May this latest trial simply make the comeback story that greater.

May today bring me out of the woods, as Donnie said. May it clear all cancer for good, and the miracle happen.

In Jesus’s name. Amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is my last day without any chemo.

I’m anxious and scared, but gearing up for a fight and preparing.

I’ll get my peas and blueberries and new big socks to cover my hands and feet. I’ll find my chemo sign and pack my chemo suitcase. I’ll pray.

My magical fairy cancer godfather, Rick Shapiro, who has interviewed the brightest minds and survivors for his book “Hope Never Dies”, sent me a message last night about fasting the day before, the day of, and the day after to help mitigate side effects. He also sent medical links in messages prior. I have a conference call with Donnie today, and will ask. But I’ll also fast anyway. Just water and tea. I’ll do anything to be able to live.

I’ve lost almost ten pounds in the last two weeks since stopping the xeloda. Could be stress or could be not being on a chemo.

I said to rob I cant believe how fast the liver went down hill. I got the scan reports and there are several very large tumors, and the word “necrotic tissue” was used. That makes me think the liver is dying. You can’t live without the liver.

Add that to the sudden onset of pain, right after the slight increase in tumor markers, and it became red alert. In two weeks I went from being hopeful I could stay on the xeloda for a long time, to being in pain constantly, hard to take deep breaths, and now going to take very toxic chemo tomorrow to try to save my life.

That’s how quick it can all go downhill in cancer land.

That’s why stage four women can become militant and seem angry during October. We are dying for a cure and everyone else has their pretty pink blinders on doing party races and not wanting to look at all of us gasping for air because we represent the scary future that 20-30% of them will eventually have. Then the executives at Komen and the American cancer society seem like they want the best as they make huge salaries off the corpses of cancer patients while pushing for people to get tested and become “aware”. I keep seeing a cartoon in my head with people going into a machine and coming out one of two tubes. One tube is pink partyland, where everyone wears pink and dances. The other tube is cancerland, where everyone has IV poles and are sick and scared and the people flying out of the tube are like, “What the hell just happened? How come pink partyland gets all the good stuff? Why won’t they look at us and give US what we need? They aren’t dying… we are!!! LOOK AT US!! HELP US!!!”

But the machine workers keep eating their caviar and sending people into the machine.

Every once in a while, they’ll grab the pink partyland people, throw them back in the machine and they end up in cancerland. That person is like, “What the HELL? They said I was cured??? Wait… why didn’t i fight for research when I was healthy? Now I have to fight while going through treatment? Im so sorry, cancerland patients, for being ignorant.” Then the cancerland patients all give the newbies hugs and advice and coffee enemas and peas and blueberries and cream for feet and hand and wigs and say, “Welcome. We hate you are here but we will love you and fight for you until we die.” as they watch people all around them fall.

True story.

Someone needs to make that movie.

And maybe give it a happy wending where the pink partyland people and all the people waiting on line to go into the machine wake up, find research instead of pink crap, and more treatments are found to make it chronic instead of terminal.

A girl can dream.

I’m so glad Donnie will be speaking to me today. He always gives me hope. I emailed my oncologist about some other possible liver treatments that some of my social media friends have sent me, but she said it hasn’t been proven to work in breast cancer patients. For those wondering, I cant get a liver transplant. Stage four.

So I’m laying back and giving it all to God. My story is already written. He knows how this ends. I’m not giving up, I’m giving it up. But I’m still in control of how I live. So I’ll fast when all I really want is to stuff my face and have some wine. A girl could use a drink right about now. I wrote to all of my families and told them what was going on. My friend Dienamarie has been a huge support. She went through this and said she kept working except for a day or two here and there.

I know some pretty badass and beautiful people.

I have been inundated with messages of prayers. I’ve had over 500 messages and texts in the last few days, and those people are having other people pray as well. So keep praying.

As for my kids, rob said Morgan burst into tears yesterday about something at school, which she then handled beautifully. For a thirteen year old girl, this is so hard and it will come out in ways other than you think. Andear teacher friend emailed me and said when she hugged our girl, Morgan said it’s probably not as bad as mom thinks.

I love my ray of sunshine.

Maddie had her first practice for the play and loooooooves it. She throws herself into being super busy, which is how she deals.

Quinn was cuddly and quiet last night. He worries me the most. I have to be the strongest for him. I was diagnosed when he was eight, so most of his life he can remember has been a mom with cancer. That isn’t easy.

I emailed all of their teachers and informed them about what is happening. I got some beautiful responses and am so proud of my children.

Please God, let this work.

Let me see them grow up.

I haven’t had enough time with them.

We have circled the wagons so to speak, and rob, my parents, and my siblings have all been preparing to help. Rob and I are so thankful for my family and our friends. This is going to be hard, and having people who love us and are there for us is everything. I was walking to the office yesterday and the husband of our past PTO president burst through the doors with a great big hug and flowers at that moment, and said “That was God” as we met at the moment he walked in. Another friend Kim got me a new hat to wear over my bald head. I’m surrounded by love.

Today I’ll teach, and then leave at 2:00 for the conference call with Donnie at 2:15. Then Morgan has a home game for field hockey, then rob is taking Quinn to Boy Scouts and i have open house. This weekend is big for the scout troop, as they prepare to finish the hike that they couldn’t last year because a drunk driver hit the scouts and killed one of the little boys. He looks so much like Quinn, and my heart sends the family love every time I hug Quinn. The drunk driver has been playing games and still has not had his justice. He has taken back his apology. I am asking for everyone to hold the McMorris family in your hearts as they prepare to honor Andrew this weekend and finish the hike. Then? Pray for swift justice.

Tomorrow is the start of my seventh type of treatment in three years. Making today count is my goal.

May I breathe.

May I be at peace.

May my family be at peace.

May we all be strong and courageous, for God has a plan for me, and Jesus paid for my sins. May complete healing be mine.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I cried in bed with rob last night. I told him how much I want to see the kids grow up, how much I love him, and how I cant seem to shake the death feeling that has come over me.

It was a rough night.

Still is, at 3:30 am.

The kids know. We had a family meeting and discussed what was going to happen. They are scared, and quieter. We will pull together as we always have. I’m emailing their teachers today.

I’ve stopped researching adriomycin and cytoxin. Seeing the red devil and red death over and over is not good. I’m renaming it the Scarlett savior.

How is this my life?

When will enough be enough?

When will God say, OK. She has proven herself worthy of a miracle?

I keep thinking of Megan, Leila, Alycia, lisa… and all of the other stage four friends i have had who have passed. How have we not solved this??

All the money that goes to pink products makes me sick. Don’t spend the money on a pink shirt this October. Send it to Metavivor. That will help someone eventually.

I am so scared.

I just got my hair back.

I’ve done nausea before with all three pregnancies for nine months each with hyperemesis. Now this? Again?

My friend Jennifer Williamson said she feels that ill make it through, and the cells with learn to coexist and ill just keep living with cancer. I don’t care what all those judgy bible people say. Jesus has been pretty quiet lately, and if someone who has been given a gift can help me breathe at night, so be it.

I’m going to school today and teaching. Yesterday we used play doh to make swirly mazes, I gave out straws and ping pong balls and they had to blow their ball through the maze they made. We also had a lock down drill and lockout drill. My hope is they remember the play doh and not the drill. I’m going for training today for one of the new programs, and I’ll keep telling myself I’ll be here to implement it.

One of my favorite nurses (although they are all my favorites) is going to be my nurse for Thursday. God isn’t healing me as I asked, but he is sending me the people who make this easier.

I have gotten so many prayers in the past day or two. Please don’t let up. Pray and storm the heavens for the next eight weeks.

This has to work.

I said my final goodbye to my brother and sister in law and they prepare to move to North Carolina. They laid hands on me and prayed over me at the field where Morgan was playing. God sent me them that moment. I had them over the night before but an extra hug is always good.

I just emailed my oncologist about two procedures that other cancer thrivers sent to me regarding the liver. Hepatic arterial infusion and chemobolization or bland embolization. I have a feeling the liver is just too far gone for those.

I feel it.

I actually feel the liver with every breath and the pain. Which will be good in a way that as the chemo progresses, if the pain lessens that would be a good sign.

Erin said I’m one of the strongest clients she and Donnie have ever seen. That made me feel better. I’m so glad i have an emergency appointment tomorrow with him to gear up and get a new protocol. My herbalist is also working on a new formula. They didn’t bat an eye this time when I told them of the heavy chemo coming, which said a lot. They know it’s Hail Mary time.

I think that’s why i walked at the north fork breast health coalition 5K Sunday. I knew a hard time was coming. I’m glad I spent time with so many who love me, and could celebrate my friend candy’s ten year survivorship. I pray to reach that goal too.

I’ve cried a lot the last 24 hours.

I’ve prayed a lot.

Now it’s time to suit up and prepare for the fight for my life.

Please Jesus, heal me.

Take all the cancer away, and let me see my children grow up and love my rob for years and years to come.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Waiting for scan results is living in a state of limbo. I’m scared every time I open my email that I will see my oncologist’s name. It’s not supposed to come until Monday. I have visions of her looking at the pictures all weekend and coming up with my options, trying to figure out how to prolong my life while keeping quality of my life in her mind.

That email will then go to Donnie Yance at Mederi, and his brilliant mind will look at my

Oncologist’s brilliant mind and together we will come up with a plan.

But meanwhile, I sit not knowing how I will be next weekend. We planned on taking madison for a college visit, and I dont know if I’ll be sick from an infusion or losing hair or good to go. I try to stay in the moment.

It’s so damn hard.

But yesterday God was with me all day long.

I decided to be in a detox bath at 9 am with holy water poured into the bathtub. That’s the time that was set for a special prayer to a saint that a woman my sister knows set up. At nine o clock I started to read the words and began to cry so hard I could barely speak. Every time I recited the prayer I went under water afterwards. Then my phone began beeping and I got texts and messages from all over the world of friends praying at that moment. South Africa even had people praying. People shared the post and total strangers piled on in prayer. It’s humbling when even strangers pray for you. I’m still traumatized from Wednesday when we thought I could be dying, and there are some who haven’t reached out with a kind word or “So glad you didn’t die”. So having strangers pray fervently for me made me so grateful.

It took me a while to get going after the bath, and finally came downstairs at 11:00. It was the maritime festival yesterday and I wanted so badly for my kids to go and have a fun day, but we just couldn’t go. We ended up staying home and doing laundry and schoolwork. I took my new bible and tabbed it all up, then began to dive in. I am not going in order, but instead going to where God leads me to read.

Yesterday was psalm 31, a plea for protection. So many verses stood out for me, and I marked them up. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

The person who kept emailing me and questioning my faith sent another one, but this time finally got the message to leave me alone. Listen, I know I can do all things through Christ…

But that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel at times that God doesn’t care and has forgotten me. And please, don’t ever say God only gives you what you can handle and he gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers. Seriously, don’t. That doesn’t help and just makes me angrier in the moment.

I can still love Jesus and be angry that this is my lot in life. Why give me this beautiful family and then dangle death in front of me every damn day? Why make everything so hard and no good scan results for YEARS? It’s like I’m left in the desert with no water and every time I think I see a pond, it’s a mirage.

I dont want a reason.

Whatever purpose this is for, I want it gone. Yet I cling to the purpose even though I don’t know what it is, but it still hurts and there are days I wish I could turn back time because it’s so damn hard.

But here’s the thing.

When your faith shrinks and shrinks and shrinks to being so tiny you can barely see it, that’s ok. It just needs to be the size of a mustard seed and He will hear you. He can hear you when you can’t even speak because you are crying so hard or don’t have the words. You can rest, and He will be your shelter.

I’ve looked back on some of the hardest days and see that He was there with me. He sends me signs and reminds me He is there. A girlfriend of mine who is a pilot sent me a picture she took the day of the petscan as she was flying. It was a rainbow as she was praying for me up in the clouds, at the same moment I was in the machine with Christmas music on, and was dreaming of rainbows.

He did that.

And He had her send me the picture the next da to remind me that He is everywhere, especially when you’re up in the clouds.

I count those blessings and know that more are coming. Even in the hard days.

The psalm I read has that message all throughout.

Rob took Quinn to golf and have a “Bro night”, and I took the girls to see the high school

Play.

Sister act.

Yup. I spent the night with singing nuns on the day everyone prayed for me.

I met three mom friends there whose girls are Morgan’s blessings. I told them about Wednesday and cried, and my hand was held as I was told to remember that I am a miracle. I’m so grateful for people who show up and hold my hand and hug me. I saw other people I know and got hugs and tissues.

The show was amazing, and they have another show today at 2.

I wish every person who comments on our district in the local news would go and see it. Our kids have talent, and are amazing. I laughed and cheered and clapped as kids I’ve watched as they have grown up sang and played instruments and danced.

Madison was excited to go and hung out with friends. She is so excited to be in the next Musical, and said she is “in the club”.

My heart is full for my kids.

I began my day with prayer, and ended my day cheering on nuns with gold habits. God reminded me to sing and dance.

I came home and have had a breakthrough with pills. I can do nine or ten at a time, and it’s a miracle. If it continues, pill taking will become less stressful and I will gain an hour or two of my life back.

Today I’m going to go to Tanger for the North Fork Breast Health Coalition 5K. I’m probably not going to do it, as it is still hard to breathe and I have pain. But it’s one of the few organizations I support. They directly help patients with grants to help them with whatever they need. The money goes to where it should. I’ll be the pink elephant, the one no one wants to be, but I’ll be there.

My friend Candy is celebrating five years

Cancer free. She is the one you all have to thank for this blog and pictures. She told me on the night I was diagnosed to take pictures, as I won’t remember anything.

Then I’ll try to go food shopping and come home and journal again. I wonder what words God will place in my heart today?

Maybe it will be the story of Job, and how the devil tested him for years. He kept his mustard seed through all of his hard trials.

I will too.

So whatever hard trials you are going through, hold onto your seed. Look for your blessings, put one step in front of the other, and breathe.

It’s ok to cry, be angry, question.

But keep talking to Him.

No matter how hard.

Hold that seed, friend.

Keep going.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Prayers are working for me.

I asked everyone to pray Wednesday when i thought I was dying. I told rob over and over I love him and to tell the kids I love them. That’s all I had in my mind.

Not that I wished I worked more, or bought fancier clothes, or had spent more time trying to lose the chemo weight. All I thought about was trying to not die and breathe, and making sure my love for my husband and children was known. It was traumatic, but I know God was near me by sending me people who love me and having people send me love. And by some miracle, I lived. It wasn’t the pulmonary embolism. I didn’t need the surgery. They think it’s the cancer and sent me home.

I even taught the next day, and loved every second, because I COULD. I was ALIVE.

Yesterday prayers surrounded me all over again. We realized I had to be at the hospital earlier and had to drop off Morgan and Quinn much earlier. I knew Morgan would be ok, but Quinn gets belly aches on hospital days and it was really early , 7:30. I texted some teacher friends if they could keep an eye out for him. Candy Perry is my sorority sister from Cortland. Joanne Armstrong is a sister in Christ. Torre Falkner worked with me for years in both Roanoke and Aquebogue and is the living example of if you expect miracles, you get miracles.

Three women.

Three.

They immediately texted me back and his teacher Mike Kanter also hopped on the support train and told the ladies to send Quinn to him. Torre met us in the parking lot, I quick cried on her shoulder as Quinn got out and couldn’t see, them he went off with this woman I love as we pulled away and I cried. I wish I took a picture of him with her. My child is surrounded by angels in Pulaski.

On my way to the hospital I set up my Amazon account to donate .05% of every purchase

To metavivor. They are suggesting Susan g Komen, a machine that only donates 19% to stage four research, which is the only thing that will cure cancer. The salaries of their admins are outrageous. They spend most of their money on mammogram awareness. By what happens when you get out of the mammogram? It was super easy. Take two minutes and register with amazon smiles and choose metavivor today.

http://www.smiles.amazon.com

I also got a message that a school district has decided that for October, instead of the usual pinkwashing for breast cancer awareness month, they will donate to Metavivor. Thank you, Bayport Blue Point!

Amen.

We got to the hospital and the ladies at the main desk know me well by now. Everyone loved my “I’m just here for the warm blankets” shirt. Tara brought me in to the room, and Tim got to work right away trying to find a vein. When he said all he saw was my bottom knuckle of my pinkie, I whispered “Fuuuuuuck”. As I’ve said before, I tend to say that before saying “Jesus, help me”. I’m working on that.

I knew it would hurt, Tim knew it would hurt, and Rob knew it would hurt. I buried my face into rob and prayed. It hurt beyond belief, but it worked.

Thank you, Jesus.

I thought about how there’s some saying , “I can do that with my eyes closed and with my

Pinkie”.

Apparently it’s true.

I went to the radiation room and got the same speech about radiation and not being near pregnant women or small children for hours, but they left off any superpowers I was hoping to get. They laughed at my answer on my form to the question of how many previous scans have I had.

“Too many to count”.

Wayne was my tech, and the hour passed by quickly in isolation. I was strapped down with chest plates and belly plates and the my head had the mask strapped over my face with my earplugs in. Wayne played the entire Nat King Cole Christmas Album for me, I looked at the upside down sailboat picture from the mirror on my mask by my forehead, heard the whirring and clanging and beeping and buzzing, and fell asleep.

Yup.

I dreamed and saw rainbows over and over. I had seen a rainbow appear on my book about Jesus and Buddha on the car ride in and even took a picture.

So in my dreams, during an hour long test where i was strapped down and listening to Christmas music, Hods promise was in my dreams.

We finished and Wayne kept his poker face, which is never good for me. But we joked and said that next time it will really be Christmas and the music will be appropriate. I wished him merry Christmas, we groaned about traffic this coming weekend, and off I went to rob.

We went to a diner and i ate eggs as Donnie suggested. I got a text from my TA that all was well in school, and at the end of the day she sent me pictures of them playing with bubbles and chalk and laughing. My AP sent me a text with a picture of him and my kids all in red at lunch, so my heart was happy.

As we ate at the diner, there are high booths and I kept being called to look at a waitress. I couodnt stop looking over at her section and even rob noticed and asked why I was staring at her. I couldn’t tell him. When we finished eating, he went to pay the bill and I walked over to her. As soon as I did, I knew. She had an elephant pin on her tie. I asked her about it, and she said her daughter gave it to her for Mother’s Day. I explained I just got out of the hospital and elephants mean so much to some cancer patients, and seeing her pin was a sign from God for me. She offered to give it to me, I said no, I just wanted a picture. I touched her arm and said thank you, and she said she had chills all over when I touched her.

That was God.

Elephants don’t get cancer, as they have a proliferation of P53 genes and some scientists are studying them. Trunks up are also symbols of good luck. Stage four patients are also called the pink elephants in the room. That’s why God sent me to see her.

We came home and rested on the couch. Wednesday caught up with us. Rob slept, and I researched. Twitter is FULL of oncologists and researchers sharing clinical trials and studies. One study looked at exceptional responders… “outliers”… and found the majority of them still drank. What the heck? I gave up all alcohol when I was diagnosed and have had maybe five drinks in three years. I’ll ask Donnie about that one. Ha!

I researched coffee enemas. I even watched a video. My mind is like…”Ewwwwwww”. But there are testimonials galore from people who do them daily and it cleans them out, detoxifies their liver, and gives them energy. I received messages from people who have done them and swear by them. I’ll do anything to live, and yet this is blocking me. Preconceptions and social norms are powerful. I’ll keep you updated on my “Starbutts” issue.

Or not.

I went to meet Quinn as he got off of the bus and it was the first time I ever saw him get off the bus. Ever. He ran across the grass to me and hugged me. I know how lucky I am. Many women are getting diagnosed younger and younger and can’t have children. I also know many families have lost children. I thought of them all as I hugged my boy and thanked God for this day.

I went in the car and drove to get Morgan, and a blue bird flew right by me. That’s my sign from my poppa. We all spent the night at home, resting.

It was a week.

I’m still in pain in my side and can’t take deep breaths. Instead of the drug store near me, they sent the prescription to a different one. We went to get it, and it wasnt Percocet. It was OxyContin.

No thank you.

I’ll stick with Motrin. Plus, when the tumor was growing in my neck bones, I felt it and it was painful. But I also felt it as it decreased in size and I felt better.

Today at 9 people are praying all over the world for me. A friend of my sister has organized it and sent it to prayer groups everywhere.

It reads as follows;

“A friend of my family has organized a call for prayer for my sister Keri as she continues to fight for her life and the lives of all Stage IV cancer patients.

Please join us Saturday morning for prayer at 9:00am. If you can make any mass in any church please do. If you can’t make a mass, please pray the below prayer, or any prayer at 9:00am.

********please share************

Call for Prayer

Please join us in prayer on Saturday, September 21, 2019, at 9:00am for Keri Stromski and her family. People will be praying from all over the country and we ask that you, and anyone that you know, join us. The power of prayer is an amazing thing!

Two Easy Steps

1. Please attend Mass on Saturday, September 21, 2019, at 9:00 AM at any parish of your choice, if you are not able to attend Mass, please take time to offer a prayer at that time.

2. Please pray to Sister Claire Sullivan, (a Daughter of Wisdom who was born on Sept 21, 1934), to intercede for Keri Stromski and ask God for healing.

You may use this prayer as an example:

Sister Claire Sullivan, you devoted your life to Jesus through the Blessed Mother. You spent years of your life working with the disabled and suffering. I ask for your intercession at this time for the healing of Keri Stromski. Intercede on her behalf and ask Jesus and Mary to grant Keri Stromski

the Grace to continue,

the Strength to persevere, and

the healing power of God’s loving Mercy.

Sister Claire, please grant us this request in the name of Jesus and Mary. Amen”

So , if you have time at 9:00 am EST, please stop and pray for me.

I get results on Monday. The clinical trial is filling up quickly and only has three spots left. They want a biopsy again quickly. Donnie is prescribing something else. I pray for clarity and healing.

May it all be so.

In Jesus’s name. Amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I went to work yesterday.

Yes, I got yelled at by several colleagues, but they also all get it. If I can save a sick day I will. If I am able to function, I’ll go. I was still in pain all day, and couldn’t take deep breaths, but we are just starting to get the kids to follow one step directions and answer their names. Plus, I do love my job, as challenging as it is lately with so many children and so many who don’t speak English. I’m starting to get the hugs out of the blue as well, and the love bonds are starting.

So why would i stay home and let my mind bully me all day?

I sent rob to the Yankee game he had planned to go to with a friend. He was supposed to go to a golf outing the day of the hospital emergency room trip, and i felt horrible he missed it. He never gets to relax or have fun, and doesn’t have much support. The friend he went with has been a true friend and gets it, so I felt he needed a break from cancer land.

I picked up the girls and decided to go pick up the Percocet to help me manage the pain and sleep. The drugstore didn’t have the prescription, which meant I had to look through my discharge papers to find the name of the doctor and call the emergency room. Turns out they never sent the script, and they sent it again. The doctor from yesterday wasn’t surprised i went to work and he said he could tell I’m a fighter. I called the pharmacy and they never got it. Then? It was late and the pharmacy closed. So Motrin to handle the pain.

Looking through the papers was a mistake.

I saw it mentioned damage to the s1 and a new lesion in the t7 bone. It also mentioned multiple liver lesions measuring larger than before. But i looked for the bright side and it didn’t mention any on the heart, lungs or kidneys. So today I head in to the PETMRI mostly concerned about brain, bones, breast, lymph and liver.

I got an email from Donnie and he still wants me on xeloda and adding faslodex. He said the liver is the main concern and the caris biopsy showed an esr1 mutation and faslodex (shots in the ass) were down regulators. Dr stopeck read his email and wants men to hold off until we get results on Monday, but if i really want I can take xeloda and celebrex again. She would rather I not in case I need a new treatment as she wants my blood cells to be as healthy and high as possible. Donnie also suggested a coffee enema. Lots of people in the natural world do them. I even bought the kit but haven’t had the oooomh to do it. I’m more of a Starbucks girl than a starbutts girl.

There has been comforting signs.

I’m being flooded with Leila love. Her mom found a card Leila bought for me before she died and never got a chance to fill out. So her mom finished the task and sent me a beautiful note.

The same day I saw a new post from her husband their son. Her little boy has Down’s syndrome and she made her husband promise to keep her instagram page going so they can see that people with Down’s syndrome are just as beautiful as anyone else.

And Milo is.

I’ve missed her updates on her little boy, and the Down’s syndrome community lost a huge advocate when she passed. Her husband is picking up the torch, and I’m so proud of his ability to move through the pain of losing Leila and be a great dad. It’s always in the back of my mind how rob will be should the worst happen. Just last night Quinn said it was weird without rob home. I caught my mind going to the dark place and stopped it.

I checked twitter and there was a message from an aunt of Leila’s. Then? Her grandma commented on my post from her page. Leila’s mom Terry said i have her whole family praying for me, and yesterday they showed up big time.

Thank you, Leila.

I also got my phi sigma sigma sweatshirt for the big football game everyone is going to. It’s in my birthday and I’ve been afraid i won’t be able to go. My friend kittles sent me the shirt and it was a reminder to keep pressing forward.

I also got a book about Jesus and Buddha. The week I was sent another email asking and questioning my faith. Now I have something to read when I’m in solitary at the hospital this morning.

I ordered metavivor shirts for when October comes and the color pink vomits all over stage four breast cancer patients as we are shoved in a corner because we are scary to everyone else in their tutus.

I’m up and taking Motrin and water bombing to get my veins ready for the test today. I go at 8:3″which means vein stick around 8:45, radiation injection around 9:00 solitary until the 10:00, then?

I’ll ask Wayne my tech to turn on Nat King Cole Christmas music and I’ll try to breathe while looking at the upside down boat on a beach scene in a tight tunnel with my head and body strapped down.

Madison said wouldn’t t be nice for me to get good news? That maybe the hospital was cancers last gasp at trying to take me and I fought through it and will get the miracle and be healed by Halloween. I hate that she daydreams about the cancer, but love that she makes happy endings.

Morgan is doing great at field hockey. I’m so proud of how she is also coping. Quinn is extra snuggly, extra emotional and tells me he loves me all the time. I tell them all that too.

Please pray for me today, and also for my friend Johanna who has had a very hard time and needed more surgeries on her brain. She is over 100 surgeries, and her mom and I keep texting each their support.

Sometimes when your breathing underwater you hold someone else’s hand in the dark.

May my scans be not as bad as my mind is telling me.

May my pain lessen.

May Morgan have a great first game, and my kids all continue to move through their day with grace and compassion and peace.

May rob be filled with strength to help me through another scan, as I’ve lost count now how many it’s been and it never gets easier.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

There were several times yesterday I thought I was dying. Then there were many times I thought this was how it would be at the end.

I told rob how much I loved him, and to let the kids know.

That’s how scary yesterday was.

And it happened so fast.

I went to the faculty meeting and had some pain. I taught in the morning, and handed out fourteen breakfasts, dealt with two cereal spills, checked everyone in, did several activities, and as the morning wore on, the pain got worse, then radiated to my shoulder.

I thought I was having a heart attack, as all of the chemo for the past three years can hurt your heart…literally and figuratively.

My TA took the kids to lunch and I went to my nurse. My blood pressure was a little high which signaled pain. We made the decision to have me go home.

I called rob and he said he would meet me home, then called my mom and asked her to be in charge of the kids. By this time I was gasping for air. I called my oncologist and we both decided I couldn’t make it to stony brook, and whatever tests would be run she could discuss over the phone. We discussed the radiation issue from cat scans and X-rays, but she said I had to deal with this immediately. She told me about concern for pulmonary embolism and exactly what to say when I got to the hospital.

Rob drove me there and we got right in. Here is where Jesus was with me.

Rob wouldn’t let me out of his sight as I gasped for air and cried and thought I was dying. His truck was parked right in front of the ER door. I kept worrying about it and suddenly my dad showed up and took his keys to move the car right as security showed up and my nurse wouldn’t let them in because he knew rob wouldn’t leave me to move the car.

Then my friend Mary Maki showed up and as I gasped for air in quick breaths and was crying in pain, she and rob stood over me and held my hands.

Then I was registered by a woman who worked in my building and I’ve known her for years. Friendly faces, even when you are at your worst, are comforting.

I remember crying and telling rob I’m not ready to die.

I’m not.

They took the chest x Ray in the room, then wheeled me for a sonogram. I saw the liver, and it still has tumors all over it.

My dad stayed nearby, holding my hand along with Mary and rob, or making sure rob was ok.

Rob was a rock.

Then the cat scan, and discussions of the possibilities and they all sucked. The doctor even said none of them were good. The pulmonary embolism could be fatal and also if not, take a long time to clear up. The gallbladder could mean surgery. The liver would mean the cancer got worse.

There was no door number four.

I prayed and prayed for the least worst outcome and didn’t even know what it would

be. We decided to put it out there so everyone could pray.

The nurses found a good vein on the second try and one of them is the aunt of a student in my school. Another angel.

My brother in law Jake showed up and hugged me for my sister as she is away for training. My dad said my brothers went to be with my mom so she wasn’t alone. We were both emotional and she knew how serious it was. The doctor came in and said it was not a pulmonary embolism, not the gallbladder.

Which means it’s the cancer.

Then my brother rob showed up and i cried again. It was my nephew Philipps birthday yesterday. I told rob that once again, things tend to happen around holidays and birthdays.

Rob was texting my doctor all day.

The concern is now that the 3.2 cm tumor could be pushing against the diaphragm. That could also be causing the pain to radiate to the shoulder and the shortness of breath.

My oncologist pushed and insurance gave the approval code for the PETMRI to be done tomorrow instead of Monday. So that’s going to be huge.

They decided to send me home on pain medication and discussed how palliative care may become something to look into. In my mind, palliative care is the step before hospice. That may not be the case… but my mind is my mind.

I came home and my parents brought my kids home. They are concerned as well. I saw Quinn off to Boy Scouts, and rested with my mom on the couch . I thanked God that the day ended up with me at home.

Then got another email from someone questioning if I felt Christianity has let me down along with other things.

So here’s something for all the stalkers out there.

Christianity has not let me down.

Jesus has not let me down.

Jesus was with me all day yesterday in my heart, his name on my lips over and over as they kept trying to find a vein, and as I was being told it could be fatal.

I’m not going to be saved by my actions.

I’m saved by my heart.

My relationship with Jesus is mine and mine alone. I only share part of my journey with Him. So to any of the stalkers who keep saying I’m straying and risking getting into heaven… don’t worry.

I’m going to heaven and Jesus will be there to hold me when I do… and hopefully it’s years and years away.

A friend messaged me that she had a similar experience, and after the next chemo the pain went away. So that’s my prayer.

Quinn came home from Boy Scouts and helped me off the couch with rob. Quinn kept hugging me and telling me how much he loves me and I’m the best mom ever.

I hate he and the girls saw me like this… and the thought of them seeing me worse scares the crap out of me.

That’s why I keep banging the gong how stage four needs more. One day your fine, and in hours suddenly you’re not. I’ve had friends go downhill and die so quickly. That can’t be my story. In October, don’t buy pink crap to support breast cancer. Support metavivor, where research for stage four is where their money goes. Or north fork breast health coalition which offers support for women going through treatments.

So please pray for me.

Also please pray for my friend eileen and her daughter Johanna. We seem to go through storms at the same time.

May the pain go away. May I go back to the live I’ve been thriving in. May the miracle happen and the cancer be taken away.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Yesterday I wore white.

Today I’ll wear black to honor the children who are now gone from our schools.

I still cannot believe how many people don’t see the bigger picture here.

I heard yesterday that a local district nearby, the schools rounded up all The unvaccinated students, about 100, put them in the cafeteria, and marked them absent.

These are citizens of our country.

Children.

Being discriminated against because of their parents beliefs.

Sounds similar to some other events in history where people were rounded up and gotten rid of.

I’m disgusted over the pharmaceutical industry’s power, and how it has seeped into the lives of thousands of children…. healthy children… and is destroying families. Parents who work full time now have to scramble and figure out how to homeschool and have a place for their child to stay.

It’s asinine to think that a high school senior, who has spent their whole life not being a threat, is being kicked out. But if they turn 18 this year, they can come back.

Some people are waking up and saying, “If they try to push Gardisil on my kids next, I’ll put up a fight.” That’s the thing.

No one will stand for others, only themselves.

But in the meantime, the machine gets stronger and by the time it gets to you, you get swallowed up, and no one is left to fight for you.

As for me, we still don’t have an authorization code for the scan. So it looks like I’m waiting until Monday for the scan. Results will come by Wednesday, I’ll hear plans on Thursday, and by Friday or so we will start a new protocol. That’s three weeks without chemo. And the clinical trial coordinator called and said that there isn’t enough tissue frozen from my original biopsy and I will need another biopsy should the pet scan warrant one.

I’m teeter tottering between total fear and trying to kick visions of my wake and my kids and rob crying out of my head, and replacing them with visions of me at weddings of my kids and seeing grandchildren. I’ve got pain in the lymph node, breast, spine and liver. So I know it’s on the move. One woman said it took three and a half years and nine different treatments to find something that worked. I’m praying hard that seven is the number for me.

My sister Jill has a friend who is putting me on a mass prayer chain for healing to a saint. Saturday at 9 am people all over the whole world will stop and pray for an intercession. It’s good timing before the petscan, and a miracle is welcome.

My mom was in the hospital yesterday having a procedure done to help her back. She was in my heart all day. As was Johanna who needed yet another emergency surgery. So many are going through trials now. Be grateful for all you have, and pray for those in need.

It was exhausting yesterday, and trying to teach this new math program is challenging with kindergarten. It’s a lot of discourse and discussion, and with two languages in the room and not much use of materials is hard. However, I’m a teacher of children, not programs, so I’m pulling all my resources out to supplement and make it work. Im also getting another new student today who doesn’t speak English. I’m at 24 children, which is too many in kindergarten, especially with the high poverty and needs and language issues we have. I’m counting my blessings though, as we can go up to 27.

Madison had a track meet and it was good to see her run. She is fighting off a cold and cough and is already getting run down. We all need to slow down a little, including me.

I had open house for Quinn last night, got a lot of hugs and love his teacher. Morgan had him and it was nice to have the deja vu feeling. I also hugged other parents and teachers. I love my colleagues.

Tonight I have his Boy Scout meeting I have to take him too, and he gets his merit badges from the summer. I think tomorrow night I can come home to rest after work.

I’m off to a faculty meeting, and am doing my best to enjoy this time off of chemo while not panicking. Who knows how hard the next one will be, and I dont know how limited I will become. I’m praying I continue to be carried by Jesus and live this life, showing how we can live through cancer treatments. It’s not a chronic condition, it’s terminal. Cokie Roberts from the news died yesterday from “complications from breast cancer”. That’s the line the media always says because “Died from stage four” would be too real and scary, and make people want to fund research instead of pink parties and runs and walks and the pockets of the CEOs.

It’s not complicated. It’s terminal.

Diabetes is chronic. There aren’t diabetics crying over the massive amounts of friends dying all around them. Stage four isn’t chronic. We have the corpses to prove it.

Some day I hope it will be. I hope they don’t run out of treatments for me. I’ve blown through seven in three years. They each get harder, with a toll on my body.

Today may research be funded.

May my mom and Johanna feel good.

May my liver and back stop hurting.

May the cancer be gone.

May the children who have been kicked out of school know that the teachers still love them and will miss them every single day their chair is empty.

May someone come to their senses and let these children back in.

As Jesus said. “Let the little children come to me”…. and he didn’t say, “As long as they had their shots.”

In Jesus’s name. Amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Here’s how money has been used to hurt people today.

My insurance company STILL hasn’t given an approval code for the pet mri scan. Rob went ahead and the earliest I could book without one is Monday. Which means this is the second week I’m off treatment, and next week will be the third week as we scan, wait for results, and then try to come to a consensus on a plan. Do you know what three weeks of no answers when tumor markers trend up and you feel it in your bones and sides and breast as being active?

Money also is at the root of the heartache of thousands of families today. I’m going to wear white today. Today is the last day that thousands of children can go to school. Healthy children. Children whose parents have been stripped of their religious rights and parental freedom of choice. They are no danger to anyone. This is a whole facade to make pharmaceutical companies more money as they pressured politicians and played on everyone’s fear. Well guess what? Now that they have accomplished this, they are coming for ALL of our children. In January they are presenting a bill for the HPV vaccine, Gardisil. You see, once a vaccine becomes MANDATORY on the vaccine schedule, the manufacturer is off the hook for any vaccine injuries. If there are injuries, (and there have been injuries with this and no idea about what will happen long term), there is a special court where awards are paid out by TAXPAYER funds. YOUR money, not THEIRS. They can vaccinate your child without knowledge or consent. I know many nurses and doctors who have said ,”Don’t do it. I’m not giving it to my kids.” Soon you won’t have a choice if the politicians take it away. Just like these religious parents who have been suffering for months with this.

My kids, my choice.

Also….

The stage four world is furious. Apparently they’ve removed two stage four patients from the Susan G Komen NYC Board because they don’t present Hope. If this turns out to be true….Mother f*ckers.

Excuse my language.

I hope they choke on their pink tutus and boas.

Do you have any idea how hard it is as a stage four patient to have other cancer organizations raise money and not use it for the one thing every damn patient needs? Research? Then be shoved into the closets and the dark because you are too damn real and scary for the rest of the “survivors”, thirty percent of whom will end up in your dark closet you’ve been shoved into. (Some of us told stage for from the start bypassed the pink parties and parade and went straight to the dark.) Then those patients in pink gear go, “Wait! What happened? I thought I was cured? Where did all my money go?” It went to herding people into mammograms but not helping them when they come out.

Screw you, Susan.

Someone also asked me about the American Cancer society. Go ahead and look at their salaries. Try not to puke.

Money. Greed. Power.

They always go after the weak or innocent.

This week it’s me, children, stage four women.

Who will stand up for us?

Everyone is too busy saying, “That doesn’t affect me…” …until it does.

Rant over.

Last night was a late night as i went to the PTO meeting to support as needed. Tonight is Open House for Quinn. Tomorrow night is Quinn’s Boy Scout meeting. God is keeping me busy so I’m not thinking about the petscan. Donnie emailed me again about a biocept liquid biopsy, as he feels there are two different cancers inside, and we need more information to attack it.

The cancer may be having so much fun it doubles and made a twin. Good times, right?

Today I wear white not just for these families whose hearts are breaking as they tell their children that today is the last day they are going to school. Oh, but they can still go to supermarkets, the zoo, the movies, restaurants. It’s only from 9-3, Monday -Friday, September -June that they are dangerous.

Would you give your kid 48 vaccines in a year? There are reports of families have buckled under pressure and began complying to this crazy schedule. Some kids are having side effects. What will we all do in January when you are told your kids have to have the HPV? Will you buckle?

Or will you be forced to pull your child out of school because your convictions and beliefs are strong but now what the hell do you do? You work full time.

I’m praying for us all.

You better pray too.

It’s going to get worse if we don’t start to stand up for what’s right.

Is this how Jesus felt when he went into the temples and tossed tables?

Don’t worry about me.

I’m breathing and using all the techniques I’ve learned to calm down and stay in the moment.

Just pray.

Especially for the children.

I wish I was rich.

I would quit my job and open a place where we could say “Let the children come to me… and i don’t care about their shots.”

Sending love to the families sending their children to school for the last day.

Sending prayers that this bill is thrown out.

Praying for pet scan approval.

Praying for healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri