I cried in bed with rob last night. I told him how much I want to see the kids grow up, how much I love him, and how I cant seem to shake the death feeling that has come over me.

It was a rough night.

Still is, at 3:30 am.

The kids know. We had a family meeting and discussed what was going to happen. They are scared, and quieter. We will pull together as we always have. I’m emailing their teachers today.

I’ve stopped researching adriomycin and cytoxin. Seeing the red devil and red death over and over is not good. I’m renaming it the Scarlett savior.

How is this my life?

When will enough be enough?

When will God say, OK. She has proven herself worthy of a miracle?

I keep thinking of Megan, Leila, Alycia, lisa… and all of the other stage four friends i have had who have passed. How have we not solved this??

All the money that goes to pink products makes me sick. Don’t spend the money on a pink shirt this October. Send it to Metavivor. That will help someone eventually.

I am so scared.

I just got my hair back.

I’ve done nausea before with all three pregnancies for nine months each with hyperemesis. Now this? Again?

My friend Jennifer Williamson said she feels that ill make it through, and the cells with learn to coexist and ill just keep living with cancer. I don’t care what all those judgy bible people say. Jesus has been pretty quiet lately, and if someone who has been given a gift can help me breathe at night, so be it.

I’m going to school today and teaching. Yesterday we used play doh to make swirly mazes, I gave out straws and ping pong balls and they had to blow their ball through the maze they made. We also had a lock down drill and lockout drill. My hope is they remember the play doh and not the drill. I’m going for training today for one of the new programs, and I’ll keep telling myself I’ll be here to implement it.

One of my favorite nurses (although they are all my favorites) is going to be my nurse for Thursday. God isn’t healing me as I asked, but he is sending me the people who make this easier.

I have gotten so many prayers in the past day or two. Please don’t let up. Pray and storm the heavens for the next eight weeks.

This has to work.

I said my final goodbye to my brother and sister in law and they prepare to move to North Carolina. They laid hands on me and prayed over me at the field where Morgan was playing. God sent me them that moment. I had them over the night before but an extra hug is always good.

I just emailed my oncologist about two procedures that other cancer thrivers sent to me regarding the liver. Hepatic arterial infusion and chemobolization or bland embolization. I have a feeling the liver is just too far gone for those.

I feel it.

I actually feel the liver with every breath and the pain. Which will be good in a way that as the chemo progresses, if the pain lessens that would be a good sign.

Erin said I’m one of the strongest clients she and Donnie have ever seen. That made me feel better. I’m so glad i have an emergency appointment tomorrow with him to gear up and get a new protocol. My herbalist is also working on a new formula. They didn’t bat an eye this time when I told them of the heavy chemo coming, which said a lot. They know it’s Hail Mary time.

I think that’s why i walked at the north fork breast health coalition 5K Sunday. I knew a hard time was coming. I’m glad I spent time with so many who love me, and could celebrate my friend candy’s ten year survivorship. I pray to reach that goal too.

I’ve cried a lot the last 24 hours.

I’ve prayed a lot.

Now it’s time to suit up and prepare for the fight for my life.

Please Jesus, heal me.

Take all the cancer away, and let me see my children grow up and love my rob for years and years to come.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri