Today is my last day without any chemo.
I’m anxious and scared, but gearing up for a fight and preparing.
I’ll get my peas and blueberries and new big socks to cover my hands and feet. I’ll find my chemo sign and pack my chemo suitcase. I’ll pray.
My magical fairy cancer godfather, Rick Shapiro, who has interviewed the brightest minds and survivors for his book “Hope Never Dies”, sent me a message last night about fasting the day before, the day of, and the day after to help mitigate side effects. He also sent medical links in messages prior. I have a conference call with Donnie today, and will ask. But I’ll also fast anyway. Just water and tea. I’ll do anything to be able to live.
I’ve lost almost ten pounds in the last two weeks since stopping the xeloda. Could be stress or could be not being on a chemo.
I said to rob I cant believe how fast the liver went down hill. I got the scan reports and there are several very large tumors, and the word “necrotic tissue” was used. That makes me think the liver is dying. You can’t live without the liver.
Add that to the sudden onset of pain, right after the slight increase in tumor markers, and it became red alert. In two weeks I went from being hopeful I could stay on the xeloda for a long time, to being in pain constantly, hard to take deep breaths, and now going to take very toxic chemo tomorrow to try to save my life.
That’s how quick it can all go downhill in cancer land.
That’s why stage four women can become militant and seem angry during October. We are dying for a cure and everyone else has their pretty pink blinders on doing party races and not wanting to look at all of us gasping for air because we represent the scary future that 20-30% of them will eventually have. Then the executives at Komen and the American cancer society seem like they want the best as they make huge salaries off the corpses of cancer patients while pushing for people to get tested and become “aware”. I keep seeing a cartoon in my head with people going into a machine and coming out one of two tubes. One tube is pink partyland, where everyone wears pink and dances. The other tube is cancerland, where everyone has IV poles and are sick and scared and the people flying out of the tube are like, “What the hell just happened? How come pink partyland gets all the good stuff? Why won’t they look at us and give US what we need? They aren’t dying… we are!!! LOOK AT US!! HELP US!!!”
But the machine workers keep eating their caviar and sending people into the machine.
Every once in a while, they’ll grab the pink partyland people, throw them back in the machine and they end up in cancerland. That person is like, “What the HELL? They said I was cured??? Wait… why didn’t i fight for research when I was healthy? Now I have to fight while going through treatment? Im so sorry, cancerland patients, for being ignorant.” Then the cancerland patients all give the newbies hugs and advice and coffee enemas and peas and blueberries and cream for feet and hand and wigs and say, “Welcome. We hate you are here but we will love you and fight for you until we die.” as they watch people all around them fall.
Someone needs to make that movie.
And maybe give it a happy wending where the pink partyland people and all the people waiting on line to go into the machine wake up, find research instead of pink crap, and more treatments are found to make it chronic instead of terminal.
A girl can dream.
I’m so glad Donnie will be speaking to me today. He always gives me hope. I emailed my oncologist about some other possible liver treatments that some of my social media friends have sent me, but she said it hasn’t been proven to work in breast cancer patients. For those wondering, I cant get a liver transplant. Stage four.
So I’m laying back and giving it all to God. My story is already written. He knows how this ends. I’m not giving up, I’m giving it up. But I’m still in control of how I live. So I’ll fast when all I really want is to stuff my face and have some wine. A girl could use a drink right about now. I wrote to all of my families and told them what was going on. My friend Dienamarie has been a huge support. She went through this and said she kept working except for a day or two here and there.
I know some pretty badass and beautiful people.
I have been inundated with messages of prayers. I’ve had over 500 messages and texts in the last few days, and those people are having other people pray as well. So keep praying.
As for my kids, rob said Morgan burst into tears yesterday about something at school, which she then handled beautifully. For a thirteen year old girl, this is so hard and it will come out in ways other than you think. Andear teacher friend emailed me and said when she hugged our girl, Morgan said it’s probably not as bad as mom thinks.
I love my ray of sunshine.
Maddie had her first practice for the play and loooooooves it. She throws herself into being super busy, which is how she deals.
Quinn was cuddly and quiet last night. He worries me the most. I have to be the strongest for him. I was diagnosed when he was eight, so most of his life he can remember has been a mom with cancer. That isn’t easy.
I emailed all of their teachers and informed them about what is happening. I got some beautiful responses and am so proud of my children.
Please God, let this work.
Let me see them grow up.
I haven’t had enough time with them.
We have circled the wagons so to speak, and rob, my parents, and my siblings have all been preparing to help. Rob and I are so thankful for my family and our friends. This is going to be hard, and having people who love us and are there for us is everything. I was walking to the office yesterday and the husband of our past PTO president burst through the doors with a great big hug and flowers at that moment, and said “That was God” as we met at the moment he walked in. Another friend Kim got me a new hat to wear over my bald head. I’m surrounded by love.
Today I’ll teach, and then leave at 2:00 for the conference call with Donnie at 2:15. Then Morgan has a home game for field hockey, then rob is taking Quinn to Boy Scouts and i have open house. This weekend is big for the scout troop, as they prepare to finish the hike that they couldn’t last year because a drunk driver hit the scouts and killed one of the little boys. He looks so much like Quinn, and my heart sends the family love every time I hug Quinn. The drunk driver has been playing games and still has not had his justice. He has taken back his apology. I am asking for everyone to hold the McMorris family in your hearts as they prepare to honor Andrew this weekend and finish the hike. Then? Pray for swift justice.
Tomorrow is the start of my seventh type of treatment in three years. Making today count is my goal.
May I breathe.
May I be at peace.
May my family be at peace.
May we all be strong and courageous, for God has a plan for me, and Jesus paid for my sins. May complete healing be mine.
In Jesus’s name, amen.