Waiting for scan results is living in a state of limbo. I’m scared every time I open my email that I will see my oncologist’s name. It’s not supposed to come until Monday. I have visions of her looking at the pictures all weekend and coming up with my options, trying to figure out how to prolong my life while keeping quality of my life in her mind.
That email will then go to Donnie Yance at Mederi, and his brilliant mind will look at my
Oncologist’s brilliant mind and together we will come up with a plan.
But meanwhile, I sit not knowing how I will be next weekend. We planned on taking madison for a college visit, and I dont know if I’ll be sick from an infusion or losing hair or good to go. I try to stay in the moment.
It’s so damn hard.
But yesterday God was with me all day long.
I decided to be in a detox bath at 9 am with holy water poured into the bathtub. That’s the time that was set for a special prayer to a saint that a woman my sister knows set up. At nine o clock I started to read the words and began to cry so hard I could barely speak. Every time I recited the prayer I went under water afterwards. Then my phone began beeping and I got texts and messages from all over the world of friends praying at that moment. South Africa even had people praying. People shared the post and total strangers piled on in prayer. It’s humbling when even strangers pray for you. I’m still traumatized from Wednesday when we thought I could be dying, and there are some who haven’t reached out with a kind word or “So glad you didn’t die”. So having strangers pray fervently for me made me so grateful.
It took me a while to get going after the bath, and finally came downstairs at 11:00. It was the maritime festival yesterday and I wanted so badly for my kids to go and have a fun day, but we just couldn’t go. We ended up staying home and doing laundry and schoolwork. I took my new bible and tabbed it all up, then began to dive in. I am not going in order, but instead going to where God leads me to read.
Yesterday was psalm 31, a plea for protection. So many verses stood out for me, and I marked them up. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.
The person who kept emailing me and questioning my faith sent another one, but this time finally got the message to leave me alone. Listen, I know I can do all things through Christ…
But that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel at times that God doesn’t care and has forgotten me. And please, don’t ever say God only gives you what you can handle and he gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers. Seriously, don’t. That doesn’t help and just makes me angrier in the moment.
I can still love Jesus and be angry that this is my lot in life. Why give me this beautiful family and then dangle death in front of me every damn day? Why make everything so hard and no good scan results for YEARS? It’s like I’m left in the desert with no water and every time I think I see a pond, it’s a mirage.
I dont want a reason.
Whatever purpose this is for, I want it gone. Yet I cling to the purpose even though I don’t know what it is, but it still hurts and there are days I wish I could turn back time because it’s so damn hard.
But here’s the thing.
When your faith shrinks and shrinks and shrinks to being so tiny you can barely see it, that’s ok. It just needs to be the size of a mustard seed and He will hear you. He can hear you when you can’t even speak because you are crying so hard or don’t have the words. You can rest, and He will be your shelter.
I’ve looked back on some of the hardest days and see that He was there with me. He sends me signs and reminds me He is there. A girlfriend of mine who is a pilot sent me a picture she took the day of the petscan as she was flying. It was a rainbow as she was praying for me up in the clouds, at the same moment I was in the machine with Christmas music on, and was dreaming of rainbows.
He did that.
And He had her send me the picture the next da to remind me that He is everywhere, especially when you’re up in the clouds.
I count those blessings and know that more are coming. Even in the hard days.
The psalm I read has that message all throughout.
Rob took Quinn to golf and have a “Bro night”, and I took the girls to see the high school
Yup. I spent the night with singing nuns on the day everyone prayed for me.
I met three mom friends there whose girls are Morgan’s blessings. I told them about Wednesday and cried, and my hand was held as I was told to remember that I am a miracle. I’m so grateful for people who show up and hold my hand and hug me. I saw other people I know and got hugs and tissues.
The show was amazing, and they have another show today at 2.
I wish every person who comments on our district in the local news would go and see it. Our kids have talent, and are amazing. I laughed and cheered and clapped as kids I’ve watched as they have grown up sang and played instruments and danced.
Madison was excited to go and hung out with friends. She is so excited to be in the next Musical, and said she is “in the club”.
My heart is full for my kids.
I began my day with prayer, and ended my day cheering on nuns with gold habits. God reminded me to sing and dance.
I came home and have had a breakthrough with pills. I can do nine or ten at a time, and it’s a miracle. If it continues, pill taking will become less stressful and I will gain an hour or two of my life back.
Today I’m going to go to Tanger for the North Fork Breast Health Coalition 5K. I’m probably not going to do it, as it is still hard to breathe and I have pain. But it’s one of the few organizations I support. They directly help patients with grants to help them with whatever they need. The money goes to where it should. I’ll be the pink elephant, the one no one wants to be, but I’ll be there.
My friend Candy is celebrating five years
Cancer free. She is the one you all have to thank for this blog and pictures. She told me on the night I was diagnosed to take pictures, as I won’t remember anything.
Then I’ll try to go food shopping and come home and journal again. I wonder what words God will place in my heart today?
Maybe it will be the story of Job, and how the devil tested him for years. He kept his mustard seed through all of his hard trials.
I will too.
So whatever hard trials you are going through, hold onto your seed. Look for your blessings, put one step in front of the other, and breathe.
It’s ok to cry, be angry, question.
But keep talking to Him.
No matter how hard.
Hold that seed, friend.
In Jesus’s name, amen.