I made it through the day yesterday.

My whole body hurts to touch a bit, and opening snacks is a bit hard but I’m managing.

I’m excited about the next two months as it’s when everything starts to come together in kindergarten and their confidence grows.

I still can’t believe this is happening.

It’s so hard to not play the “What would I be like now if this hadn’t happened?”

What kind of wife would I be?

Mom?

Friend?

Teacher?

Christian?

Stranger?

I read something yesterday about how we can become better people healed than when we were unbroken.

I like that thought.

That’s what I’m going for in both ways.

Healed and better.

I look around and see others who don’t even recognize how lucky their lives are and the blessings they have. Can you touch something and not wince in pain? Can you swallow water and not want to cry? Can you go through an hour and not think about dying this year?

If so… you are blessed beyond your own knowing. Be happy and grateful . That doesn’t seem to be the way lately.

I see people, adults, name calling and writing about others, and we wonder why we have children who bully.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Remember…

The children are watching.

Today, let’s all be better people. Raise others up who need a hand. Give a second chance, or a third, or a fourth. If we can’t ever come back from mistakes, we all lose as a society. People will stop trying. Accept apologies. And of one isn’t given, live your own life anyway.

Keep your eyes on your own life and how to make it better for those around you.

And if the people around you aren’t who you want to be like… I saw a quote

yesterday.

“You can’t change the people around you..

But you can change the people around you.”

Be a blessing.

Pray for healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I’m up and going to try to head to work today.

Perhaps hitting the ground running isn’t the best way to come back to kindergarten, but instead slowly easing into the routines again.

Review, play, sing, dance and breathe.

I’ve been getting a little better the past two days, and expect by Friday I’ll be as strong as I was when this all started.

That’s the plan anyway.

Yesterday was a relief in so many ways. I once again didn’t realize how much the water was boiling until I hopped out of it, so to speak. I’ve always felt church should be warm, welcoming, and never stressful. Seeing Morgan visibly relax in front of my eyes was amazing. No stress about test grades, no memory work expected, just presence, a sermon summary and welcome arms. Come and learn and love the Lord. Even Quinn, who is notoriously tough to win over, said he was so happy. Maddie was upset that she had to do two hard years to get her confirmation after realizing how different it could have been for her.

The sermon yesterday was about how God gives you what you need, even if you don’t know you need it. That’s what He did here. I never ever would have left without that letter.

He knew.

In the sermon the three wise men were discussed. They were called the Magi. Almost like magicians. They were probably astrologers and great thinkers more than Kings, and their names weren’t even mentioned until the 600’s. The star they followed could have been a special star, a “God Star” meant for them to follow. The gifts they have were traveling gifts, gifts that a young couple to take with them as they fled a ruler who wanted to kill all young boys.

It’s amazing if you think about it.

They didn’t have internet, or GPS, but they found Jesus by a star in the sky and ancient texts they had read. They followed and everything happened as it was supposed to happen.

Everything is as it should be, which is sometimes so hard.

Why did this chemo overload happen?

I don’t know.

Maybe it destroyed every single cancer cell at once. That’s what I am praying for now.

Maybe it happened at this moment in time because I had the time off from work.

Maybe it happened to me because I have Donnies creams which have helped and can show others how helpful they are.

I don’t know.

All I know is that I am grateful.

Grateful for a church community that welcomed my family.

Grateful for my mom and Aunt and cousins who had our backs when we were put in a horrible situation during a hard time in our lives.

Grateful for this body, which after having been flooded with chemicals for three years, and bombed two weeks ago, continues to get me through the day.

Grateful we salvaged vacation by finding a new place to treat ourselves.

I’ve looked inward at my blessings…. I mean, even when I head to the bathroom I thank my kidneys for still working.

That’s what everyone should do more.

People are unhappy so they look to tear down others. Judge others. Pass condemnation. Gossip.

Instead, how about we give thanks for what we are given. Our own blessings. Think of how we can bless others with our words and actions.

Perhaps you will be used today by God to BE the light. Perhaps you will say or do the exact things someone needs to hear or see, something that will suddenly make everything make sense in their own world.

What kind of messenger are you?

Will you bring words of anger or hate?

Will you bring glad tidings of joy?

Today may we all have a peaceful day of blessings and healing.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I highly recommend to never ever ever have a chemo overdose.

I felt like I was dying yesterday.

It was actually worse than the day before, so I am grateful that I had gone into the hospital and gotten fluids and labs and a plan and answers and ordered the creams and lotions.

God came through once again and everything that I needed came.

My dad was the kids Uber driver. He went and got me a nutritious smoothie order from Paula so I can keep up my energy.

Quinn was picked up by a mom friend and had a great day of bowling and laughs.

The cream we had overnighted came at 11:00 in the morning so I had all day to lather it on.

My mom came and sat with me and I slept with my head on her lap on and off.

Our family Christmas gift that was on backorder finally came, two weeks earlier than planned, so the kids have something fun to do now the last two days of break.

I binge watched “Virgin River” on Netflix and it kept my mind off of the pain all day.

I managed to eat and drink.

I can swallow without crying.

I played with a new wig I was gifted.

Mentally however… talk about the tightrope.

I tried not to think about how this is how it will be at the end.

My friend Vanessa said that maybe this huge dose knocked all the cancer out at once. Having my doctor call early in the morning to say how great the labs are made it more tolerable.

It’s the chemo, not the cancer.

Rob is literally the best man I’ve ever known.

He helped me as I had to gingerly rub lotion all over my body and hands while swishing and trying to swallow mouthwash while I was simultaneously crying at how bald I am and have this rash everywhere and can’t move my fingers.

He kept reminding me it’s temporary.

He kept telling me he loves me.

He kept reminding me of the labs.

The lotion smells horrible and he reminded me of the lavender sheet spray.

I told him I’m afraid this is how it will be at the end, and he said it won’t be like this forever.

It was a hard day.

If you can wake up today and just go and do what you want, please realize how lucky you are.

Then go be kind to everyone, because apparently this world needs kindness. Pray for Australia, pray for our troops, pray for your local town, pray for people who are ready to throw stones at others while carrying their own sandbags of sins.

Yesterday was a day where i felt like i was a hospice type patient.

I’m about to get up and start moving today.

Today will be better, as I see the steroids have started to lessen the rash on my arms.

We may go to St Isidores tonight for a 6 pm Polish Christmas carol concert if I am up to it.

Tomorrow we will try to get Morgan to the new church that has agreed to allow her to finish confirmation classes AND accept me. Thank you, Jesus, for kind people and family members.

I’ll make the judgement call tomorrow about going to work Monday.

I tend to bounce back quickly, and as long as I can walk and talk, I’ll be there.

I’ve got two days to see.

Please continue to pray for a full recovery from this… from the chemo and the cancer.

I keep thinking if this has made me such a hot mess on the outside, it must be destroying the cancer on the inside. Plus I’ve got the chinese herbs, donnies protocol which i can begin again once I can swallow, I’ve done some major forgiveness and soul work the past two weeks, and I’ve got Jesus by my side.

Im all good.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

I’ve been walking a mental tightrope the past two weeks, teetering between “This is it” and “This is my year.”

Teetering between wishing I had a crystal ball so I could know if the end was coming and reading the Bible and holding faith in His plans for me.

Teetering between looking on Facebook private groups for tips and seeing more women going into hospice and husbands posting their wives have died, and also finding Hope stories.

Teetering between seeing people post how chemotherapy is what kills people and then praying this chemotherapy prolongs my life.

Teetering between facts on pages about it is what it is and listening to podcasts from Dr Joe Dispenza on how thought can change reality.

It’s been a long two weeks off and a fast two weeks off.

I am so glad that once again God’s timing was perfect. How?

Well, if there was ever a time to find out that a 20% increase in chemo would make you feel like you’re dying, it’s during a rare full two week break where you have time to rest and devise plans with your team to never have this happen again.

As much as I didnt want to go into the hospital yesterday, it was the best thing to do. I tend to put on a brave face and pretend it’s not as bad as it is.

Apparently I am like the knight in Monty Pythons Search for the Holy Grail movie who keeps having limbs chopped off and continued to say, “It’s just a flesh wound! Keep coming, you bastard!”

I was in bad shape.

My oncologist knew the second she walked in and went right to work. She noticed the steroid puff all over my body, especially my face. The rash is covering most of my body now, and I’ve been terrified of scarring. She said it shouldn’t, but may cause pigmentation issues. I have to stay away from all heat. This chemo rises to the surface when around heat. No hot showers, no baths, and even though I bought gloves to wash dishes, it’s still heat with hot water. For a girl who hates the cold… I’ll be on ice.

Rob and I thought mouth sores/ulcers would be white. Nope. Apparently the red all over my mouth and tongue and throat are sores. All the way down the throat as well, which is why I cant eat or drink. The soup I thought was helping isn’t…. because it’s warm. So smoothies and cold foods.

In winter.

My feet are also in bad shape, but Donnie and Mederi is overnighting me the special cream for the feet as well as a different one for the rash all over the body.

We asked if I should have some fluids pushed and it was a no brainer. The nurses got right to work, and I had the foresight to ask to keep the tube in my chest after they took blood before my appointment as I had a feeling I would have IV fluids pumped in. They also gave me morphine, to take the edge off of the pain.

I felt and looked like a cancer patient, like in the movies. It’s not good for ones emotional and mental health when that happens, so the morphine helped take the edge off of that a bit as well as the pain management.

I also wasn’t shy about pulling down my pants for all the nurses, even the male nurse, so they could see how I pretty much got every single side effect you can get from this chemo all at once. I had about a 20% higher dose than last time as we were going to try to push this to just once a month. The new plan is to lower the dose and go to every three weeks instead. Donnie always likes metronomic dosing anyway.

I’ve found out I can swallow the magic mouthwash even though it says just swish and spit. I’ll get it down the throat this way and clear up the sores there.

Donnie also has suggested cucumbers and melon, as well as his magic herbal powder to mix with coconut water and Manuka honey.

I’m up now and wired a bit, probably from coming off the morphine.

I’ve got three days to pull it together.

I’ll do it.

The steroid taper will finish by Sunday and my doctor said it will clear this all up. I’ll be all set for work by then.

I’ve got two weeks before next infusion.

We’ve got a plan.

I texted my siblings to keep them updated, and as I sent it, my brother rob sent me a picture of a sign he was standing in front of. The Joshua 1:9 saying, which i have on my necklace he gave me.

Signs.

Be strong and courageous, do not fear, for the lord your God is with you wherever you go.

As I walked the tightrope yesterday, rob kept me on the line. My nurses kept me on the line as well and are amazing. Turns out another one of them is cousins with a teacher friend I work with, and the teacher had just sent me a picture of my sacred prayer spot in saint patricks cathedral literally ten minutes before I saw her cousin.

And of course my Jean, whose granddaughter I had several years ago in first grade. Crying in front of nurses who make you feel safe is a blessing, and God put them all there for me last night.

I also discussed my chinese herbalist, Donnie yance and Mederi, my blog, Annie Apleseed, radical remission, and how my fairy godfather rick Shapiro always reminds me to sticks to the plan, as he wrote the book “Hope Never Dies” and knows many amazing thrivers and doctors. Wouldn’t you know as I left the hospital I got a message from rick?

My kids haven’t had an easy vacation watching me struggle through this. Please pray for them.

And for rob.

And my parents. It’s not easy for any of them.

Thank you for all of your prayers. It’s always darkest before the dawn, right?

The good news is I’ve got some hair growing back.

One tumor marker jumped up… but another two dropped, and my liver function is even better than two weeks ago, and my labs all look good.

May it all continue to work.

It’s the chemo, not the cancer.

It’s the chemo, not the cancer.

I’ve got a lot more living to do, for many more years to come.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Every New Years Day we go to the beach and pick a rock. We each write one word on the rock, our word for the year that we will try to live by. My word this year took all year to come up with. Let me explain.

I felt like I was dying as 2019 came to a close.

I wasn’t up to writing a year end review, as I felt my life was closer to ending than I hoped. Rashes, throat tight and in panic mouth issues, hands and feet peeling and in pain, feeling like every step i took I was walking on glass, worrying how I would be able to work through this treatment….

But then the ball dropped, the year changed, and today…

I woke up.

That’s half the battle right there.

2019 was hard… hard as it seemed for many.

I had great dreams to hit remission against all odds again this past year.

Instead?

The cancer exploded all over the bones, into the spine and the hips, as well innumerable lesions all over the liver.

I had to have a liver biopsy.

In September I ended up in the hospital emergency room, gasping for breath, saying all the things to rob you say when you think you are dying, with my dad, my friend Mary Maki, my brother rob, and my brother in law Jake all coming to be with us while the rest of my family was with my mom who had just had a procedure and was stuck at home, unable to be with her daughter who was afraid she was dying that day.

I lost friends… lifelines… sisters in this cancer arena.

Lisa, who was one of the first friends to be firm with on me how I’m going to do this, because she did it, and had all of these tips. She went quiet on Facebook for a while, as some do. We didn’t know her cancer had come back, so when I got the text she was gone from my friend candy, I was in shock. I had to watch the summer camp talent show with Maddie and hold in my grief until I got to the car. Mourning her was easier, and harder, because I had lived with her. I shared friends and space with her. I mourned with others.

Leila, who had this spark of light every time we wrote to each other. She had told me it was getting to where she didn’t recognize herself in the mirror, but we were waiting on a new drug to be approved for her. She had been on my mind while we were dropping off madison at leadership camp, so I checked on her and saw she passed the day before. I cried all the way home. Her mom started to send me gifts Leila left for me, and letters. She has Leila’s phone and continues to follow my life, and her aunt follows me as well. Leila’s people are my people too, and I love them. I wear her key around my neck every day.

Alycia also left this world. Her mom alayne showed such grace and dignity and kept us all informed. She asked us to write to Alycia and read her all of our love letters. We had hoped to meet at the annie Appleseed conference but she was too ill to come. While at the conference, I received a text from her that she couldn’t wait to see me and hug me there, then another saying she couldn’t come. Even in her twilight moments, when time and space were unclear to her, she still thought of me and the hug we never got to share. I was chaperoning a trip in NYC when Paula texted me that Alycia had passed. The group I was chaperoning came with me to saint patricks cathedral and waited as I took my three minutes to pray and cry in my special spot, and one of the young men gave me a hug as I came out. I got hope for our future from his hug and humanity.

I’m still losing friends in this arena all the time. It’s like I’ve been placed at this shore by the sea of grief, and sometimes the waves crash over me and threaten to pull me in, and other times I’m able to sit and look at the calm flat water, and see the beauty in having loved and known them.

2019 was hard, people.

But it was also beautiful.

I became a yoga teacher and was certified. I took class and learned from beautiful souls, and was surrounded by beautiful souls. I did it with one of my best friends and learned from one of my best friends. I breathed.

I was able to watch my children continue to grow. I think the thing I am most proud of in my life is them. My hope is that when I leave this earth, my heart and spirit stays with them and they continue to be the lights of kindness and goodness that they have shown to be.

Madison learned to drive a car, performed in a play “A Chorus Line”, and will be in “Les Miserables” this spring. She was the top cadet of her platoon at leadership academy, and it seems as if every week we are getting letters from colleges about her running or academics, inviting her to visit and represent riverhead at different camps.

Morgan’s hair is growing back, which shows she is doing well. She also worked on a play, but behind the scenes. She has gotten a best friend, and I love seeing her giggle with her. She also grew about a foot this year, and is changing into a young lady. She may be even more driven than Maddie academically. She knows what she likes and wants and does it. Morgan found herself this year.

Quinn continues to be a love bug. He made the transition to the new school beautifully. He also has started to work hard in school to follow his sisters lead. I struggle with the amount of time he is on video games, but he has a headset where he talks to other friends, so in a way it’s a play date and they are all working together to accomplish tasks, without me having to clean my house. This year he found a new family in Troop 161, and the men and women who lead the troop are some of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. He will be an Eagle Scout some day. Scouting has given him confidence he needed. He also continues to play tennis and love golf.

I’m continued to blessed with a strong marriage and an amazing husband. Rob keeps me moving forward with hope. He does it all, and has become an even better father and husband through it all. We are a team. I know how lucky I am. When we got married, we had a saying, “No matter what”. We’ve stuck to that saying, and no matter what happens, we love each other harder through it.

I left my church this year. I miss so many faces there. Every Sunday I think of my friends who hugged me and prayed for me. It was the easiest and hardest decision I’ve ever made. But my faith is not based on a church. It’s based on a man. Jesus. I went to the church we were married in last week and the priest spoke of how the church is the well of water from which we drink each week, which helps us fill our heart and spirit to go forth and live like Jesus.

That’s how I know my word for 2020 is the right word.

Evangelical.

That word has been hijacked and people think of crazies when they see that. Megachurches with rich leaders, crazy people who judge others.

That’s not what it is supposed to be.

It’s supposed to be that you go out and be the light.

Not look for the light.

Not tell others about the light.

Not tell others how they are wrong and won’t get to see the light.

But BE the light.

Others see the light and step into it.

We live in a world of judgement. Everyone judges everyone and has an opinion and whips up a frenzy. It reminds me of when the adulteress was going to be stoned, and Jesus walked up to them and asked who among the stone throwers was without sin? Let that person cast the first stone.

They all dropped their stones and walked away.

How many of you are holding stones? Ready to pounce and throw and sneer and throw side eye?

Drop your stone and hold out your hand.

Your life will be better for it.

I’ve been blessed with people praying for me for years now. Do you know what it feels like to know strangers are whispering your name in churches around the world as they light candles? It’s beautiful.

Being filled with faith doesn’t mean you are tied to a church. It means you are tied to a man, a man who came to us as a baby, walked among us, showed love to the unloveable. He didn’t come for the perfect people. He came for the sinners, the same people some churches refuse to serve communion. He came for you.

He came for me.

It’s written by one of his disciples that if he would have catalogued all of the miracles Jesus performed, there wouldn’t be enough libraries to hold all of the books filled with the stories. If a man could perform all of that back then, I have to believe He is possible to perform them still.

So goodbye 2019. You were hard, full of pain and sorrow, disappointment and devastating losses. But you also were full of laughter and love and prayer and friends and family and forgiveness.

I’m not naive to think 2020 will be perfect all of the time.

I simple pray it brings more of the good.

May 2020 bring more healing than pain, more faith than fear, more life than death, more forgiveness than judgement, more hugs than pointing fingers, more love than anger, and more time for us all.

Evangelical.

That’s the word of the year.

Inside the word is the word “angel.”

Be like an angel of God, and be the light of the world.

God knows we need more light.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Late start for me today.

Not to be too graphic, but when the bottom layer of skin comes off your foot, and there is a rash that’s itchy on your thighs and arms, you tend to want to stay in bed a little longer.

Happy vacation, right?

But I’m here.

People say that a lot.

“At least you’re still alive”.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to be alive.

But man.

It sure would be nice to be alive and not worry about death or side effects all the time.

A friend in a group posted that she would panic about the statistic of 116 dying every day, but then read the statistic that 3,287 die every day from car crashes.

As weird as that sounds, that makes me feel better. The thoughts that stage four patients have come to them are unbelievable at times.

We went through the basement toys yesterday and whittled them down even more. Morgan said she wants to keep her American girl dolls for her children and I prayed quickly inside that I would live to meet them.

I then rested on the couch the rest of the afternoon and watched a law and order SUV marathon. I hate that show, but yesterday I was hooked in by people with situations that felt worse than mine.

It was a hard day.

I am trying to keep off Facebook more, as seeing everyone in warm places or skiing makes me even more sad.

We might try to do something today with the kids, as it would be worse for me mentally to stay home again another day and watch SUV.

I’m working on trying to get Morgan confirmed. Please pray this all somehow works out. I’m still so angry at those men who sent the letter. Even if I sat with them as they demanded i do and held communion as ransom until I did…

I wouldn’t give up yoga or reiki or learning about other people and their beliefs. Would they have still denied me communion? And have my own daughter walk by me and see me denied communion?

They may have sent the letter to me, but they hurt my whole family.

Not very Christian.

Especially while we are going through all of this.

I shared a post yesterday that was amazing.

It spoke about how on Christmas night we celebrate the birth of a child. A child whose name I say probably a hundred or so times a day in my head, and even more so in the dark of night when I am caught in a storm of panic that death is coming.

Think.

Thousands of years after his births we still say His name.

People used to use the word “evangelical” to show their love and passion for Jesus. It’s been hijacked recently. People say they are

Doing things in His name, when truly, He would be ashamed of their actions.

Jesus stood among others as they were ready to throw stones and asked, “Who among you is without sin?”

Church isn’t for the perfect.

It’s for the sinners.

Go ahead and throw those stones, but watch out for the ricochet.

I’m tired of people who love Jesus and tell

Others about Him being looked at as crazies…although I know firsthand some deserve that term.

I want to become evangelical this year but in a different way.

A new way… or an old way.

I want to love and live like Mary. Have full faith in Gods plan, even if it seems like what is happening is impossible. Pregnant AND a virgin? Impossible.

But because she trusted and had faith, she brought forth Jesus.

I want to live and love like Jesus.

Move away from those who don’t have the best interests of others in their heart and then walk the path of grace.

Ghandi said, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Ouch.

But isn’t that true most days other than Christmas?

So this year, I’ll try and spend more time being kind and walking in grace and mercy and faith.

And yes, perhaps even flip some tables like Jesus did.

Watch me.

Come with me.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It was a lovely Christmas Day. I missed my brother and his family, as they moved to North Carolina recently. His son surprised us by stopping by for Christmas dinner at my sister Jill’s house, so we had a part of his heart with us.

My sister and her husband hosted a wonderful Christmas dinner, and their girls put on the cutest little Christmas play. We ended the night with some coquito that was given to me and a fun game of charades. Laughter and little ones always makes the holiday more fun.

My throat and mouth are starting to hurt, so I’ll be swishing away most of the vacation I fear. My hands and feet are also in some pain, so I’ll be sleeping with mittens and socks and lotion.

Although we aren’t going anywhere, we’ve got plans for the next week. We hope to get Maddie a nice dress for the Navy ball, as she was asked to go last week. We will also start to look at cars, as she finishes up drivers ed in a month or so. Robs parents have said they will get each grandchild their first car, so it’s Maddie’s turn. Most kids would have already picked it out, but Maddie likes being driven around by me and rob, so this will be interesting.

I want to organize the house bit by bit.

After having the house cleaned from top to bottom, let me tell all of you…

That is a gift everyone should give themselves once a year. I thought it was a waste of money when I could just clean it myself, I was embarassed, I thought it was too high class for me…

But seeing how clean my house is now, and they even organized my towel drawers and bathroom closets…

it’s a good way to start the new year.

Thank you, my Hamptons residence!

I hope to throw out everything in the house and de clutter during the next week so I start 2020 with a house that is clean and gives me peace.

Having the Christmas season end is sad and also a blessing. For some of us, it’s a more painful time of praying and worrying if we will be here next year. We are more aware of our mortality, and every special moment becomes more breathtaking in a hard way. Now we can go back to everyday normal moments, not days filled with occasions where we pray it isn’t our last time…

I only broke down once yesterday with rob, as I cried and want to be here to badly for more Christmases to come.

One of my heroes, Sophie sabbage, wrote she hoped we would all Rest In Peace, but while we were alive as well. It’s not just for the dead. It’s for the living.

So while I’m organizing, I’ll be sure to take time to rest… in peace.

May we all find time to Rest In Peace after this busy and quick holiday season.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It was a beautiful day yesterday in different ways.

I finally got the Christmas spirit.

Let me explain…

I was so incredibly uncomfortable having strangers come clean my house. Since I’ve had chemo for three years, it’s hasn’t been truly cleaned. It’s the energy theory.

You see, I only have so much energy to spend each day. If I know I’m going to be super busy, I’ll borrow energy from tomorrow, but that means I’ll be short energy the next day and have to choose what not to do.

Cleaning always loses out.

I finally said yes because I was chosen by the company to be the one winner this year. A mom of one of Quinn’s friends told them my story, and she set this up. The women walked in yesterday at 8:30 and went right to work. I was so flustered I left my phone in my bedroom and that’s where they started.

I had no idea what they would do… perhaps vacuum, mop and wipe down the bathrooms.

Upstairs we have my bedroom, my bathroom, Madison’s room and an open office area that rob hasn’t worked in for three years.

They worked upstairs for about six hours, organizing, dusting, scrubbing, even did laundry. I sat downstairs partially in awe at how they were cleaning and partially mortified it was obviously in need of such cleaning. I was so mortified I didn’t even go upstairs while they worked to get my phone.

So I sat on the couch and breathed and read an entire book. It was lovely. Then I baked cookies and fudge for my swap. Joanna, the head cleaner, came downstairs to ask if they could come back the next day to finish.

They worked until almost 4 pm and I dont think they even took a break. Rob tried to give them money and they refused. When Joanna said goodbye, I couldn’t help but cry. She hugged me and said she hoped I feel better.

It’s a hard thing to accept help. I always feel like people are willing because they feel like “This poor woman with stage four cancer is going to be dead soon…” Sympathy drowns you in the ocean of pity. That’s why we say no so much. Because accepting help makes it all real.

But this time?

I am so glad I said yes.

The funny thing is that the reason I said yes was because I was hosting my cookie swap for the first time in years and was excited my house would be clean. Wouldn’t you know the part they didn’t get to clean was where the party would be?

It actually worked out, because now today that part will be cleaned after the cookie crumbs hit the floor.

The cookie swap was lovely. I had gotten nervous was all day long because I kept getting texts from women saying they were sick or their kids were sick, so I was nervous no one would come.

I ended up with over twenty four or so women, and it was lovely. Someone said they couldn’t believe I did it, and asked if I was nervous.

I wasnt.

Because my tribe is full of women who just love me.

No judging.

Just love.

I may not go out with my girlfriends anymore, but I know they all still love me, even bald, thirty pounds heavier, exhausted, and a with partially clean house.

Everyone said they still had so much to do, but they were glad they came. It’s important to take time to stop and laugh and even eat a cookie or two.

My sister had to work, so we made sure to make a tray for the police station, as we always did in years past. While many are with family, there are also many working during the holidays. We are grateful for them.

Today I’ll finish wrapping, clean up from yesterday and have Joanna and her crew finish the house. My Hamptons Residence Services is the name of the company. I have nothing to compare them with, but to me, they were angels. If you need a cleaning service, I highly recommend these women.

When Joanna left, I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions… embarrassment at how long it would take to clean them my house, sadness at how exhausted I am all the time and how cancer changed the trajectory of my life so much that I have to choose whether to use energy cleaning or teaching, and extreme gratitude for this company and these women. I cried.

The ugly cry.

Joanna hugged me tight and whispered she hoped I felt better soon, and would be back tomorrow.

That’s when it happened.

The Christmas spirit flooded my heart.

Not because I did something, but because SHE did something.

She and her crew reminded me of how Jesus said to care for one another. They cleaned my house and didn’t want anything for it. They scrubbed and laundered and dusted, all for a

Woman they didn’t know… and are coming back on Christmas Eve to finish.

Everyone idolizes sports stars and movie stars. Me?

My heroes are people who clean and scrub the bathtub for a woman with cancer the day before Christmas Eve.

Kindness from strangers finally brought me the Christmas spirit, and it carried me through

to the cookie swap, where I was surrounded by women who love me.

I’m going to play polish Christmas carols and make the cleaners each a tray of cookies, which I hope they take.

We are going to church at 4, then having Christmas dinner with robs family.

I’ll finish wrapping today and tonight I’ll thank God for sending us a savior in the form of a little baby….

And thank this cleaning company for my clean house.

Today is the most magical day of the year.

The children wait for Santa, past hurts are set aside, hugs and love are given freely, and people remember the story of how love came down at Christmas to save us all.

Take some time today to sit with a warm mug

Of something delicious, and just breathe and feel the magic. Look at the twinkling lights and remember the loved ones who are no longer here, but still in our hearts.

Breathe.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is “get it done” day.

Christmas shopping, wrapping and cleaning, with some baking thrown in for good measure.

I spent most of my day yesterday sitting on a hard bleacher cheering on the Riverhead NJROTC unit. These kids always make me so proud.

If you’ve never been to a meet, you should go. It’s incredibly impressive. You watch boys and girls working together with precision to complete routines, with one cadet calling out orders. Once those are finished, they end with the exciting competitions.

One is the Push Up challenge. They play a recording of a drill sergeant saying “down.. up.. down.. up” in a steady cadence. Each platoon has four boys and four girls competing in the middle of the gym with judges who are actual soldiers walking around and watching. Riverhead blew them all away. Maddie and another girl were the last two going, and Maddie ended up with 52 pushups… and not from the knees like most girls do. Straight up pushups.

Then it was time for the knockout competition. Everyone gets onto the floor and a soldier barks out commands, while other soldiers look to see if you follow correctly. It is like Simon says. Maddie wasn’t going to do it but I told her to get on that floor and win.

She reluctantly joined and we watched and real soldiers picked off cadet by cadet, and calling out commands faster and trickier.

Guess what?

Out of a couple hundred kids, she was last cadet standing. Her face was priceless, and she hugged me in front of other kids when I saw her. That’s a big deal for her and for any teen to hug their mom in public.

I’ll take it.

I also ran to the giving room quickly to get some good juices to build up my body after chemo. I was introduced to a doctor who is helping to bring a new center to the north fork where breast cancer patients can learn about acupuncture, meditation, and nutrition. The doctor wants me to be a consultant. We exchanged information and I’m excited to help in any way I can.

We decided to go see Star Wars last night and it was amazing. I’m not going to spoil it, but every one of us loved it.

Today we are going to get it all done.

Somehow.

I still don’t have that Christmas spirit, but it will come. I was so focused on getting everything done at school this year and the cancer, I let my own Christmas take a backseat.

I’m hoping it hits me soon.

It usually would hit me when I went to Christmas Eve service at church. We are going to a new church this Christmas Eve and I’m sure it will come to me then.

It’s all about a baby, plain and simple.

When love came down to save us all.

May we all be filled with that love today and every day, and our words and actions reflect that.

We’ve become a mob mentality society and have no problem getting whipped into a frenzy and writing mean things while getting others to join in.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find a way to get others to join in with a love mentality, and instead of judgement, send peace and love and light.

Try that today.

Don’t judge other people’s shoes or even try to walk in them. Just step aside and say,

“Peace be with you”.

“And also with you”.

Then live your own life.

What a world that would be.

Here’s to peace, love and light.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

(May peace AND the

Force be with you…)

Happy anniversary to me.

Three years ago today I sat across from a doctor who told me the cancer had spread and I was stage four… terminal, and had little time left.

These three years have been the hardest yet most full of love of my life.

I’ve learned to appreciate the little things along with the big things.

I’ve been able to continue to watch my children grow.

I’ve grown closer to Jesus even though I’ve left my church.

I’ve learned how boundaries are a sign of self love.

I’ve learned to not be as judgemental as I was. Today’s society has become a toxic wasteland at times. Two sides that never compromise, and if people make mistakes others are gleeful and never forget.

I was struck by words of kindness I saw yesterday from two gentlemen. Words of acceptance and kindness. That’s what I want to be like.

A safe harbor in a storm.

After all, Jesus is the only one who should judge us and our actions.

Every bone in my body hurts today. Im not sure if it is the doxil chemo or the xgeva shot. Rob is already up and off to Maddie’s rotc meet in Mattituck. I’ll be there later today, as I just can’t get moving that fast today.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. I got to school early to finish shellacking a parent gift from the kids, we had an hour and fifteen minute assembly ending with Santa, we made our own wrapping paper envelope and decorated it, we had a cookie and milk party, finished up our stuffed sock snowmen, and packed up all of the crafts and gifts they made.

The staff worked so hard and also lost all dignity to make the kids happy. The things we do for our students.

I pretty much crawled out of school in exhaustion.

I was surprised by a former student and her mom. I havent seen her mom in about twenty years, and she thanked me for all I did with her daughter. She remembered when she wouldn’t wear her new glasses, so I made a point to wear mine the next day. My student wrote a beautiful note for me and I’ll treasure it forever. She now works in my district and I’m so proud of her… (and feel really old).

Today is Maddie’s meet, and we might go see Star Wars tonight. Maddie is tired too, as she stayed after yesterday to fill up baskets for families in need. We’ve got some great kids in Riverhead.

Tomorrow I’ll do some shopping and bake cookies.

I’m hosting a cookie swap Monday night with some friends. I used to have huge swaps before the cancer came, and stopped. It’s time to bring it back.

Im not letting cancer steal anything from me anymore.

Today, let’s all try to give others a fresh start. Be grateful you are alive and are able to do so.

Be kinder with your words, and gentler with your actions.

Recognize your own blessings instead of pointing out others shortcomings.

Be so full of self love and happiness it can’t help but spill out onto others.

Take time to breathe and stretch and eat something healthy.

Give more hugs and tell other you love them.

Make it a beautiful day.

I’ll be thanking God for all of this extra time I’ve been given.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri