Burn the Boat

I’m up and getting ready to start waterbombing. That’s when I drink a crap ton of water in preparation for the chemo.

I’m also taking a detox bath. I’m going in today as strong as I can.

Yesterday morning I sobbed and howled in the shower as hair wouldn’t stop coming out by the clumpfull. Rob held me as I cried and cried. It’s not just hair. It’s not easier because I have great wigs and have done this before.

It sucks.

I tenderly blew out my hair for the last time, because my scalp hurts… then I took back my day.

Maddie went to an all day all dungeons and dragons get together with her friends. I decided to keep my other two busy. We called up two of their friends and baked. We baked Halloween cookies while listening to Christmas music sung by Nat King Cole, then made banana bread for all of my nurses and staff at the oncology center today. There is something so cathartic about baking, as well as doing for others. I felt at peace all day.

We picked up Maddie, went to get the kids their Halloween costumes, then came home.

I didnt eat all day and had one cup of broth soup for dinner. I won’t eat again until Saturday in order to help the chemo be more effective. My healthy cells will lay limp with starvation and no energy, as the cancer cells act like gremlins on crack and gobble it all up. Then I’ll build up my healthy cells with organic juices as the cancer cells are hungover and die from the chemo.

It’s not easy… especially for a former stress eater and wine drinker. But my life is worth every possible thing I can do to keep it going.

At seven o clock we decided to shave my head. We took a family selfie first, put on Nat King Cole, then started buzzing. Quinn shaved my head first, and he was adorable. “This might feel weeeeeird…”. Morgan went next and was compassionate. Maddie took the clippers and felt like she was in the army as she gave me a GI Jane cut. Then Rob took over.

I’m so lucky.

He was gentle, kept telling me how beautiful I am, and kissed my face while he shaved my head. When you take your marriage vows, you never think this will be your life. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. I’m lucky he took those vows to heart.

We finished and took two more selfies, one without my hair and one with my new wig I got from amazon. It came to me to name her Noelle. Because by Christmas, I’m declaring healing. Noelle comes from the Latin word “Natale”, meaning birth. And last night I was born yet again.

A caterpillar goes through one transformation.

I’m been continuously transformed through this process. I’ve been a woman on fire, especially lately, as I spread awareness for metastic breast cancer.

A woman on fire… a Phoenix rising from the ashes.

Another woman I know has been going through a different sort of transformation and I’ve seen her do it before. She comes out stronger and more powerful each time. She spoke of how you can build your own boat. You also burn your boat. Then do it again until you get it right.

I had been so proud of the hair I had grown, and had just gotten enough for a ponytail nub. It seems so unfair that I finally started to feel good about it, then poof! It’s gone again.

But here’s the thing.

The fear and depression that gripped my soul every time hair came out was heart stopping. I would feel physically ill. Then have to remember to keep breathing.

So I lit a match and burned my boat.

I’m starting over again.

My friend Claire then sent me a song I never heard before, by For King and Country, called “Burn the Ships”.

“Step into a new day

We can rise up from the dust and walk away

We can dance upon the heartache, yeah

So light a match, leave the past, burn the ships

And don’t you look back

Burn the ships, cut the ties

Send a flare into the night

Say a prayer, turn the tide

Dry your tears and wave goodbye”

So I’m sayin goodbye to my hair and starting again. This chemo is turning the tide, and I’ll keep dancing through the heartache.

My echocardiogram is at 9, and chemo chair is at 12. It will take about an hour for the port access and labs and pre meds to go in, so chemo will probably be pushed into my body around 1:00 or so. Please keep me in prayer that the heart is strong, the white blood cells are great, the tumor markers all went down significantly, and this chemo cycle is gentle on my body and soul as it ravages the cancer cells and destroys them all.

Burn, baby, burn.

My oncologist said she liked my articles, and believe it or not, we can donate to HER research. She sent me her current research projects. You see, my oncologist is a badass rockstar. She only sees patients one day a week, because the rest of the week she is in her lab, figuring out ways to burn the boat.

I’m going to do donate some of my funds I’m getting to her. I’ll write a check to stony brook research for her from some of the RunIVMore go fund me page, so whatever we raise from today on… is going to her. She is saving my life, and will have the breakthrough treatment.

We will burn the boat together.

I also met with a friend and shared my herbalists information. In five years the proceeds from whatever book I write will be split between Snuffy, Stopeck and Yance’s Mederi center.

I declare it.

I shared a video Mederi released featuring Erin, my liaison to Donnie. It felt so good to see her and get a face to the voice.

Let’s take back October and donate to metavivor , north fork breast health coalition, Mederi, or Stony Brook Cancer Center. These are places you know help people and give all the money to where it belongs.

Today I’ll listen to Christmas songs and sing and dance as I wear my new wig and get more healing treatments from nurses I love.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



5 thoughts on “Burn the Boat

  1. Will be praying for you as you start this next round. I start my first treatment on Tuesday. I am so grateful I have found your blog – I am also reading from the very beginning. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I will be praying for you as you start this next round. I start my first treatment on Tuesday. I am so grateful I have found your blog – I am also reading from the beginning. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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