If it’s possible to have a beautiful day when you get chemo…
I had it.
Every morning in the shower I listen to bethel music, hilltop. On Wednesday morning I was crying in the shower as clumps of hair came out and rob and I were say g it was the day to shave my hair. I put on a specific song for healing cancer, and it was a live version where they audience members were all laying hands on people and praying over them to be healed. I prayed to have that experience.
Yesterday morning, my friend Eileen messaged me she was gifted four tickets to a sold out concert in Brooklyn Saturday night and I can go with her.
We then dropped off the kids at school and headed to the echocardiogram. I had a moment where I realized I’m not crazy and felt validated. You see, every time a hot flash comes, it feels like a heart attack for me and panic. As I laid on the table, I watched my big beautiful heart pump. I played with my breath and did vagus nerve breathing and saw it go slow and steady. Then? I felt a hot flash coming. You know that line that goes straight and then has a little mountain every three inches or so? Mine went haywire. I told the tech I was having a hot flash and it would pass. I told her when it started to go away, and then the calm mountain pattern returned.
I’m not crazy, and yes, hot flashes are that bad.
She also had me sniff quick once or twice. She said it tests a specific part of the heart and sniffing actually strengthens it. I told her about what I learned in yoga class, and it’s called the kalabati breath. It’s also called the skull shining or ring of fire, where you take quick and forceful inhales and exhales. The physical benefits are too great to mention, but some are it releases toxins, improves digestion, strengthens your lungs, even helps to warm your body. It’s amazing, and I’ve signed up to teach a class at our superintendents conference day to my colleagues should they want to learn.
We had some time before my chemo spa chair appointment, so we went to Barnes and Nobles. Rob got breakfast and me a tea. I left him to eat since I’m fasting, and let Holy spirit walk me around. I always play this game, “What book do you want me to get today, Jesus?” It never fails that I end up in the same section of religion and spirituality. I touch books and one will jump out at me. This time four jumped out at me, and three (3!!!) were all of the same title. The word “Now” was in the title, and I knew that book was the one. I felt the word NOW in my heart as being important. I went back to rob, and we got a phone call that chair had opened up two hours earlier than scheduled, and I could go in.
Off we went to the cancer center.
I brought my homemade pumpkin bread and have some to the front desk ladies, then went to Dr Stopeck’s front desk. As I handed out pumpkin bread, everyone talked about my new wig. I noticed a woman walk by and stay near. As I started to walk up to the elevator, she stopped by and asked me about it. As it turns out, she was scared. She starts her very first chemo Tuesday, and only knew it starts with a T and a C. I asked if taxol and carboplatin sounded familiar and she said yes. I asked if it would be ok if I shared some tips. I told her all about the frozen peas and blueberries and science behind it, how to chew on ice chips, how to drink water like it’s Your job, if they offer a port, don’t be afraid, and get one good wig from wig allure but then don’t be afraid to shop Amazon and get some good cheap one for under $40. I told her the name of my website and she asked if I was a Christian. I said yes. She said she prayed to God to find someone who could talk to her about this and her I was, giving her my contact information and tips.
Had my appointment not been moved up, had I not stopped at the front desk first, she would have never walked by me at the exact moment I was talking about my wig.
God put her in the path she prayed for, and put me where I was needed.
I went up to the infusion area and everyone got pumpkin bread. I was hugged by everyone . To tell the truth, it’s not a bad place to go. These people have become like family.
They all saw the article and one by one, nurses would pop in and tell me how they agreed with everything. One said the hospital encourages them to take part in breast cancer walks this month. I said they should do their own for Dr Stopeck and their breast cancer research. I’ve been put in contact with someone and may help them the hospital out.
They all wore my Metavivor ribbons and bracelets as well to help spread awareness.
This time was a little different with the chemo. I felt more “jazzier and hyped up”. It was the steroids but I didnt remember that from last time, so I worked on my breathing and talked to my nanny in my heart. I asked her to be with me. Every time I do that, I hear the words, “we’ve got you , Doll”. It’s comforting, and helps me know the love lives on, even when they are gone.
My nurse suited up as she pushed the adriomycin, and it’s always strange to see someone in full protective gear covering their body and hands and holding a big yellow bag with the words “TOXIC” getting prepared to inject you slowly with what is inside.
It truly looks like red apple hard candy liquid,
So I pretend its all sugar and the gremlin cancer cells raging on crack in my body are going to town on it as my healthy cells lay and moan, “were starving, save some for us!” But the cancer gremlin cells on crack shout, “Suck it, bitches! It’s all ours”. Then today the cancer gremlins on crack cells are hungover like a night out in town and whither away like the wicked witch from the west after taking the ice bucket challenge two days later, while I begin to eat healthy again.
We got preliminary results from the echocardiogram and got great news. The left ventricle is supposed to pump at something like fifty three percent for normal normals of some measurement. Mine was 61%.
They were thrilled and said it’s a strong heart .
My white blood cells were above six.
It’s been YEARS since that.
My liver function number also are teetering in normal range.
Today I get tumor marker results.
I’ve been warned it may go up signaling tumor die off.
The third cycle will tell the tale.
Maureen came from Dr Stopeck’s office to do a bedside exam. She said they all loved my bread. She closed the curtain and I asked her to feel my breast. She said it definitely felt softer and the big hard tumor felt more like it had broken up. It was a good feel.
I hugged my nurses goodbye, and we went home.
I took off my wig and gasped. There were more bald spots, like a dog with mange. Quinn walked in from the bus and took one look and I knew. He was scared.
So I took him by the hand and said I cant wear wigs all the time, but I have a whole bag of hats and scarves. Would he rather i would those when home? He said looking at me like this makes him uncomfortable. So off we went and found the bag of accessories I never used last year. I shaved my head because it was all falling out, bet it never went totally bald. This time is different. We sat and looked through them. He picked a long flowing one with flowers, but my scalp needed softness because it hurts. Rob talked him
Into letting me wear a black cotton one.
When Quinn left, she said she gets it, because for the first time ever I actually looked like a real cancer patient mom.
It broke my heart, but I am so proud they can talk honestly with me.
Then I went to a Kaits angels event with MaryAnne the Medium. (Go ahead and skip this paragraph, judgy Christians.)
I got to meet board members who voted to have me be the recipient of the yard sale and hug and cry and thank them. I hugged darla, and it’s like hugging an angel on earth.
Then it began.
Listen, all my hope and faith is in Jesus. But he gifted the apostles with powers. Do you think he actually stopped with them? Do you think he can’t still gift people with powers?
I know he can.
She would walk right up to a person and say their name. She would know months of birthdays. She would say phrases the loved ones passed through her and bring comfort to all who she touched with her gift.
I went alone, and realized the room was full of people I knew and loved.
I had said in my mind to my Namny to have Maryann come to me. She said , “We’ve for you doll”.
She walked right over to me. She knows me a little and has heard my story, so I’m sure she finds it difficult to come to those she knows of. However…
It was perfect.
She said there was so much white light around me she didn’t even know where to start. She said I am surrounded by angels and archangels, and asked if I call on them. I do. I am always talking to my nan and pop along with Jesus and Mary.
She said she had someone step forward.
My mother’s mother.
On the way to the event, I told my mom on the phone that I talk to nanny all the time and just wanted to hear from her.
Nanny said through Maryann that she was with me all the time, and had her hand on my arm today.
I felt it during chemo.
Thank you Nanny.
She said I need to cleanse and save my crystals. That I’m not sleeping well and need more. That I’ve been thinking of a meditation space and need to make it. I had just asked rob about turning tomcat joes room into my space. She said they were saying that doctors will be going through my charts and the past… but I meed to stay in the now. She said the word now over and over and said that word was important and spirit wanted me to know that.
I said messaged received. I had just bought three books with the word now that day.
She said I was doing great and stay on the path.
Then she left, and I wished I taped it because I may have missed some.
But nanny came through.
She always does.
After the event, I finally met the mother of Nick Coutts. Another angel on earth. We discussed so much so quickly. She said they wanted to give me all the money raised for him. I said how uncomfortable I am with that. So we decided together that the money he donated to me will go to Dr Stopeck and her research. It will help me AND countless other lives.
She is a force.
God is surrounding me with powerful people.
I came home and Rob ran a bath for me for detox.
I’m in another one now, then throwing on a wig and going to school.
The pink one of course.
It’s PINK week in kindergarten.
I figure it’s a great way to introduce how I’m in superhero school at night. The neulasta machine implanted on my arm is my tracker. My port is my magic flying button.
My wigs are my disguises.
I finally applies for the free housekeeping everyone keeps sending. I’ve been denied as there are no housecleaners in the area. That’s ok. I would probably my clean before then get here anyway!
I also got a new wig, and a message from another stranger that my blog is helping her.
So that’s my story how a chemo day can be a thing of beauty and magic.
May today be a day of beauty and magic and answered prayers as well.
In Jesus’s name. Amen.