Spider-Man saves the day yesterday. Let me explain…

Yesterday was bad.

Exhausted, dark, painful.

Laid on a couch all day and went between crying, trying to hydrate to replace all the water I was crying out, getting herbs down, putting lotion on my feet, my kids asking over and over what they could do, rob saying it will get better, and my mind saying it will only get worse.

Facebook can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. It keeps you connected so you don’t feel alone and can ask questions in support groups. It can make you feel depressed seeing everyone else taking their kids to the beach and enjoying summer. It can hurt you to the heart seeing people live their lives without a single thought about you.

It was a bad day.

As Alexander once said, “A no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day.”

My sister came by and her kids swam with my kids. It’s amazing the people who leave you, and beautiful the people who stay. I was asleep when she came, woke up and cried, and she got me water and rubbed my arm until I went back to sleep. It’s not easy seeing someone you love in pain, but she has stayed.

Not everyone does.

I’m so glad she stayed.

We salvaged it by deciding to treat the kids to spider man. I didnt even shower yesterday, and didn’t care. The movie theatre is dark.

Of course… there were people there I knew, but they were students and friends of Maddie, and she doesn’t care being seen out with her family. For two hours I stayed awake and escaped. Maddie is now more sure she wants to be a screen writer or in film, probably because she saw it got her mom off the couch and smile for a little bit.

My lips are also now sore, so I rubbed coconut ice cream on them when I got home. It made the pain a bit sweeter.

I emailed my oncologist, because I posted in two of my xeloda support groups and the girls all said that it’s a crazy drug. Every single day is different, and no….I’m not crazy. With all of the other chemo treatments I’ve been on, it would slowly build, and I would know which day to expect which side effects.

With this one?

It’s like Forrest Gumps chocolate, and you never know what you’re going to get.

They said that dose reductions help, which is always scary. Part of me is like, give me all the medicine to kill the cancer, and the other part of me is like a little cancer is fine. I’ll take cancer out of the liver but still in the bones if i can keep quality of life.

The things you never think you’ll bargain with God about. Then Oprah and her friends tell you to expect miracles and yadda yadda yadda, so you get confused. Do I give it all up to God? No wait… I was told the only way to get to God is to ask Jesus. But then others who have healed said you can control your life and your destiny, so if it is to be is it up to me?

Then you read about another stage four person who you followed has died, and she thought all the things and prayed all the prayers, so you just end up breathing again.

I said I was like Yoda yesterday, repeating “I am one with the force and the force is in me.” Sitting still, breathing slowly, saying, “The cream, please pass me.”

The good news today is Donnie Yance’s cream is working. I stayed off of my feet all day and the blisters have hardened up and started to get better. Some women said that it takes a while to get the dosage right, but then the chemo becomes easier. Maybe that’s why I’ve got all summer to get it right, so I can be fine for work.

I need to work.

Not only for the money and benefits…

But I love my job. It also keeps me busy from the dark thoughts when I’m surrounded by kids who believe in unicorns and magic.

Today I’m bringing Maddie to run early at a park. Then I have a treatment with Danielle. My kids have sailing, I’ll keep my feet up and rest. I’m doing yoga tonight for another young person I know who needs it.

I need it too.

I found an article on Facebook yesterday that showed how oncologists tend to give the highest dosage to see what a patient can handle, then lessen it, even though research shows lesser doses are just as effective. It’s like killing a mosquito with a blowtorch. I took it as a sign and emailed my doctor for a possible discussion on dose reduction. Even one less pill might make a difference.

Thursday is a big day and we will see.

I’m feeling emotionally stronger today.

I am taking steps to help feel better and protect my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.

I’m sharing a lot here, and it’s a vulnerable thing to do. To those who have stuck around and comment or even just hit the simple

Little like button, you don’t know how much you help me as I go along. I went through my lists and removed all those who stopped commenting or liking.

This life is precious and real and messy and beautiful, and only those who want to stand in the dark and in the light with me and let me know they are here get to stay. Feeling like you don’t matter while feeling like you’re dying is a hard thing.

Feeling like death is closer than you think and that the doctors you fired were right, even if only for a day, brings clarity.

Today I will love this who love me right back.

Today I will heal more.

Today will be a good day.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri