More Cowbell

This is a long one but I know that some people need to hear some things and follow along for cancer reasons as well as other things. I’ll do my best.

Yesterday I had a lot of gut feelings strengthened. Madame swoosh said that I know things, things come to me, and it’s almost creepy, but I need to stop thinking and just trust it. Don’t worry if it makes sense, just act on it. That anything is possible if you believe.

That’s the Holy Spirit at work.

She also told me to stop looking at every millimeter of my body while in the bathroom every morning. She said she saw me doing it and to stop it.

Which is hard when your oncologist Emails you two weeks into treatment and asks if you feel your tumors changing.

Rob and I left early and as we drove I saw my teaching partner Penny and her husband walking the road. We pulled over and got a quick hug.

It set the tone for the day.

I went to the Meetinghouse Deli and got my hugs and food for the day. I love those ladies, and they got me through my pregnancy with Quinn. Now they are getting me through chemo with food made with love and hugs and love notes.

I ran across the street for my hugs from the office. What teacher goes into school during summer vacation just for hugs?

This teacher.

I walked into the cancer center and all the ladies loved the hair. It’s bittersweet, as it’s something I would never have done or chosen, and it will only be for a few days as the third treatment is when it falls out. But it’s nice to know people will like how it looks when it grows back. I looked up Captain Marvel and pretend to be her.

My nurse Luisa took my vitals and told me they all pray for me, the nurses, doctors, secretaries, techs, janitorial staff. Then I saw my friend from high school’s sister in law Kim who hugged me quick.

My oncologist walked into the room with a new fellow, and right behind them was my special nurse Heather. She always finds me for hugs when I need them. I think my doctor is always a little surprised when she sees all the nurses hugging me. Love is the greatest medicine there is, and Stony Brook gives out extra.

She stood right in front of me with an excited look and I asked right away if she wanted to check the breast. She did and went right to my armpits, then nodded her head and smiled. Then she felt my breast and said, “Yes, lymph nodes are definitely smaller, tumor is more defined and smaller.”I grabbed onto her arms and cried.

She explained to the fellow how the tumor was taking up half of my breast and then the fellow examined me. As she did, my oncologist explained to her how I’m doing my own research experiment with the frozen peas and blueberries and socks, and explained how it made sense. She also said I am not her first oligometastatic patient but I am the first with something else going on. It felt good to hear that she has had other oligometastatic patients. She knows what it looks like.

She thinks I could be one of them.

We also discussed the liver and that it actually could be cancer. She doesn’t know why it isn’t lighting up as cancer though. When the chemo is done, she will compare all of the scans side by side. It could be too small to light up now. If it is cancer, this chemo should take it away. She also was glad I had all the blood taken elsewhere and would like to see the results, as well as discussed the biopsy. She said she is familiar with the CARIS, but they are actually starting to move away from it and using the Guardian360, which is a molecular one with more information. Her plan is to biopsy it after it is removed from surgery. Her plan made sense. That gut feeling immediately came, and it felt right. I told her I am interviewing the man from Oregon and will rely on my gut feeling to see if I add him to my team. She also said I was doing great as she looked at me. I told her Dr Snuffleuffugus was supporting me with his herbs. She told me I am now on a three week on, one week off cycle, as week three could be harder.

Three is a good number for me, so I am praying for the best. No chemo next week.

Then we left to go to chemo, and on the way I saw Wing, my nurse from my original biopsy.

More hugs.

We had trouble getting the IV and needle in, as they went by my wrist and didn’t use the heating packs like we usually do. The second nurse tried, asked me, “Where am I going?”, put a hot pack right where I pointed, and it went right in. She said it didn’t look like a good vein but it was a great one, so much so that Rob said blood came out and the nurse said not to look.

I breathed.

Then you wait for your labs to see if you can get chemo. They check your liver, kidneys, and red and white blood cells. I got the green light and we started.

Rob got right to work with the socks, peas, blueberries and ice chips spoon feeding in my mouth. He explained the reasoning as my nurses because it was a whole new crew. They watched me carefully the first fifteen minutes, looking if I took a deep breath or sighed, taking my blood pressure every five minutes as well as taking my temperature. Allergic reactions are serious and the nurses are on top of it.

It was funny when my nurse tried to take the temperature orally, as it wouldn’t even read because my mouth was too cold. She had to use my armpit and remarked how great I smelled. We had an informative discussion on deodorant, (i used Schmidt’s vanillla and rose yesterday because my secret nurse Amy gave it to me and joke I love hugging her because her armpits smell great.). I also told them how Danielle from the Peaceful Scorpion suggested just plain aloe from an aloe plant. We also discussed almond milk over regular milk and carageenan free is important.

She wrote it all down.

The nurses took a tour of the new building they are moving to in November. It has more privacy for patients, and even a place with an electric fireplace. I love the thought of it being more cozy. Comfort matters when you are in a chair for hours.

My friends Amy and Raquel sent me pictures of Amy donating her hair to locks of Love, right as I was talking about how I laughed about loving to hug her and smell her armpits. God is always right on time. Two angels in my life in one picture as I speak of them in a chemo chair.

I also got a funny watermelon picture from the Giving Room and laughed out loud. They are still recovering from Free KFS day.

Oregon called as well as we discussed how I will fax my results as soon as I get them. We also discussed the biopsy and she will let Donnie know. My hope is that I have this rock star oncologist learn about this rockstar holistic specialist and together they will be like the wonder twins and find ways to cure all cancers of all stages and types.

I finally finished and came home to beautiful sunflowers from a mystery friend. Thank you, friends. Cases and cases of Essentia Water and sunflowers left by mystery friends were silver linings.

I drank and drank water to flush it out of my system, then got picked up by Paula to go to a special evening.

I’ve heard of this woman, Maryann the Medium, for years as she is my sister in laws high school friend.

I love Jesus. I love the Bible. I know some people feel that mediums are wrong and evil spirits come through them. If you go to them you could go to hell.

I also know the Holy Spirit. I also have felt heaven a few times since the diagnosis. It’s pure love. That’s why I’m not afraid of the actual dying, because instead of just reading about it in the Bible, I’ve felt it.

Pure love.

Just love.

And isn’t that Jesus? He gave us a commandment to love. When you feel love, to me? That’s Jesus.

Jesus is love.

I sat in a room last night and there were several people I know. Maryann went to three of them.

I listened as well as felt the love she was talking about. She said everything I’ve felt. How there is no pain, no suffering, just love. That’s how the Bible explains heaven, that Jesus died for us and we all get to go there when we die and feel love like we’ve never felt and be healed.

She spoke of how our loved ones don’t want us suffering in pain and sadness, but to live and smile and honor the lives we have been given.

That’s sounds a lot like many of the Bible verses I’ve been reading.

She gave peace to many in that room.

As I got up to leave, a woman turned around from the front row and I saw my Heather again. I started and ended my day with hugs from her. God keeps putting her in my path. I’m so glad.

He always picks who I need when I dont even know I need them myself.

I came home and hugged the kids, then rob and I sat with Joe a while. I told him about my day and night, and explained that it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to my heart to take him in to our homes and hearts, as crazy as it was. I said how it can be hard for me to have such beautiful moments like the evening I just had and know that some people I love and respect think it could send me to hell. Rob mentioned Moses and Isaiah and other prophets in the Bible and I felt better. I also sometimes feel bad when I bring out tokens and prayers some Catholic friends have given me where you pray to Mary or St Jude or St Peregrine.

Rob said that I am always asking other people to pray for me here in earth. I ask on Facebook and Instagram and twitter and my blog. I can ask whoever I want to pray for me, but I know that Jesus is the one to go to and through. It’s never wrong to ask for prayers.

Have I mentioned how much I love Rob?

I’m up, as I think the steroids have me all jazzed up. I’m drinking water and then going to try and go back to bed. If that doesn’t work, into a detox bath I go.

I had a beautiful day yesterday.

Thank you to all of you who prayed and texted and sent messages and made by day even more beautiful.

I am so lucky.

Today may everything be as it should be.

In Jesus’s name, amen.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s