A two post day.
I just left Swoosh.
She said there is still so much cancer everywhere, and is confused as well. I should not look like I do and be as active as I am based on the insides.
She asked if I’m afraid of dying.
I cried and said yes.
She said it’s been three years and I’m not dead. What if I don’t die for twenty more years? Forty? I’ll spend those years in fear instead of living.
She felt anger. She said it’s at odds with my spirituality. She said something I’ve never heard before.
She said I dont have to give forgiveness. If people don’t ask for it, then don’t give it. They don’t want it. And getting upset that people don’t want forgiveness continues the victim feeling.
Stop being a victim and take back power. Just coexist. Be kind always.
So today’s angry post? Swoooooosh.
She said to keep going with the chemo, even though it was scary hearing her say she still saw it everywhere. It will take time.
She is here until December 2, and wants me to call her after the petscan in November.
She said I show such a strong front and am not being truthful with how hard this all is.
She is right.
I don’t show you the hardest days. The hardest feelings. When i lie on the couch and can’t even look at myself with no eyebrows and hair.
I don’t want pity.
She knew I’m not sleeping. I told her about the flashes of light at night behind my eyes and I feel it’s my angels. She smiled and asked if I talk to them.
I explained the issues with the Christians who have judged me and sent me messages. She said no one knows where her gift comes from. It could be God.
I said I know it’s from God, because God led me to her.
She asked about my children, and I told her about how they have been asking if they will need petscans and if they will get cancer. Quinn talked to me about heaven Friday. He said he thinks that we will look like our best year ever, and he may look like a ten year old. I told him I dont think we will look like our human bodies. It’s like a lemon. I can say the word lemon, and you right away can see a yellow round fruit. You can imagine the ridges, smell the citrus scent, taste the juice. You don’t have to see it, but you know exactly what it is. That’s what heaven is. We sense each other and feel each other’s light, and we never leave the ones we love on earth. I said he felt better when we finished.
She said again she feels the cancer all over… and is so surprised… because I am ok.
And I am.
Here’s to more healing and forty more years.
In Jesus’s name, amen.