I’ve been told that maybe I should take some time off from work to focus on me.
That won’t work.
I was alone a lot this week at home and was miserable. I went into school to have a meeting and felt happy. I spent the whole morning with my four year old niece and it was magical.
I’m meant to be with those who believe in fairies and unicorns and can make magic wands out of sticks.
We walked to the beach and made stone towers. I told her I loved her more than butterflies. She told me she loved me more than Hershey kisses. We walked by some woods and called for all the fairies and unicorns to come out. We laid on the floor and played with a dollhouse my poppa had made by hand, and I found a teeny tiny holy bible he had placed in the house.
I was happy, and rob is lucky, because if we could, I would have wanted to have another baby after yesterday.
Then I drove to the eye specialist in Southampton. I was nervous, as the president was in town, but there was no traffic at all. I went by myself, which I usually don’t do as I’ve gotten white coat syndrome and feel anxious whenever I have to give my medical history. It’s especially hard when the first thing people do when hear stage four is gasp and then say they are so sorry. I am quick to say no. It’s okay. I’m ok.
Then they see I am and believe it.
It was an hour of drops and lasers and bright lights and paper strips under my eyelids, and by the time we were done I could barely see. my pupils took up my whole eyeball.
Then I had to drive home. I couldnt read signs and had to drive slow, but it’s Southampton, and you get a ticket for going over 20 mph there anyway.
My dad got Morgan and Quinn from the Mattituck Yacht Club. They gave my kids scholarships to learn to sail this year, and it’s been such a blessing. I am so grateful for the memories my kids have been given
We decided to run up near the mall to get Quinn some last minute supplies for Boy Scout camp. We had dinner then walked through the mall. I called a friend who has a loved one struggling with chemo and gave some advice. It was also my one year port placement anniversary, and robs cousin also had her port placed yesterday, so now we are twinsies.
My friend candy went to our friend Lisa’s memorial service up in Cortland. She hugged Lisa’s family for me and told them all about what she meant to me this past year.
The great thing about Facebook is it helps us all keep in touch. But the bad thing is that because we keep in touch this way, we aren’t sharing real life space with those we love. We’ve got to do that more. Lisa’s wall has tributes and beautiful things said about her. People wishing they had known the cancer came back and could have seen her one last time.
As morbid as this sounds, we are all dying. So don’t wait until everyone is dead to love them.
We spend so much time looking down on our phones at other peoples lives, we forget to look up and be a part of other people’s lives.
Today my dad is taking Quinn to his barber. Quinn is nervous because it’s not Raquel, but my dad wants to do this so he is going to go with grandpa. Memories.
Madison is going to be in the town cardboard boat race with her friends. Their boat is the music one for those going. Memories.
I’m going to a wedding. My very first First grade class over twenty something years ago, I had this girl. I love every single one of my kids forever, and today she is getting married. I’m only going to the church. I was invited to the reception but by nine o’clock clock I’m done, especially with this eye issue. I’m going to see this little girl that I taught to read marry a boy she met and has loved for years. What a gift as a teacher to be able to see our kids grow up.
I saw a chart yesterday about the length of life after diagnosis and percentage of chance to live longer. Ever year you survive, your chance to live five more years increases. My chance now is 39%, but in November it will jump to 45%. I was metastatic before I was diagnosed though and just didn’t know it. So I will claim the 45% and round up to 50%.
I spent the morning looking for unicorns with my niece. I’m the unicorn though. The rare breed no one gets to see but hears about, and then sees them frolicking about in sunflower fields. 100% is my goal, friends.
Today may the sun shine on my Natasha as she marries her love, Rob. May they have years and years of happiness, health, love,polka dances, and laughter.
May Maddie paddle fast and stay afloat.
May I continue to heal and be the unicorn.
In Jesus’s name, amen.