Not Today

I’m sick and tired of people badmouthing Facebook.

Let me tell you about Facebook for a minute.

Because of Facebook….

I’ve been able to research new drugs, find ways to combat side effects, and not feel so alone at three am in the morning when I’m up crying and praying that the five year statistic won’t apply to me.

Because of Facebook…

I’ve been able to share my story, and have had people sent to me. They then go to my healers, and i get messages like I did yesterday, from a woman I’ve never met who went to see Madame swoosh yesterday, and thanked me so much for the peace it brought her. Peace to someone with stage four breast cancer is fleeting… and helps me get back to sleep at three am.

Because of Facebook….

My nurses and staff at the hospital can keep up with ME, Keri, and know me as a person, not just a patient. They know who I am as a mother, teacher, wife and friend, and message me when I’m up at three am.

Because of Facebook…

I get support from people I knew from high school, college, former families of students, friends, and strangers. Support that gets me through the night now as I know a scan is coming in a month.

Because of Facebook…

Memories pop up from when I was first diagnosed and I can see how far I’ve come. Memories also pop up from before I was diagnosed and I can remember what life was like before cancer, and before the Scanxiety entered my life… especially at three am.

Yes.

I went to bed crying with rob trying to calm me down last night.

Yes.

I was up at three am trying to breathe through Scanxiety of trying to find a vein for the radiation, being stuck in a tube with banging and clanging for an hour while praying to God and Jesus and all sorts of prayers that for once can it be a good scan and oh my god please take it away forever.

Facebook is a reflection of you.

If you have issues with Facebook, you’re not using it correctly.

(And those who bash Facebook who have never even had it and refuse to sign up? They probably already know what theirs would look like.)

I am up and getting ready for school. I got an email from Hermina that tried to make me feel better about the rising tumor markers, and an email from Erin saying she is meeting with Donnie today. Tumor markers for me haven’t been reliable, but seeing them rise to the highest they’ve ever been doesn’t help a girl get back to sleep at three am.

I rewatched the Game of Thrones episode last night. I feel like Arya. She has faced death over and over and over. But every time death comes, she has the same answer.

“Not today”.

That’s what I say to the God of death when he comes at three am.

“Not today”.

And I’ll keep saying it for the next month as I wait for the scan, and get the results, and continue treatments and pills and potions.

I’ll keep saying it for the next forty years.

What do I say to the god of death?

Not today.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

2 thoughts on “Not Today

  1. Keri, you do not know me, and we have never met. But, I know you through your blog. Don’t let the naysayers discourage you in any way. You are a warrior, and you encourage anyone who follows you in whatever life is throwing at them. Love and hugs to you. You, Keri are in my prayers every night.

    Liked by 1 person

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