It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post.
I’m still here.
I’m stepping away to heal.
Here is my Facebook post I wrote to my friends.
It explains it all.
This is going to be my last morning post for a while. You’ll see pictures from my life and articles shared, but I’m not going to post every morning about cancer anymore.
Let me explain.
I went to Madame Swoosh yesterday.
As we left town, I began to listen to a meditation Alycia sent me. The moment I pressed play, the phone rang. It was Maryne, Madame Swoosh’s daughter making sure I was coming. As I listened to the meditation, i cried. I became filled with such gratitude to God for allowing me to come to this world and live this life with the blessings He has given me. I thanked Him for Rob, my children, my mom and dad and siblings, friends. I looked at the sky and the trees and just cried at how beautiful this world can be, even when it’s so very hard.
We arrived and hugged and kissed and began.
We discussed some things as we began that I didn’t understand the last time. Clarified things. I’m someone who wants everyone to like me, and when I feel energy coming off of people that I take as negative, it affects me. She said people have the right to not like others. But we also have to accept it and not let it take away our own energy. When people upset you, so what? Move on.
We also discussed how obsessed I’ve become with food. Will it heal me? Hurt me? Will I eat today? If I eat something that has sugar, the guilt has been horrible. That guilt is worse than the sugar. Live life. Now, don’t go eating everything in sight, but make smart choices and when you have an occasional indulgence, enjoy it.
Then she started swooshing.
She spent a lot of time on my breast and armpit. But then?
She went to my upper abdomen and worked and worked. I became scared. The oncologist said that the cancer I have is tricky and sneaky, and likes to go to organs like the stomach. I’ve been having pain in my abdomen. She said she saw a problem.
She said I need to put all of my focus on my gut. But for a different reason that I thought. She said that she can feel that I know things. Things come to me and I just know things…. but then my head questions and I cut the feeling my gut tells me because the head says it doesn’t seem possible.
She worked on my head a lot, and had me turn over. As she worked down toward my sacrum, she said to prepare myself and she was going to do something that hurt. She did it twice.
Then she explained why she did what she did and it made total sense.
She finished and it was time to debrief.
She was very serious, and talked so fast her daughter had a hard time translating everything. She even became very stern.
I asked if the cancer was still there, and she gave me the look. She said i know things and to trust my gut. I still feel it inside of me, and said she still felt it without any hesitation. I asked if it spread, and she said no without any hesitation.
She said she feels it’s all I think about it, and as hard as it is, I have to stop. I told her I’ve felt whispers in my soul about a cancer matrix. How I’m living in the cancer matrix and need to rise above this level of living, if that makes sense. She and her daughter became very animated and said that was exactly it. That once I do that, I will be “very big lady”, so tall.
She said I keep fighting it. I need to accept it. It’s a part of me. It’s my story. I said it has been feeling like I need to just be with it, be still, learn from it, walk along and listen. She said yes.
And once I do… it will go.
She said only then I will be cured.
She said cured.
But I have so much work to do.
We discussed Oregon.
She referenced my gut again. She said I already know if I should go. It is so expensive. That’s been in my head. But my gut says I need to go. I had the benefit last year and know that we haven’t touched the money because it was meant for this moment in time. She said I will go and know immediately if it is part of my story.
She said again I have to accept the cancer, then?
Forget about it. That there will be people who will come again and again and say they have things that are expensive and will help me, but to remember, I am the cure.
It is inside of me.
And I flashed to the moment in the car on the ride in. I got it.
God is everywhere. He made every single cell in my body. His hands formed me, and His spirit and light is in me. I just need to use it.
My head just said not to write that, because people will say I have a God complex now. But that’s not what I mean.
I need to trust in Him and heal, but by being still when making decisions and listening to my gut. My God whispers. Not my head or outside world, worrying about what others think. I need to make whatever decision comes by listening to the answer that comes first and being still. Than I need to move on and stop second guessing. I cant do that when I’m thinking about it all the time.
Madame told me that she had cancer in the exact same place at age 33 and doctors gave her six months to live. She went to Sedona with the woman whose son she helped last week for her seventieth birthday. She said she lived her life after she was told the six month prognosis and just went “swoosh”. My dad also said he acted like every cancer he got was just a cold.
She said she knows it’s so hard, but kept saying how important it was.
I sobbed like a baby in her arms.
She held me and kept rubbing my back and I knew she was feeling my energy. Her daughter said it was good, let it go.
They spoke with rob and he said again how he just knows I’m going to beat it.
She said she does too.
But I have to believe as well.
I thanked her for helping friends I have sent and am sending to her. She said she is squeezing more in before she goes back to France this week. She will be back again in the fall.
When I hug her and her daughter, I feel so much love. I’ll miss them.
We left, and I was exhausted.
I missed a baby shower, but the healing and solitude after this was needed. So much was said and I still don’t think I caught all of it.
I was Drained, but I know the shower I missed will forgive me because she knows what I’m talking about.
I sent messages to people that I knew I had to send messages to. They came to me fast and furious yesterday so I listened to my gut instead of my head saying people will think I’m crazy and sent the messages.
I received affirmation that the messages were received, and I’m not crazy.
I know what I have to do.
I am going to Oregon. Will I follow their protocol? I dont know. It depends on what my gut tells me.
But first I will do the PETMRI and accept whatever the results are.
It’s my story.
A story that’s already been written.
In the meantime, I will be still, meditate, pray, listen. I will add walking and yoga. I will continue to eat organic because the chemicals and pesticides will kill you. I’ll also have an occasional indulgence because life is for living.
I will begin each day not with writing about cancer, but by thanking God for my life, asking Jesus for whatever I need, and listening the Holy Spirit inside of me.
I’ll send love to everyone.
I’ll check my messages but then?
I’ll live my life.
I’ll still post pictures, but I will put Keri first.
For too long I’ve put my illness above me.
Cancer came first.
I kept looking for the answers outside of myself, when I’ve had the answer all along.
Just like Dorothy clicking the red shoes.
Starting now, I live my life.
MY life, not the life that I think the cancer has given me, but the life given to me by God.
Cancer can steal all of your power and light and life and faith if you let it.
Even as it lives inside of me, it’s a part of me. I need to send love to me. All parts of me. If we don’t love ourselves, how can we fully love others?
Jesus said to love one another, but we need to be compassionate to ourselves as well. We need to know we are worth it. We have been loved since before we were born. Once we stop doubting ourselves, start believing in ourselves that we are worthy, we stop worrying about what others think.
I’m no longer going outward for validation and opinions.
I’m going inward.
My faith is strong.
My light shines bright.
I’m free to live.
It’s a beautiful life.
In Jesus’s name, amen.”