At the beginning of a new therapy, a peace and sense of confidence comes.
You see, after spending several weeks anticipating a scan, needles, results, praying for new options, being told the options are toxic and will cause great damage, and confusion as to what to do…
When you finally start moving again, you feel like all of the questions are lifted off your shoulders.
You begin the therapy and start all of the precautions.
And you pray.
I spent my day conserving energy. I knew I would be spending all day driving kids back and forth to different play dates, and would rest in between. I’ve had a headache the past two days and have been drinking a ton of water. But I also got a new wig and a shirt that was funny and wore them both yesterday. The kids laughed and loved the shirt and wig, and Morgan named the wig “Phoenix”. Maddie and Morgan both said they loved how I still make things fun with the cancer. I told them that cancer might take some things away, but it’s my choice how to live with it. We went to get some gift cards and I met a girl who has heard about me from her family. She got emotional and hugged me, and Morgan saw and heard our conversation. As we got back into the car, Morgan asked me some questions, and I told her that moments like that are why I am so public about the cancer. People need to know they aren’t alone. That others feel the same way they do. Having someone hold your hand or say, “I see you” means the world at times. I’ve gotten to know quite a large group of people who share their stories like me, and it makes this life easier.
Last night morgan used a special nail polish, cuticle cream, and then massaged the special lotion onto my hands and feet to prevent hand/foot disease. She has such a giving heart, and we are so blessed.
I came to realize that anticipation is a hard thing. After finding out my former student passed away, I was filled with sadness… but also peace. I know in my heart he is with his loved ones and was welcomed by Jesus. He is whole and healed, able to go wherever and see whomever he wants. The panic and anxiety I felt over his anticipated passing left when his mom told us he had gone home to the Lord, and I was filled with peace.
That’s what happens with new therapies. I’m at the peace filled stage, finally starting the new chemo. The anxiety builds the closer I get to the scan. With stage four, anxiety about dying builds as well. We are all going to die, but some of us are told how, and sooner rather than later.
That’s when we need our faith, and know that the place we are going is beautiful. That there are people waiting for us, and whatever pain we have from our travels will disappear. It’s the anticipation and the path we have to take that scares us. But we lean on the truth, that where we land in the end is beautiful beyond what we can imagine.
I think that’s why we have people report their near death experiences, and say how full of love and light they were, and how they didn’t want to come back. How they aren’t afraid to die anymore. I think God sends them back as messengers to tell us to not worry, it will be fine.
I don’t know how people could live this kind of life and not have faith and belief and hope in heaven.
Listen, I don’t want to go anytime soon. I want to see my children grow up and then meet my grandchildren.
But today, the fear of death is gone.
It may be back tomorrow… or even in five minutes.
But right now, it’s gone.
That’s how I am able to get up every morning after being told I’m terminal.
Some days it’s harder, especially scan days. But I still get up.
Because my path still has a ways to go, and I have miles to go before I sleep.
In Jesus’s name, amen.