Everything is Exactly as it Should Be.

“Everything is exactly as it should be.”

I heard that yesterday while lying in shavasana pose, listening to a cello play softly, and holding Morgan’s hand.

My soul whispered back…

“Yes”.

I’ve always heard that once you give up trying to control things that you can’t control, but instead focus on how you react, you get peace.

Now I know what that means.

The first yoga class at The Giving Room was beautiful. People sighing, stretching, breathing, setting intentions, listening to poetry and a cellist. I’m so glad Morgan experienced it, and she thanked me on the way home.

I then went to a doctors office where a dear friend works and she got me right in to have all of the bloodwork that Oregon needs done written and put into an order. The doctor came in and talked about how he always tells people he never answers if they will be ok, because it’s in God’s hands. Then he looked at me, and said, “You’re going to be fine. I don’t know why I’m saying that, but I know.”

Then we met Rob for lunch, and wouldn’t you know, Oregon called to make sure we were still on for the Skype appointment. (I have to figure out how to set up a Skype account, so if anyone has any savvy, please inbox me.)

We picked up Quinn from golf and had a quick swim date with friends. Then I went to two more yoga classes. I was nauseaus, but I knew breathing through it would help.

And it did.

Kate has a warm, deep voice, and she has you do what you can and still feel like you are a yogi. That’s the thing about yoga and meditation, everyone thinks it’s so hard, but truly, it’s so easy.

Just breathe.

Its life changing.

I remember Saturday evening when I felt in my heart the boys in Thailand would start the rescue process and a thought came to me. I saw myself in the cave with the boys, breathing slowly and meditating. I thought that somehow, they were lucky to have been born in a place surrounded by monks, who focus on the breath. If the boys could learn how to control their breathing and stay calm, I knew they would make it out.

And they did.

All of them.

I read somewhere yesterday that their coach was a former monk. He taught them how to breathe to conserve energy and oxygen and stay calm.

This is why we should teach yoga and meditation to our kids. I breathed yesterday while my blood pressure was being taken and my friend said it was perfect. Religious people get all bent out of shape about yoga and that it’s wrong.

It’s not.

God gave us breath.

He also gives people wisdom on how to use it.

You can still do yoga and pray to Jesus as you breathe. In fact, I feel closest to Him while I lay in child’s pose.

I was still nauseaus in the evening but we wanted to take Joe on my dads boat. It was beautiful, and my dad called our old neighbor and told him about how we now have the son of a man who used to hang out with everyone living with us. I was texting names to his mom and she was saying the same names.

My mind is still blown.

I’ve been up since 4:30 or so, breathing.

I’m going to try and get all of the labwork done today, then I am heading to Raquel’s for phase two of the hair cut. It’s going much shorter today. I’m on day thirteen of the cycle, and they say days 18-21 is when it begins to fall out in clumps.

I’ll be breathing.

It’s also free slurpee day. We always tease my niece that we have 7-11 giving out free slurpees in honor of her birthday. So go have one and enjoy.

Just do me a favor and don’t take a straw. You won’t get brain freeze and you’ll help save the planet.

Win win.

Today may my veins be easy to find,

My hair look as cool as Pink’s,

The slurpees be plentiful,

And everything be exactly as it should be.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Baseball Heaven

I think day four is rally day.

I got up and brought the girls to running, and walked two miles with one of my dearest friends Melissa and her daughter, who I had in kindergarten this year. I love seeing my kids. I love them all year long, summer comes, and these children I cared for every day are gone. Summer is great, don’t get me wrong, but having little hugs here and there are little bits of sunshine.

Then we came home, I brought maddie and her friend to work, and drove Quinn to golf camp. He was nervous, and I was too.

Morgan and I drove away and she had a crying moment in the car. She is such a happy girl, and this has all been a lot. I told her it’s good to let it out, then let it go. We went to my moms house because I was exhausted , and we watched The Office. Studies show laughter is good for healing, and that show makes us laugh.

Then we vacuumed the Jesus Jeep, ran and got Quinn, and I took a nap. I’m understanding the chemo fatigue term, and have a feeling that naps on day three and four will be my best friend.

My nephew Hunter was dropped off, we picked up Maddie and Rob, then went off to the All Star game. It was great. We met our summer son’s family, and now we see how he is such a great young man. I feel like they’ve always been a part of our lives, and his family said they feel like I am his soul sister/mother.

As we were talking, his dad and I were discussing my old hometown, Valley Stream. I told him the street I grew up on, and suddenly he mentioned a name. A name of a boy who lived across the street from me. Then another. Then another. Then he said the kids used to work on cars in a garage across the street from this friend.

It was MY house….

With MY dad.

“Big Al”.

I kid you not.

When I was a little girl, my dad had all the neighborhood teen boys hanging out in our backyard. It was a safe place and they learned all about cars from him. Somehow, years and years later, God whispers on my heart to take a boy for the summer into our home, and it turns out his dad was in my garage back in Valley Stream.

Isn’t God amazing?

Joe pitched great, and we took family photos after. His manager, Patti, got the whole team to sign a ball for Quinn, and Quinn asked her to sign the ball too. “There’s no crying in baseball” doesn’t mean a thing to me.

As we left the field, I heard my name, and when I looked?

A man who I went to elementary school and high school with was there. I love Anthony, and he was there with another friend, Marcello. I used to be the girl who cared about frizzy hair and looking good when I saw people I used to know. Now? I just soak up their hugs and love. They said I was doing great and to keep going.

It was a total Valley Stream night.

We came home and celebrated with dinner with Joe. Hunter slept over, and he said on the way home, “Aunt Keri, I know I dont really know Joe, but I feel like he is my best friend!”

He is that sweet.

Every day I’m thankful that I’m able to continue to have beautiful memories.

Today I’m bringing Morgan to yoga at the Giving Room at ten. There is going to be a cellist playing as we breathe.

My oncologist sent me another email joking about the colleges represented in a picture I sent her. She has such a good feeling about this.

So do I .

I am full of peace.

Yes, I’m scared not knowing how treatments will continue to affect me, what surgery will be presented… but there is a peace that has filled me again.

I’ll take it.

Today may everyone find peace and beauty in their lives. May whatever needs to be healed, heal with ease.

And may we all see how God works in our lives, because someone you meet today may come back to you years later at a place called Baseball Heaven.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It Is Well With My Soul

I think I have a feeling what “chemo tired” means.

We went to church yesterday morning, just Rob and I . It had been a few weeks, I knew I would be emotional, and didn’t want the kids to see. I walked in and was immediately hugged and prayed over. The tears just fell as I felt the words whispered in my ear come into my heart.

That’s why you go to church, people.

I sat next to my Marguerite, and the sermon was about the Holy Spirit, and how to trust it when it enters you. The choir sang the song that I wrote about a few weeks ago, that was written by a man who lost so much, but still said, “It is well with my soul.” My friend who plays the organ said she chose that song for me and was hoping I would be in church that day.

Of course…❤️

Service ended and I got more hugs. I told Pastor how I now have a young man living with us because God told me we needed him. I didn’t know why, just that he was supposed to live with us. He whispers, I listen.

I think it shocked even Pastor how that seemed to have happen during this time of my life.

We came home and exhaustion hit.

I mean, when they say it’s like a hangover, it’s like a hangover from when you were in college.

Not just any college…

SUNY Cortland… 1990’s, after going to the City Limits, then the Dark Horse, grabbing pizza, then Woodys, doing the yard and then a mason jar of lemonade while eating popcorn from Finoch, then Frank and Mary’s.

That kind of night.

Lucky for me I had one of the special KFS drinks Paula made me. She said another family went to the Giving Room whose son is going through similar treatments and picked some up.

As much as I wish he didn’t need it, a part of me felt full of thankfulness that by being so open, the son of a man I used to work with years ago may get some comfort during some challenging days.

(You’ve got this, Dylan…🦋🙌🏻❤️)

It’s amazing how you meet people along your life timeline, and somehow, years later, your paths still connect.

Robs parents came over and hung out with us. I slept while they all talked, and then they helped rob make dinner. It was quiet and lovely, and I felt better sleeping knowing my kids and rob had them there.

As they were leaving, Joe came home. We saved a lobster for him, and Rob talked him through the way to eat a lobster. We are all so excited for his game today, and are hoping to finally meet his parents. His mom and I text often and we have a “momraderie” about this young man.

I’m tired still, but I’ve got things to do. I’m hoping to get a two mile walk in this morning while Maddie and Morgan go running. Then I’ve got to get Maddie to work along with a friend.

Rob signed up quinn last minute for a golf camp this week. It’s a good thing it was last minute, because his anticipation excitement yesterday would have been hard to handle for more than a day. Then we head to the All Star Game.

I’m here.

I’m thankful.

I’m blessed.

It is well with my soul.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

All Star

It was a good day yesterday too.

I woke up feeling well, and someone I went to high school with was in town. I hopped in the car with Morgan and my summer son Joe and off we went to the Giving Room.

I think one of the amazing things about Facebook is that you’ve already caught up on everyone’s lives, so when you see friends you haven’t seen in years, there’s no catching up to do.

You just simply hug and love each other.

Tracy introduced me to her friend, and Paula began her magic with Laura and the rest of the staff. Suddenly we were doing shots of all sorts of goodness, and the energy was full of light and love.

They left and we talked about how we were praying and manifesting for Joe to make the All Star Team. Paula said she would manifest it with us, and gave Joe a cup full of crystals. I left with specially made juices to help keep nauseau at bay, and we headed to home.

I took Joe to the Organic Earthworm where we have a CSA share. I told him I feel it’s one of my “in the veil” places, where I feel close to God. We got home, he made lunch, then walked over with a huge grin on his face and his phone.

He made the team.

We whooped and cheered and hugged and texted with his mom. I texted Paula and we both said, “Of course!”

He left, and I told maddie that since I was feeling ok, she could have some

Friends over. It’s been a hard summer for her, as she got the summer flu the hardest (besides me,) started work, and hasn’t hung out at all with anyone.

Your tribe is important.

So from 4-10 I had about seven teens eating pizza, swimming and laughing. It was good for her.

We had a fire, I prayed for the boys from Thailand, and went to bed.

I’m up and heading into a detox bath now.

I recorded my session with madame swoosh and let two moms listen to it, and was amazed by how spot on she was. At one point she said she saw me in the bathroom every morning feeling and looking all over for cancer and she said I have to stop.

After yesterday’s email when my oncologist asked me if I felt the tumors were smaller yet, it’s been hard to not constantly feel my breast. At my last appointment she was examining me while I was crying on the phone telling my mom she couldn’t react because my kids were with her, told her what was happening, chemo was starting but my doctor said she has hope, and my doctor was saying “cured” and nodding her head with her eyes lit up.

I hope her eyes light up this Thursday when she measures my breast again.

As of now I’m going to try to go to church. I have a headache, but I’m

Hoping it passes and I make it.

It’s been a while, and it’s important to get a little fellowship in person.

Plus, there are some people I need to

hug.

It’s going to be a beautiful day. May the boys and coach in Thailand all make it out of the caves safely with their guides.

May I feel well and be at ease and full of peace, as the medicine does magical things.

May we all learn that we are all here together, and when we begin to see the light in others, it’s easy to love them.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Round Two Cycle One Day Eight C1D8

For a girl who got round two of chemo, it was a beautiful day.

We went to the deli so I could get an egg sandwich and a turkey sandwich. My gym teacher was there and I got a great hug. The women who work there saw me through my pregnancy with Quinn, so I’ve got a great track record with them. They also write and draw messages on my sandwich like moms do.

I ran across the street to my school again and hugged my secretary and my security guard. I’ve decided to do that every time I go. Hugs actually increase endorphins and heal you faster.

We got to the hospital and all the women loved the hair and the “Team Jesus” shirt. I was given the same chair I had before right in front of the nurse station. They ran my labs and my nurse was so excited about how great they were. She sat down and explained all the numbers. My white blood cell count was a 5.1. It was a 2.7 within a week or two of Ibrance. My creatinine level was a little low and she asked me what I was drinking. Apparently you can drink too much water, so she said to just cut back a little. I told her about the”KFS” strawberry, watermelon, lemon, ginger and Manuka honey smoothie the Giving Room made for me.

She said it actually made a lot of sense, with the melon for digestion and ginger for nauseau, and said it wouldn’t be a bad idea to drink one tomorrow morning to help keep nausea at bay. They started the anti nausea meds and then the chemo. Rob got right to work, placing the big white socks on my hands and feet with the frozen blueberrries and peas, while spoon feeding me ice chips to help prevent neuropathy and mouth sores. The nurses asked how long we were married and fell in love with him.

He is my HOTY.

Husband Of The Year.

They also asked why he was doing that and said it made sense. If women wear these new cold caps on their head with dry ice, and it saves their hair from falling out… why not try it on hands and feet and mouth?

We talked about my faith, and how you can go on a vacation to Israel and walk the path of Jesus. I had my cross, my selenite wand, and my tiger eye crystal all in my table. I keep Jesus first, but He also made the crystals and I take comfort from the spirit of love of which they were given. I had my blanket Joann made me and it kept me warm and happy. It’s a great gift to put pictures on a blanket of family, so you look down and feel the love.

My friends at the The Giving Room sent me videos and pictures that made me laugh out loud. We’ve been talking with the owner of Lucharitos next to my school about plastic straws. People are losing their minds when given paper straws or no straw at all. Talk about entitled problems to have. They made vegetable art for me, and I made up a old fashioned “Keri joke” to go with it. Rob looked at me like I lost my mind when I couldn’t stop laughing, but I think by now he gets me.

My dear summer sister grabbed Morgan and had her daughter play with mine. Morgan loves her summer friend and said she is just like her. I love that history is repeating on the beach I grew up on.

We finished and left at 3:15.

The kids came home and we decided since our summer son had off, we would go on our first family night out with him. We went to the First Friday in Mattituck on Love Lane and I’m so glad we did.

The funny thing was I told Joe it was a good thing he didn’t come to Alive on 25 the night before because there were so many people I knew there, and I’m not really known in Mattituck.

I think I was stopped more last night than on Thursday. I saw Darla and her friend from Kait’s Angels, and was hugged and had the most beautiful moment in the middle of the street. I saw my sorority sister Kariann and her husband will, who are now my brother and sister in Christ as well and pray for me every day.

Paula and Alli Katz showed up and surprised me and we laughed and laughed over the beet joke.

I saw kids from Riverhead who sang in Seussical. The song? It was about… an elephant. I kid you not. On the day I write about chemo being like an elephant and you eat it bite by bite… chomp chomp… I hear kids singing on a street about an elephant named Horton.

I also saw Johanna and Eileen. It’s like God put all these people on this street for extra hug and love fortification. I held Johanna’s hand and as I said goodbye, she held it a little longer. I feel like I’m in the presence of true grace when I am with her and her mom.

Robs parents met us, and my kids also played cornhole with their cousins. Joe enjoyed getting to meet my nephew, as he now has a face to the player on fortnite. We went to dinner at the Love Lane Kitchen, and the owner was my cousin-in-laws roommate in college. My waitress used to be my dad and brothers waitress at Parabell. They looooooved her, and they eat there every week. One time I found her and took a selfie with her and told them she loved me more. We recognized each other last night, even though we only met twice, and took a selfie to send my dad and brothers. I told then I found”their Emily” and said the funny thing is… she doesn’t remember them, but remembers me, and they should send me pictures of themselves to remind her.

We laughed and laughed, and instead of Blake Shelton and Carey Grant, I showed her the three amigos. Turns out she is going to school to be a nurse. I told her I already know she is going to be a great one.

I know things.

We left and showed Joe Magic Fountain. He couldn’t believe the line. We got everyone ice cream, even me.

The kids said now Joe knows what it’s like going out with their mom and she talks to everyone. Rob was excited when he saw a friend from Rotary as we left and was like, “See Joe! I know people!”

My nurse said as I finished chemo that I should go to Magic Fountain, and since I may lose my taste buds, I decided I’m going to live life. (We also got fancy cheese from the cheese shop. This weekend we will have grapes, apples, bread and cheese and I ‘ll have my water in a wine glass.)

Nurses are Angels on Earth, and Stony Brook has the best. I even showed one of them the superhero stance. My head nurse was great, and they already feel like family.

Quinn grabbed a pillow and went to sleep on Joe. They all watched Sherlock Holmes and I felt so blessed and lucky.

I texted Joe’s mom about Joe’s day, and how I met her daughter’s boyfriends mom. Apparently, she is the nurse educator at the hospital. She sat with me for a half hour and we talked about how much we love this family. God puts people on your lives for reasons. I know it was totally crazy to take in a college baseball player while undergoing treatment, and then even keeping him when finding out I have to have aggressive chemo.

But God whispers.

I listen and follow.

I checked my email before bed and my oncologist answered me. She highlighted some of the bloodwork she has actually already given me. She said insurance won’t cover some of those from a breast doctor, but my general practitioner may be able to order them for me. She said she is also very well versed in the specific biopsy and would like to discuss it with me Thursday. I replied how I was doing, told her how I am telling every social worker and patient advocate about the PETMRI sailboat painting, (everyone said I am the first one to bring it up and it makes sense.) I told her I feel she came back home and I met her for a reason, that we will make history. I also sent her pictures of my hands and feet in socks and one nurse said I looked like a bunny. I think I looked like a badass bunny.

I slept well, am up now and in a detox bath. I’m headed to the Giving Room around 10:30 with Joe to meet a friend from High School. We were never close back then, but now?

I love her, and I love all of my VSC classmates. How I wish everyone would put aside egos and ranking and color and realize early on in life that everyone around you has the ability to raise you up with love. Teens are the worst. No one teaches kindness to their kids, and the social media has warped what “friend” means. Friends are not people who “like” pictures or write how “hot” you are. Friends are people who show up, hold your hand, sit in silence with you when you need, meet you when your lonely, and send you pictures of vegetables with straws.

We should add a class to the curriculum… “How to be a true friend in the technological society”. Give them some beets and take away their straws.

Suck it up.

I felt peace yesterday again as I sat in the chair. The peace that left me when I spoke to Donnie has come back. This is the right path.

I know it.

He whispers.

I listen.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

Today is round two.

Two of sixteen.

It seems like this is the time when it is going to start to become real.

It also seems like every day I’m waiting for side effects to start, side effects that scare the crap out of me.

I saw pictures of women whose nails turned black and the nails lifted off the nail bed. I’ve been told to keep my nails short.

I’ve been doing mouth rinses with Biotine as well as baking soda and salt several times a day to try and stop any possible mouth sores.

I’ve looked for pictures of women who’ve shaved their head and their one year later pictures to gauge how it will be. I got in the mail a bunch of scarves and wore them my around my kids yesterday. I also got two care packages in the mail from dear friends. Silver linings make the gray clouds more bearable.

I’ve been practicing breathing and resting.

But I’m still scared.

My heart still sinks when I’m told to prepare for the days three and four.

I keep trying to replay my oncologist saying that since I did so well throughout all the other treatment, she expects me to do well, and other than hair loss, fatigue will be the biggest issue.

I keep saying “oligometastatic “ and thinking that this is the right thing.

I went to the downtown street fair and saw a lot of people and got a lot of hugs.

I had hoped to stay for fireworks, but Maddie has been struggling with this summer cold, and I have as well. I took her home, as my ears are so stuffed and noises bother me that the fireworks would have been hard anyway. I cant believe I got hit with this summer flu/cold right when chemo started. It’s like starting the marathon after finishing a 10K.

We head to the second chair session. I’m scheduled for 10:40. I saw a friend last night and she said just focus day by day. It reminded me of the joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

Chomp chomp.

I haven’t heard back about the blood tests and biopsy. I’m hoping that means she is researching everything.

Say a prayer for me that there’s no allergic reaction and it doesn’t kill me as it goes in, that it goes right where it is needed and pushes all the cancer away while leaving most of my white blood cells intact, and that all of the horrid side effects decide I’ve been through enough and to just let me be.

May round two be easy on me and swoosh out the cancer.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

It’s never easy

It’s never easy.

I got up yesterday, took kids to the eye doctor, then went to robs office. Quinn has also started to have a nervous blinking tick, and now we will work on coping skills. The mom never just gets cancer, the whole family does..

We finished the paperwork for the camp and my heart broke a little when Quinn said in a letter that he knew he was going to the camp because his mom has cancer, and that he was happy to be around other kids who knew what he was going through.

I never wanted that for my kids, but then again, no one does.

We came home and I rested. Jill came over with the girls and I actually went outside and sat in the pool. I’ve developed a fear of doing anything since I started chemo. “Is this ok?” But I sat in the pool and breathed.

Quinn got picked up by friends to go play a little and I went to lay down.

Then?

The phone rang.

I saw the number was from Oregon.

Which is where I had just sent my scans and updated new protocol so Donnie Yance could get an update. We had planned on flying there for our consultation, but now with the treatment we are doing a Skype session. He is incredibly brilliant, and its a miracle he not only accepted my case, but moved my consult from October to July 24.

I thought his liaison was calling to simply say she got the fax.

I was wrong.

Instead she said he needed to speak to me and to please hold.

Then?

The voice I’ve heard in many videos got on the line.

He started to ask a lot of questions quickly. Did the tumor get rebiopsied? What was the alk phos level? He explained that the cancer is smart and could have already switched cellularly, and could have flipped from positive to negative. That the taxol is a very strong chemo, and if it has flipped, it may not be effective, and in fact, may make it stronger and harder to treat when it comes back, and that we need to address the root cause of the cancer, see what is driving it. He wants me to get a very specific and expensive biopsy done ASAP, as well as about twelve or so blood tests. He told me to ask my oncologist for these tests so we can see if this treatment plan will even work. That right now this is almost like a palliative care plan and without knowing the exact makeup of the tumors, it’s like going in blind and guessing this will work.

There I was, home alone, speaking to an obviously brilliant man, thinking “Holy shit. I’ve already started treatment, my hair is short and will fall out in a week, and this may not even be right?”

He said he has a trial going right now with Ohio state for stage four breast cancer, as well a just received a grant to do a study on thirty five patients of his who are stage four patients 15+ years out from diagnosis. He said he would be willing to discuss this all with my doctor. He told me to email her first and ask for these tests.

I said what do I do if she says no?

He said he will work with me wherever I am, will support my entire body and system through the hard treatments, but just wants the biggest picture with the most information possible to begin to treat this, and no matter what, he will support me. He said again how taxol is a serious chemo that will destroy my immune system, but did say the once a week will be more gentle. Silver lining I guess.

I asked him I am supposed to go sit in a chair on Friday for six hours now and get round two? He said that’s ok. Keep on this plan and hopefully by July 24 we will have more information.

We can adjust our sails if need be.

Meanwhile I’m like… what just happened?

He kept talking about all of this medical and cellular terminology and said he didn’t want to overwhelm me. I was overwhelmed, wished rob was with me, but was glad we had done so much research because this kindergarten teacher kept up with this man who has made his life work studying cancer, and breast cancer in specific. He knew his stuff. He wasn’t talking big language to impress, he was sincere.

He ended by saying that no matter what, we all just do the best we can, and that’s when the miracles happen.

He said he was already praying for me and holding me in love.

I thanked him and cried.

Then he was gone, his liasion came on the phone and dictated all of the tests I needed to ask my oncologist for asap. It’s not easy composing an email for a doctor asking for a bunch of tests without sounding like you are questioning everything. But there is no room for mistake, or ego, when trying to do everything possible to save your life.

I called rob and filled him in, then my parents. Then my Maggie, who sent me to dr Snuffleuffugus as well as Donnie. God has sent me these people for reasons and at times that only He knows the reason.

Quinn came home and swam with friends in the pool, and I sat with their mom who has been such a good friend in shock about the conversation I just had. This story of oligometastatic miracle I kept telling myself sort of imploded. My ears were ringing and I was trying to decide if it was from the summer flu/cold, chemo, or shock of the past two hours… or week.

Rob came home, and we sat outside by the fire when the kids went to bed. He looked at my PETMRI results and I’m glad I havent. They sound scary. The cancer has almost doubled in the breast. There is still a liver lesion but no FDG uptake. Something by my pelvis but no FDG uptake. He said he emailed my oncologist again to make sure that now that the final report is in that she still feels this is the right path.

She said yes.

NowI wait to see if she responds to my email last night and agrees to the biopsy and other blood tests. I’m not excited at all about a possible biopsy, as it was like a horror show and the lidocaine didn’t work, but Donnie said I could do a fine needle instead of a core needle, which is thinner. I’m also nervous to see if the cancer has mutated. What if we find out that this treatment which I’ve already started isn’t the right one?

Rob said that we will adjust and go to the one that will, and be grateful I didnt go through months of it. And if it is the right path, then we move forward with more confidence.

And once again, I am adrift in sea.

This is so hard and so scary.

As I sat by the pool with my friend, she said that when I get tired, others will fight for me. Just show up and be held.

Donnie Yance is a brilliant mind who is now fighting for me. My oncologist will hopefully think that it is wonderful I am adding a new mind to our think tank and continue to do the work to save my life hand in hand, and maybe together they come up with the miracle not only for me but for everyone.

Just show up and be held.

Just show up.

So today I am going to work on getting back to the miracle mindset I had yesterday morning before the phone call, while waiting to see if I get a response about my requests.

Once again I went to bed asking Rob, “How did this become my life, with my kids going to cancer camp and me talking to specialists about cancer and trying to increase my outcome survival?”

Twilight zone.

Please pray today that my doctor agrees to work hand in hand with Donnie. That whatever path I need to go on is found quickly. That none of this is being done in vain, and it all works so I can live to see many more fireworks and celebrate my own Independence Day from Cancer for years to come.

It’s never easy.

But man, it’s worth it.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri

PS. I’m adding lyrics to a song one of my secret nurses sent me. I got it at the moment I sat by the pool and my friend was telling me about a speech where a sportscaster said when you get too tired to fight, just show up and let others fight for you.

Just show up and be held…counting crowns.

“So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held”

It’s a good day to finish the lifeshocks book by sophie sabbage.

Because I’m in the middle of a big one…

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held”