“Keeping Positive”

When rob texted me he emailed me my labs, I was just walking into the school.

I opened them up and was disappointed. My white blood cell counts and neutrophils were low again, despite everything I’m doing. I’m also mid-chemo cycle, which means they will be taking a dive by next week, as they always do.

I said to a friend in the hallway, “What else can I do!!! I’m doing everything!! I even added beta glucan and juiced more!!!” Then I remembered the video the posted just that morning of a preacher saying that it’s not by work, but by grace. Instead of working so hard, rest it at His feet.

Rest.

I saw another friend and she said it’s a stressful time to be a teacher, between the school shootings, report cards, challenging curriculum. Stress lowers the immune system.

I’m also not sleeping. I get bits and pieces all night long, between anxiousness for the scan and physical pain in the breast and rib and stomach and bones. Scanxiety is real, people.

I keep saying I’m wasting all this good time by worrying.

Paula dropped off more juices for me, and she looked right at me and said, “You’re good.” Sometimes we just need to hear that.

I had to run to get Morgan after school, then bring her to dance, then get quinn to rob for cub scouts. In between that, I took a pause.

I texted my dad and sandy that I was running to the beach to grab rocks. My friend Joann sent me a picture of a red bird on a rock during a rough moment this week. There is some group that paints rocks and hides them. Long Island Rocks. I wanted rocks to decorate in case we have snow and are stuck inside. I also paint rocks gold every year for St Patrick’s Day.

I said yesterday I would be a rock, and I was. Even though I didnt get the results I wanted, I’m still here. Chaga Deb sent me a message that although the counts were low, I had to remember that not only am I on chemo, I’m also functioning, teaching kindergarten which is just one big Petri dish, and I’ve survived the worst flu season in years.

So maybe everything I’m doing is keeping me going, and once I get through this seemingly never ending winter season, my body will be able to focus on increasing my healthy cells.

I went to Michael craft store to buy the gold spray paint for the rocks, and also bought some bead necklaces, gold coins, and sparkly shamrocks. The day after i get my PETMRI results is the St Patrick’s Day leprechaun trap party.

I’ve decided I’m planning on getting great news the day before, and celebrating with all the green … or mint…and gold.

As I was typing, another ladybug just appeared. I also took a picture of the steam on the wall in my bathroom. I had been praying for Jesus to keep holding me in His hands, and when I looked up, I saw the steam condensation on the wall . I saw a person reaching up inside hands. Kind of like a Rorschach test. I also saw a green orb in the sunset picture yesterday. When I looked up what it meant, green orbs mean healing angels are with you.

Three signs.

I’ll take it.

We’ve got rain on the east end, and the west end of the island is going to get a lot of snow. May everyone stay safe today, and make plans for a great St Patrick’s Day full of good news and good luck.

In Jesus’s name, amen.

Xoxo

Keri