Yesterday was another experience that pretty much blew me away.
There are people who have been given gifts, and then study and cultivate those gifts.
Some people use these gifts to help people, and some use them for their own good or benefit, so you have to be discerning and know the difference.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to share yesterday’s experience because I really don’t feel like getting the messages and energy sent to me about how I’m going down a slippery slope, or the judgemental thoughts.
But I’ve been honest, and through the honesty I’ve been able to help other people.
I’ve decided I’m going to share the lessons I learned yesterday, and the things that blew my mind I might share eventually. If I can help one more person, I will, even if a thousand others think I’m crazy.
I went to a shaman yesterday.
People hear the word shaman and think of an old, weathered Native American medicine man… which can be the case.
However, thats not at all who I went to.
I went to see Elizabeth Clements.
She is not only a shaman, but also a mediator, lawyer, and therapist. Being diagnosed with cancer is as much of a mental and emotional diagnosis as it is a physical one. Many people go to see therapists to try and deal with the heavy emotions that come with the diagnosis of this physical disease.
But some people, like me, think the diagnosis came because of many reasons, not just physical, and in order to heal, we have to find out everything that has helped it to grow.
It’s not enough to kill the cancer, but we have to change the environment that was such a good host to it.
So why a shaman?
Shaman are practitioners of traditional medicine methods that have been passed down by indigenous peoples for millennia. Shaman believe that all “problems” –whether physical or emotional–have a source in energy. The job of the shaman is to locate that energy lying at a problem’s source in any individual and shift it, causing the symptoms of the problem to shift as well.
Shaman watch and listen to an individual at ever-deepening layers until they identify the energy that needs attention; the shaman then works to remove heavy energy, add light, and shift the balance of a person’s system. This process can bring about healing at a foundational level.
People sometimes know what their problem is, or think they know.
But often the reasons for felt pain are unknown to the sufferers. Many who seek out a shaman shoulder a simple but overwhelming sense of just being “stuck,” with something unseen blocking movement forward. It is up to the shaman to find this energy source, setting into motion the shift necessary to alter problematic symptoms.
So what happened with me?
Paula drove me into the city and we ended up at Elizabeth’s office. I had three people give me testimonials about her and her gifts as we drove in to meet her.
We ended up in a building that looks like it houses the TriBeCa film festival, and it threw me off, as I expected something mystical, magical and mysterious. Elizabeth came out to meet me and looks just like any other woman you meet on the street. Paula then left, and in I went.
We started with me telling my life story growing up, and when I finished she said that now that I’ve told her what I thought my problems were, it was time to find out what they really are.
She said that everyone has trauma, and even generational trauma gets passed down. Suddenly, there I was crying and telling her about my dads mom, and how her mom died in childbirth or soon after, and she was raised by her grandmother. Then she got cancer and died when my dad was nine or ten, and my dad was then raised mostly by his grandmother. How I look at quinn and see my dad at that age, mourning his mother, and now my son has similar feelings of fear that my dad had at the same age.
We talked about my moms grandparents and how there was divorce at a time when it was taboo.
Then she asked about what scared me when I was growing up, and she said it could be big things or even little things, even a scooby doo episode. It doesn’t matter what the trigger was, it matters what the damage was.
Suddenly memories of being put in the dark closet by my kindergarten teacher whenever I couldnt do something came bubbling up. So did another time when I was dragged underwater at the ocean when I was little and felt like I was dying (which is why I’ve never liked going into water where I cant touch the bottom).
We discussed relationships that have been fractured, and hurt feelings.
She told me that that people who we sometimes perceive as the issue, are not the issue, but instead push the issue button over and over.
She said we had to find out what my button was and what made it.
Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.
That’s me to a T.
Growing up as one of four kids, I always was striving for attention. Some kids act out and get attention any way they can, even through negative means. Me? I tried to be the best I could be all the time. I wanted my
Parents to be proud of me, my teachers, my friends. “Look at me! Love me! I’m a good person because of the things I do!”
When people don’t like me (“gasp! Pain! Whyyyyyy?” ), I keep trying. I try over and over to do the right thing, and end up getting hurt even deeper.
I dont know when to throw in the towel in relationships or situations. “Maybe if I try one more time…”. Add in how we are told over and over in church to forgive, but add in codependency and forgiveness becomes something else.
It’s not forgiving and moving on, but then trying again and again in the same stuck story.
I also get my light from others.
I may be able to say the right things as a Christian that “You are loved no matter what, it’s not what you do, but that you are already enough and
Perfect in the eyes of God”, but deep down? We keep being told in church we aren’t perfect and are sinners.
Talk about mixed messages for someone who has self love and love from other people issues.
The biggest thing Elizabeth told me was to make better decisions. As a people pleaser, I dont make decisions that make me feel good. I make decisions that I think will help others feel good, even if it makes me feel bad.
When we are asked to do something, think about it.
If we don’t do it, we feel guilty.
If we do it, we feel resentment. Resentment brings anger, and anger is a powerful emotion, and brings self hurt and damage to our cellular level. Then anger builds walls. Walls are different than boundaries. Walls are things that keep you private and alone. Boundaries are invisible lines, where you can still see others, but from at a safe distance, and you can still say across the invisible line, “I still send you love, but I’m going to send from here and stay over here.”
So what should we do?
Then the feeling we have isn’t anger directed at a situation that we didn’t want to be in, or people we don’t want to be around, which then affects us physically. Instead, the feeling we have is guilt at ourselves, for whatever perceived feelings we think others have towards us because we said no.
And many times, the story we tell ourselves about we think others are feeling isn’t true, and if it is, then shouldn’t we not be near the situation or people anyway?
As we talked, Elizabeth watched me energetically. She said I have a lot of dark shadow, pain, and she was going to help drain it. She saw parts of my body, my “Light being,” and parts that changed as i spoke about issues. She also said I had very strong cords to other people, and that they had to be cut. The only cords she allowed to stay were those of my children, but she said she would lessen them.
For their sakes.
Because my children are too connected to me through the illness now, and are becoming codependents in that they are doing things to make me happy or make me feel better, instead of for themselves. They have to be the best so mom is proud, not “I’m going to do this because it makes me happy “.
Sounds exactly like me when I was little. (And in no way am I blaming my parents. Let me make that clear. This was all MY story I told myself over and over. They always have and continue to love me. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.)
Then it was time for the shaman portion. I’m not going to tell you all the details, for a few reasons.
And I dont have to tell you why.
(See? That’s progress for someone who had codependency.)
I will tell you that as she worked, I felt energy shifting. She cut cords and since she did, I’ve felt lighter. She reset my chakras, and said I was now balanced, and leading from the heart.
She removed the shadows, they will continue to drain for the next few days, and I may feel more tired or sick. (I’m detoxing in a bath now to speed up the process, and will be drinking a lot of water.).
She said that when I had to choose a stone from a collection that she had, I chose the one of death. I thought it looked nice with the imprint of what looked like a butterfly wing. She knew that because of the stone, dying of cancer is the story I am most afraid of. She said she couldn’t change the fact that I will die one day, as everyone dies. But she could remove the story of dying from cancer from me. She said she changed my DNA, my story. She downloaded a new one.
Well, “she” didn’t. She said she wasn’t the healer, but spirit was. And something happened while she softly whistled and blew air and used water and rattles and stones, and I know it wasn’t her working on me.
Trust me in that one.
I also saw a brown Bear when my eyes were closed. When I looked it up, bears signify healing, along with a whole bunch of other things.
She told me that when dark thoughts or feelings come, close the door. The situations or people that bring those emotions or push the buttons, they drag out my energy, and attention, and life force.
Close the door.
Then look to the window and see where the light is coming from.
She said I have a strong light body despite the strong shadows. That’s exactly what Odyle “Madame swoosh” said to me three weeks ago.
Keep working on the light.
Know that the universe has my back.
Which is exactly what Juli from Kneed and Seed said. She said I may ask for things, and don’t get them. That’s ok. The universe is giving me what I need.
Just trust that.
She also said my soul wasn’t in my body. That it was afraid of my body, so she made a safe place for it to come back home.
Exactly what Juli from kneed and Seed said as well.
I asked if I needed to come back again, and she said it would take awhile to recalibrate from what just happened. She said I’ll know if I need to come back. I can call her if anything pops up.
I left in a daze.
She had gotten to the root of so many issues in two hours, and it felt like twenty minutes. We ended the energy part at 11:11.
She also told me some books I can read to help with no longer being a people pleaser and doing what others feel is the “right thing”, instead of doing the necessary thing for myself.
Then paula and I got back in the car and came home.
I got an email from Donnie’s assistant that he said that the tumor marker rising obviously isn’t good. That we need to wait for the MRIPET scan.
I just had a great healing session.
So let’s wait for the scan.
I made it back in time for Morgan’s
Concert. It was great, and she got an award. Madison stayed home from school yesterday, and has her AP exam today. She has a few obligations this weekend, but I’m cancelling some of mine to spend time with her and maybe help her decompress a bit.
There is so much pressure on these kids, and we are creating a whole generation of codependent people.
Look at all of the social media they use.
“Look at me! Like me!”
Quinn passed his Boy Scout board of review last night and was excited.
It was quite a day.
There are people reading this who may feel obligated to tell me I made God angry by going to a shaman.
I’m alright with God.
Elizabeth is a gifted intuitive, and got right to the heart of the matter and healing in two hours. She is also a therapist. That’s why this experience was so healing.
She did something in two hours what would take others ten or twenty sessions.
Therapy is important and we need to remove the stigma.
I’m thankful I found someone who helped me so profoundly and so quickly.
Which is why I decided to share such personal and deep things.
I know there are people who can learn from these lessons.
If these lessons helped you, then they were meant for you to read today.
The universe has your back.
It has mine.
So does Jesus.
May we all feel that we are enough,
That we are loved, and that although you may not have what you want right now, you have exactly what you need at this moment.
In Jesus’s name, amen.